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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm an ow

406 replies

fuckitanyway · 26/12/2013 22:08

I'm in love with a married man. He's my boss.

I am also married and have a lovely life. I love my husband and children. He doesn't hide the fact he loves his family and his wife.

I'm a member of mumsnet for about 7 years now - I'm not trolling - Friday night bumsex, Pom bears etc.

I'm not going to make the bazillion apologies I'm supposed to and know I should because it's ridiculous. I'm mortified, ashamed, I feel such a complete fucking moron at times. I keep doing it - so it's inexcusable and pointless and disingenuous to try rationalise it.

No one plans on leaving anyone. He's 24 years older than me.

It started one year and four months ago and now has run away with me.

I have attempted to post this a million times. I was too much of a coward.

I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry to anyone I've hurt. Could you help me? I understand and accept I'll be flamed.

OP posts:
saferniche · 30/12/2013 19:30

NumptyNameChange can we not do better?

nooka · 30/12/2013 19:38

Oh I totally agree Numpty, I think it's just that the OW/M is a stranger, and so much easier to hate that your love (or ex-love as the case may be). So they get a lot of diverted anger. I didn't/don't hate my dh's OW and wouldn't generally recommend hatred as a coping mechanism. Mostly I feel a bit sorry for her as she was in a bad place and vulnerable to the fairy tale on offer. But I also despise her actions as she was also married with children, and she had met me and my children so must have been aware on some level that dh was spinning her a load of crap.

saferniche I think that women are just as likely to chase as men. We are all human - I might not have cheated but I'm certainly no saint, and all those cheaters are having sex with someone.

nooka · 30/12/2013 19:42

Oh and generally I'd say that dh was a fairly moral upstanding sort of person - at least as 'good' as me. I expect that like the OP he never would have dreamed he could behave so badly. It's one of the things that one off cheaters (as opposed to players) often find it very difficult to come to terms with. In retrospect I think that they can find it very difficult to understand why they thought/acted in such a hurtful way, but it is useful to dig a bit deeper as otherwise how can you make sure things don't go wrong again, and as a partner how can you rebuild trust?

saferniche · 30/12/2013 20:01

Yes, it's the digging that matters. And absolutely 'women are just as likely to chase as men'. There is little difference between us.

ArgumentsatChristmas · 30/12/2013 20:33

It's great that this discussion has all of a sudden got so rational and balanced. Thanks nooka and numpty for some super posts.

saferniche · 30/12/2013 20:50

can you explain which part of the discussion was irrational?

ArgumentsatChristmas · 30/12/2013 20:59

The black and white part - the part that was just slagging off the OP really quite nastily and emotively. I won't point to specific posts but go upthread. There's a whole heap of them.

There is a need for balance in all this. If you put it in the context of a million married men in the UK visiting prostitutes, who knows how many men watching porn, I don't know how many rapes there are in the UK but there are a lot ... The OP is conflicted hence her posting here, but in the wider context I do not believe that she is the archetype of evil as has been posted here.

NewtRipley · 30/12/2013 21:14

There has been balance. 2 posts were deleted. Just because some of us don't agree with you it is not your right to come on and make comments about how people should feel and what they should post.

saferniche · 30/12/2013 21:38

there have been several insightful and thoughtful posts, and not one has suggested the op is the 'archetype of evil'. That's just silly.

It's certainly the case that there are many cases of sexual violence, that pornography is common and prostitution an ancient profession it would be pointless to attempt to ban. In our secure, privileged private lives though, when we choose to share our lives with an equal, can't we do better than lie and cheat?

NewtRipley · 30/12/2013 21:40

I hope the OP is still reading. Even if she doesn't post again.

Leavenheath · 30/12/2013 21:41

Oh we can so easily ban paying for sex. Lots of countries have. Whole other thread though Wink.

Fairenuff · 30/12/2013 21:47

a million married men in the UK visiting prostitutes, who knows how many men watching porn, I don't know how many rapes there are in the UK but there are a lot

What the hell does any of that have to do with a woman choosing to cheat on her husband?

ArgumentsatChristmas · 30/12/2013 21:51

Back to black and white. Lovely. Bring out the ducking stools. Throw in a scold's bridle while you're at it.

Fairenuff · 30/12/2013 22:07

Bring out the ducking stools. Throw in a scold's bridle while you're at it

Would you say that if I asked what it had to do with a man cheating on his wife?

NewtRipley · 30/12/2013 22:12

Arguments

All the emotive language is coming from you right now

wolvesatmydoor · 30/12/2013 22:17

You can't have your cake and eat it. My father had affairs which ruined my mother's life, she could never trust again. That emotional damage had a huge impact on me and my siblings growing up. Your actions have consequences. You are actively making a choice to put
your needs first and damn anyone who gets hurt in the process. I hope you can live with the outcome, act in haste...repent at leisure

saferniche · 30/12/2013 22:37

Leavenheath wouldn't it just go underground? Better to regulate and protect? (yes, I watched that episode of Borgen).

