Webcam affairs

[FlossieG47]

I have no idea what to do. I have just found out that my husband of over 20 years has been using the services of webcam girls. His total spend on this habit over a period of about 7 months has been almost £3000 . He seemed to form a particular attachment to one girl in particular, and that's how I found out- she sent him a personal e mail. Turns out that he has also sent money to her directly as a birthday present. He claims to have not watched this girl (20 years old by the way) naked for months- he says they just exchange small talk now albeit in broken English . He also felt compelled to contact this girl to let her know that he would not be chatting with her again as his wife had become aware of the situation. Apparently she wished him luck with his family! He is fully aware of the impact this has had on me. My heart is completely broken and right now I don't know how we can ever be happy again. I can't talk to anyone about it as I feel it's so personal. Is anyone else dealing with this?

There's also plenty of research that says it doesn't..from the study i linked..

"The study found that men watched pornography that matched their own image of sexuality, and quickly discarded material they found offensive or distasteful.

Prof Lajeunesse said pornography did not have a negative effect on men's sexuality.

“Not one subject had a pathological sexuality,” he said. “In fact, all of their sexual practices were quite conventional.

“Pornography hasn't changed their perception of women or their relationship, which they all want to be as harmonious and fulfilling as possible,” he added.

It's usually very easy to find a study to back your view point. This is getting off point though. I think porn use is acceptable - i think increased porn use can be linked to a decrease in a real sexual activity. This does NOT warrant spending 3k on a 20 year old live cam.

What a sad loser, one thing to buy sexual services (and that is disgusting in a married man) but to send her birthday money? What a fucking loser. Completely thick. Does he not get that she was playing him for more money?
I wouldn't want to be with someone so pathetic.
(I speak from experience, with a prostitute using STBXH)

My personal experience was that I lived a life of constantly being on the alert, suspicious... it was horrible. If you do want to try to stay together, don't feel guilty if a while down the line you decide you don't want a life where you're checking browser histories.

I'm wondering why you're interested in a male perspective? I think a cross section of perspectives is useful, so that includes men. But I worry you're hoping to "understand". Don't fall into the trap I did, of working out "why" and in the process almost excusing the behaviour. You want to understand it? That's his job to explain it.

You wanted to hear from men.

So you've had Janey telling you that he thinks there's a connection between your husband feeling rejected and his porn habit and you've had rpitchfo telling you that 99.9% of men use porn, citing a study he's completely misunderstood as 'evidence' of this complete myth.

The link to that survey says that in that small sample, they couldn't find a man who hadn't seen porn at some time in their lives. NOT whether they still used it and WITHOUT stating the fucking obvious which is that it's damned hard to find a WOMAN who hasn't been exposed to porn in her life. Exposure to a mucky mag hidden in a hedge in 1975 does not mean that in 2013 the same man hasn't grown the fuck up and prefers a partner rather than his hand.

Wrong connection and ridiculous, victim-blaming advice.

Where there IS a connection is that a lot of porn addicts end up being unfaithful. The sites they use advertise prostitutes and camservices. The advertisers know they get lots of business from porn sites so that's why they place them there. Go on any forum about infidelity and prostitution and see how many unfaithful men are porn addicts.

Those same forums have loads of posts from women whose partners are using porn a lot DESPITE frequent sex and from women whose porn addict partners PREFER porn to sex and it's the women who are sexually frustrated. Posts too about how crap in bed these porn loving men are - and how they seem to think that jack-hammering a woman with no finesse or skill ought to bring her to orgasm.

Just get rid of him. He's not only into paying for sex, he's into using your hard-earned money to do it.

Rpitchfo, can you not understand the difference between 'have seen porn' and regularly 'use porn'?

Oh dear. You're a great advertisement.

"Most of my comment was mostly to LazyJaney, who is often victim blaming"

It's not victim blaming, it's simple cause and effect.

Only on MN Relationships do you get people like Lweji, who cannot see that not wanting to have sex with your partner for an extended period will inevitably have unfortunate consequences.

Anywhere else it would be a no brainer.

