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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just want to cancel Christmas

62 replies

Geckos48 · 23/12/2013 12:49

The children are only little, they won't know any different until at least next year

I just feel like I have worked and worked and worked to make things nice for the family and the only person capable of showing me any support or love or reciprocation for my efforts is being a complete cunt to me.

I have just driven around 20 miles to pick up the last little bits of presents, I have cleaned the house and got the kids ready and then waiting for half an hour in the rain and wind to pick up DH

He has basically spent the last half an hour in the car complaining that he is hungry and recommending that we go to a shop and get food that only he can eat.

I have no present to unwrap Christmas morning, he hasn't had time or money to buy me anything apparently. I have arrange something really special and personal for him.

I have made sure the children have plenty of nice (secondhand but nice) gifts to open and I have wrapped them all.

When he suggested that we just get something for him to eat because HE is hungry and of course that is far more important than anything else, I just flipped.

I mean what the fuck??? So I can run around for a month making sure Christmas is magical and then he can demand that after waiting for half an hour in gale force winds for him that HE is the only one that gets to eat???

Seems I put myself out for the kids loads and get nothing back for it.

I'm sick of it, I am so angry, just drove straight home and got the kids a drink and came upstairs.

He had just come up, had a massive go at me for ignoring him - I just calmly said 'I don't want to talk to you' and then slammed our bedroom door so loudly that it has knocked one of my favourite pictures off the wall and shattered it.

OP posts:
LavenderBriggs · 23/12/2013 13:47

It sounds as if you're upset because your needs weren't taken into account, whereas if you were thinking about buying lunch you'd check to see if anyone else needed anything first. Did you expect to be waiting so long for him?

Original poster
Geckos48 · 23/12/2013 13:49

I can't eat pork pie because I don't eat wheat.

No he just wanted something only he could eat,, when I told him that we could get something we all could eat he acted like I had suggested the worst thing on earth.

OP posts:
bigbuttons · 23/12/2013 13:50

I duuno, this isn't about a bloody pork pie really is it?

LavenderBriggs · 23/12/2013 13:51

Is this something that has happened before, or is unusual behaviour?

PaddingtonBearsDuffleCoat · 23/12/2013 13:51

Stop enabling his childish behaviour. He sounds very selfish and unless you call him on it he will carry on like this. He is a father, he can't just pull up at Waitrose and get a pork pie leaving a hungry wife and children in the car. Try spending the remainder of the day resting and playing with your children, make sure that you and they have plenty to eat and let him fend for himself. Talk to him when you are both calm and tell him what has to happen in future. Yes, it was only a row about a pork pie today but it is about far more than that-his attitude towards his family and how much or little he does as part of that family.

Deathwatchbeetle · 23/12/2013 13:57

I think next year (if you are still together) you need to discuss Christmas and what you want HIM to do. Too many women make martyrs of themselves and expect men to read their unsaid messages and dirty glances (hah!).

LeBearPolar · 23/12/2013 13:58

I am confused by the pork pie. Was it in a special pork pie shop which didn't sell any other food that you and the kids could eat?

I mean, we can be out shopping and say DS fancies a slice of pizza from the pasty shop but DH and I fancy a pasty, only he eats steak and I don't - so we order a slice of pizza, a steak pasty, and a veg pasty.

Or are you saying that your DH was going to refuse to let you buy food for you and the kids from whatever shop he wanted his pork pie from? Confused

Vivacia · 23/12/2013 14:03

The point about the pork pie is that OP has been running around putting everybody else's happiness first. She waits for 30 minutes in the bad weather to save him the journey home but the first thing her husband does is put his needs first. I can see that from his point of view, he'd just finished work and might have been starving. He might believe that OP has had all morning to feed herself and the kids if they're hungry.

Vivacia · 23/12/2013 14:05

OP it's all too easy to martyr ourselves and then withdraw and get more and more resentful that people can't read our minds and then we withdraw a bit more until it's just a vicious circle.
Do you think it would help to start communicating (incredibly) clearly what you need?

