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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dying mum has asked me to do something for her

73 replies

oldbaghere · 21/12/2013 19:39

It's her one dying wish.

I can't do it. It's to make up with a family member I cut out of my life.

I feel like shit.

Do I do what she wants?

I have told her I won't fall out with them or cause a row but I don't want them in my life.

OP posts:

Original poster

oldbaghere · 22/12/2013 04:24

It is hard. I am running through various scenarios in my head and thinking how will I cope with x scenario if he's there.

I know he will bully and belittle me and not give me my place, for want of a better phrase. If when mum does and there's a funeral he will try to push me and more importantly dad out, and make it all about him.

He was told on Monday, as I was. I cried, phoned wider family, started a thread on here for support, didn't sleep. He went to the gym and has been posting inane shite on fb since. Also been posting a lot if "wine o'clock beer o'clock brandy o'clock" (I learnt this last night from my aunt)

OP posts:

Original poster

oldbaghere · 22/12/2013 04:25

Dies not does.

OP posts:

redmapleleaves · 22/12/2013 04:35

Oldbag I am sorry its so difficult. I thought Isabeller upthread gave good suggestions, I would lie too.

The scenarios for the funeral sound awful too. I think its really understandable these worst case scenarios are running through your head. To close them off at this stage so you can enjoy time with your mum while she is here, I wonder if you can write down some of your fears, telling yourself you won't forget them, because you now have them written down. It works for me. And then later, you can pass them to others in RL as posisble scenarios for which you'd like solutions. I'd guess funeral directors for example, if briefed beforehand, must have developed tactics for dealing with some of the possibilities, or your aunt, or other people who could be drafted in.

differentnameforthis · 22/12/2013 04:37

I really don't know what to suggest. What has your aunt/dad said about it?

It sounds like an Uncle, or grandfather (perhaps your mum's dad) is that correct? So a close family member, not a friend. Otherwise I wonder why your mum would have asked.

Original poster

oldbaghere · 22/12/2013 04:53

Dad doesn't know. She waited til he was out of the room. And that was deliberate. Because dad doesn't quite share the rose tinted view of this person that mum does.

OP posts:

tribpot · 22/12/2013 07:20

If your mum is so adamant she wants this, she needs to address the other party, not you

Meerka · 22/12/2013 08:07

I can understand why your mother wants a reconciliation and it -is- her dying wish, you love her, a dying wish carries weight.

On the hand, it does sound impossible. Your father obviously would disagree with her. Others in the family likely too, at a guess?

The funeral is also time for your father to have his time, not this person. I'm sorry but I think that while you can take isabeller's advice, the funeral should be for your father in particular ( and the reasonable members of the family). This person, if it's rather grit-your-teeth time with him but not totally ruined funeral, could maybe be invited. But if it's likely he will completely dominate it or ruin it for others, then he should not be. Perhaps in future you can try for some sort of armed truce or neutrality with him.

Original poster

oldbaghere · 22/12/2013 08:10

He will be there. But I'm going to grit my teeth.

He has every bit as much right to be there as I do.

I predict a "fucking twat" from the funeral thread

OP posts:

Hissy · 22/12/2013 08:11

Ignore the request.

She won't bring it up again, especially if you're not alone with her. If you get caught, suggest that you discuss it with your wider family.

You know your dad shares your view, so you know you're right to have done what you did.

No réconciliation.

Hissy · 22/12/2013 08:14

Yeah trib why isn't the twat the one to have to make the effort to be forgiven?

Why is the victim the one who has to suck it up? If you do OP, will that not set you up for more abuse in the future?

lifestory · 22/12/2013 10:25

so sad, imho, I would agree to your mothers dying wish. of course then the next step will be, would your conscience allow you to break your promise later? I ask because a similar event happened to me over 40 years ago. my mother made me repeat a promise, verbally to her that "if anything happened to her" I would always look out for my younger/older siblings. I made that promise, and the guilt I felt since then has been horrendous.she was killed just a few weeks later, and I have been torn in two ever since. I wish I hadn't agreed to that last wish. but I suppose I would do the same again, if she had asked. the bottom line could be that you "reconcile" and then simply lose touch in the future.or maybe if time is short, you won't have to honour your mum's wish?