"So you've had Janey telling you that he thinks there's a connection between you"

There's a very good thread on AIBU about "Only on MN", about these sorts of people that you do only see on MN. Quite a few people note that the minute you disagree with these MN Relationship types you get called a man, as its the worst insult they can think of.

Ho hum....

Doesn't there have to be a differentiation made between 'excuses' and 'reasons'? As I understand it, the former is used to justify, the latter to explain. Therefore the reasons why someone may choose to use porn should not be used as excuses for that behaviour (if indeed it needs to be excused - whole other debate there).

From a male perspective OP, I echo what others have said. This is being unfaithful and I'd consider it an affair, he made a choice to go down that route. There may have been issues within your relationship already, but that doesn't excuse his behaviour and you shouldn't blame yourself for it.

FWIW - DW and my sexlife is pretty much non-existant, I have used porn and still do to an extent (though MN has been an education in the ethics of the industry so I have changed my porn consumption behaviour). I wouldn't go down the route of webcam affairs or anything else like that, I suspect the majority of porn-users wouldn't either, but have no evidence of this. There is a line that I wouldn't cross and I'd hope this would apply to many other folk too.

Only on MN Relationships do you get people like Lweji, who cannot see that not wanting to have sex with your partner for an extended period will inevitably have unfortunate consequences.

Lazeyjaney - A dear friend of mine was once the victim of a violent sexual assault that caused her a great deal of emotional trauma, she was unable to have sex with her DH for a very long time and she convinced herself that her DH was going to look elsewhere, that if he wasn't getting it at home he would try get his kicks from someone/somewhere else.

He didn't.
He went to great lengths to make her feel beautiful,loved and safe.

They have one of the strongest marriages I know because it isn't based on the requirement to ejaculate into or over someone else.

captainhindsight that's great, but it really isn't applicable because it's a really extreme example. No decent guy would put pressure of their oh to have sex after a sexual assault .You have no idea if her husband watched porn during that period (he probably did)

rpitchfo you are obviously judging people by your own standards. he probably did wtf?

You sound ill informed and ignorant.

rpitchfo I see, so you know her DH do you? You know his sexual preferences and you know he would rather go behind his wifes back and wank to porn rather than ensure his wifes fragile emotional well being was being protected?

I must run in different circles to you rpitchfo I know a few grown men that experimented with porn during their teenage years but find it distasteful now.

Of course, they are all lying.

and clearly have no imagination

"he would rather go behind his wifes back and wank to porn rather than ensure his wifes fragile emotional well being was being protected?"

Are the two mutually exclusive? May be there are in some relationships, but not necessarily others.

In the instance I was referring to to yes Keepithidden

I am astounded actually by how many people will accept devious behaviour as right when it comes to sexual preference?

If it was drugs or gambling would it be acceptable? or is it just because we are conditioned to accept a persons need to orgasm with porn trumps the right to an honest respectful relationship?

It might be ok in some relationships but it isn't in others and i struggle to see how spend 3k on webcam girls is his god given right because his Mrs didn't have sex with him enough?

Who said it was? Try reading the enormity that is this two page tread before you make your conclusions

Why Captain? I really don't understand why having a wank to porn means that he couldn't ensure his wifes protection. I'm guessing it is the porn use, rather than the masterbating itself that means he couldn't ensure his full support, but can't really work out why.

Devious behavior is a whole different ball game I think. If you feel the need to hide it then that's another issue entirely in my book. Likewise drugs and gambling aren't really comparable. The OPs situation is an extreme example of betrayal without a doubt and I can't really see why anyone would believe it was his god given right to do any of it. I didn't read any posts that offered justification for it, but maybe that is my error.

You suggested rpitchfo and I quote "You have no idea if her husband watched porn during that period (he probably did)"

Now, the "he probably did" comment insinuates that no matter how awful the situation my friends found themselves in that the male would turn to porn because it is the only way to release, knowing full well that it would hurt his wife and potentially cause more issues with intimacy?

So, if the OP is not "putting out" her husband "probably" had the right to pay for sexual services? Would it have been ok if it was free porn?

