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Original poster

Feel like I can't stand my husband

51 replies

Knackeredmum13 · 27/12/2013 19:43

Is this normal when you have a very young baby?

I haven't felt the same about him since our five month old was born. I just feel like he is lazy and a huge source of irritation.

We had my family staying for Xmas. I thought that he and I were hosting together but it turned into just me doing it. I think he assumed that because my mother was here she would take over the cooking but she didnt. He also seemed to have expected that she would take DS off our hands which also didnt happen.

DS is a really bad sleeper and for the past week I have only been able to get him to sleep in bed with me suckling most of the night. This means I am only dozing not getting proper sleep and I am shattered! So I've not been in the best moods and have been snappy with DH. He assumes this is me taking it out on him that my family have been annoying. It's actually because I'm annoyed at how lazy he is. He claims to do loads but I asked my mother if he did and she said that she hadn't seen evidence of it.

My family have gone and he has gone to the pub as he needs to get out of here. So I'm on my own with the baby. I could cry with exhaustion! I suggested that I could have a lie in tomorrow but he has said that he needs one. He has been up with DS until 3 am the past 2 nights and then sleeping in until 11.30am. I have been getting to bed around 11 and then once he brings DS in I'm trying to doze while he uses me as a giant dummy.

Am I being unreasonable? He says I've ruined his Xmas and need to be nicer to him. I just feel like I hate him at the moment.

OP posts:
TheCrumpetQueen · 27/12/2013 19:45

Oh love, you sound knackered. The first year is so tiring! Why did you host Christmas?! Don't take on too much right now, just focus on getting as much sleep as you can and looking after yourself as your H sounds pretty selfish x

tallwivglasses · 27/12/2013 19:51

He's not taking your exhaustion seriously. I wonder if there's an article or thread that talks about this issue? Perhaps if he read something, it would re-enforce what you're trying to say to him - that you're fucking knackered, not just a bit dozy and grumpy ((hug))

Fairylea · 27/12/2013 19:53

You're very brave (mad?!) hosting Christmas with such a young baby!

I think your dh does sound quite lazy... If he's so fucking tired he shouldn't have gone to the pub he should have stayed home and had a nap so you ccan have a lie in tomorrow!

However to be fair he probably doesn't realise how exhausting breastfeeding is and having a baby feed on and off from you all night is absolutely knackering (this is why I switched to formula feeding both of mine, so dh and I could take proper turns to sleep and feed but that's besides the point, apologies). I think you need to really talk to him and explain how tired you are and tell him what he needs to do to help.

Him leaving everything to you over Christmas is absolutely not fair. At all. He should have either done the cooking or looked after the baby. If he wasn't doing either then he is a lazy arse.

The first 6-8 months of a new baby really is hell. No sleep, stress and trying to get used to a new little person fitting in ... dh and I had some of our worst ever rows at 3/4 am with ds. One particular highlight was when ds was sick all down dh and dh was sitting there with sick dripping down his legs, holding ds in our bedroom at 4am and we were arguing over who's turn it was to sort ds out (who had promptly gone back to sleep by then). We got through it and laugh about it now.

You really need to talk to each other and work together. If he won't do that then you have serious problems.

duggarkid20 · 27/12/2013 19:56

I think you just need to spell it out to him what you want and need him to do.

rpitchfo · 27/12/2013 19:57

Try to remember you're BOTH exhausted. Me and my girlfriend are at 7 months and it's a complete whirlwind. Don't try and go down the route of who is most tired because its impossible to be rational in that argument when both of you are the walking dead.

Stropping off to the pub is no solution though.

hoppingmad · 27/12/2013 20:03

I was about to say the same thing - competitive tiredness will just breed resentment.

A new baby is exhausting for both parents and a real shock to the system. You need to be kind to each other. Word your chat carefully so it doesn't sound like you are 'having a go'. Just explain how exhausted you are and that you know he is too. Then suggest you take turns to have a lie in, cook, Hoover etc.

Original poster
Knackeredmum13 · 27/12/2013 20:08

We hosted because DH wanted to be at home this year. My mums had a terrible year so we couldn't not invite her. I thought DH and I would do it together. I think he genuinely believes he did loads too. My mum helped me cook a big Xmas day breakfast and I think DH washed up the plates ( I did the rest as I went). I did the majority of the cooking with a bit of help from my mum and DH tried when he realised I was getting stressed and annoyed but I did the majority of it all. He looks after DS by sitting with him in front of the TV.

DS is teething and has a terrible sore eczema rash so he is extra hard right now. He just doesn't sleep either. I fed him to sleep and he slept for 10 minutes but is now wide awake and crying. If I let him suckle he will be ok but otherwise he will just be like this for hours. It's ridiculous.

I'm feeling so overwhelmed at the moment. I don't have any freedom since having DS. I dread the evenings because to get any sleep I have to go to bed before 10. Then I know I have a night of either letting him suckle or being up and down with him all night. I feel like everyone is on their Christmas holiday but I don't get a holiday from my work at all. I was hoping to start leaving DS with my mum soon but she had him for an hour Xmas eve then asked me to come home as he wouldn't stop crying. So now I feel like there isn't even any light at the end of the tunnel.

OP posts:
sarajane231 · 27/12/2013 20:10

Yes it's normal. I hated my son's father during the first months but to be FAIR he was being lazy and unhelpful.

I dont think men understand hints so tell him exactly what you want him to do and if he us a good man he will help.

