He has cheated again. Please talk me into dumping his stuff outside.

[30SecondsToVenus]

Background: been with dp 3.5 years, have dd1 from previous relationship and dd2 (6mo) with dp. I have very low self esteem. I actually hate myself most days I've been to hell and back in my life and fully believe that I deserve all the bad stuff that happens to me. I've recognised this now and I am (or I thought I was) taking steps towards changing my thinking and getting confidence.

Dp has cheated about 8 times now. I always always take him back and blame myself for it happening. I should lose weight, stop nagging, stop asking him to contribute towards household etc etc. Please don't flame me for having a child with this man etc I am fully aware how stupid I have been. If you felt I do every day you might understand the reasons I had for holding on to him so long.

I had an feeling something was up. Sex has been awful recently he just isn't interested and can never finish if we get going. I put it down to my appearance but that's never really been an issue before when it comes to sex at least.

He was in the shower earlier so I grabbed his phone to find a whole load of messages on WhatsApp to and from several women. He is begging, and I mean begging, them to meet him. I have no idea who they are or where he has met them but he has met at least one of them, most recently last night when he told me he was at work. He has been taking my car to meet them and have sex with them in. I feel sick.

I feel so low, useless and heartbroken but to be honest I did expect it. I am strangely calm and managed to say absolutely nothing to him. I'm not talking to him anyway because he called me a fat cow at 3am when I got back into bed after feeding dd2. Apparently the whole bed moves when I get in and I woke him up.

He's away out now to the pub and I won't see him until tomorrow because it will be early hours before he gets back, if he gets back at all. He has taken the car keys so I can't go anywhere.

I know he will minimise and deny as always. I have the proof I need.

The house is solely in my name and he pays absolutely nothing at all towards rent, council tax or bills.

I want to pack all his stuff up and dump it in the garden but I have no idea what's stopping me. It's just baby Dd I have here tonight my older one is at her grans.

I'm crying and feel like a total fool. I need him gone for good. He is not helping me at all. I haven't got a single Christmas present yet for dds because I am totally skint. Had to pay car tax, insurance, new washing machine, rent, bills etc and it's left me with nothing. He has been out nearly every night this month and has wads of cash in his wallet and in his bank. He works full time and I am on maternity leave with very little tax credits. I have some money coming on Monday so I should be able to get dds some presents then.

He is the most selfish human being I have ever met. He doesn't care for any of us its just somewhere for him to live, yet I am still struggling to end it and throw him out for good. I wish I knew why. Maybe it's the hope that he will change and I'll have a happy relationship. I'm on my own nearly all the time anyway so it's not that.

Im so sorry that was so long

Oh darling.
If hes not around, you sound to me like you have so much going for you!

Who do you have in your life that you trust and loves you inside out? Friend/brother/aunty?

He isn't going to change and he is dragging you down.
Getting rid of him is the first step to feeling better about yourself.

I've never said LTB before but do LTB and have a Happy Christmas.

Sorry am on my phone and its a bastard for texting.

I think this man treats you so badly. Do you want to carry on?

Surely youd be happier away from such a destructive relationship?

Oh blimey - I'm so sorry.

One thing that leapt out at me was "I fully believe that I deserve all the bad stuff that happens to me." No, no you don't. You really don't. Some people make bad choices, some people are just plain unlucky - it doesn't mean they deserve the shit.

But I think that's the crux of the matter - that's what's stopping you just getting shot of this total wanker. Have you ever spoken to your GP about your self-esteem? Counselling would definitely help.

But that's for after Christmas - for now, dump him. Please. Get that stuff in the garden - and can you change the locks? Your life will be so much better - and without him bringing you down and making you feel shit about yourself, you might find your self-esteem improves all on its own. The money you'll get via the CSA will certainly make your life easier.

Leave this man. Best Christmas present you can give yourself and children.
You are 1000 times a person he can ever be. You can do this.

Oh love, that's hideous! He sounds like an utter cunt. I am so glad you are kicking this total loser to the kerb. Why doesn't he contribute anything to rent and bills?

Just on a practical note, have you any way of getting a spare set of keys to your car? I think if he gets home to his stuff on the doorstep in bin bags, he's unlikely to post the keys through the letterbox. Do you have a sizeable friend/relative who could muscle them off him persuade him to return them if required?

You see...everybody else words things so much better than me.
Having read your huge list about what you own/pay for/do....I think you are very capable and have ALOT going for....ALOT..

He sounds like a complete leech. You pay for everything and give him a warm family life he can hop in and out of as it suits him.

Time to put yourself first before your kids are old enough to think that this is what a relationship should look like.

Change the locks, dump the selfish twats belongings on the front garden, open a beer and put your feet up.

