Do YOU turn your partner on?

[tory79]

Sorry, wasn't really sure how to phrase the title of this post!

I was thinking about dh and my sex life, and I realised that actually when he initiates sex t is because he wants sex..... As in I don't think he ever looks at me and thinks oooh my wife is hot, or she's looking sexy, I really want to have sex with her or anything like that, I think it's quite a separate thing. I don't know if that makes sense at all.

We were getting ready to go out the other night and I was wandering round in my underwear and I swear he never even noticed or looked at me, this is quite normal for us (although I don't often wander round in my underwear for this very reason - I always end up feelin slightly ignored!)

Is this normal/common?

Duh - oh yes, in the past I talked with her about our sex life, we went to therapy, done all that, but in the end nothing has made any difference really. There's nothing to be done now. She seems to have an extremely low sex drive and is very inhibited. I know now that she will never change but I have no plans to go off somewhere, not now. She's just the way she is and is quite happy with the way she is. We've been married over 30 years.

I've got to admit my body has changed since we've met and had children etc - if think this does bother dh, even though he says not. Am I alone in thinking like this or do men not really mind as your the same person inside?

I think I might have to come to "acceptance" to in our complete lack of physical relationsihp, but it makes me sad, my heart ache to see what could be there.

Only married 4 years, but i honestly do not see it changing. I fancy the pants off my DH. I just think he is unbelievably attractive. I am not alone, he is a very good looking man. Before I had even met him, I had heard about him from a colleague who said he was the spitting image of Daniel Craig. He is not though, in my eyes, he is even better.

Right, as for him fancying me. Yeah, pretty sure he does.

I don't think I could have a marriage with a complete lack of intimacy......in my head it's a way of him telling me I'm special and he wants me

Turkeys, how did she respond to sex at other times?

Groping while one is going about other business is not particularly sexy. And if by any chance you were not contributing while she was working. Why would she go from the shower to turn the cooker on?

Kids are a blessing but I think it has a big effect on things. To be honest, we don't do that much sex really. They are teenagers now and are going to know what the noises are. We put a rolled up pair of my socks between the headboard and the wall but the walls are thin and I don't see the point of spooning and me wriggling like a worm so we don't make any noise.

I went through a stage of having very low sex drive and I would never do anything that might lead DH to initiate sex. It wasn't that I didn't find him sexy but I was so scared about DTD that I would avoid even the most simple affection.

I'm at socks between the headboard and the wall!!! A friend of mine used to live in a prefab and when the neighbours were at it his wardrobe used to start trying to make its way across his bedroom!!!

Lweji - she hasn't responded particularly for many years, and never very much, no matter how I approached her or how nice I tried to make it. And never anything but passively.
She likes to make the meals and has made it very clear she doesn't want help or interference in the things she likes to do herself. But I help her in lots of other ways. She's just not into sex and never really has been. Full stop. I'm resigned to that long ago. But I can see that many women are completely different.

What was scary muddy?

My ExH had a very low sex drive and didn't fancy me after DCs

Lovely to read all the happy stories on here.

DontstepontheBaubles, I hope you don't mean Golferman because I think he's a bloody liar!!!

Neil are you saying you don't think he really likes golf!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gosh it is depressing to read some of the stories on here! I was really hoping it wouldn't be that uncommon

I should say that we do have reasonably regular sex, once a week or so. We both have what I would consider average sex drives, although mine is slightly higher. We (or I, I should say) had a fight to get our sex life back on track after ds was born, at one point we had pretty much gone a year with NOTHING.

Lweji yes that was my thread about dh and his weight. I suppose the thing for me is that I used to get butterflies in my tummy every time i saw dh, whereas I'm starting to think he's never felt like that about me. Having said that, I also wonder if it's just how he is. He's not very open about sex at all, finds it very hard to talk about, which he knows, but can't seem to do anything about.

i don't. i don't know why not. i am in good shape, take care of myself, but after we had children he just stopped being interested.

i feel repulsive, and sad, that i may never be touched again. it is years (yes, as in i can't remember the last time)since i kissed anyone, and 18 months since i last had sex.

i am 38 and really that this is my life

DuhDuhDuh, I'm saying the only wood that gets exercised every day is the one in his caddy bag with a furry cosy on the end. (make your own jokes up)

tory79, you're getting it more regularly than me. Or is it the fact that it's routine with no spontanaeity?

Oh gosh I didn't mean golferman

Although after my piss poor marriage if I settle down again, sexual compatibility will be very important to me. I have a lot of lost time to make up for, I need to be more evenly matched next time. I'm a physical person and I honestly felt unloved and unattractive in my marriage. It was soul destroying.

Chibi similar here.

wow once a week tory - isn't that normal post kids?. We've only had sex a few times in the last 3 to 4 years.

I'd love a close relationship.

Muddy I think my husband is similar and avoids all intimacy.

Sigh. Not sure I particularly fancy him much at v the moment. I mean not everyone will marry someone classically attractive, but b if c there's av spark you're at least attracted to something in the other.

Sigh. This scares me.

I love the fact that hubby and I are in lust with each other as much as we are in love. People in love have affairs because they aren't sexually compatible and want to explore their sexuality. We are lucky in that our explorations are together.

The fact that we can see sex as love making and raw animal passion makes it better than just lovemaking and way better than loveless sexual exploits.

Yes sorry, it's not that I have an issue with frequency (although I wouldn't object to a bit more!) it's just what's behind it....

Poorturkeys -

Turkeys, how did she respond to sex at other times? Groping while one is going about other business is not particularly sexy. And if by any chance you were not contributing while she was working. Why would she go from the shower to turn the cooker on?

Lweji - she hasn't responded particularly for many years, and never very much, no matter how I approached her or how nice I tried to make it. And never anything but passively. She likes to make the meals and has made it very clear she doesn't want help or interference in the things she likes to do herself. But I help her in lots of other ways. She's just not into sex and never really has been. Full stop. I'm resigned to that long ago. But I can see that many women are completely different.

No no no, you don't seem to understand. If your wife doesn't want sex, it MUST be your fault.

Completely different when it's the other way around, of course.

Fast, did I say at any point that it MUST be Turkey's fault?
I asked and put forward a different point of view, he explained, all fine.

I did find it odd that he kept putting the blame on her. It's only fair to probe it, as I do in most situations.

no

I'm really not blaming her. It's just the way she is. When we got married I thought I could change her. How wrong and stupid to think so. It always is! I thought I could make her less inhibited and start to really enjoy the pleasures of sex.
When that didn't work I didn't walk away, the years passed. So here we are, many years later! So if it's anyone's fault it's mine for not doing anything about it. But I'd already been through a divorce and found it an emotional nightmare so I didn't want to face that again. We're just incompatible sexually.
But it's amazing to read how sexually alive some women are. It does make you feel you've missed out big time.