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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has cheated again. Please talk me into dumping his stuff outside.

130 replies

30SecondsToVenus · 20/12/2013 17:08

Background: been with dp 3.5 years, have dd1 from previous relationship and dd2 (6mo) with dp. I have very low self esteem. I actually hate myself most days I've been to hell and back in my life and fully believe that I deserve all the bad stuff that happens to me. I've recognised this now and I am (or I thought I was) taking steps towards changing my thinking and getting confidence.

Dp has cheated about 8 times now. I always always take him back and blame myself for it happening. I should lose weight, stop nagging, stop asking him to contribute towards household etc etc. Please don't flame me for having a child with this man etc I am fully aware how stupid I have been. If you felt I do every day you might understand the reasons I had for holding on to him so long.

I had an feeling something was up. Sex has been awful recently he just isn't interested and can never finish if we get going. I put it down to my appearance but that's never really been an issue before when it comes to sex at least.

He was in the shower earlier so I grabbed his phone to find a whole load of messages on WhatsApp to and from several women. He is begging, and I mean begging, them to meet him. I have no idea who they are or where he has met them but he has met at least one of them, most recently last night when he told me he was at work. He has been taking my car to meet them and have sex with them in. I feel sick.

I feel so low, useless and heartbroken but to be honest I did expect it. I am strangely calm and managed to say absolutely nothing to him. I'm not talking to him anyway because he called me a fat cow at 3am when I got back into bed after feeding dd2. Apparently the whole bed moves when I get in and I woke him up. Blush

He's away out now to the pub and I won't see him until tomorrow because it will be early hours before he gets back, if he gets back at all. He has taken the car keys so I can't go anywhere.

I know he will minimise and deny as always. I have the proof I need.

The house is solely in my name and he pays absolutely nothing at all towards rent, council tax or bills.

I want to pack all his stuff up and dump it in the garden but I have no idea what's stopping me. It's just baby Dd I have here tonight my older one is at her grans.

I'm crying and feel like a total fool. I need him gone for good. He is not helping me at all. I haven't got a single Christmas present yet for dds because I am totally skint. Had to pay car tax, insurance, new washing machine, rent, bills etc and it's left me with nothing. He has been out nearly every night this month and has wads of cash in his wallet and in his bank. He works full time and I am on maternity leave with very little tax credits. I have some money coming on Monday so I should be able to get dds some presents then.

He is the most selfish human being I have ever met. He doesn't care for any of us its just somewhere for him to live, yet I am still struggling to end it and throw him out for good. I wish I knew why. Maybe it's the hope that he will change and I'll have a happy relationship. I'm on my own nearly all the time anyway so it's not that.

Sad
OP posts:
ladylashes · 20/12/2013 18:20

You have the strength to leave him - please believe in yourself. Don't underestimate yourself. You and your children deserve far far far more than him. Remember this x

lubeybooby · 20/12/2013 18:21

that's not a step too far.

look after yourself and don't ever look back... keep remembering this is HIS doing, his fault, his choice.

he is a waste of space and air, you are losing nothing but a horrid weight dragging you down and milking you dry, taking the utter piss.

skyeskyeskye · 20/12/2013 18:21

kick his sorry arse out and then tomorrow, get onto tax credits and make a new claim as a single person and you should get more money but do it as soon as you can as it could take a couple of weeks to come through. Then ring CSA and start a claim for maintenance. Ring the council on Monday and get the sole occupancy discount for that.

Can you get any emergency loans from anywhere to get some presents? I mean like DWP or social services not some payday loan, or a family member who could lend you some money short-term?

ladylashes · 20/12/2013 18:21

X post OP! Congratulations on taking action. You should be so proud of yourself. If you feel yourself waver just read your fantastic final paragraph in your latest post. Very true words x

sotiredfornow · 20/12/2013 18:26

Please please please leave this man. I often lurk in this forum, rarely post. Your story compelled me to post. You do not deserve this. Nobody does. Your life can and will be so much better without him.

Is there any way you can pay to get the locks changed or bolt the door from the inside so he can't gain access. You really should pack up all his stuff and leave it on the doorstep.

Clearly, he is only with you for the convenience of a free roof over his head. I think you know this. Now, this does NOT mean there is something wrong with you or that you're unlovable. Imagine a better life for you and DC. A life where you are loved and cherished. Give yourself the best Christmas present!

TheWanderingUterus · 20/12/2013 18:26

Dump him OP.

He thinks you are fat and need to lose weight.

By dumping his cocklodging cheating arse, you will lose about thirteen stone in one fell swoop,with very little effort. A most effective weight loss plan IMO.

I'll join in on the sidelines with the pom-poms.

antimatter · 20/12/2013 18:27

You're giving yourself the best Christmas ever!
Freedom!

MerryFuckingChristmas · 20/12/2013 18:31

You can do it, love. You can.

