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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why has my husband left me?

23 replies

foreverhopefull · 26/12/2013 18:38

I have only been married for 4 months and my husband has left me, he text me in work on Wed 27th Nov to tell me. We had no discussion or argument beforehand, so it came as a total shock. We were planning on relocating to the other side of the country and after a recent visit there, things were not panning out quite as they should have been, so suggested that we put the plans on hold, i was'nt saying that I did'nt want to continue with our plans, it just felt that the timing was wrong. The next thing I know, he has left me. Very limited communication has taken place since, only via text which he states that I have hurt him and there is no going back. I love him dearly like no other. Any suggestions on what I should do???

OP posts:

WipsGlitter · 26/12/2013 18:41

How long we're you together before you got married? Do you know where he is? Can you go and see him?

NumNumChristmasPudInMyTum · 26/12/2013 18:42

I don't know, but what a cowardly thing to do to you. Has he a history of avoiding confrontation? How long have you been together over all?

tessa6 · 26/12/2013 18:45

I am so so sorry. That is a terrible thing to happen to you.

I would suggest that you begin to consider whether he could have been seeing someone else as it is quite unusual to leave a relationship in such a manner without there being some sort of secret aspect of life involved. The way in which he's done it is hugely hurtful and smacks of someone compartmentalizing and with a terror of conflict.

tribpot · 26/12/2013 18:56

This is bullshit (I don't mean you're lying, OP, I mean his behaviour).

Either:

he has been having an affair (I know a couple who split within a few months of marriage because she had been shagging her husband's best friend)
he is trying to punish you to make sure you never stand up to or disagree with him again.

Have you spoken to his family since end of Nov? Have you told people in real life? Has anyone actually seen him since then?

Original poster

foreverhopefull · 26/12/2013 20:57

We have been together for two years in total, in that time he has left me a few times before, but after me adjusting my life style, we have then got back together, and yes it has been me doing all the running. He is not seeing anyone else, because thats what makes this so much harder, when we are together we are inseparable and there are no trust issues like that. I think maybe it is his way of punishing me. He is a very private man so no-one knows his business, so very difficult to get any feed back from anyone else and there is no family locally. I have seen him in his new home, but he just does'nt want anything to do with me and asked me to leave - he saw his backside because I found out where he was living, as us women do!! So I have'nt even had the opportunity to talk to him or have a massive argument because yes, he so avoids confrontation. We have both been married before on more than one occassion, so neither of us went into the marriage lightly, but I know that neither one of us had any doubts on the day. I must sound like a right mug!!!!

OP posts:

NumNumChristmasPudInMyTum · 26/12/2013 21:04

No, not a mug. He sounds manipulative, and it does seem clear this is a punishment and your cue to beg forgiveness and do what he wants. Despite your feelings for him, you cannot have a relationship where there is such inequality - he seems to be the one calling the shots with no regard for your feelings or what is best for you. There is no respect for you. This is a horrible thing to have done to you.

tessa6 · 26/12/2013 21:11

OP, even the small amount you have described here suggests he is not a good partner and you are best rid of him. I think you should welcome this as a good new chapter in your life. 'He is a very private man so no-one knows his business,' Seriously, OP, this is the sort of description people give for those who are in some way involved in criminal/fraudulent activity or bigamy. Even if this is an exaggeration, I think you need to accept that this is a man who, for what ever reason, has mistreated you and left you, not even giving you the consideration to explain. Refind your pride. You could be with a lovely man down the line who discussed and resolves problems with you. I would suggest you address other areas in your life where you could find new confidence: work, exercise, socializing, interests. When you start to find new independence things will become clearer through the hurt.

Original poster

foreverhopefull · 26/12/2013 21:18

Thank you all for your input, I really do apprecaite it - I suppose I do know deep down that everything you are all saying is correct and if I told you half of the other things then for definate you would all tell me to keep walking. I suppose, it's a grieving process that I must go through and as part of that I am questioning, am I to blame. I think if it was'nt this, it would be something else, no matter what I do for this man, it is just not enough!!!

OP posts:

tribpot · 26/12/2013 21:19

after me adjusting my life style

Christ. That's chilling. So this is part of a pattern of punishment every time you step out of line.

Can I suggest one major adjustment to your life style, which is to stop devaluing your own wishes and needs and to put yourself first?

He sounds deeply odd - no friends? Have you lost friends because of this suffocating closeness when you are together?

