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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP is behaving like a spoilt child

76 replies

workshyfop · 21/12/2013 15:47

DP spent this morning doing jobs around the house - buying the xmas tree, taking stuff to the tip, getting the decorations down from the loft etc while I looked after the baby and had a lie down while she had her nap (tired as still feeding her at night). After lunch he put the tree up and DS(5) was all excited about decorating it. We're all in the dining room, he's getting the baubles out of boxes, and I'm tidying up stuff in the corner of the room, making more space for the tree. I know I'm irritating him but ignore it. I'm carrying some stuff upstairs to pu away when DS follows me and whispers 'when you were turned away daddy gave you an angry look'. I say 'I know, don't worry, he does that, take no notice'. DP overhears what I said and starts demanding poor DS tells him what he said. I try to gloss over it but can't think of a lie quick enough and tell him. He immediately picks up the car keys and leaves. I ring his mobile and text him saying DS wants to decorate the tree and wants him there, but no response. About 3 hours later he comes back and goes straight upstairs. DS runs after him calling 'daddy, daddy'. (I'm holding the sleeping baby downstairs.) He then comes back down upset, saying daddy said 'fuck off' and shut the bedroom door on him. He is 5.
What is WRONG with him? What would you do? (More constructive than LTB pls).

OP posts:

thenightsky · 21/12/2013 15:49

I'm appalled he told his 5 year old to 'fuck off'

Lweji · 21/12/2013 15:51

You could tell him to apologise to DS and that if he ever swears at DS again that you will LTB.

Why were you irritating him? Because you were tidying up? Why didn't you talk about it?

thenightsky · 21/12/2013 15:51

I don't understand why you were irritating him. I cannot understand it all.

Was he just looking for an excuse to strop off out do you think?

LondonMother · 21/12/2013 15:51

He told your 5-year-old to fuck off? I'm sorry, I have nothing constructive to say in response to that. At the very least he has to apologise to your son.

Lweji · 21/12/2013 15:51

(not saying you should have talked about it, but more interested in the dynamics of your relationship)

neiljames77 · 21/12/2013 15:54

ANYBODY, man or woman, who tells their kids to fuck off or they were a mistake or anything like that, doesn't deserve them.

Facebaffle · 21/12/2013 15:57

Why were you irritating him? Had something else happened?

pomdereplay · 21/12/2013 15:58

It's more than just 'behaving like a spoilt child' to swear so viciously at such a young child. In fact, I bet your 5 year old son is better at mastering his emotions. That's not even including the filthy looks, the stomping a

pomdereplay · 21/12/2013 15:59

...the stomping about, the storming out. Be honest OP. Is this a total, unprecedented one-off? In which case, talk about it with him. If it isn't, then 'LTB' isn't bad advice in the slightest.

naicehameggandchips · 21/12/2013 16:01

OP, this does not bode well at all. My exP used to storm off and blame me for things. It just makes for a very tense atmosphere where you always feel like things could kick off at any time and so you are constantly trying to pacify them.
I tried to make a go of my relationship for the sake of my kids despite this kind of thing going on but I got more and more unhappy and my eldest dd definitely picked up on the tension - she got quite anxious and would actively try to stop me and exP talking to each other as it usually ended up in us arguing!
Life at home is so much more peaceful and happy now we are no longer together.
Our relationship did not end as a result of me putting a stop to it, but him eventually walking out and never coming back!

Original poster

workshyfop · 21/12/2013 16:04

I know, I think what he said to DS is appalling. He often swears in front of him (I've repeatedly asked him not to) but never said that before.

lweji not sure why I was irritating him, but having lived with him for years I can pick up signals that I am, even with my back turned. He seems to expect me to behave in a particular way, do or don't do something, and gets annoyed when I don't comply. But he doesn't tell me what he wants. Expects me to be psychic. His communication skills are woeful.

OP posts:

HairyGrotter · 21/12/2013 16:04

I suspect he was pissed off that you'd been in bed, having a nap, whilst he 'worked', as it were.

He handled it appallingly, telling his son to 'fuck off' is not on. He needs to apologise quick fast and learn how to communicate like an adult

Lweji · 21/12/2013 16:09

The fact that LTB is not an option for you is probably known by your OH, and it allows his behaviour.
He knows there are no consequences for his tantrums and twuntiness.

Original poster

workshyfop · 21/12/2013 16:14

This isn't a one off. He has tantrums and is emotionally immature. He gets angry at any perceived slight, by me or strangers when we're out. For example, last weekend we were watching DS doing one of his hobbies. Another parent stood in front of us as we were leaving and he says 'stand in front of me and I'll rip your head off' just quietly enough for people around us to be not quite sure what he said. He often has hugely disproportionate reactions to someone ignoring or slighting him. Does that sotto voce violent threats thing in public. But if it's me then I get the full tantrum.

OP posts:

Lweji · 21/12/2013 16:14

Your children are already picking up on the dynamics at home. At the moment your DS seems to be on your side. Soon he'll probably be copying his dad's behaviour or suffering the consequences, as it happened today.
Is that what you want?

Lweji · 21/12/2013 16:15

Has he ever been violent with you? Throwing things at home? Punching things? Pushing you? Or worse?

And why is LTB not an option?

Original poster

workshyfop · 21/12/2013 16:21

HairyGrotter you're probably right.

lweji I have said before that I'll leave if his behaviour doesn't change. When it gets right down to the wire, days of shouting/crying, practical arrangements made for accommodation etc he calms down and behaves decently for a time. That is exhausting. Why do we have to go to that extent for him to modify his behaviour? I really don't want to break up the family. When he's being 'normal' it's good. Could he be helped to change do you think?

OP posts:

neiljames77 · 21/12/2013 16:22

HairyGrotter, it looks like getting an apology would be not only unlikely but probably dangerous for the OP to ask for one.

myroomisatip · 21/12/2013 16:23

He sounds utterly vile. I am shocked that you would consider staying with someone who would swear at his own child.

Sadly IMO his behaviour will get worse.

mammadiggingdeep · 21/12/2013 16:26

Op....my heart aches for your poor child running after daddy and then being told to F off and having a door shut in his face.

What an absolute arse. How utterly vile.

My only advice would be to ltb so apart from that I can't advise you. So sorry.

What will happen now? According to what usually happens- how long does he sulk for?

Lweji · 21/12/2013 16:27

He doesn't change his behaviour, does he? He just puts out for a few days so that you don't actually kick him out.

You will have to carry out, even if he becomes nice, because he has shown you that he won't change. Otherwise, the cycle will just carry on and on... and on and on.

Sorry. :(

Lweji · 21/12/2013 16:30

The only hope you have is that he actually believes you will kick him out for good.
But you should understand that if you become vulnerable in any way, he will kick you down again.

Mrsantithetic · 21/12/2013 16:31

If my dp told our dd to fuck off he would be wearing the Christmas tree with the fairy up his arse back to his mothers.

Ruprekt · 21/12/2013 16:32

Poor ds.

ToucanBlack · 21/12/2013 16:33

If DH told me to fuck off and shut a door in my face because I had 'upset' him for some unknown reason I would be seriously reconsidering out relationship.

To do that to our child would be unforgivable.

Someone needs to stand up for your child and show him what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. It clearly isn't going to be his father. Don't let this become the norm for your children, this isn't a good relationship

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