Kitttty · 22/12/2013 17:16

Is there no one else able to stand up to this thug? ie have a quiet word in his ear to behave himself at your mothers funeral? Is it only you he threatens? Agree to what you Mum wants but dont do it.

The only consolation is that hopefully you will not have to encounter this person ever again. We have a nightmare SIL (psychotic coke head) who caused so much grief in the family for years and my pathetic db always took her side....when my Mum died the only silver lining was that we would never cross her path again.

Original poster

oldbaghere · 22/12/2013 17:18

I have two very large scary looking male friends who have independently offered to stand guard on me and (I quote one) kick him in the knackers if he as much as looks at me the wrong way.

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FryOneFatChristmasGoose · 22/12/2013 18:14

I read this thread through with sadness. While I have sympathy for the dying who hope they can go peacefully with everything sorted all nicely, I'm afraid I view dying wishes as emotional blackmail, and not to be adhered to unless it's the right thing to do for the person being asked.

I saw the effect on my dad when his MIL, my Nana, asked him to make sure my grandad was taken care of.

It ended up with my parents being ill and unable to care properly for my grandad between them, and Mum's 4 siblings doing as little as possible to help.

I suspect my Nana knew well enough, that my dad was the responsible one.

oldbaghere Don't agree if it will cause you pain in the long run, your mum may be dying, but she shouldn't ask that of you. And I think she well knows what she's asking or she'd have asked while your dad was still present.

I'm so sorry about your mum, and I hope you can find a solution that you are comfortable with.

Noctilucent · 22/12/2013 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

oldbaghere · 22/12/2013 19:51

I will never do anything like this to my kids. It's dreadful.

OP posts:

CrapBag · 22/12/2013 21:57

I suspect its a brother? Why else would your mum be that bothered as to make it her dying wish.

Please don't do it just because she wants you to, its very unfair of her to ask this, give non committal answers then ignore it, its not your mums life that this will have an impact on later on. I don't buy into crap about how people should all get on just because they are related. I am related to some utter knobs and I will be much happier when they are no longer in my life.

Isabeller · 26/12/2013 12:05

I understand this thread is about this particular difficult request but I hope you can spend time and emotional energy focussing on what is important to you in this last period of time with your Mum and how you and your Dad want to support each other now and after she is gone.

I remember something about not letting someone live 'rent-free in my head'. Whatever the rights and wrongs of this dilemma I hope you can limit the time you spend being distracted by it.

Your strapping friends sound like a godsend, sending steely determination to you through the ether.

carrotcakeandwine · 26/12/2013 18:22

People have the right to express dying wishes. They don't have the right to impose their will upon the life choices of others by doing so.

This. Emotional blackmail.

Pilgit · 26/12/2013 19:25

Tell her you have forgiven him as to live with the bitterness would guve him more power than he deserves but you will only be making up when he has admitted his wrong doing and made a full, frank and humbling apology. The ball is then firmly in his court. To ask anything more of you is just blackmail.

mouldyironingboard · 26/12/2013 19:27

Some bad behaviour is too awful to be forgiven. I'd just say sorry but I can never forget what happened and please don't mention him again to me.

It might be your mother's dying wish but it was you who suffered the violence and abuse, not her.

Korora · 26/12/2013 19:44

I'm so sorry that your mum is so sick OP.

But if you are worried that the person in question might continue the violent behaviour then no, you should not forgive him. He need to stop, and preferably understand why, for you to forgive him and reconcile. Otherwise you are just opening yourself up to more abuse and your mother should not be asking this of you.

But lying in this situation might not be the worst choice.

My thoughts will be with you.

clarinsgirl · 26/12/2013 19:57

What fry and carrot said. You have said you intend to fib and do nothing, but this puts even more of an emotional burden on you. I'm sorry that your Mum is so ill but it is wrong of her to ask this of you.

What about explaining to you Mum what you are prepared to do (forgive him?) and leave it at that? If she pushes you then you may have to explain that what she is asking would cause you pain and put you at risk therefore you can't do what she wants.

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