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Original poster

Feel like I can't stand my husband

51 replies

Knackeredmum13 · 27/12/2013 19:43

Is this normal when you have a very young baby?

I haven't felt the same about him since our five month old was born. I just feel like he is lazy and a huge source of irritation.

We had my family staying for Xmas. I thought that he and I were hosting together but it turned into just me doing it. I think he assumed that because my mother was here she would take over the cooking but she didnt. He also seemed to have expected that she would take DS off our hands which also didnt happen.

DS is a really bad sleeper and for the past week I have only been able to get him to sleep in bed with me suckling most of the night. This means I am only dozing not getting proper sleep and I am shattered! So I've not been in the best moods and have been snappy with DH. He assumes this is me taking it out on him that my family have been annoying. It's actually because I'm annoyed at how lazy he is. He claims to do loads but I asked my mother if he did and she said that she hadn't seen evidence of it.

My family have gone and he has gone to the pub as he needs to get out of here. So I'm on my own with the baby. I could cry with exhaustion! I suggested that I could have a lie in tomorrow but he has said that he needs one. He has been up with DS until 3 am the past 2 nights and then sleeping in until 11.30am. I have been getting to bed around 11 and then once he brings DS in I'm trying to doze while he uses me as a giant dummy.

Am I being unreasonable? He says I've ruined his Xmas and need to be nicer to him. I just feel like I hate him at the moment.

OP posts:
TheCrumpetQueen · 27/12/2013 20:31

Agree, the bf mum is more knackered. Fact.

Sioda · 27/12/2013 20:57

So he gets 7 hours sleep a night, trip to the pub, the christmas at home that he wanted with you and your mum doing all the work, but you're the one who ruined his christmas and your mum is the lazy one? His response to you raising an issue is to get angry and stick to his put upon line? Nice...

Maybe focus on taking care of yourself because honestly I don't think he's about to start to. No more mad projects to make him happy like hosting christmas with a non sleeper. Will ds take a bottle? If so you and your dp could each get an equal chunk of uninterrupted sleep at night? You'll be far better able to cope with whatever you need to do with your relationship if you can get even a little more sleep. Dummy? Babysitter? The parenting bit will get better honestly. There is light at the end of that tunnel.

Original poster
Knackeredmum13 · 27/12/2013 21:02

DS refuses a dummy even though he seems to need to suck in order to sleep. We've no babysitters except my mum and like I said she managed an hour then asked us to come back.

OP posts:
TheCrumpetQueen · 27/12/2013 21:13

Ds refused a dummy while he was breastfed too.

I think time is what makes a big difference here. It will get easier. Until then, look after yourself and be more explicit with what you need from your H.

Also, if he takes him and sits in front of the telly while you have a break - that's fine! As long as you get a break!

Original poster
Knackeredmum13 · 27/12/2013 21:24

I hope it does improve in time. I'm really struggling at the moment.
I wouldn't mind if he sat in front of the tv with DS to give me a break but he did it while I was cooking. So it was really a break only for him.

OP posts:
KingRollo · 27/12/2013 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thants · 27/12/2013 21:38

Yanbu. Sleep all day tomorrow and your partner can look after ds. Simply ignore him if he tries to Palm the task onto you. You need sleep.

toomanywheeliebins · 27/12/2013 21:39

For your baby please try 'No cry sleep solution' by Elizabeth Pantley. Have had good success with it with both my Dc who were Bf. For your husband give him a kick up the bum! This is parenting. It's bloody hard work

Leavenheath · 27/12/2013 22:38

If some men don't anticipate what needs to be done with kids and babies, it's only because those particular men don't feel they are as responsible for kids and babies as women.

I do think this is at the crux of so many of these disputes and why so many men seem to show their true colours when babies make an appearance.

Sioda · 27/12/2013 22:42

It's not just parenting, it's also your dh. Not all men behave this way. No on the bottle also then? What about a paid babysitter?

Sioda · 27/12/2013 22:43

Well said leaven.

rpitchfo · 27/12/2013 22:48

Definitely leave him with the baby for as long as you can. That was my reality check.

Original poster
Knackeredmum13 · 28/12/2013 02:36

I've left him with the baby several times. He tells me he gets how exhausting it is but then goes back to his usual ways.

He genuinely seems to believe that he does do loads. So either he is deluded or he thinks its all my job and that anything he does do is a massive favour to me.

Trouble is that even if I leave the baby to go out I have to come back and do the night feeds so I end up even more exhausted than before.

OP posts:
KingRollo · 28/12/2013 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCrumpetQueen · 28/12/2013 07:47

Get him to take baby out for a long walk while you nap then, that does help

Original poster
Knackeredmum13 · 28/12/2013 08:00

I do actually feel like I'd be better off if we split up. At least then I wouldn't have to clear up after him. I wouldn't resent him because I'd know there was only me around to do things. Plus I'd get a proper break on days when he took DS.