He can minimise and deny all he likes - you don't need evidence of anything to end a relationship, you just need to want to be free.

You have lots going for you OP, you manage a household with two DD's all by yourself, all while getting tons of shit thrown at you by this cocklodger. Think of how much easier things will be without having to put up with him.
He has the most to lose in this arrangement, and you can only gain. Perhaps your self esteem is being kept low by this supposed relationship.
Don't worry about Christmas, there will always be another Better happier Christmas waiting for you than this one.
You know what you have to do OP. sling him out, and concentrate on yourself and your girls.

There is not one single reason to keep this cruel, horrible man in your house.

He's just using you and he's not even bothering to pretend otherwise.

Put his stuff in the garden.

Then get in touch with the CSA and get some of those wads of cash for the daughter he created with you.

You know what you need to do. You will surprise yourself with how strong you can be. You will get lots of support here.

I'd have a short term plan and a medium term plan.

Short term (ie before Monday) I'd want him and his stuff out of the house. Is there somebody who can be there with you to get his stuff out and the house and car keys back to you?
Once he's out clean and make room for your shopping. Then, enjoy Christmas.

Medium term, (ie January) get to the doctors for a counselling referral and on to the CSA for your child's maintenance.

he called me a fat cow at 3am when I got back into bed after feeding dd2 .......

Venus - this is the name of a beautiful woman, and so you are, AND the mother of two beautiful children.

If he can say such awful things as that to the mother of his child...
If he can't be bothered to get up with you to help you with your child..
If he can't part with a single penny to help support you all....
YET CAN GO OUT DRINKING NIGHT AFTER NIGHT....

Then he is not a partner. He is a user. Totally and Utterly.

He is the most selfish human being I have ever met. He doesn't care for any of us its just somewhere for him to live

You know what you need to do. The hardest thing now is to do it. Keep yourself focused on everything you have said about him, and why you said it, whilst you claim your life back.

Hugs and for you

\0/

I have broken out the STAY STRONG pompoms to support you 30seconds
You can do this, just imagine yourself this time next year with no worrying about who he is sloping off with ad no cocklodger to support.
We are with you all the way

You sound so lonely despite being in a relationship. Why did he take your car keys? Is he controlling?

Have an early night if you can. You're probably exhausted with it all. I hope you'll have a better start to 2014.

You will feel such relief once you take the big step and end this. You will probably end up better off financially as you will probably be entitled to more tax credits and life will be so much easier for you and your children. It will be scary to take the step but life will get so much better than it is now for you.

short term plan

stuff on pavement - house locked

long term plan

tell him to fuck right off

8 times?!!!

for fucks sake get rid hes a fucking arsehole

I can only echo what others have said. You (and your babies) deserve better than this awful, callous, disrespectful treatment. He sounds horrible. Really, really nasty.

Lock him out. Get support in RL from friends / family. Keep posting here for support.

X

Hope you have some real life support OP.

Things will be so much better once you're free from his toxic presence. He isn't worthy of you.

OP - you say "please talk me into dumping his stuff outside" - Can you lock him out? If so, then take big bin bags and start putting his stuff into them.... Use your anger to get you going with this. Then take them outside and just text him that you have done it.

Or - if you're not able to lock him out, start talking to your best friend/closest family who will support you, and start making your plan for a more orderly exit for him.

You do not have to put up with this. You do not deserve this!! And your children do not deserve to see a man treat their mother this way.

The ball is in your court.....

crikey Op, your words are heartbreaking.

You do not deserve anything this man has chucked at you. Unfaithful 8 times? Get him out and do it now. If the car is in your name get the keys first. And sadly you will need to get yourself an Sti test too.

How can she risk just putting his stuff out if he house keys on him and the only car keys (along with her car)?

Imagine your daughter in years to come sitting down and describing her partner abusing her like this

What advice would you give her? To stay and accept it or to run like the wind?

Remember you are modelling what your kids will see is 'normal'

I'm so sorry, leave him and your life can only get better.

He hasn't taken the car keys or house keys. I have just found them in his work trousers when I was bagging up his stuff. Absolutely everything is going in black bags and it will be sitting waiting on him outside the house.

Seeing as I have my car, I'm going to stay at my mums for the week. I'm going their for Christmas anyway so I may as well go early. He won't have access to the house and where he goes is up to him.

I've taken him back time after time because he's always 'sorry' and he has nowhere to go. Well that's his problem this time I couldn't care less if he is in the garden shed for Christmas and new year. The door will be locked and his stuff, including telly and ps3 will be outside in the pissing rain waiting for him. Maybe that's a step too far but that's what I'm doing.

Reading back over my post, I can't believe what I have put up with. I'm going to start looking after myself and by this time next year hopefully I'll be a completely different person. One who is happy and looks good