Housetraining... evolution of a husband...

[LemonDrizzleCake11]

Just thought I'd post a random musing I had regarding my husband's slow improvement in helping with housework to see if anyone is able to offer further hope for the future.

I was just thinking about laundry shows how riveting my life is

So in the first year of our marriage, when I asked Mr LemonDrizzleCake to help more with the laundry, he started putting the majority rather than the minority of his washing into the washing basket, as opposed to leaving it on the floor.

In the second year of marriage, the same request resulted in him starting to put loads of washing into the machine and starting a cycle. But not actually taking it out.

In the third year, a repeated plea for more help with the laundry yielded him discovering the ability to hang washing out on the airer after putting it through the machine.

In our fourth year of marriage, yet another discussion regarding laundry led to him discovering the ability to wash clothes, hang them on airer AND throw fold them into the washing basket again when dry.

Now into our fifth year of marriage my weekly laundry nag our periodic gentle discussion about laundry has helped him progress to putting clothes in the machine, taking them out and hanging them up, putting them in the basket once dry AND carrying the basket back upstairs.

With this stonking rate of evolution, I'm hopeful that in our sixth year of marriage he may manage to start putting the washing away afterwards.

Then maybe I could start working on other housetraining, such as how the bathroom does not self-clean, the hoover is not actually an independent being and important bits of paper sadly cannot self-file.

I'd love to hear others evolution stories!

I think its a case of looking at the bigger picture in the relationship and whether things are fair overall. There are some jobs I prefer doing or just tend to 'get on with' and likewise with him. It's ridiculous to think that each partner should do 50% of each task that needs doing.
My partner only does laundry once in a blue moon, I do the vast majority but likewise he puts the bins out 90% of the time. I only do that if he's not here. He tidies up, sorts dishwasher etc and hoovers maybe once a week and that's about it, I do nearly all the cooking, shopping and pretty much everything else. I should add that he works about 60 hours a week to my 20 and it is me who overall has a bit more leisure time than him to be fair. So it's not as simple as some posters have made out, oh he must be a fool and/or disrespectful if he's not getting stuck in to the laundry!! I think it's about an overall view of who does what and is leisure time is close to equal then that's a good indicator if things are equitable.

*if

You're a mug OP.

it's quite startling isn't it? How sooo many women marry, or get into rels. with someone else who doesn't share their values, which should be abundantly clear from the off, and then reserve the right to complain afterwards about it. Poor, and knowing, choices being made here.

The respect thing directly linked to housework? You'd seem then to have a very fragile sense of respect then, imho.

I agree pan. How can you get to the point of marrying a person without knowing that they do not wash their own clothes? Fine if that's not important to you and you are either happy to wash their clothes or happy to live with a permanently smelly or naked person but it clearly was an issue for the OP otherwise why spend 5 years 'training' that person to do it? Madness. Why not settle all that before marriage and if you cant agree on who does washing DONT LIVE TOGETHER!

I don't think you have to have a fragile sense of respect to think that it is massively disrespectful to expect somebody else to do all your shitwork for you.

So much of women's time, energy and creativity is being wasted doing boring, pointless, menial domestic work that they would not have to do if they were married to an decent man who pulled his weight.

It's fucking scandalous the wasted potential that goes into servicing these useless, lazy, selfish twats.

ANYONE who is an adult and who can't look after themselves ought to be ashamed. It's fucking pathetic.

And yes, men who are unable to look after themselves do seem to look for a woman to look after them rather than a life partner.

That's why when the first one dies they go out and get a replacement model ASAP.

The really tragic thing is that anyone thinks it's the men being trained in these scenarios.

HINT: the one who gets away with doing fuck all while you do everything is training YOU

I'd disagree Join - I don't think it's a respect issue often - it's a non-thinking issue, and not personal to the partner. And a mis-balanced view between people about what's important and what isn't. But as I said, why get into that circs in the first place, IF this issue is so important?

Pan have you just, in a round-a-bout way said, "men just dont think"?

It is bollocks tbh- if all these non clothes washing men lived alone they'd be thinking about washing by the end of week 1. 5 years of being asked to 'help more' with the laundry isnt 'unthinking' it's 100% " i'll do as little as i can get away with til she mentions it again."

Non-thinking is just code for disrespect from the perspective of the disrespecter.

"It's not that I don't respect you, it's just that I can't even be arsed to think about you as a person who is as important as I."

As for how women end up in these situations and fucking up the gene pool by breeding with these defective pricks?

