Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

DP is behaving like a spoilt child

76 replies

workshyfop · 21/12/2013 15:47

DP spent this morning doing jobs around the house - buying the xmas tree, taking stuff to the tip, getting the decorations down from the loft etc while I looked after the baby and had a lie down while she had her nap (tired as still feeding her at night). After lunch he put the tree up and DS(5) was all excited about decorating it. We're all in the dining room, he's getting the baubles out of boxes, and I'm tidying up stuff in the corner of the room, making more space for the tree. I know I'm irritating him but ignore it. I'm carrying some stuff upstairs to pu away when DS follows me and whispers 'when you were turned away daddy gave you an angry look'. I say 'I know, don't worry, he does that, take no notice'. DP overhears what I said and starts demanding poor DS tells him what he said. I try to gloss over it but can't think of a lie quick enough and tell him. He immediately picks up the car keys and leaves. I ring his mobile and text him saying DS wants to decorate the tree and wants him there, but no response. About 3 hours later he comes back and goes straight upstairs. DS runs after him calling 'daddy, daddy'. (I'm holding the sleeping baby downstairs.) He then comes back down upset, saying daddy said 'fuck off' and shut the bedroom door on him. He is 5.
What is WRONG with him? What would you do? (More constructive than LTB pls).

OP posts:

Original poster

workshyfop · 21/12/2013 16:34

Thanks everyone. My lovely 5 year old often is better at mastering his emotions.

Dp can keep a lid on it at work and with his parents, siblings, friends. So why does he think its ok to behave like a knob with us?

I will ask that he apologises to ds. He needs to behave properly to him.

He's never hit me or thrown things, but has physically intimidated me when we've been arguing.

OP posts:

SouthStaffsMadam · 21/12/2013 16:35

What an absolute shit. I have no advice because swearing at our 5 year old child so viciously would be something I couldnt forgive of my DH.

Tell him to sod off for the night to give you some space and let him calm down and see if he's ready to apologise and sort his fucking tude out after that.

Lweji · 21/12/2013 16:40

He behaves like that with you because he knows there won't be consequences.
That's his real self. He controls it outside because other people wouldn't put up with it. His boss would sack him. And he probably respects his parents, but not you, nor the children. :(

Original poster

workshyfop · 21/12/2013 16:41

Oh shit, I'm crying now for my poor ds. He's such a good boy.

The reason I haven't LTB is because I have no support. My family are 250 miles away, and tbh are equally capable of giving me grief (that's a whole other thread). I'm on mat leave currently too so v little income.

OP posts:

Original poster

workshyfop · 21/12/2013 16:48

That's his real self. Wow. For some reason that never occurred to me before. I kind of thought it was stress or some psychological damage that could somehow be mended.

OP posts:

Lweji · 21/12/2013 16:48

Please call Women's Aid. You need to have options. You need to know what financial support you can get, help with accommodation and how to stay safe from him if necessary.
You should also talk to people. HV, GP, CAB, even a free solicitor chat.
His behaviour should be on record. If you talk to your HV and GP about OH, for example to ask them if he could be depressed, it would be on record.

Original poster

workshyfop · 21/12/2013 16:53

Also when I have been on the verge of leaving before he said he would get custody of DS (before we had DC2). I couldn't bear that.

If that didn't happen not sure I could cope with FT long hours job, and the DC on my own. Feel pathetic for admitting it but I have literally no-one for support.

OP posts:

Lweji · 21/12/2013 16:55

He will have to support the children too. But, trust me, it's easier to parent without a twunt of a partner around.

Original poster

workshyfop · 21/12/2013 16:56

Thanks Lweji I will talk to GP. And contact women's aid.

He can be a shit to me, but I'm not having him talk to my boy like that.

OP posts:

starlight1234 · 21/12/2013 16:58

This is emotional abuse... You need to contact womens aid...

you are not sure what you have done to annoy him but are accepting it...which is why he does it...My Ex was like this we ended up in a refuge ..he was I believe genuinely shocked..I asked him afterwards what he thought would happen .he said he thought he would apologise and everything would carry on the way it was...

You will be surprised how much easier life is without walking on eggshells. You children don't desrve to put up with this and neither do you

Lweji · 21/12/2013 16:58

Wishing you all the best. Stay strong.

Remember that the way he treats you reflects on the children too. He is damaging your son just because of that. And now directly too. :(

ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp · 21/12/2013 17:07

You poor innocent boy. Don't let him be damaged by this pathetic bully who is emotionally abusing you both. Being on your own may seem hard, but it will be better than your son learning that this is all he deserves, to be sworn at and rejected by a manipulative, controlling bully who puts his own emotional selfish needs before any love for his children.

