Housetraining... evolution of a husband...

[LemonDrizzleCake11]

Just thought I'd post a random musing I had regarding my husband's slow improvement in helping with housework to see if anyone is able to offer further hope for the future.

I was just thinking about laundry shows how riveting my life is

So in the first year of our marriage, when I asked Mr LemonDrizzleCake to help more with the laundry, he started putting the majority rather than the minority of his washing into the washing basket, as opposed to leaving it on the floor.

In the second year of marriage, the same request resulted in him starting to put loads of washing into the machine and starting a cycle. But not actually taking it out.

In the third year, a repeated plea for more help with the laundry yielded him discovering the ability to hang washing out on the airer after putting it through the machine.

In our fourth year of marriage, yet another discussion regarding laundry led to him discovering the ability to wash clothes, hang them on airer AND throw fold them into the washing basket again when dry.

Now into our fifth year of marriage my weekly laundry nag our periodic gentle discussion about laundry has helped him progress to putting clothes in the machine, taking them out and hanging them up, putting them in the basket once dry AND carrying the basket back upstairs.

With this stonking rate of evolution, I'm hopeful that in our sixth year of marriage he may manage to start putting the washing away afterwards.

Then maybe I could start working on other housetraining, such as how the bathroom does not self-clean, the hoover is not actually an independent being and important bits of paper sadly cannot self-file.

I'd love to hear others evolution stories!

Yes, yes and yes. And finally, yes he did become lazy. He knew what he was doing by taking a step back. I was agreeing with Basil's earlier point that a man's subconscious expectations of wife & mother = skivvy can happen even when previously he was more than capable.

Nini, he sounds almost predatory, you were perhaps a person in chaos and therefore the perfect victim?

(I might add that I'm having a bit of a lightbulb moment here m'self! )

I just dont beleive you had no idea that dishes needed washed after eating from them or how to get your clothes clean or feed yourself. That is bollocks. You were doing this stuff for yourself before you met him.

Nini- did you know quite how clueless you were before he told you?

Its not bollocks at all. I didnt do dishes - didnt do them at home and was fed in a canteen while in uni halls. Mum did all my washing and cooking pre-uni. This is why teens need household skills before they leave home .

You've got the measure of him suzanne. And I was aware I was a bit useless before him, curlew, but he did 'spell it out' to me. I said there were other issues in our relationship and this is by no means normal. But I expect its more common a scenario than people think.

So who did all your washing and cooking whilst at UNI? And again, did you not understand what the nutritionist was going through with you? If so why didnt you ask for clarification?

I think you just werent interested in doing these things, which is fine of course but at least be honest about it. No NT adult or older teen is that clueless, especially after living out of home for some time. You cant seriously be telling me you didnt know that dishes needed washed?

I mean, even if you had never seen a dish being washe before (which is bollocks) surely the first day living with your dh you would have noticed him standing at that silver hole in the worktop cleaning up round things that you know you ate off ten minutes before, didnt you think to aks what he was doing and when he explained say "oh, looks pretty easy- i will do that aswell now"

This gave me a much chuckle! Thank you OP:)

For crying out loud silly I was a student when we met and not long out of the family home. If it suits your argument believe whatever you want. I was that clueless and he was that manipulative.

I don't understand why Nini is being cross examined about the veracity of her situation

Because im trying to get to the truth of this whole idea that people are 'clueless' about cleaning/cooking etc.

Nini you didnt know how to wash a dish or awing a mop aroud? Do you seriously expect anyone to buy that? You didnt want to. To say you didnt know how was bollocks. You see someone mopping once and you know how to mop. It would have taken you all of a day to learn how to wah dishes, hoover, do laundry etc if you had actually wanted to know.

And alarm bells always ring for me when people, particularly women, only realize how bad they are at something when a man tells them............

I dont care if you believe it or not silly, try and shout it down as much as you like. If cooking and cleaning is a simple as you that doesnt explain the countless tv progs/books/threads in this site etc about doing it. You may think its simple but that doesnt mean everyone does. If my telling you isnt going to convince you then I dont see what will and I dont need to waste my time arguing with someone who doesnt know me or my situation.

But whatever, believe what you want if that makes you feel vindicated in your opinion.

Look you can try and convince yourself you were clueless if thats what you need to believe but you know its rubbish. Maybe other posters are correct and your dh has played an absoloute blinder in convincing you you were clueless. But i dont think you even believe that yourself. Nobody could get to adulthood, never mind one who is seeing a nutritionist! (Whose money was that down the drain?) and not know that dishes need washed after use, and you swing a mop from lft to right to clean the floor. Like i said, one day would have had you knowing all this stuff if you had wanted to know. Unless you walked around your house with your eyes closed and didnt ever see your dh doing any cleaning or washing.

I was a total slob for years, my house was a tip.

But it wasn't because I didn't know how to clean it up, it was because I a) didn't want to and b) psychologically felt helpless about it.

It wasn't that I didn't know plates needed to be cleaned and how to clean them. It was that I didn't know where to start. I felt out of control of my environment.

Is that what's being discussed here, or is that just me projecting my experience?

silly, you are being silly. Of course people can grow up clueless about these things.
And add to that that they can be brilliant in some areas of their lives and not others.

But yes people, unless they have severe additional needs, can be taught these things.

To someone upthread. Write a how to use the washing machine list.
Including the non mixing of whites and coloured bits.
When mine left home, I gave the, all a list.
Including going throught their entire clothes that they were taking with them, and showing them roughly enough which washing cycles to use.
They had the odd mistake, but nothing major after that.

How can you lose the knowledge of how to wash dishes, mop floor, put your clothes in the machine? I have seen it happen with a family member who suffered a stroke but aside from brain injuries i cant see how it is possible to forget how to do these things?

"It wasn't that I didn't know plates needed to be cleaned and how to clean them. It was that I didn't know where to start. I felt out of control of my environment.

Is that what's being discussed here, or is that just me projecting my experience?"

Yes, that is one of the two things being discussed here. The other is men taking the piss and women colluding and enabling. Same as it ever was.

Basil when i became depressed my house took a madsive hit and it got to a stage many times where i felt completely overwhelmed and even doing the dishes seemed like too much because i knew how much more had to be done. Like you a felt not in control of it an felt helpless to change it- so i can completely understand what you mean when you say that. However that is different to hat some posters are saying was/is the case with them or their partners simply not knowing how to clean up.

OP, has it crossed your mind that he is simply taking advantage of you? Sounds to me as if you're stuck in an unhealthy dynamic where a lot if your energy goes into training someone who has no intention to do what you want because he's perfectly happy with the status quo, thank you very much.

just think of what you could spend that time and energy on instead!

I for one cannot respect adults who won't clean up after themselves. So unless he is depressed I'd say he is taking you for a ride.