Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Erm... I pointed out to dh how fat he has become, and now he won't speak to me.

59 replies

clumsymum · 22/07/2006 18:42

We went to a BBQ yesterday for ds's beaver pack. DH was saying that one bloke there was really overweight. I pointed out that actually that bloke was about the same build as dh, not realising that dh seems to have no idea how he looks. He knows he's overweight, and has started trying to loose a bit of weight, but now he's got really offended with me and gone all distant (really upsetting since he's only home at weekends anyway).

I didn't mean it as outright critisism (honestly just an observation), I had no idea until after it was said that he was soooo unaware of his shape.

I have apologised, but I can't unsay it. How can I resolve this?

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/07/2006 20:37

No, dont lie. Just try and help him in an unpressured way with his health/fitness regime.

Plenty of exercise is a MUST which will help him feel desired too (which im thinking might be an issue for him atm).

Give him a goal to get to when he loses X amount

I would imagine that a blow job for every few pounds lost would do it

VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/07/2006 20:38

I dont have sex on the brain all the time btw

looneytune · 22/07/2006 20:39

Clumsymum - I just wanted to say I don't think you've said anything wrong at all. You dh was badmouthing someone else which is not nice and you (in the nicest possible way) just said that he was the same. Don't see what you've done wrong myself??? My sister used to be a really big girl and has lost loads of weight but when she was big, she would never have said anything horrible about another big person. You just wouldn't would you. Maybe he'll refrain from badmouthing in future!!! My sister who's lost the weight has since told her dh she doesn't like him being big and I was to hear this as she should know better!

Just let him get on and think about it and I'm sure he'll come round if you only said it the way you say you did

looneytune · 22/07/2006 20:39

Like the comment VeniVidiVickiQV just made about blow jobs for rewards

Swizzler · 22/07/2006 22:10

Def think that being honest is better. My DH has put on quite a bit of weight in the last few years (some needed - he was really skinny when I first met him) and I don't think ignring it is particulalry helpful. Esp as he is happy to comment when I've put on weight. Just make sure that he knows it's not a big issue for you - you won't stop loving him just cos he's overweight.

I do think we skirt around the weight thing too much - surely if no-one ever says anything, you just know they're THINKING about it?

DontlookatmeImshy · 22/07/2006 22:32

I wouldn't lie about it - maybe just give him a bit of space to get over it/take it in/accept what he really looks like. I know it's hard. My dh is overweight, he knows it but will see a fat person and say Am I that fat?. I know he's looking for reassurance that he's not but more often than not he is and I really can't lie because I think he needs to realise. If I say he's not, I worry that he'll think he's not too bad after all and doesn't need to do anything about it when he really really does.

Unfortunately there is no easy/nice way to do it. Just don't do what I did and tell him he needs to loose weight because the settee is getting knackered. I was trying to prompt him to loose weight and failed spectacularly.

moondog · 22/07/2006 23:15

People pussyfooting re lard issue isn't helping anyone.

Dior · 22/07/2006 23:17

Message withdrawn

Dior · 22/07/2006 23:19

Message withdrawn

edam · 22/07/2006 23:40

Moondog, I know you are very enthusiastic about nutrition (and I usually enjoy your posts) but you are coming uncomfortably close to name-calling here IMO - 'lard issue'?

Clumsymum, hope you and dh are back on speaking terms now - it was probably a shock to him, and it's always hard to get criticism from the people we depend on to love us warts and all.

threebob · 23/07/2006 07:14

My mum is always critising my dad for his weight. She seems to have a reverse anorexia regarding her own morbid obesity. Pot and kettle come to mind.

NotQuiteCockney · 23/07/2006 07:18

I don't think there's any point to criticizing people about their weight, but being honest is a slightly different thing, IMO.

(There's also no point in trying to micromanage someone else's food and exercise choices, as this will just enrage and annoy them.)

Original poster
clumsymum · 23/07/2006 14:35

Thanks everyone.

Dh has come round a bit, and taken ds swimming this afternoon. He's talking to me again now.

FWIW I certainly wouldn't have followed SminkoPinko's advice, largely because we have promised we would never lie to each other about anything, but also because he does need to know how big he is. Covering it up doesn't do him any favours in the long-term, He does need something to give him the impetus to seriously get on with losing weight, maybe this will do it.

He has eaten much smaller quantities than usual since Friday night (normally has huge meals, although it's been relatively healthy food), and not a drop of alcohol has passed his lips, even tho' he poured me a glass of wine last night. He has also vowed to go swimming 2 evenings a week. The problem with him being away working Mon-Fri is that my opportunities for monitoring/praising him are limited, and he eats out, in effect, 2 or 3 nights a week.

OP posts:
giddy1 · 23/07/2006 15:21

Message deleted

joelallie · 24/07/2006 11:30

giddy1 "If I say to my husband "Am I as big as that lady?" should he say "No"? even if I clearly am or even bigger."

Bl**dy hell....yes!!!!! In spades. A few years ago when I was a lot bigger I'd have been devestated to hear the truth (nasty stuff at the best of times). I wasn't even medically overweight but already uncomfortable at the size I was - sounds like the OPs DH doesn't it?