My son never stopped crying and didnt sleep. It's really hard and totally draining. Keep strong. It passes

TheCrumpetQueen · 27/12/2013 20:11

So who looked after baby while you were cooking Christmas dinner?

Original poster
Knackeredmum13 · 27/12/2013 20:13

He hasn't stropped off he had it all planned that he was going out tonight. I feel as though his life is just going on as it always has.

I'm averaging 3 hours sleep a night, he averages 7. So I struggle to make allowances for any tiredness he claims to be feeling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Knackeredmum13 · 27/12/2013 20:15

At one point I had him in the kitchen with me while I cooked. Otherwise my mum or DH had him. DH having him entailed putting him in his bouncer and watching tv.

He complained today that he thought my mum would have done more.

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 27/12/2013 20:17

I'd guess there are several things going on here.

The first year of a child's life is bloody hard, especially the first child when you're not used to it. It takes its toll on a relationship as it's such an enormous shock to the system. So easy to get into competitive tiredness battles.

BUT you need to pull together and recognise it for what it is. That it will pass and it will be a darned sight easier if you are both pulling your weight, keeping a sense of humour about how awful it is and doing your level best to keep eachother going in mutual sympathy and kindnesses.

It's not unusual to find that a bloke who's given the appearance of being an equal partner drops that facade when a baby comes along. How interesting and revealing that he thought another woman in the shape of your mum would pull up the slack at Christmas. I daresay other male relatives got let off the hook for that eh?

I'm therefore not going to single out your mum for special attention, but will note that if she wasn't the only house guest, it sounds like no-one helped out, despite the extra burden their presence put on a household already stretched to the limit. That's just not fair.

Where I will single your mum out is that she passed comment about your partner and seemed to be stirring things, instead of doing practical things to help. Be careful about that.

I'd suggest that you sit down together, talk honestly about the extra strain and work involved in the first year and try to resolve to share the load more evenly. Your husband needs to realise that none of this is 'women's work' and that you both need equal breaks and lie-ins, as well as an equal share of the work.

Original poster
Knackeredmum13 · 27/12/2013 20:17

And I do tell him what I need him to do and he gets angry and says that he already does loads. I don't think that he does much at all. I asked my mums opinion as I thought maybe I was overlooking things. She said that he certainly hasn't done loads while she was there.

OP posts:
TheCrumpetQueen · 27/12/2013 20:18

Your mum should've done more, I agree with him there. They both bloody should have.

I have a 13month old ds and was planning on hosting this year, when I thought, actually no I won't! Ill let people who get 8 hours sleep run around cooking while I sit with my ds in front of the tv :) you need to start thinking more like that

KingRollo · 27/12/2013 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCrumpetQueen · 27/12/2013 20:19

Oh and it does get easier, I promise :)

Original poster
Knackeredmum13 · 27/12/2013 20:20

Other guest was a teen who did help with things like laying table etc just not childcare or cooking.

My mum only commented as I asked. I wondered if I was being harsh and if DH was doing more than I realised.

OP posts:
windywoo26 · 27/12/2013 20:20

Have you spoken to him about it? My experience with DH is that I have to ask directly if I want him to do something. I don't think men generally anticipate what needs to be done with kids and babies in particular.

How you are feeling is completely normal. Having a child is one of the most stressful things for a couple. It does get easier. Lack of sleep makes it all the worse.

Have you got anyone who could babysit so you could get done sleep or do something nice together?

Original poster
Knackeredmum13 · 27/12/2013 20:22

I think my mum did enough. She helped cook, she helped clear up. She did nappy changes.

DH expected that she would take over cooking entirely or take over looking after the baby. She helped with both but didnt take over either. I think that's fair enough. I think he had expected her being here would mean he wouldn't have to lift a finger.

OP posts:
Liara · 27/12/2013 20:23

It's knackering, for both of you but mostly for you.

You need to spell it out. Work something out that gives both of you the same amount of actual sleep. Tell him that is what you need. Repeat as necessary.

Even with the best will in the world, it is really hard to 'get' how knackering it can be with a non sleeping baby. I told dh to sleep in the other room while I 'slept' with ours so he could get up early and give me some sleep in the morning, but every so often he would spend a week with me and the dc all night. He said he needed that to remind him just how hard it is taking care of a baby at night (ours both refused to let dh deal with them in any way during the night), otherwise he would forget and start feeling sorry for himself for the early wake-ups!

Original poster
Knackeredmum13 · 27/12/2013 20:24

There's nobody to have DS except my mum. She managed an hour then asked us to come home. Now I feel I can't ask her to do an overnight.

OP posts:
ashesgirl · 27/12/2013 20:24

He sounds like a lazy arse, who expects women to take on the domestic stuff.

TheGreatHunt · 27/12/2013 20:24

Sorry but the BFing mum will be more exhausted. End of. It's not a competition because the op sins and the DH should get that.

Op I know the feeling. Tell him to think how tired he'd be after months of disturbed nights let alone a couple of days. Tell him sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

I had to remind DH several times and had the odd mini breakdown before he got it.

TheGreatHunt · 27/12/2013 20:25

*wins not sins

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 27/12/2013 20:26

You need to be nicer to him?

Fucking hell, another man turns into a spiteful twat because he isn't number one in the house anymore.

You need to tell him straight. You are both parents. You are both knackered and you both need to get equal time with the baby and equal time to rest.

He has a lot of expectations. He needs telling what the reality is PDQ.