Original poster

foreverhopefull · 26/12/2013 21:35

Yes, I have downloaded some of my friends, but in all fairness my lifestyle did need toning down a little. He also had issues with me because I have a lot of friends and am quite popular, my job did entailed a certain amount of public speaking which he would say, It's all about look at me, where as I am not like that at all, I just do the best to my ability and do what I can for people. I earn more money than him, but I am the sort of person that I share everything and who earned the most money is irrelavant to me. I even stopped drinking because he made me feel like an alcoholic. OMG I can't believe myself, reading this back. They say love is blind - I need to get a grip???

OP posts:

LizzieVereker · 26/12/2013 21:49

I'm really sorry that this has happened to you . No- one should have to drop friends at the behest of a partner. I would stop worrying about what you have done/ not done - I don't think you've caused this at all. I don't mean "stop worrying" in a flip sort of way, I realise you must be suffering a lot of pain.

You sound like you have a lot going for you, good at your job, popular and kind. You will get through this, you deserve someone who will be proud of your qualities and abilities.

EBearhug · 26/12/2013 21:50

You're better off without him, by the sound of it.

tessa6 · 26/12/2013 21:52

I am so sorry for your pain. You sound very bright and nice and I really think this could be the beginning of something great for you. I think deep down you know that someone who wants to stifle you or doesn't like you 'showing off' is really trying to control and own you. You can obviously see this from the outside and clearly know more than you are letting on about his worse traits. I suggest you throw yourself back into work and back into socializing, I would not be surprised if you are by far the brighter, more attractive partner and you will be happy soon.

Thegrinchishere · 26/12/2013 21:53

He sounds like a knob. Let him go!

Original poster

foreverhopefull · 26/12/2013 21:56

Obviously, I will not be making any further contact (If I stay strong) but I would like to keep you all informed of any developments in the future, so that I can react with an open view, taking all your advise on board rather than responding through my emotions. If all the advice websites are right, if I leave him alone, in time, he will make contact and hopefully, I will be strong enough to deal with it without being hurt anymore. Thank you all - it's good to talk.

OP posts:

tribpot · 26/12/2013 22:00

Well, you can't make him talk to you if he won't, but please don't hold a candle for him, waiting for him to come home.

He sounds like a tosser of the highest order, and the best thing you can do now is go back to living your lifestyle (which hardly sounds like the stuff of narcissistic excess) to the full.

Stay strong: I suspect he wanted to punish you by leaving you alone over Christmas and may shortly be putting in a mysterious reappearance to see if you are sufficiently downtrodden and repentant yet.

tessa6 · 26/12/2013 22:02

I think you should definitely ignore him. And I think you should try and shift your focus from him on to you. And behave in ways to make your life better, not to get attention or action from him.

Scarletohello · 26/12/2013 22:10

He sounds jealous of you and very controlling. I think he's done you a huge favour by bailing. And in such an underhand way. You will never live up to your potential if you stay with this man. Let him go and enjoy your life!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2013 22:38

OP, have you seen the film "Sleeping With The Enemy" ?

That's him and you, that is

Charlie50 · 27/12/2013 09:35

I agree that you have had a lucky escape. He is far too controlling-a person shouldn't have to change for their partner like he expected you to. You need someone who loves you for your outgoing confident character not puts you down for it. It's normal that you will feel pain now, but please don't get back with him. The pain might go away temporarily but he would just try and control you more and more, especially if you move away from your friends and family. He has done you a favour.

Hawkmoth · 27/12/2013 09:44

Take off your wedding ring, write down dates and details of him leaving etc, then book time on your wedding anniversary (sorry... I also had this countdown) to fill in divorce papers.

In the meantime you might want to consider getting a solicitor to draw up legal separation documents if you had any shared assets.

My ex also tried very hard to wear away everything that made me me. Just because it wasn't your choice to end it doesn't mean it's not a good thing.

springysofa · 27/12/2013 09:46

So he was making your world smaller (and smaller)? He sneers at your when you do well in life? He punishes you when you don't do what he wants?

KEEP WALKING

mammadiggingdeep · 27/12/2013 09:53

Exactly what springysofa says.

Look at how he had changed you in 2 years of knowing him. Imagine 20 years.

Op- he is dangerous. He will damage you. Stay out of contact, heal yourself and divorce him. You deserve to live life to the full without somebody make you change yourself.

Good luck x

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