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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dying mum has asked me to do something for her

73 replies

oldbaghere · 21/12/2013 19:39

It's her one dying wish.

I can't do it. It's to make up with a family member I cut out of my life.

I feel like shit.

Do I do what she wants?

I have told her I won't fall out with them or cause a row but I don't want them in my life.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 21/12/2013 19:41

Tell her you understand that this is very important to her but you can't make any promises.

Then don't do anything.

Fairylea · 21/12/2013 19:43

I would just tell her you will (if you are very close to your mum and you want to please her) and then just don't. How will she know? Or will she know?

It does depend on the circumstances around the fall out though.

Original poster
oldbaghere · 21/12/2013 19:45

I will have to see them in the next few weeks and she will expect a Great Reconciliation.

I suppose I could fake it for the sake of peace.

OP posts:
RubyGoat · 21/12/2013 19:45

I (for me) think it would depend on why I had cut contact with the other family member.

mammadiggingdeep · 21/12/2013 19:49

I think it would depend on why I'd cut them out but I love my mum so much, I think if it truly was her parting wish I'd have to do it. Not saying they'd be back in my life for the future but is have a meet up with her present.

aaaaaaa · 21/12/2013 19:50

Its very unfair of her to ask this..

Original poster
oldbaghere · 21/12/2013 19:51

I do think its unfair. She knows why I've cut them out.

But I don't want for the world to upset her. So I guess I shall do it and then just let it fade away after

OP posts:
Me2Me2 · 21/12/2013 19:56

I would do it. She's your mother and it's her final wish. Could you live with yourself if you didnt? I presume you love your mother more than you detest the other person

Me2Me2 · 21/12/2013 19:57

Her feelings come first in this instance

pumpkinsweetie · 21/12/2013 19:58

Purely depends on what the reasons for cutting this person out are?
I think it was a very unfair thing to ask you to do.

Failing that you could lie, she will never know

Wolfiefan · 21/12/2013 19:58

Her feelings don't come first if contact was cut for violence or abuse reasons.
If it was falling out over who went where for Christmas then that's different.

ALittleStranger · 21/12/2013 19:59

I think it's hugely unfair of her to ask. If you decide to fake it I would definitely feel no guilt about cutting contact again in the future.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 21/12/2013 19:59

I am sorry. What a dilemma.

It takes two to make up anyway, so unless the dynamics that caused the rift has gone, your efforts may be a short term thing anyway.

Is there any half way house? Or any gesture that you would feel more comfortable with?

Original poster
oldbaghere · 21/12/2013 20:00

It was abusive and violent rages when drunk

OP posts:
Moxiegirl · 21/12/2013 20:01

Depends on reasons why I think. I cannot fake stuff like that and would not be able to do it if I didn't feel it!
I'm sorry about your mum.

Original poster
oldbaghere · 21/12/2013 20:01

I also have been expecting this since she was diagnosed. I knew she would ask this.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 21/12/2013 20:04

Does she know the reason for the fall out?

DorothyBastard · 21/12/2013 20:04

This is very unfair of your mum. Have you spoken to her about why she wants you to reconcile? Does she truly think it would be for your benifut or us she more concerned about what people might think for example?

Original poster
oldbaghere · 21/12/2013 20:06

She knows the reason.

She just wants it. I asked and that's just what she said.

OP posts:
tribpot · 21/12/2013 20:07

I don't think I could do it. Why should you, frankly? Is she asking the other person to make up with you?

JumpingJackSprat · 21/12/2013 20:07

I would explain to her that you are much happier and more settled not having this person in your life and you don't want to have to lie to her because you don't want to have to pretend that you will maintain contact with someone who treated you so badly. She will have to be content that after she sadly passes away that you will continue on without this person being in your life. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

DawnOfTheDee · 21/12/2013 20:08

If that's the reason then no, I wouldn't.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 21/12/2013 20:09

It sounds like the other person ought to go on a course and apologise to you.

Has she asked the same of other person?

Kitttty · 21/12/2013 20:10

Does this other person still drink? Were other people (including your mother) ever victims of the abuse and violent rages. Have they reformed? If not don't do it.

Isabeller · 21/12/2013 20:13

I heard a suggestion in Alanon about something slightly related so I'll pass it on in case it's any use to you.

Just for yourself ie not to share with your Mum, could you make a list of things you would, might and definitely wouldn't be willing to do with this person ie

Willing:

  • to be in the same room
  • to be civil if in the same room

Might be willing:

  • to send a charity christmas or birthday card

Definitely not willing:

  • to have an active social relationship
  • to discuss the past

You could honestly tell your mum that you have taken the first steps towards reconciliation and that you have given the whole process some thought even though privately your intention is not to continue the process beyond those first steps.

Good luck whatever you decide.