Webcam affairs

[FlossieG47]

I have no idea what to do. I have just found out that my husband of over 20 years has been using the services of webcam girls. His total spend on this habit over a period of about 7 months has been almost £3000 . He seemed to form a particular attachment to one girl in particular, and that's how I found out- she sent him a personal e mail. Turns out that he has also sent money to her directly as a birthday present. He claims to have not watched this girl (20 years old by the way) naked for months- he says they just exchange small talk now albeit in broken English . He also felt compelled to contact this girl to let her know that he would not be chatting with her again as his wife had become aware of the situation. Apparently she wished him luck with his family! He is fully aware of the impact this has had on me. My heart is completely broken and right now I don't know how we can ever be happy again. I can't talk to anyone about it as I feel it's so personal. Is anyone else dealing with this?

I'm actually sick of reading about porn and addiction, honestly, what is so great about it, it's usually pretty unrealistic, seedy and sad, no comparison whatsoever to real love and affection.

In fact the porn I've seen has either made me gag or laugh.

You hate the abuse of the word addiction?

I hate the abuse of women by sexual inadequates who piss 3 grand of family money up the wall on sex workers who may have also come from abusive backgrounds.

And you don't think that people who like porn are addicted? What, ever? You think what various psychosexual therapists are saying about the growing problem of porn addiction are lies then? Or what some people themselves are saying about their addictive behaviour around porn? They are liars too are they?

What 'gaps in the relationship' do you and your husband need filling by the porn you say you only use together Joysmum?

I am so sorry to read this. A male perspective (for what it's worth) is that paying a girl about his daughters age to be nude on a pc screen so that he can masturbate is no different to any other betrayal of your relationship. It's vile and unacceptable.

strangetownblues I should have made it clearer that I'm talking about the over use of the term on mumsnet a when I'm of the view that it's not addiction. In my opinion it's mostly a selfish want to watch porn that's more important than a want to keep within the boundaries of the relationship. Sex/porn addiction isn't as common as this forum would have you believe but yet it's often believed that wanting to move on to extreme porn is seen as a natural progression.

As for porn in my own relationship, it enrichens it as we aren't the most imaginative people in the world! My relationship is not dependant on it but it's another fun option, and provides ideas for something different to try together. Many couples have a sex life that is not just limited to making love. Mine is an expression of love and very much of lust too. It's sad that so many couples don't continue with that excitement about sex that they first had. Our sex life has had bad patches but 19 years on I'm just as excited about being with my husband as I was when he was my boyfriend. Porn isn't the only thing that enrichens our sex life but there's a general assumption on here that porn is all consuming and detrimental to a relationship and that simply isn't the case for us. It's not the case for other ladies posting on here either but for some reason none of us are to be believed.

I can accept that other people have tastes different to mine, I'm not trying convert anyone or say you should all watch porn (sadly I can't say the same for the anti porn brigade who can't accept that others have tastes differing from theirs) I am just trying to explain that porn doesn't usually lead to addiction despite what you read on here. When porn attracts the attention of one half of a couple without the other, I find myself asking if this is down to that person being the spawn of satan and a woman hater as is often declared on these porn threads, or them simply wanting to find something they aren't getting in their relationship. Breaking the boundaries of a relationship is not excusable but it's useful for couples to understand what the other likes and dislikes and why to make the most of their sex lives.

As for porn in my own relationship, it enrichens it as we aren't the most imaginative people in the world! My relationship is not dependant on it but it's another fun option, and provides ideas for something different to try together.

I may regret asking this but... would you give an example of an enriching idea you've gained from watching porn?

What have you actually read, if anything, about porn and porn addiction?

I cannot believe that you're trying to patronise intelligent women who actually WORK in the field of human addiction, by telling them not to believe what they hear. Astonishing.

This post is for the OP.

I am SO sorry that some of these posts read in such a victim-blaming way, more or less telling you that if your relationship hadn't had 'gaps' or you'd put out more, this wouldn't have happened.

Please feel free to come back. These victim-blamers really ARE in the minority and there really ARE intelligent posters on here who will focus on your husband's behaviour and not yours. Lots of us have been married for years to really decent men and have much higher opinions of men than you'd imagine from reading some of these awful posts. Women who aren't living in the type of denial of the 'if you can't beat them join them' sort, desperately trying to convince themselves (if not anyone else) that they've got good marriages.

We're here to help.

I just can't help but think how sad and pathetic all these men must look, tugging away, on their own in front of a screen.

Op where do you want to go from here with your marriage?
I don't know how your H can justify spending £3k on 'chatting' to a girl your DD age.