Because they are trained from birth to know that they are less important than boys, that they will be praised for being quiet and not complaining and not making fuss, that boys are noisy and mess and that's OK FOR BOYS but not for girls.

And then they are taught that relationships are the most important thing they'll ever do and that keeping a man happy is life's biggest achievement and that relationships are WORK and that they should always COMPROMISE to keep them going and never wonder whether they are actually happy about the way they are treated.

And then they move in together and they're used to looking after themselves and continue to do that and don't quite notice at first that they are the only one doing it. And then a baby comes along and maternity leave turns into Housewife Leave and because they are "at home" it is just expected that of course their job now is to do every fucking thing in the house so Lord Muck can swan in from work and be waited on hand and foot. And then a pattern is established that everything is HER JOB. And then after a while she goes back to work and realises how totally fucking unfair it is that she does everything and that's when the training starts.

No, I didn't....generally..
For a few years I lived with the messiest person you could imagine. The floor was the wardrobe, I'd never ever let them near the non-stick kitchen stuff, had no little idea about laundry other than 'switch on and wait then drape it over a line (no pegs)', couldn;t be trusted with an iron, at all.
But she had massive redeeming features. She was just a non-thinker re household stuff. Other things occupied her head. I never saw any of it as 'disrespect' - she;d be shocked cold if I put it that way.

How interesting. My DH could write something along those lines about me.

I am hopeless at cleaning and yet I am female.

Unfortunately as joinyourolayfellows points out my housewife leave means I am learning now.

It sounds incredibly disrespectful to me to treat shared living space in that way.

And as for "head filled with other things"?

Yeah, that's my favourite ruse for getting out of housework too.

I can't believe anyone falls for it, it's an obvious load of old cobblers.

"Look at me, I'm so much BETTER than you, so much more IMPORTANT, so much more CLEVER. I just can't lower myself to the hum drum world of giving a shit about whether things are clean. It's just BENEATH me."

And no, she wouldn't be "shocked cold", although of course she'd pretend to be.

That's how we get away with it.

Ock come on pan! Draping stuff over a line without pegs and using the floor as a wardrobe isnt unthinking or not knowing. It's laziness. Which is fine if you are happy to live with that. I'm lazy and i know it but i dont expect anyone else to pick up my slack.

There are basic things that all adults need to do to keep themselves alive and healthy. They need to cook, keep their environment at a healthy level of cleanliness, wash themselves and their clothing and earn a living. All adults need to do these things and if they create children then they need to do all this for their dcs too. They should expect to do all these things as a minimum as if there were nobody else to do it for them. I they do have a partner and they come to a happy arrangement where one does more of one thing in return for less of another then that's a bonus but all adults should expect to do all those things for themselves as a minimum.

No that is incredibly unfair, if you're referring to what I said re ex- join. You seem to hold a very much harsher, pre-determined view than I did, and do.
I don't ignore the 'get away with what I can' that lots of people adopt but for many many others it's a confusing and conflicting standard that has nothing to do with 'non-respect'.

"for many many others it's a confusing and conflicting standard"

What is a confusing and conflicting standard?

Being able to function as an independent adult in the world?

It's really not confusing at all.

It's just BORING and not something some people (including me) want to spend any time thinking about.

But there's nothing hard to grasp if you are willing to lower yourself to considering it.

haven't read the thread but if a man started a thread about women with those words there would be a howwwwlllll of feminine outrage!! (or has someone already said that?)

um...people have differing views about what's okay and what isn't, and that really isn't anything as dramatic as 'functioning as an adult in the world' which you wish to elevate this to. If that is your bar then much of life's intricacies must be boring to you, as you've set your standard and, it seems, one size (yours) must fit all.

I think people simply have different views of what it means to "do the washing".

For me, that is (1) get the clothes from the basket, load them into the machine, put in the powder/fabric conditioner; (2) once finished, empty the machine hang out/up the damp laundry; (3) when dry, fold and put away or iron that which needs it.

For ds1, it means the first stage only.

He's only almost 10 though, and a work in progress

Year 6 - buy H his very own laundry basket for Christmas and leave him to it.

You really shouldn't have to plead for a grown up to have clean clothes and home.

God these threads are so depressing.

I can't believe anyone spends six years teaching someone to do laundry. What's worse people are even congratulation the op on a job well done.

Wow, never realised what I meant as a light-hearted thread would inspire such spirited responses, and definitely never meant it to be depressing.

Must be more careful when posting in the future!