DP is behaving like a spoilt child

[workshyfop]

DP spent this morning doing jobs around the house - buying the xmas tree, taking stuff to the tip, getting the decorations down from the loft etc while I looked after the baby and had a lie down while she had her nap (tired as still feeding her at night). After lunch he put the tree up and DS(5) was all excited about decorating it. We're all in the dining room, he's getting the baubles out of boxes, and I'm tidying up stuff in the corner of the room, making more space for the tree. I know I'm irritating him but ignore it. I'm carrying some stuff upstairs to pu away when DS follows me and whispers 'when you were turned away daddy gave you an angry look'. I say 'I know, don't worry, he does that, take no notice'. DP overhears what I said and starts demanding poor DS tells him what he said. I try to gloss over it but can't think of a lie quick enough and tell him. He immediately picks up the car keys and leaves. I ring his mobile and text him saying DS wants to decorate the tree and wants him there, but no response. About 3 hours later he comes back and goes straight upstairs. DS runs after him calling 'daddy, daddy'. (I'm holding the sleeping baby downstairs.) He then comes back down upset, saying daddy said 'fuck off' and shut the bedroom door on him. He is 5.
What is WRONG with him? What would you do? (More constructive than LTB pls).

Why would he get custody of your ds?

His behaviour will only get worse, not better.

Your DS is old enough to remember this forever. Think about that as you prepare yourself to leave.

You will have plenty of practical advice here, from those that have been through it, and plenty of emotional support too, from everyone who is willing you to leave and make a better life for your DCs. Because that is what it is all about now, only them.

Can you honesty look at them and let this happen over and over again? They will be happier living alone with you in a one-bedroom flat than in a mansion with him there, if this is how he behaves.

Can you see them walking on eggshells forever or running free and happy and not afraid to be themselves?

If my DH had told either of my DC to F*Off he would have been out of the door so fast his feet wouldn't have touched the ground.

Getting the Christmas tree ready should be magical for a five year-old. I don't want to make you feel worse than you already do, but you are the only person in your little boy's corner here, and he deserves a better childhood than this. Just like you did.

Sparkly where is the EA thread please?

cailin he wouldn't necessarily get custody but when I spoke to a solicitor a while ago they said that as we both work full-time it would be 50:50. At the time I was afraid ti take that chance.

Here is a link to the current EA thread

Hello OP. How are you and DS today?

workshyfop I am so sorry to read your post. My ex did similar things, I recall a couple of Christmas incidents, one when we were putting up Xmas lights and one when he snapped at dd1 and made her cry at the very moment she hung her Xmas stocking on the mantelpiece on Xmas eve. It took me a while to leave but leave I did.

Life is hard in practical terms now as LP but nothing is as hard (or as damaging to your dc) as staying. We are now getting ready for our first Xmas as a threesome minus the unpredictable misery-guts. It will be so much easier.

My heart goes out to you, OP. Please call Women's Aid.

Hi Toucan and handy well he apologised last night after I told him how despicable his behaviour was (tho he denied saying fuck off to DS). Today has been ok, he's held it together and managed to be decent. But I know its an effort and he's having to bite his tongue. I need time to think about what to do.

I hope you three have a wonderful christmas Handywoman

I'd be surprised if he would actually want custody (residence?) if it came down to it. This seems to be commonly used as a threat to keep partners in their place, rather than something actually feasible.

You and your DS deserve better. You need to believe that. I hope you get time to think about it and see a way forward.

Being aware of his behavioural problems is, I think, half your battle. You are more aware of, if not actually forgiving him, explaining away and ignoring his little bouts of bloodymindedness and so are less likely to each time he behaves this way.

It could still go either way. Fight for your DCs, please.

Oh workshyfop ex also would deny using expletives, moments after he said them I put this down to his 'blind rage' which makes it all the more unacceptable/disproportionate. Am also familiar with the effort involved in being nice.

I am glad you posted about what happened. No need to rush just take baby steps, get yourself a free 30mins with a solicitor and take it from there.

