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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just want to cancel Christmas

62 replies

Geckos48 · 23/12/2013 12:49

The children are only little, they won't know any different until at least next year

I just feel like I have worked and worked and worked to make things nice for the family and the only person capable of showing me any support or love or reciprocation for my efforts is being a complete cunt to me.

I have just driven around 20 miles to pick up the last little bits of presents, I have cleaned the house and got the kids ready and then waiting for half an hour in the rain and wind to pick up DH

He has basically spent the last half an hour in the car complaining that he is hungry and recommending that we go to a shop and get food that only he can eat.

I have no present to unwrap Christmas morning, he hasn't had time or money to buy me anything apparently. I have arrange something really special and personal for him.

I have made sure the children have plenty of nice (secondhand but nice) gifts to open and I have wrapped them all.

When he suggested that we just get something for him to eat because HE is hungry and of course that is far more important than anything else, I just flipped.

I mean what the fuck??? So I can run around for a month making sure Christmas is magical and then he can demand that after waiting for half an hour in gale force winds for him that HE is the only one that gets to eat???

Seems I put myself out for the kids loads and get nothing back for it.

I'm sick of it, I am so angry, just drove straight home and got the kids a drink and came upstairs.

He had just come up, had a massive go at me for ignoring him - I just calmly said 'I don't want to talk to you' and then slammed our bedroom door so loudly that it has knocked one of my favourite pictures off the wall and shattered it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Geckos48 · 23/12/2013 13:01

He has just come to ask me where the bank card is and I actually jumped out of my skin. I am starting to really dislike this person :(

Is anyone there?

OP posts:
RubberDuck · 23/12/2013 13:05

:(

I don't know what to say, but I didn't want you sitting there thinking no-one was hearing you. I'm sure the knowledgeable and eloquent mumsnetters will be along in a moment with far more helpful advice.

My advice would be to focus on getting through the next few days but do it for you and your lovely children not him. Then once the chaos of Christmas is over you can take some time to plan, extricate yourself out from the relationship if that's what you decide you need to do or find a way to stick a boot up his arse if you don't.

This is a hard time of year when things aren't going well as it's easy to think you're the only one who isn't enjoying the festivities. You aren't alone - even if it's virtual imaginary hairy truckers on here.

I hope things get better for you very soon.

PaddingtonBearsDuffleCoat · 23/12/2013 13:08

Hello Geckos48 I am here. What are you planning on doing when you have calmed down? Sound to me as if you have had enough so you need to work out how to change things. He sounds like a child not an adult so stop enabling his childish behaviour. Easier said than done of course!

Original poster
Geckos48 · 23/12/2013 13:12

I don't know really, it just seems like I invest and invest and it just turns around to bite me on the bum.

Right now all I want to do is hide away in my room until it's over.

OP posts:
BC27 · 23/12/2013 13:13

Hi geckos - same boat here I'm afraid. Done all Christmas single handed ....again. It's so dispiriting. I realise this doesn't help you but just to let you know I understand the anger and frustration it causes x

CaptainSweatPants · 23/12/2013 13:15

Had you and the children already eaten?
Perhaps he was hungry after being at work?

PaddingtonBearsDuffleCoat · 23/12/2013 13:18

I suppose your options are these.
Put up with it indefinitely in the hope that he will change. (Fat chance!)
Put up with it over Christmas and then have an ultimatum to put to him.
Don't put up with it any more and ask him to leave/make plans to leave.
Don't put up with it any more and have a showdown now.
I don't envy you any of the above actions. Sorry you are having this trouble.

bigbuttons · 23/12/2013 13:18

stop doing things for him. Just do it for you and the kids. He sounds like a prize prick and I'm not surprised you are fed up.

Original poster
Geckos48 · 23/12/2013 13:20

I've been okay and positive and upbeat until today. I just couldn't believe it 'oh I'll just grab a pork pie or something' I said 'well what about me and the kids?'

Then he said
'Well I'm just hungry okay, sorry but I am hungry so that is what I am focusing on'

Then he continued to say 'sorry' as if I was having a go at him which I definitely wasn't! Making out like I was some sort of bitch.

Then a car in the middle of the road hit our wing mirror and knocked it off, so he starts saying 'oh it's not important you just drive' as if I have been driving manically and I hadn't at all! The weather was horrid and the car was in the middle of the road!

Anyway, I just drove straight home and sorted the kids out. He has gone out on his own now, I have no idea why. I am just so angry with him :( could he not have just thought for a second about me or the kids?? It's the day before Christmas Eve, we should be doing things as a family and I only picked him up because I thought we could spend some more time together.

Just feel so deflated.

OP posts:
Mintyy · 23/12/2013 13:21

Don't hide away in your room. Its horrible for the children.

Get on with Christmas and make plans for a future without him afterwards.

Your poor kids must be so frightened Sad.