Never mind what went before. Regret will always make you think you have to try one more time in a attempt to make it right when it didn't work last time

Make this the very final time you accept such shoddy treatment.

(oh, and get that STI test booked, a man like this won't have been taking care of his own sexual health, never mind yours)

Go no contact for as long as you can. Because I fear you will be vulnerable to some xmas-related crocodile tears. Never mind them, your elder dd doesn't need this sort of example either from him or from you, and your baby is too young to know the difference

Make it stop now.

sotiredfornow · 20/12/2013 18:31

Sorry x-post just read your response.
Cheering you on!! What a woman! Go you! I think going to your mums now is a great plan and perfect that he has no access to the house. I wish I could see his reaction when he finds out.

lottieandmia · 20/12/2013 18:31

Not only is he a cheating bastard, he's also a leech with no intention of making any contribution in your household and has zero respect for you. It sounds like his cruel words have seeped into your reality also Sad

Get him out of your life - he is no good. You will be so much happier when he's gone.

SecretRed · 20/12/2013 18:36

Good luck to you Venus. I think that you are doing the best thing for you and your daughters. NOBODY deserves to be treated like he is treating you.

FalalalalalalaFiggy · 20/12/2013 18:39

Pack up the kids, head off for Xmas and honestly don't think twice.

Finola1step · 20/12/2013 18:43

Well done you. No, not a step too far at all. You have just given yourself and your dc the best Christmas present. A present that money can not buy - peace of mind.

But I will challenge you on something in your last post Venus. In a year's time, IMO you do not need to be a different person. You are already well on your way to being the strong, self sufficient woman that you need to be for your dc. Yes, some counselling would do you the world of good. But there's nowt wrong with the person you are. Build on that.

ShimmeringInTheSun · 20/12/2013 19:36

Am waving my pompoms for you too OP!

\O/ \O/ \O/ \O/ \O/ \O/ \O/

frustratedashell · 20/12/2013 19:47

Well done OP. You are amazing! Merry Christmas and a much happier new year!

doasyouwouldbedoneby · 20/12/2013 19:59

Bloody hell 30secondstoVenus---> you rock !!

Much respect to you for taking action. 2014 will be a much better year for you without that deadweight round your neck

Shlurpbop · 20/12/2013 20:07

Yeay! Go Venus!
Wishing you all the luck for a better 2014! Xx

Original poster
30SecondsToVenus · 20/12/2013 20:08

Thanks everyone I'm at my mums now she's really pleased to see me and happy to hear I've got rid of him. My family can't stand him.

All his stuff is outside and there is no way he can get in the house unless he breaks in and if he does he will be in for a shock.

I feel a bit more relaxed now but I haven't contacted him to tell him what I've done. That's for him to figure out at 4am when he strolls home. He probably won't even know what he's done wrong.

I'm so looking forward to the next few months even though they will be really difficult. I've got a lot to sort out in my head and I'm going to see my gp in the new year. I really want to start counselling so the sooner I'm on the NHS list the better. It's very long and I'm not in a position to pay for private counselling sessions unfortunately

Can anyone tell me what happens at counselling? I have so much I need to talk about I wouldn't know where to start

OP posts:
doasyouwouldbedoneby · 20/12/2013 20:15

Can l suggest you turn your phone off tonight. You really don't want your first night of freedom spoiled by constant overnight phonecalls and texts do you Grin
Any chance he might turn up at your DM's overnight?

omuwalamulungi · 20/12/2013 20:17

Good for you, you absolutely wonderful woman.

Counselling is different for everyone and depends what you need from it, in my experience you fill in a short questionnaire which helps the counsellor figure out their approach then go from there. Mine told me to just start talking and see where it went. I cried a lot in my first session but less and less as it went on. It was massively helpful.

Happy Christmas to you Flowers

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 20/12/2013 20:23

Well done 30Seconds you have done the right thing! Stay strong and don't let the arsehole convince you to take him back.

NorksAreMessy · 20/12/2013 20:28

\0/

Vivacia · 20/12/2013 20:29

Can anyone tell me what happens at counselling? I have so much I need to talk about I wouldn't know where to start

You say, "I have so much I need to talk about I don't know where to start".

You know his belongings, are they somewhere out of sight?

flatbellyfella · 20/12/2013 20:40

Well done 30seconds Thanks stay strong & keep posting for support from your MN friends. I hope you have a peaceful Christmas & new year with your mother.

MairzyDoats · 20/12/2013 20:45

I'm normally a lurker rather than a poster (just because so many people have so many wise words I feel mine are usually rather redundant) but I just wanted to say - go you! I think you're amazing, well done for taking stance. And good luck in the new year, if the past 3 hours are anything to go by you're going to be incredible!

(PS - do not, under any circumstances, take him back.)