Feeling so lonely and dreading Christmas. Any kind words?

[Santaclaws]

I started a previous thread on here about the end of my relationship with man I met online. It's a week gone by now and I'm feeling really lonely for some reason. I have got this evening tomorrow evening and Saturday evening with nowhere to go and no one to see. All my friends ( I don't have loads) are all married and busy with their families. I'm seeing my daughter during the day tomorrow but she has her own family and life to lead. It's just awful especially at this time of year. Tbh I don't think I've ever felt so low

I really wish I hadn't questioned him then the relationship might not have ended. My ex who I had a four year relationship with had sent me the odd email over the last few months which I ignored as that ended badly due to him being EA and our arguing. Now due to loneliness I have been back I touch with him ( probably the wrong thing to do) but it felt good to be wanted rather than rejected and it might sound odd but I know him so well and he is familiar, so in a way I feel safe. With the online man I was second guessing him all the time and felt insecure

I'm really dreading Xmas and new year I'm going to my daughter Xmas day but that's it the rest of it I am alone, I don't think I've ever had a year like this, I just want to curl up in a ball and hide and I keep crying. How can I improve my life? I can't see a way out really

Hi santaclaws. There are lots of people on here to hold your hand and chat to. Try and enjoy the time on your own, a bubble bath, a glass of wine, something to watch on the tv. where in the country do you live? X

Big

So sorry.

I think Xmas is a tough time for anyone on their own, if they'd rather not be.

Trying to be practical- can you give yourself some tlc?
Maybe reading a good book, watching something - film maybe?- planning something for the new year - no idea of your circs - but could you have a holiday either on your own or with a friend?

I think you have to just accept that these feelings will pass but you can in the meantime chase them away a bit by doing something to keep your mind occupied a little.

It might be too late for this year now, but have you ever thought about volunteering over Xmas? There is often a huge demand in big cities if there is one near you- like Crisis at Christmas for example?

Do you belong to any clubs or groups? Might the new year be a time to join something and try to grow your social circle away from online dating?

Sorry- all these are all the classic suggestions but only you can make your life better- it will take effort and courage but you can do it.

Thank you plumpy I don't seem to be able to stop crying tonight. I took a brave decision 5 years ago and left my 20 year marriage because we were more like friends than husband and wife and I didn't want to continue like that. We are on speaking terms and he has now moved his partner of 2 years in so I'm happy for him. It just doesn't seem to go right for me, I know I shouldn't NEED a man but I would like one at some point and don't want to be alone forever.

I need other things in my life but due to that 4 year EA relationship I haven't forged any sort of social life. I live in a very small town in Buckinghamshire and there's literally nothing going on. Add to that I have some health issues which make me very fatigued so its all I can do to go to work. I joined a dating site to see if I could meet someone to at least have an evening out with. The minute I met this man it seemed very intense, instant connection and was full on for a few weeks then he cooled off and when I became a bit insecure and asked what had changed he left and it ended. It's just the worst time of year really. I don't know how to get past this. I'm not on the dating site now I need a break but would like some social outlet

what about any of the things I suggested?

if you are going to have anything in your life you need to make the effort.

volunteering really can be good. Its not like having a family of your own at xmas but it gives you a focus and sometimes you can enjoy it a lot more than you expect.

Volunteering

Things you find enjoyable that you may have put on the back burner to focus on relationships

Text round everyone asking what day they'd like to meet up over the holiday

A friends site, so not dating but meeting like minded people

I have to work most of Christmas I don't know if that's a blessing or not. If I wasn't working I could go to my sisters with my mum, she lives about 4 hours away. As it stands its the thought of working all day Xmas eve then coming home and spending the evening alone, waking up Xmas day alone. I will go my daughters for lunch then I have to spend Xmas night alone as am working Boxing Day. So no time for volunteering and actually would have quite liked that. New year am working till 9pm then will be on ,y own again

I do want to make an effort but its difficult with shifts and there really is nothing very local. I think I will just have to get through as best I can and make a concerted effort in the new year

It's the coming home and spending late afternoons and evenings alone that I feel it. And the fact I have to work prevents me doing anything else

Everyone works. You are making excuses.
No one can change your life for you.

I'm sorry- I do feel for you but you have a family to go to on the day and many people don't and will spend the day alone- all day.

Why not make your mind up to do something nice like reading a good book, or pampering yourself?

Feeling sorry for yourself isn't the answer.

Hmm, are you friends with any neighbours?
I think that lots of people in your situation will also be looking for online companionship at this time of year and very happy to chat with you. Are you south bucks? I have just moved from there

Santaclaws I don't know if it will help but I am in a similar position. I believe there are many people who can relate but they probably aren't on MN.

Firstly you were right to ask why online man cooled off. You are entitled to know, his attitude would affect your life. Please don't beat yourself up about that.

Next, you are seeing your daughter tomorrow and that is a plus. You are going to your daughter on Christmas day, that is a lovely thing to be able to say, and it sounds like you have grandchildren too? That is precious. Just make the most of every minute you are with them.