Original poster
Geckos48 · 23/12/2013 13:21

No myself and the children hadn't eaten since breakfast, we picked him up at midday. He knew we hadn't eaten.

OP posts:
RubberDuck · 23/12/2013 13:21

I have a supportive dh but I still find Christmas horribly stressful (for family historic reasons). One thing I've learned to do is to drastically scale down Christmas and focus on the things I enjoy.

I stopped sending Christmas cards out years ago - no-ones really noticed. Presents I do but calendar it plenty in advance and do almost all of it online so I don't have to deal with crowds. Food I get as many convenience cheats I can get away with and don't do masses of "fancy" stuff (it all just becomes unwanted leftovers anyway). Cleaning - well, if I get round the bathrooms for hygiene-sake that's done, if I don't tough.

I make sure I get time for fun "me" stuff too. Sitting down to watch a Christmas movie with the kids, playing daft board games, or hiding upstairs with a book when it gets too much while they veg out in front of the telly.

I know it's a bit late this year, but making plans now and deciding which bits you enjoy and which bits you can ditch (assuming your arse-h is still around) might help you put your foot down and not feel so under pressure.

Then the next issue, as Paddington says, is that you appear to have an extra child not a partner. That needs to change if the relationship is going to survive.

But all that is a plan for another day. For now, mentally brush yourself down, clear up the broken picture, dig out a mince pie and some Baileys (or even just a nice cuppa) for you and if 'd'h is hungry, well, I'm sure there's plenty of food in the house that he can fix for himself. He's an adult from here on in.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 23/12/2013 13:22

If this is an all year round situation of him taking and you giving I don't blame you for being fed up. The DCs will appreciate how Christmas is and you know that's why you go to such lengths because it's for them not H, even if they have no concept of the effort you put in, they will remember.

Christmas is so often a pressure point, unless you have close family you can go to at a monent's notice hang on in there, restrict any alcohol intake, another 72 hours and Christmas is over for another year.

If you can communicate without shouting, don't expect him to read your mind, establish what you want. If he has slipped into bad habits he won't change overnight. Don't be a martyr. Be consistent. A 'magical' Christmas is what DCs want, it is fleeting, whereas giving your marriage a makeover will take two, and needs proper thought.

Mintyy · 23/12/2013 13:22

I don't really understand what has gone on with the hungry thing and the pork pie, but stop slamming doors and breaking pictures. Not on.

Original poster
Geckos48 · 23/12/2013 13:23

I can't imagine him slamming the door so loud it shattered a picture was very nice for them :( my lovely boys :(

OP posts:
Mintyy · 23/12/2013 13:24

I see, I read it that you'd slammed the door.

Its obviously a toxic environment for your children, please don't expose them to it for too long.

Original poster
Geckos48 · 23/12/2013 13:25

No I didn't slam the door, I came home and went straight up to the bedroom to leave him to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Geckos48 · 23/12/2013 13:26

I didn't mind that he was hungry (obviously) I minded that the only thing he was focused on was getting himself some food, or rather having me drive him in the mental Christmas traffic to get just himself some food and the rest of us could just swing.

That is what annoyed me.

OP posts:
YoDiggity · 23/12/2013 13:29

Confused I don't understand the hungry thing either. You picked him up at lunchtime, he needed to eat, he wanted to nip into a shop and grab something quick. What's the problem? Confused

Was he refusing to buy food for everyone, saying the rest of you could wait and eat at home? Because if not, I don't understand.

JennyOnAPlate · 23/12/2013 13:34

From what I'm reading you have massively overreacted. Which is not surprising given your frustration at having handled everything Christmas related. I suspect that's the real issue, not his desire for a pork pie.

XiCi · 23/12/2013 13:36

I don't understand either. He was hungry and wanted to just nip in a shop and buy a pork pie? That sounds completely normal to me and a massive overreaction on your part.

Original poster
Geckos48 · 23/12/2013 13:37

Okay I picked him up, suggested we all go and get some food, he said that he was hungry and needed to grab something quickly and that the supermarkets would be too busy to do a full shop (but wanted me to drive to waitrose so he could get a posh pork pie). When I suggested we get something we could all eat , he acted like I was massively putting him out and that it would be too much bother.

When really I think that we should be enjoying meals together, I wouldn't dream of feeding myself and not the rest of the family. Why is it okay for him to behave like that?

It's just last in a long line of him acting like everything is just 'too much' effort when I have been run ragged making sure everything is pleasant and I get this!

OP posts:
ethelb · 23/12/2013 13:41

He sounds a bit difficult but why can't you all eat pork pie when you get home?

bigbuttons · 23/12/2013 13:42

I think you do too much and because your expectations are so high they will always be dashed. As I said earlier. Stop doing so much.

JennyOnAPlate · 23/12/2013 13:43

Ok so he was a bit thoughtless. But couldn't you have bought food for you all at the same time as his pork pie? I don't get it.