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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dying mum has asked me to do something for her

73 replies

oldbaghere · 21/12/2013 19:39

It's her one dying wish.

I can't do it. It's to make up with a family member I cut out of my life.

I feel like shit.

Do I do what she wants?

I have told her I won't fall out with them or cause a row but I don't want them in my life.

OP posts:

HavantGuard · 21/12/2013 20:15

Just because she's dying doesn't mean she has the right to force you to forgive someone. Tell her it's not going to happen.

edamsavestheday · 21/12/2013 20:18

Oh Good Lord that is hard. Really unfair. But I guess dying gives you the opportunity to engage in some emotional blackmail...

I'd be tempted to fib to her and then do nothing about it, but you say you are expected to see this person in the near future... in that case, I'd be civil to them in your Mother's presence but wouldn't go beyond that. I think.

Original poster

oldbaghere · 21/12/2013 20:28

I just spoke to my aunt.

I'm going to fib and then do nothing after.

OP posts:

Spherical · 21/12/2013 20:31

A friend of mine was in a similar position where her mum asked her to promise to look after someone when the mum, who had a terminal illness, passed away. It really took its toll on my poor friend who then had to put up with this person's involvement in her life for years afterwards.

I think it was unfair of her mum and I think it is unfair of your mum too. I would be inclined to say sorry, but I can't do that.

FrysChocolateCream · 21/12/2013 21:32

Is this unusual behaviour from your mother? Would she normally not respect your feelings about something?

IMO I think this is really terrible thing for her to do and feel quite angry on your behalf.

I know she is ill but could you try and have a proper conversation with her about it?

womma · 21/12/2013 21:35

Good choice obh. What a tough situation to be in.

Musicaltheatremum · 21/12/2013 22:03

My mother in law said there was going to be a "rapprochement" between me and my sister in law on the day of my husbands funeral. (She is his brothers wife) I refused to let her come. 21 months on I am still suffering for this but I know I am right. My husband didn't like her and she would have made the day really awkward. Don't do what you don't want to do. Even if you make up something.

LegoStillSavesMyLife · 21/12/2013 22:16

I think lie through your teeth. Give her some peace and then do what you know to be best.

LoisWilkerson1 · 21/12/2013 22:22

sorry oldbag what a dilemma but as others have said, maybe say you will think about it and just do nothing.

dozeydoris · 21/12/2013 22:24

Surely your DM must know that even if you promise her you will reconcile with the person, you will probably not maintain this once she has gone.

So if she is willing to pretend things are reconciled, even though they will prob not be long term, so can you.

Meerka · 21/12/2013 22:30

Isabeller's idea seems really good. Compromise between what you want, and honouring your mother's wishes.

Perhaps it will work, perhaps not, but it's a good way to at least -try- which is, I think, all your mother can realistically expect.

Anniegetyourgun · 21/12/2013 22:33

Dying wishes are totally not fair. The person gets to peg out with a nice warm feeling, leaving all the shit behind them for the living to pick up. Obviously if someone doesn't have long to go you want to make their remaining days as happy as possible, but that should not include giving them the right to dictate your future. It's not as though it's going to affect them in any way (sadly).

When someone is very ill, especially if there is either chronic pain or heavy medication involved, they are quite likely to become less reasonable (and if they weren't reasonable to begin with they're hardly going to start under those circumstances). So I'd say dying wishes are less to be respected than living ones, not more, as they are not always going to be coming from a rational place.

garlicbaubles · 21/12/2013 22:39

Your aunt is wise. Glad you've reached a solution that will calm your mum without compromising your own well-being.

CalamityKate · 21/12/2013 23:03

Lie. She'll never know and it will make her happy.

ImperialBlether · 21/12/2013 23:08

The thing is that most of us have no idea which is our last day on earth, so you should tell your mum that it is your dying wish not to speak to this person as he frightens you.

We all have the right to dying wishes, not just the dying.

Me2Me2 · 22/12/2013 00:20

Ok the details you've given make it far less clear cut. Im too used to unecessary family fall outs and didnt consuder the mire sinister possibilities. Can you assure her of a truce perhaps instead? I'm sorry she is ill and you are in this position

FastLoris · 22/12/2013 00:34

I certainly wouldn't do it.

I can't for the life of me understand how the fact of her dying gives her the right the emotionally blackmail you. You are there FOR HER, and that is the sum total of your responsibility. She doesn't somehow gain some mysterious right to determine any other aspect of your life that she chooses.

JeanPaget · 22/12/2013 00:44

I'm really surprised at the general consensus here.

I wouldn't deny my mother her dying wish.

Bogeyface · 22/12/2013 00:48

I wouldn't deny my mother her dying wish.

What if her dying wish was for you to forgive a man who abused you or your child? Or to "make up" with someone who murdered your father?

These are just examples, but can you honestly say, hand on heart, that you would do those things if she asked? I wouldnt. I would lie and say that I would, but then not do it.

garlicbaubles · 22/12/2013 00:51

JeanPaget, perhaps you've been fortunate enough to live a life without abuse.

Many people want their fantasy of a united, happy family to come true before they die. If creating that fantasy means family members must cosy up to those who've beaten, conned, robbed, emotionally crushed or raped them ... the request is unreasonable. If the fantasy can be created without actual fulfilment - as it seems it can, in OP's case - then that is both safer and kind enough, surely?

BlackeyedShepherdswatchsheep · 22/12/2013 00:52

I second bogey. this person is violent to op. one punch can kill. would you really want to risk that?

or be pushed over and bang head, or have something thrown at them, or be barged past and fall down stirs/though window/against something?

FastLoris · 22/12/2013 01:09

People have the right to express dying wishes. They don't have the right to impose their will upon the life choices of others by doing so.

To turn the whole thing on its head, look at it from the parent's POV. I have two wonderful children. I'm raising them to be the best that they can. I give my love and life to them without hesitation or thought of recompense. I hope that when they become adults, they'll have the ability to make wise choices for themselves and live positive independent lives.

The idea of of turning around on my deathbed and basically saying "oh by the way, you know all that love and support I gave you? Well HERE IS THE PRICE..."

That idea just seems utterly obscene.

ArthurCucumber · 22/12/2013 01:11

That sounds so difficult. I have no advice, just wanted to thank you for raising this issue, and for the advice of those who have some to give. Provided my mother is coherent when she is dying, I will without a doubt be in exactly the same position in - I'd love to say 20 - but realistically, more like 5-10 years time, and for the same reason. The responses here have helped me start to work out what I might do.

All the very best to you in whatever you decide, and in the difficult times to come.

chirpchirp · 22/12/2013 01:44

A hugely unfair thing to do. In my opinion the idea of a dying wish is little more than emotional blackmail.

I would say it straight, I love you and I will be with you to the end but this person cannot be in my life anymore and you know the reason why so please don't ask me again.

differentnameforthis · 22/12/2013 04:19

I cut my mum out of my life many many years ago & if someone asked me (as their dying wish) to make up with her, I don't know if I could do it. Or even lie about doing it.

You have my sincere sympathies, op, it must be very hard for you.

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