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 23/12/2013 14:06

I'm confused. Surely the pork pie shop sells other things too? I think you've over-reacted. When people are hungry, they get ratty - but you've exacerbated it by massively over-reacting to him saying he was hungry imho.

And if you really have run around like a loon and horribly stressed yourself out to make things 'nice' then you should have sat back a bit. Some people massively over-estimate what is needed to make things 'nice' - if it just becomes a massive stress then it isn't 'nice' at all.

I suspect he's gone out to buy you a present and try to make things okay.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 23/12/2013 14:07

I do understand why you are so upset.

He was being self-centred.

Things like this can build up that can make us snap.
On a lighter note, just think in future when this sort of thing crops up again (hopefully it won't but.....), you can always warn him with 'I don't want another PORK PIE at christmas incident.'
Hope you have a lovely christmas!

Original poster
Geckos48 · 23/12/2013 14:42

I am definitely going to use the 'pork pie incident' thing.

We are sorted, he has begged and I have forgiven.

OP posts:
tribpot · 23/12/2013 14:47

I hope you've pointed out there are still two shopping days to Christmas, so he can get his selfish and thoughtless arse out to the shops to get something for you.

Why have you martyred yourself over Christmas? Next year just chill out - it doesn't have to be some big fancy event just because that's how it looks on the adverts. And don't do all the sodding wrapping yourself.

Vivacia · 23/12/2013 14:49

Next year just chill out and share out the jobs.

ashamedoverthinker · 23/12/2013 14:51

This is a bit like how I felt yesterday

Original poster
Geckos48 · 23/12/2013 15:00

Hope you are feeling better ashamed

OP posts:
KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 23/12/2013 15:11

Ooooorrr alternatively you could just say stop being such a pork pie!
Seriously though I am really pleased - HAPPY CHRISTMAS ;-D

glasgowsteven · 23/12/2013 15:15

what a horrible story...

I feel for you...

shut him out for a few days, enjoy fun with the kids and create some special memories....feed ducks or squirrels or pigeons

Original poster
Geckos48 · 23/12/2013 15:18

I've told him I will make him a pork pie hat with bah humbug on it

OP posts:
ashamedoverthinker · 23/12/2013 16:16

trhanks gecko

we had a row lastnight n apologies

im out with cold today ive just come up to bed. he is in kitchen making a ham broth for tomorrow.

im ro do cold buffet later. so weve divided jobs up

Loveyouthree · 23/12/2013 16:26

Sorry, only read first page but I think you did overreact a bit. Why hadn't you eaten all day? Was that DH's fault?

As for today being "the day before Christmas" and a time to spend as a family... My DP has been on his works do all day.. Meal, drinks, go karting.. And I'm at home with 3 kids! Tomorrow and Wednesday will be 100% family days.

He definitely sounds like he's got anger issues though. Maybe he's gone out to buy a pork pie Confused

Original poster
Geckos48 · 23/12/2013 16:42

We've both just had the stomach flu, so feeling a bit worse for wear!

Chinese take away tonight so that will sort out the hunger issues!

OP posts:
FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 23/12/2013 16:50

Vivacia said what I would say.

You both need to try and be a bit more flexible.

And IMO having to do everything, and every meal as a " family event" sounds a bit tiresome!

And Christmas is magical anyway.

Too many women martyr themselves over Christmas!

ladymariner · 23/12/2013 21:11

If he's too hard up to get you a little present at Christmas and the kids are getting scond hand toys then why is he wanting waitrose pork pie and takeaways?? Beans on toast and a rethink is what should be on his menu.....

Thebluedog · 23/12/2013 22:23

I'm with you OP, my DH can be very much like yours, it's not necessarily the pork pie, more the complete disregard to you and the DCs.

Just ignore him and get on with stuff with your DCs

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