I have a similar problem with my DH atm. He's been going to the gym regularly but all he really does is upper body work - his chest and arms are very muscular and well-defined but his waist is quite fat and flabby. I've sooo wanted to say something especially when he's admiring is muscles in the mirror . Thankfully I took some photos at the seaside and he saw one of himself in shorts with no shirt letting it all hang out so to speak - he saw the situation at one glance and is now trying to do something about it. Bit of a shocker but at least I didn't have to tell him myself. All it would take is cutting back a bit on the amounts he eats and actually using the treadmill as well as the weights.

However I think that the OP wasn't being deliberately cruel but I can see why her DH was so upset.

poisson · 24/07/2006 11:31

get him to haev a cholssterol test
that did it for my dh

MissChief · 24/07/2006 11:33

still didn't work for mine, still in denial, how did it get him to take notice then?

SSSandy · 24/07/2006 11:35

My friend complained to her dh about how much weight she'd put on and he said, all the more of you to love then.

He is a PRINCE

lazycow · 24/07/2006 13:07

Moondog - I do enjoy your food posts they often make me laugh and you are spot on in most things but it is quite easy to see that neither you (not probably your dh) have a major weight problem - over and above the normal 'I could do with losing a few pounds/a stone type of thing I mean'.

Convincing yourself you are smaller than you are is very common among people who are very overweight - it is how we live with ourselves.

Clumsymum - I would guess that your dh was trying to further convince himself that he wasn't as big and by wondering how the other guy got that big was indirectly trying to work out how he got so big too . As to commenting on other overweight people - though this is something I never do - I have noticed that the worst comments about mine or other people's weight often come from people who are considerably overweight themselves. This is pretty easy to understand in that they are frightened of getting bigger (even though in many cases they are that big anyway). People who can manage their weight are rarely as frightened of fat people as other fat people are - IYSWIM.

If you want to know more about how overweight people think etc I highly recommend reading ' The Hungry Years' it really does show fantastic insight into people who are overweight, particularly men and the reasons for it, because surprising as it may seem being overweight actually serves a purpose for many people though few of them will admit it.

If your dh has always had a weight problem it will be harder to deal with than if has only recently put on weight for the first time.

I personally would have been DEVASTATED by what you said to your dh and in the past I have left an otherwise quite good relationship where my dp made minor comments on my weight as I preferred my illusions to the reality. I am not saying this is a good thing to do - in fact just the opposite - just trying to explain the pain this sort of comment can cause.

What you said may help him to see things more clearly , especially as it was done with love and kindness but don't expect him to like it as it is incredibly painful. Shattered illusions often are !

MissChief · 24/07/2006 13:09

so what can work, LC? If you love yr dh and worry about him being overweight - and the known consequences of this (at least in his case) - high blood pressure, history of heart disease in his family. what wd work? cos like others, i'm worried about him!

MissChief · 24/07/2006 13:11

i've tried obvious stufff - we eat healthy stuff at home - homemade, gen organic, low fat. Problem is he'll pop to corner shop, get a box of biscuits and scoff them all in one sitting!

lazycow · 24/07/2006 13:22

I think a combination of encouraging more activity and acceptance works far better than criticism (Well it does for me anyuway).

What I notice when I get really big is I try and avoid all exercise . If dh encourages me to go out with him for long (preferably steep!) walks or try bike riding with him and realise I am finding it really hard - this is often more motivating to me than comments about my weight.

In the final analysis I believe that everyone has to come to the decision to lose weight by themselves and I am not saying that pointing out a bit of weight gain in a jokey way is always counter productive - but this needs to be done in the early part of getting overweight before it is a major problem. That way you can do something about it fairly easily.

Once someone has got really overweight this doesn't help as the problem seems so large (IYSWIM ).

Having a serious heart to heart about your health concerns and trying to put more excercise into what you do together may help, though this depends on how much the overweight person has invested in their weight

In the end though like most things you can only, express your concern, offer help and then 'let go' - If your partner prefers to stay overweight (though he may not say this as such) there is not a great deal you can do about it. I think though from what clumsymum says that her dh is making an attempt (however half-hearted) to deal with this.

MissChief · 24/07/2006 13:25

thx - yes, dh is the same - he really likes it if i suggest going on walks together but i want him to do sth on his own as i walk around tons during the week . maybe i'll have to work in walks at the w/es - hopefully have more time once we've moved.

MissChief · 24/07/2006 13:26

in fact, dare I say it, think it's a common problem - dh sitting at desk/in airconditioned car all day while wife "at home" tho actually walking miles a day with LOs - so one ends up overweight, the other ends up slim tho' both eating the exact same diet!

lazycow · 24/07/2006 13:29

Mischief - I find attempts to control what I eat make me really angry.

This is from when I was an overweight child and my mother was always trying to feed me one minute (equating food with love) and then worrying about my weight at the same time and putting me on a diet. Being angry would make me want to eat almost as a way of anesthetising the anger.

Now I know my mother had her own issues with food and I am an adult so must take responsibilty for my acrtion but I have kept on behaving the same way I did as a child - using food to cover or surpress my emotions.

The problem is that when you try and control you dh's food, he may rebel and eat in secret in response to that. Healthy eating in the family is only something you can do together - not something you can do for him.

Your dh needs to come to realisation himself that his food is his responsibility not yours.