Perhaps rather than turning to sexual sites the OPS husband had spoke to his DW and tried to reconnect on an emotional level, sex would follow? No, he look the lazy (and expensive) route and invested his sexual energy in something else rather than try to restore intimacy to his marriage.

Keepithidden - perhaps the often violent and abusive nature of porn and knowing her husband was getting off on it may have upset his wife.

Just a thought

No fool like an old fool.

These girls are trained to make men feel happy, and wanted... As long as theyre getting money for it. No money= no attention. Id feel very hurt if that were my husband is he having a mid life crusis?

Fair enough Capt. but there is stuff out there that isn't violent and abusive too. A lot of erotic literature and graphic novels for example.

I'm still not convinced that he couldn't offer his full support and love while using porn, but I'll take your word for it on the only option being the violent and abusive stuff...

Keepithidden Do you know what his secret might have been?

He isn't into porn.

I don't believe I ever said he was, I just questioned whether the assumption that if he was, he wouldn't have been able to offer his wife the required love and support, was accurate or not.

Anyway, this is all a bit OT and I'm partially guilty of hijacking OPs thread, so I apologise for that.

What a complete idiot and nasty piece of work he is, this is a massive betrayal as well as seedy as hell - he's made his choices and spent the family money on girls who are as young as his own - what a saddo.

You now have to make your choices, tell him to go and leave you in peace so you can work out if you want to be with someone who is capable of this - only time will tell but he definitely needs help, this is not what a decent partner and father does, sounds like he has a real addiction. Please do not feel you are the one who has to feel shit about yourself, you're not into competing with girls your daughter's age so forget that, this is about his own kinky needs, nothing to do with you and how you look.

Seriously, he's got a long road to walk and work if he thinks you two just go back to normal - I wish you luck but don't put yourself down, it's him with the problem, not you.

Assigning your correct gender is a statement of fact, not an insult Janey. You are a man. You might want to pretend you're a woman on this forum, but you're fooling no-one.

It's not men (or male posters) in general who are problematical because there are lots of men who are faithful and don't use porn. The men on this forum who are problematical are those who constantly hijack threads with their pro-porn and pro-infidelity agendas, based on their own sad little lives.

I hope the OP comes back for help, or else this will be yet another thread that has been taken over by people who just want to blame women for men's behaviour and create arguments on a thread where someone needed advice and support.

You asked for a male perspective OP, so here's what I'll say, as a male.

This is at once better and worse than if he'd actually cheated on you.

Better: He's fallen in love with a fantasy, an idea, a dream, which was never going to become real - it couldn't have, she's a webcam model, not someone he has any prospect of having a real relationship with. He sounds like a sad case who needed his ego boosted by being told how nice he was by some young one, but if that's what it was, just an ego boost and a fantasy, then it can be fixed. More like interactive porn than an affair.

Worse: He's an idiot. These women are professionals at finding fools to spend money on them , knowing that they will never ask for anything in return. He's thrown €3k of your money (a lot) away on some woman in the US who's been laughing at his pathetic need to pay her and buy her things even though she'll never meet him or know anything about him - or care for that matter. He could have logged onto any number of websites and gotten his jollies for free.

I don't know. As a man, I think this is probably the most pathetic thing you can do. Not the WORST thing you can do - actually using prostitutes and actually having affairs are worse, IMO, but this is definitely the most pathetic thing you could do.

If you love him, you love him. If you can get over it, good for you. But if I were a woman and married to him, I'd boot his candy ass out the door and tell him to ask his fancy woman in America to take him in. She won't want to know him.

I think you should show him this thread and make him realise what the majority of people think

There's a lot of talk on mumsnet about porn addiction. Personally, I'm not convinced that people who like porn are addicted, I think it's simpler than than and that porn is used to fill in gaps in the relationship. In other words, it's not that the watcher wants to atop and can't, but that their lives are enriched by porn and they don't want to give it up. Big difference. I hate the abuse of the word addiction.

Either way, it's not right for a partner to indulge in porn if it falls outside the boundaries of their partner.