Thanks for the good wishes our house is nice and relaxed and I am looking forward to Christmas though not the bit where ex comes round in the morning

Hope your Christmas is ok. Keep posting for support and a listening ear.

He might, just might, behave better if he knew you were going to actually leave. And you kept threatening.

But do you really want to be with a person who feels that saying "fuck off" to a child is only not OK because you threaten him to leave? Wouldn't you prefer to be with someone who would be ashamed of himself for saying that?

Distance yy, that's what I'm coming to think more and more. If he has to make such an effort to behave nicely, it's all fake isn't it?

It all blew up again last night. He was muttering his displeasure at me under his breath (I wrapped all ds presents but didn't hide them back upstairs as I was then holding the baby). I called him on it, but he just denies it and says I'm being 'paranoid' and 'psycho'. He's wfh today but we're not speaking. Have decided to stop modifying my behaviour to try to keep him happy.

handywoman re the swearing, he reckons he has some kind of tourettes and doesn't know he's doing it. Not sure how seriously he means this, he really does not have tourettes. I do wonder though if he's aware if how he comes across, his tone of voice can be so harsh and upsetting yet when I react to it, he acts as though I've initiated the bad feeling iyswim?

I don't know how we're going to get through christmas, we're travelling to both see both our parents.

If he had Tourette's he'd be swearing without helping it in front of family & work colleagues as well.

Tourettes my arse, he's just a nasty gobshite by the sounds of it.

Oh lord, you poor things. I can't add much to the previous good advice, but there was one thing that set off my alarms. Muttering at complete strangers that he'd rip their face off for standing in their way? Normally, the EA bullies are as nice as pie outside the home, because they're afraid of what might happen if they're not.

This chap doesn't have those limits, and one day he might meet someone who will call him on it. If he survives the encounter, and you're a witness, he will replay it once he gets you home. Coupled with the the deliberate ruination of Christmas moments, this is reminiscent of the way Mick Philpott behaved when thwarted: his defeats in the outside world were the trigger for terrorizing the family.

He's got more a bad case of gaslighting, IMO.

Disgrace has a very good point.

ExH would rant at the world, but he was actually a failure, with (apparent) social anxiety. All he could really control was at home. Until I left.

I was with one of these for ten years. It's no way to live, I would start making a plan if I were you. You deserve better

Please think very carefully about your future with this man. The swearing under his breath that he is accusing you of imagining or over reacting to, is him venting (like the side crater on a volcano). This is him inadvertently letting you know what sort of person he really is. When people do that, listen carefully, do not ignore it, it is more valid to your situation than what he says directly to your face. This goes for the looks he gives you behind your back that others are aware of and his verbalisations semi under his breath when out in company.

My gut feeling is that the last thing you should be telling him is you are considering leaving him as he may well escalate his abuse and things could become dangerous.
He would be very very unlikely to get custody if you separated. His telling you this is extreme controlling behaviour and if you read the EA threads on here, you will come to realise saying that to you is classic behaviour. I strongly suspect you will come to realise an awful lot of other truths if you fully read on here, OP. All the posts on here are hard won opinions remember from many posters that have experienced some very tough times.

If my DP told me to fuck off, or said that to my DCs, the second before that came out of his mouth would be the last second of our relationship.
You said in an earlier post that you didn't want to break up the family. It's not you that's doing that though is it? It's him. He's making it as hard as he can for the family to stay together by being a manchild amongst other things.
Read and you will be astonished at how many situations mirror your own but more importantly, please consider your DS before any other consideration. You are his only hope of a normal childhood and upbringing. Your own may have been a bit off but you can be strong and change that for him.

I should have added (Bullace vodka - sorry!) don't tell him you are going to leave if you are, just do it to stay safe.

Best of luck in whatever you choose to do, you sound like an intuitive person that knows the truth but has been choosing to ignore the bad bits. Many of us and myself included have been there. The effing at the 5yo would put the thick layer of icing on my Christmas cake though!