LTB, seriously, this is the only way you and your son will be truly happy. There is help out there, get it, use it. He is very very unlikely to get custody - talk to the professionals so that even if he makes empty threats you can rebuff them with knowledge. He is playing on you being too weak to stand up to him. Stand up.

pomdereplay · 21/12/2013 17:07

I'm very sorry (though not at all surprised, sadly) to hear you confirm that this is not a one-off but part of a bigger, unhappier picture.

Others have already explained far better than I could why your 'partner' reserves the worst of his hideous temper for you and your son. Put short: it's because he knows he can get away with it. This is not victim blaming. You and your son have every right to live a peaceful, happy life (and enjoy a lovely, cheerful, stress-free Christmas!) without having to tip toe around this bully of a man. He is using your and your son's love and loyalty against you.

Please don't let your lovely, mature little boy grow up fearful and confused around this changeable, aggressive person. I had a father who could turn at the flip of a coin. He swore and stomped and threw tantrums too. It was unutterably damaging.

This can stop, but LTB might have to be on the table as a serious, viable option for that to happen. Please consider it, and take the advice of a wise poster above to reach out to Woman's Aid. In the meantime we'll all be here to listen. Take care.

eightandthreequarters · 21/12/2013 17:10

I'd never recommend LTB over just that one incident... but it's not just that one incident, and both you and the DC will be better off without him in the house. I'm so sorry.

myroomisatip · 21/12/2013 17:22

I was in a similar situation with an abusive ex and no family or RL support. I understand how difficult it is, well, it seems impossible, but it isnt.

Please contact Womens Aid, the CAB and a few solicitors. I doubt very much that he would get custody. My ex used to threaten me with that too :(

I truly believe that if he is intimidating it is only a matter of time before his behaviour gets worse. Please make plans and try to put a bit of money away.

Original poster

workshyfop · 21/12/2013 17:33

Thank-you so much everyone for your help. He's still sulking in the bedroom. DS is playing happily with his cars. At least he doesn't yet know what 'fuck off' means. I guess it'll all kick off when he eventually emerges. Here's to a lovely christmas...

I grew up in a violent home with emotional abuse that was far worse than this. Maybe that's why I've put up with this until now, it didn't seem that bad . But my father never said the f word in front of me as a child.

I think I need re-calibrating.

OP posts:

PaddingtonBearsDuffleCoat · 21/12/2013 17:39

Poor you and your DS having to pussy-foot around this man in case you incur his wrath. Who does he think he is? I am so glad that you have had your 'lightbulb' moment and won't be putting up with this abusive behaviour any more. I doubt he will ever change and as you can't change his behaviour you realise that you have to remove yourself and your children from him. Keep strong and do take note of all the good advice on here re leaving an abusive relationship.

WholeLottaRosie · 21/12/2013 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Isetan · 21/12/2013 18:15

What incentive is there for him to change? This man is prepared to verbally abuse you and his child, so obviously being a decent human being isn't one. You can't change his behaviour but you can, and should, limit your exposure to it and if your'e not prepared to LTB then it is going to be damn near impossible.

When you break it down, this isn't about him, its about you and the shit you are prepared to put up with and expose your son to. Stop asking questions which you can't answer like "Why does he do that" and start asking the question which you can, "Why do I let him get away with it".

There are two people in your house who have absolutely no say and neither you or your husband are one of them. Your marriage is a major relationship role model for your children, don't let them grow up thinking that being abused by a parent is normal, it isn't.

I'M not having a go OP, I have worn that t-shirt and felt the powerlessness. Things only changed when I stopped expecting/hoping ex would 'see the light' and instead followed through on the consequences of overstepping my boundaries.

Helpyourself · 21/12/2013 18:21

You really, really have to leave. Where your family live is irrelevant. What's your accommodation situation- who's on the lease/ mortgage?

Helpyourself · 21/12/2013 18:22

^^ read carefully what Isetan is saying.

Original poster

workshyfop · 21/12/2013 19:03

We have a joint mortgage.

OP posts:

haveyourselfashandy · 21/12/2013 19:18

It might help op if you think of life with your dp now,then imagine what your dc will look back on and remember about their childhood.Your ds will remember when his dad shut the door in his face and told him to fuck off.
This is what made me leave my ds's dad,I'm not saying you need to ltb! I knew it was never going to change it was who he was so I left and made some amazing memories with my boy.
Your dh needs to fully understand the damage he is doing to his family,I hope he is capable of change.Good luck.

TheSparklyPussycat · 21/12/2013 19:31

It is very common for EA men to wreck what are supposed to be special moments Also to threaten custody if you split. Do come over to the EA thread where you'll find a lot of support and understanding.

rpitchfo · 21/12/2013 19:38

Everyone snaps and shouts at some point but he was gone for 3 hours. If he can't come back and be reasonable after having all that time to think well... You're dealing with an irrational person.

Flip

1 2 3 4