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Original poster

Webcam affairs

58 replies

FlossieG47 · 18/12/2013 17:31

I have no idea what to do. I have just found out that my husband of over 20 years has been using the services of webcam girls. His total spend on this habit over a period of about 7 months has been almost £3000 . He seemed to form a particular attachment to one girl in particular, and that's how I found out- she sent him a personal e mail. Turns out that he has also sent money to her directly as a birthday present. He claims to have not watched this girl (20 years old by the way) naked for months- he says they just exchange small talk now albeit in broken English . He also felt compelled to contact this girl to let her know that he would not be chatting with her again as his wife had become aware of the situation. Apparently she wished him luck with his family! He is fully aware of the impact this has had on me. My heart is completely broken and right now I don't know how we can ever be happy again. I can't talk to anyone about it as I feel it's so personal. Is anyone else dealing with this?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 18/12/2013 17:39

What a terrible shock. When did you find out? What's he said?

Unfortunately there are many threads where somebody has just found out their partner has cheated on them and/or paid for sexual services. The standard advice is to realise that you're in shock and to be gentle with yourself. If applicable, ask the cheating partner to leave the family home. This is recommended because it gives you time and space to think and for them to realise what they've jeopardised or already lost. You need support, so keep talking on here for as long as it's helpful. Do you have someone you can trust in real life? Remember the shame is his shame.

Vivacia · 18/12/2013 17:40

Oh, and I'm sorry, but be prepared to find out more secrets and betrayals.

Joysmum · 18/12/2013 17:45

I haven't, but just wanted to post in support of you and don't let him down play this. Anything a partner does that they keep secret because they know their partner wouldn't agree is a betrayal, whatever excuses they may make.

Original poster
FlossieG47 · 18/12/2013 17:55

Thank you. He is devastated.v v upset that he has caused me such pain. I can't eat. I work hard in a professional job so work helps me to put on a face so to speak. He is saying that he will do anything to keep us together but the betrayal feels so raw I don't know where to start. My rage has dissipated . I'm just unbearably sad and feel I don't know the person I'm with. We have 2 teenagers one an 18 year old girl- this makes it even worse. I know you are right- it is his shame not mine but I can't bring myself to confide in anyone about the exact nature of his betrayal. A friend is aware that I have found an incriminating e mail but that's all.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlossieG47 · 18/12/2013 17:57

I am also interested in the male perspective on this

OP posts:
Phalenopsis · 18/12/2013 17:58

He is devastated.v v upset that he has caused me such pain

No OP he is devastated that he got caught. He has said so himself: he would not be chatting with her again as his wife had become aware of the situation

You really need to be thinking of yourself here.

Lweji · 18/12/2013 18:04

It sounds to me like the type of email someone would send to explain why he won't be in regular contact, or for her not to send any more emails to the same address.
But leaves open the possibility of reopening contact. Hmm

He's worried you found out. I bet he's not really concerned about your feelings. Just about what you will do.

Vivacia · 18/12/2013 18:05

He is devastated.v v upset that he has caused me such pain

No, he's devastated that you caught him.

He is saying that he will do anything to keep us together but the betrayal feels so raw I don't know where to start. He needs to move out and give you time to get past the rawness. If you want to work it through then he needs to tell you everything and give you access to his phone, computers, emails, bank statements etc. Full transparency.

But I don't think you're at this stage yet.

str8tothepoint · 18/12/2013 18:07

Get rid of sorry, men that does this are vile and don't like it when they get caught so do anything to get back but they are just horrible people. He knew the consequences so now tough love and zero tolerance is required. £3000 is a lot of money he could have spent on you and the children but decided to do this.

MissScatterbrain · 18/12/2013 18:10

So sorry Sad

How did you find out?

Cheaters nearly always minimise so please do not take his word for it that he hasn't seen her naked Hmm £3K is a lot for webcam services and I am afraid there is much more to this.

The fact that he is paying for sexual kicks outside the marriage with a girl the same age as his daughter must make you feel really ill. Men who think women's bodies are to be bought have skewed views of women and sex.

It wouldn't surprise me if he has a porn habit as well - this would need addressing.

You really must confide in someone in RL - you will feel much better for it.

Original poster
FlossieG47 · 18/12/2013 18:19

He has offered to attend counselling. I have demanded to see all credit card statements- we added up the total spent together. Although I am considered attractive I am aware of my age and indeed would not want to be 20 again! I can't imagine ever being intimate with him again- my self esteem is on the floor. This stuff is so easily available. It happens in our own home. I did ask him a few months back what he was doing on the computer all the time and he reassured me then that it was all boring stuff- completely innocent! when I eventually found out and reminded him of how plausible he was then, he said that he assumed I was talking about him having an affair and he didn't consider this.He says he now accepts that I consider this an emotional affair .