Leavenheath · 30/12/2013 23:24

It's been 'underground' ever since the internet safer, but there's no evidence it's gone even more underground in countries that have banned it. Women have been far from protected on the other hand, in places that have legalised it completely. Anyway, this is completely off topic and I don't want to contribute any more than I have (slaps self) to the rather bizarre derailment that's happened tonight. I'll PM you when there's next a good thread about this topic.

nooka · 31/12/2013 04:11

Arguments are you arguing that even talking about 'cheating' is too emotive for you? If we are talking black and white then that is an incredibly extreme position!

saferniche · 31/12/2013 09:19

Leavenheath - ok. I'm no expert.

catsrus · 31/12/2013 10:19

Wolves you wrote My father had affairs which ruined my mother's life, she could never trust again. which fills me with horror tbh. She had a terrible thing happen to her, we have no control over some of the terrible things that happen to us, but we do have control over how we respond to them. If her response was to allow it to ruin her life then the responsibility for that is hers, not your father's - no matter how much of a shit he had been.

People have affairs, parents have affairs, partners betray those who love them - I have been inspired on MN by many many women who have not let the actions of someone else define their lives. The best "revenge" is to live a full and happy life - if the actions of my exH were affecting my happiness now then I would be allowing him to control my life. The OP is only responsible for what she has done, no-one can be responsible for how anyone else reacts to that. Dramatically talking about ruined lives is both unfair and inappropriate IMO. She knows what she has done is wrong and wants to know how to move on from here.

Fairenuff · 31/12/2013 11:03

She knows what she has done is wrong and wants to know how to move on from here

I wouldn't entirely agree with that statement catsrus, her opening statement said a lot.

I'm not going to make the bazillion apologies I'm supposed to and know I should because it's ridiculous

In fact, OP has said very little on this thread. Her posts have been very shallow. Just enough to keep the thread going perhaps.

After all, anyone can post Friday night bumsex, Pom bears etc. as we've all seen it posted loads of times as a free pass to guarantee authenticity.

Perhaps if OP engaged a little more with posters, she might be considered more genuine in her 'remorse'. As it is, all she has said is that 'No one plans on leaving anyone'.

Several posters have asked what is the point of this thread. OP has failed to clarify. Perhaps she is taking us all for a fool?

higgle · 31/12/2013 12:37

I've hovered about on here for a while, as this seemed at one point to me to be a rather more balanced discussion of affairs than some others on MN. On closer analysis however the old stereotypes are still lurking under the surface.

It always seems to me to be somewhat illogical to say an affair does not arise because of any behaviour or attitude of the non affair partner, or the state of the marriage but then to define character faults and worse that are detailed as clearly indicative of failings on the part of the adulterous couple. On here it has been this "needing props" idea - I strongly suspect there are plenty of people who have affairs who have challenging and satisfying jobs and have travelled the world ( The most prolific adulterer I ever came across was a QC/part time judge who certainly travelled widely)

Maybe if men really enjoy delivering and receiving top class sex all that wining, dining, opera etc. and romping about in nice hotels is genuinely rather more exciting for them than more worthy activities. Although that particular lifestyle is not for me I doubt I'll be on my death bed when the time comes thinking about how I should have had a better job or joined more evening classes, but I will hopefully have a smile about my youthful, most exciting, sexual experiences.

Myth 2 - those in long relationships do not remain "in love" but have this strange and supposedly more important "love" which seems to involve putting up with crap and staying anyway. Hem hem, after nearly 30 years I'm still in love with my husband. My heart and other bits flutter when I see him naked (because he has looked after himself for one thing). I feel bereft if he is away in connection with work, I'm excited when we go away or out for a nice meal or to the theatre. I'm proud of him - I'm not unique, every year or so someone on MN posts a thread about this and women say the same. There is such a thing as infatuation but that is a million miles away from being "in love" , and in my view a relationship does not count for much if there is no fluttering of hearts and desire for sex. Running a family these days is a bit like running a small business, and we are only kidding ourselves if we feel love=sense of duty. How great for the economy to persuade the population that some dreary sense of duty and developing resources to fight against adversity can be redefined as "love" .

usual myth 3 - don't think it has come up on this thread, maybe because of the nature of this relationship. When one partner discovers an infidelity they are constantly told to get an STD check - on some threads taken to the point where the OP gets a bit narky about it.
Of course this is sensible, but we don't get this being trotted out on the dating threads, or Health and Safety advice in relation to other matters. It is promoting a view that the OW/OM is likely to be promiscuous, or disease ridden to a greater extent than the general public

Myth 4 - happy affairs don't go on. I've mainly worked with men - mostly in the legal world. I've also been introduced a few times by men who I know are married to other women who are clearly accepted in the world of their hobbies - climbing and long distance walking. For those who are realistic and can compartmentalise it can offer the best solution.

NewtRipley · 31/12/2013 12:39

Yy Fairynuff

mumandboys123 · 31/12/2013 13:08

higgle I am not sure where to start. my ex had an account with a very, very dodgy 'dating' website which I discovered, quite by chance, some 3 years after he left me for the 'other woman'. So not only did he have another woman, he was also actively seeking other relationships/sexual encounters as well. Who knows how many women he slept with? Who knows how many people those women were sleeping with? Therefore, how many people did I unwittingly come into sexual contact with? I make no assumptions about the other woman, my only concern is my ex!

It makes good sense that anyone who finds themselves in a situation where their long term sexual partner has been sleeping with someone else is checked for STIs. It is no reflection on the person(s) concerned. I'd hazard a guess most GPs would recommend testing if informed (mine did). Suggesting to any woman here that they should somehow feel bad about labelling the 'other woman' as the 'type of person' that might have an STI is simply blame-shifting in a dangerous and somewhat bizarre fashion. Unchecked infections can lead to infertility, and a wide range of short, medium and long term health problems. But better that than wrongly label someone happy to be having sex outwith their long-term relationship, eh?