I did ask if I could have a lie in today but he said no. He will get up at lunchtime and suggest that I go back to bed then. I struggle to sleep in the day though so its not much use to me. What I need is for him to get up at six or seven when DS wakes and let me sleep then.

I haven't seen or heard from him since he went to the pub. I presume he slept in the spare room. Dreading seeing him as he will come in having a go at me for ruining his Xmas and being horrible to him.

OP posts:
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/12/2013 08:34

:( he sounds very selfish. My partner is only now getting that I need a break tbh and finds it easier to look after ds now he's more interactive - I know that's crap though

pumpkinsweetie · 28/12/2013 08:47

Confused I don't know how you stand it op!
He sounds very lazy & very selfish!!
If he isn't working for the christmas period he should be off his arse helping you & sharing chores equally!
And letting you have a lie in a few days a week!

Tbh it doesn't sound like you are getting much out of this relationship.
Maybe you would be better off getting him to sling his hook!

KingRollo · 28/12/2013 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Knackeredmum13 · 28/12/2013 13:58

I've tried that but as I said he truly believes that he does loads so just gets angry.

A bit of door slamming got him up at 10 and I went back to bed and only just woke up. It's ridiculous that it takes me to have a melt down to get a break.

OP posts:
nuzzlepad · 29/12/2013 23:15

Why not put up a scheduler and or a calender and write down how much you each did? You can make those colored circles to represent how much time is getting done by whom. And who is getting fresh air. Some men get it when they see visual representation.

But in general he does sound like a cocklodger. Especially telling you to sleep in the late morning. It's more exhausting to stay awake at night.

anon1975 · 01/01/2014 09:30

Knackered- I bet you are! It's incredibly difficult to maintain a happy relationship when you're exhausted. In particular it's difficult to distinguish reactions to do with exhaustion from the issues themselves- and also in my experience, to explore other perspectives. I've been there. Both of my babies went through phases of being totally boob dependent. I was knackered and so were they (crabby in the day). In the end I did gentle sleep training with both of them (at 10 months with the first and 7 with second). I used Andrea Grace 'Gentle Sleep Solutions', which I strongly recommend. Now I don't hate my partner. I just find him quite irritating. :)

kscience · 01/01/2014 10:52

You are shattered, it is HARD HARD KNACKERING WORK

Give yourself a few days off. Do only the bare BASICS that mean you are not in danger of dying of infection and let DH see how much you actually DO.

Hand over DC to DH at every opportunity and if he tries to hand back DC before YOU are ready CRY if thats how it makes you feel (as staed in your opening post).

Be much more realistic about how much you can do right now (it WILL change) and dont try and be superwoman. BE selfish and get some sleep and then you may cope a bit better...for a while

Anon1975 · 01/01/2014 12:18

I've just re-read some of your posts and want to say that he does NOT sound like he's being reasonable, particularly in refusing you a lie in.

I had same quibbles and in the end my partner started doing it. I think I used more sex (because I'd be less knackered) as an incentive. Should also say he helped with the sleep training.

Sorry you're having such a hard time!

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 01/01/2014 16:41

Sounds like you unwittingly had two teens to stay instead of one. I do wonder what constitutes "loads"?

I hope you have more luck with naps and bedtime - perhaps aim first to get the daytime naps a bit more successful. Whatever you try have you had a go with White Noise CDs or running a hairdryer?

Could you start by giving your baby a comfort object to hold as you bf? That way the toy or blankie or whatever it is can go to lie down too as it will have agreeable associations with feeling soothed and comfortable.
It's an old trick but put something you have worn into the cot to give it that comforting Mummy aroma.
Next put LO down when drowsy but wakeful not straight after feeding. You want to separate the notion of feed = sleep.

Realistically it will take time to alter DS's sleep habits and anything like teething is bound to scupper any routine you have in place.

Please talk to DH asap. Pub or X Box he will argue he too needs down-time. So tell him you are going to ask your HV for ideas and look up where your Children's Centre is. Whatever they do suggest, you need him to be on board. So if you've ever had him telling you just to give in and feed DS to get a bit of sleep, that kind of input isn't helping.

He can't bf but he can change nappies and bathe DC and take out for fresh air. Order groceries online, batch cook, use a sling when possible. If you can't arrange childcare can you pay for a cleaner?

Long ago a colleague proudly explained he'd gone above and beyond making his DW's life easier the Christmas week they'd hosted his parents. How? I privately wondered.
Driving their screaming baby round the block for 20 minutes once while his sobbing DW had a quick bath and hairwash.

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