Some people don't even have any family members at all, and have not been invited anywhere, so already you will be ok on Christmas day.

My sons also have their own families and busy lives [so grandchildren here too]. I saw eldest son last night and will not see him until Christmas day now....but it is lovely I'm invited and will enjoy every minute I'm there.

In the meantime I shall be very busy as I'm also getting over a deep betrayal and a friendship of 13 years in the bin. [Not a relationship but it hurts]. I have a plan for every day, maybe you could do the same?

I have something to do each day and evening until Christmas day: last minute presents, food shopping, wrapping presents, taking grandson to the cinema, watching a film at home, visiting a friend, treating myself to a coffee and cake somewhere then a walk to walk it off! I am meeting a friend on Christmas eve for a cuppa and a chat, going to a Christmassy church service on Sunday, having a takeaway curry one evening, baking shortbread for youngest son, taking DIL's birthday present round.....just keeping very busy, to distract myself. I just have so much to do, and I don't want too much opportunity to think about how badly I've been treated lately. The person does not deserve my energy and certainly won't be thinking of how I'm doing.

Can you also plan a holiday for next year? Treat yourself to a new book, a new dvd, plan a spa day, a day out, invite friends round one evening, bake a cake, try a new recipe, browse the sales etc. etc. Think of a new hobby for the new year.....Basically fill your mind with things that nourish and interest you, so your mind isn't full of online man. Your energy can go towards doing lovely things for yourself and pampering yourself in the Christmas break.

So make plans to fill your days, also plan to just relax and have a tipple/chocs and watch tv/film in front of a cosy fire.....you will be fine.

I am not making excuses I'm just feeling very low this evening and don't want to bother anyone in RL so I thought I'd get it off my chest on here. I feel tired of being alone in my house, there is only so much you can do, I can't go to friends as they are with their families

I'm not trying to make out I'm worse off than everyone, obviously there are some people worse off. I haven't been used to this so am really feeling it . Since last Xmas my long term relationship ended in August then I thought I'd found a nice man online but I'm feeling rejected from that since last week. And yes my job is preventing me from volunteering and its not nice coming home to an empty house any time of year let alone Xmas. If I'm feeling sorry for myself then I think I'm allowed a bit of that

Warm hand here to hold. Feel for you and hope for better things to come your way in 2014. Varya XXX

Hi plumpy my neighbours are elderly couples so not friends as such. Online chats is a good idea :) I'm in north bucks

Don't get back with someone who is EA Santa just because you feel a little lonely

Enjoy XMas day with your lovely dd and her family and on other days enjoy your own company!

cafe hi thanks for you post. My daughter is having her first baby in a few weeks god forgive but I'm so low I'm not as excited as I should be but I'm sure when I see the baby all will change. I'm going to try to focus on that now I think. I'm going to take some of your ideas on board. All the very best to you. X

varya thanks for your kind wishes

Being on your own, coming home to an empty house, does take some getting used to I know. In time lots of people get used to it so much they [myself included] actually enjoy it. It is peaceful, liberating to be able to do exactly what you want with whom, when, where and for how long.
It can take a while to appreciate the independence though, but it does come in time. Doesn't help you tonight though, sorry you are so low but the future is out there and will surprise you. I hope your new year is happier.

You go ahead and feel sorry for yourself if you want. Yes there are others worse off but you are still allowed to feel this way.
What about pets....do you have any? A new kitten who really needs you would help give you a focus and something to come home to.

Wow, your dd is having her first child in a few weeks
How exciting!
Absolutely, focus on that x

Funnily enough when the EA relationship ended I quite enjoyed my space and seemed to liking my own company. I joined the dating site on a whim and out of curiosity not expecting to click with anyone. We got along easily and had a connection from the start. I wish I'd never done it now because chances are I would be fine.

yes it's great isnt it, my first grandchild

milly don't want to seem like I'm moaning on and on but my lovely cat was killed about a month ago too I'd had her 12 years so I've had an awful lot happen

Wow, I'm so looking forward to mine, but dd is 14 and ds is 12 so I''ve longer to wait than you

Santaclaws I was where you are now 14 years ago. I could not see how my sons new baby could help me and my life.

Well, how wrong was I! The beautiful baby boy who arrived was the best thing that could have happened. He is now 14 and has brought me such happiness and laughter over the years, sleepovers, cinema, birthday parties, christmases....he has hugged me and kissed me and told me he loves his nanny to the moon and stars and back [not so much lately, he just grunts! ]

He healed me, made my life so rich...then the next grandson made it even better, then another grandson earlier this year...I feel so blessed.

I wish all this for you, and I'm sure you will be over the moon when the baby arrives and he/she will help you to be happier and feel wanted and fulfilled. It's going to be a good New Year for you!

I'm sorry you lost your cat recently
If you're a cat person and feel ready perhaps you could get a little kitten (for XMas)?
(maybe from a rescue place)