OP posts:
Lweji · 18/12/2013 18:24

How is watching naked women through a webcam boring and completely innocent? And how is spending £3000 on it, plus gifts? Even if you are very well off, it's still quite a lot of money to be spending on this. And it's not a one off.
Surely he's not that naive?

I really wouldn't consider it an emotional affair. An emotional affair would be no sexual involvement at all. Webcam sex is not emotional.

Original poster
FlossieG47 · 18/12/2013 18:33

I am now in a state of just wanting the man I married back. I hate the thought of divorce. due to some difficult times over the last few years, our marriage has been far from perfect but I hoped things would smooth out eventually. I have never sought consolation outside my marriage. He admits to a long standing porn habit and became tempted by more 8 months ago when he felt I was no longer interested in him sexually.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlossieG47 · 18/12/2013 18:36

Sorry. I meant to say that we have a good professional dual income. However this is down to hard work and I don't consider us wealthy by any means. I am quite careful about spending money. I now wish I had spent a shit load so he would not have been able to afford this crap.

OP posts:
MissScatterbrain · 18/12/2013 18:50

Do not let him blame you for his porn and webcam habits - if he felt you had lost interest in him sexually, what did he do to help you regain your sex drive (eg talking, spending time with you, helping more around the house, date nights etc)?

If he is serious about repairing things, the porn habit has to stop completely as there is evidence of a link between porn and infidelity.

I agree that this is not an emotional affair - it is sexual and with a young girl just out of her teens at that. Urgh.

I know how much you want the old him back but sadly, you can't. The clock cannot be turned back Sad

Lweji · 18/12/2013 19:19

What was the nature of those problems, if you don't mind me asking?

Sometimes we lose sexual interest in our partners due to not feeling loved. One more reason for him to concentrate on you and not on other people, if he really valued you and your relationship.

Do not let him blame you over this.

Lazyjaney · 18/12/2013 22:02

"He admits to a long standing porn habit and became tempted by more 8 months ago when he felt I was no longer interested in him sexually"

You don't believe there is a connection, OP?

rpitchfo · 18/12/2013 22:16

male perspective:

He probably doesn't see this as an affair himself (it is!) - as it evolved from a porn habit.

Sounds as if he lost a lot of confidence. It's not a popular opinion around here but men also need to feel attractive and wanted. People on here will always say the onus is on the man to rectify this (as above..spend time together, help out more etc etc) but the women also has a responsibility. He found that comfort in porn and then on a webcam.....which of course is unforgivable - regardless of the circumstances. She's 20 years old - what an idiot.

Lweji · 18/12/2013 22:20

People here don't say the onus is on the man.
People say that if someone is not satisfied with their marriage, they should address the problems, not cheat. Problems in the marriage don't justify cheating, or porn use. Some people may choose to do it, but it doesn't make it justifiable, let alone the partner's fault.

rpitchfo · 18/12/2013 22:24

i didn't say it justified it - i said it was unforgivable. 99.9% of men use porn. To say there isn't a link between a lack of sex and porn use is naive.

I have no respect for anyone who uses live cams - it's infidelity

KrissieJules · 18/12/2013 22:24

Wow - £3000??

I am very familiar with the world of webcam girls! I think men just like to feel wanted by younger girls.

Try to remind OH - these girls are only interested in him because he's paying them. Oh, and its ALL fake! The orgasms the pleasure etc. Its all an act

Sorry :(

Xxxx

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 18/12/2013 22:28

Show me your evidence that 99.9% of men use porn.

Op, I wouldn't want to be with him. He has given your family money to girls the same age as your daughter for sexual kicks.

This is not your fault.

Lweji · 18/12/2013 22:30

Most of my comment was mostly to LazyJaney, who is often victim blaming.

rpitchfo · 18/12/2013 22:33

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/6709646/All-men-watch-porn-scientists-find.html

first google result...make of it what you will

Lweji · 18/12/2013 22:45

Considering they couldn't find a man who hadn't watched pornography their sample was rather small and biased. I'm surprised if it ever got published.

However, I remember a study (don't know if the same) where usage of pornography was linked to desensitization to sex, as the men required more and more extreme pornography/more excitement. Nothing to do with their partners, just amount of pornography used.

A link from the same page : www.telegraph.co.uk/science/science-news/7066865/Boys-who-watch-porn-think-sexual-harassment-is-acceptable.html

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