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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

One night stand

105 replies

bedhead2008 · 17/12/2013 20:44

Had my first one night stand on Friday with a colleague. I had never really spoken to him before Friday, although I had noticed him (he is very, very good looking!!).

I am now incredibly embarrassed as I was very drunk and the sex was, well, awkward! I woke up in the early hours and left, he was asleep.

As I knew I would have to see him in work, I sent him a friendly email apologising for my behaviour and checking it wouldn't be awkward on Monday. He was friendly, said I should have stayed and he would have taken me home, told me not to be silly that it wouldn't be awkward.

Well it has been very awkward. He can't even look at me. I know he is single. I don't know what to do now? I now feel like I like him, but I'm not sure if this is normal after a one night stand? I feel so shit about the awkwardness as I'd hoped we could be friendly/I could gage if things could go further.

How should I handle this? What should I do? He is changing departments soon and I will not be seeing as much of him after next week.

OP posts:

Report

bedhead2008 · 17/12/2013 23:21

I realise that now looking back. I was still pretty drunk when I left! I honestly do not know what was going through my mind. Just need a plan to try unravel this.

OP posts:

FluffyJumper · 17/12/2013 23:22

If smiling at him terrifies you then you definitely need to start with that rather than asking him out.

I too have never left before the morning, and nor has anyone done it to me. But I don't think it's crime of the century, especially given he was pretty gracious about it in his e mails. Seriously, it could be much worse!

CarryOnDancing · 17/12/2013 23:23

What I would consider to be very attractive would be the complete opposite of some of my friends and vice versa so I wouldn't worry about viewing him with the stereotype of he can get who he wants and isn't falling over himself to get to you.

His ego would still be hurt or be in question with you leaving in the middle of the night-and flashbacks of awkwardness!
I wouldn't try and second guess. He's replied more than once in a friendly way so the door is still open.

If I wanted to see him again I'd probably suggest a bar rather than coffee as there's less emphasis on the need to discuss "the event". If there's chemistry then you don't need to discuss it-unless to joke and flirt about it.

So I'd probably say something like "maybe you'd fancy going out for more drinks and we can try and fit a few waters in there this time? I've heard conversation is also an interesting pastime?!"

You should go for it though. It can't get any more awkward really can it?! If he's not looking at you, he's hardly going to discuss any messages you send with anyone.

tiamariaxxx · 17/12/2013 23:24

Ahh sorry no experience of this, the only 1 nighter ive had ended up my husband lol.

saysomethinganything · 17/12/2013 23:28

What was the text you said about that he said you'd followed him?

FluffyJumper · 17/12/2013 23:28

That's right, it's perfectly natural to be wondering if you might go out since sleeping with someone does often lead to that!

bedhead2008 · 17/12/2013 23:30

My friend text asking him where I ad gone and he said I'd followed him and he was taking me to his to look after me. I have no memory of this whatsoever, I remember being in the hotel, passing out on his bed but woke up to him kissing me and then we had sex. Under a very bright light

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Casmama · 17/12/2013 23:35

Perhaps he is worried he took advantage- kissing a woman who has passed out on your bed is pretty questionable. I realise this then went on to consensual sex but combine that with you vanishing and apologising and seeming regretful this is pretty messy!

bedhead2008 · 17/12/2013 23:36

Yes I think that has something to do with it. The few people in work who know are horrified (they saw the state I was in) and have been giving him awful looks. I wish they would stop, he had had a few as well.

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Casmama · 17/12/2013 23:39

This puts a whole different spin on things!

VanitasVanitatum · 17/12/2013 23:40

If he likes you it won't matter whether you left or stayed. If you leaving at five am is enough to put him off then he's not that into you.

There's no shame in liking someone, however they feel. If you already feel awkward then you don't have much to lose anyway! Smile, say hi, ask him how his weekend was..

VanitasVanitatum · 17/12/2013 23:41

Eek, cross post... Um, that doesn't sound like he acted very well?

Casmama · 17/12/2013 23:42

I think in this case you need to speak to him directly about this- cards on the table.
How do people at work know you had sex- did you tell someone and now he is having people at work glare at him as some sort of sexual deviant?

MadBusLady · 17/12/2013 23:42

Ok, in that case I think I'd leave this one until everyone has calmed down, including you. All sounds a bit fraught.

bedhead2008 · 17/12/2013 23:43

How do you mean Casmama?
No I can see how it doesn't but he had had a drink too and I had probably been giving him the glad eye most of the evening before I got ridiculously drunk, I find him very attractive.

OP posts:

Casmama · 17/12/2013 23:43

Sorry that came across wrong- you are perfectly entitled to tell people but it doesn't tend to bode well for a relationship.

bedhead2008 · 17/12/2013 23:44

x post. My friend who he said he was taking me back to the hotel to look after me realised what was happening. She told our 'group' of friends. They have been giving him 'looks' despite me asking them not to.

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sparklysilversequins · 17/12/2013 23:44

Yes the bright light thing isn't good , that wouldn't do anyone any favours, but try to think of it like this, he was pissed too and I can guarantee right now he will not have been looking judgementally at your body. Men just don't notice the things we think they do, they don't have the same meaning to them. Eg, I think I am flabby, my ex who was stunning and ten years younger than me told me I had the softest most beautiful skin and he meant it too, I could tell.

Personally I would not ask him out but I would be open and friendly and normal with him. If its there it's there and men, especially good looking ones don't tend to need to be nudged if they're interested ime.

Casmama · 17/12/2013 23:45

Are you sure the sex was consensual- were you in a fit state to consent. I don't mean to upset you but it is not unknown for people who have been subjected to non-consensual sex to want to date the perpetrator as a way of normalising things. Sorry if I am off base.

bedhead2008 · 17/12/2013 23:48

I really can't remember how it happened I just have flashbacks of seeing my body and thinking I looked awful! We had kissed earlier in the night before I was ridiculousy drunk. I'm not sure how I could judge if I was in a fit state to consent, I was the drunkest I have ever been I know that much.

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MadBusLady · 17/12/2013 23:50

Ok, I can understand why your friends are giving him disgusted looks.

FluffyJumper · 17/12/2013 23:52

I think if you've had sex with someone at work who you fancy and you'd like to see them again, then that IMO would be consensual. Otherwise you'd never be allowed to have really drunken sex with someone new. It's not like I've done that loads, but god knows it shouldn't be banned.

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TwoMinutesToMidnight · 17/12/2013 23:52

Op he wouldnt have slept with you if he didn't find you attractive, don't be so tough on yourself!

MadBusLady · 17/12/2013 23:56

Yeah, I've had drunken first-time sex, but not drunk like I can't consent, pass out on their bed and forget most of it.

At the very least, he has not behaved well.

I'm also now wondering if the leaving at 5am thing was a bit instinctive.

Casmama · 17/12/2013 23:56

Fluffy that would be consent after the fact.
I agree drunken sex with someone new shouldn't be banned and am certainly not trying to make something out of nothing.

I am uncomfortable with OP saying she woke up to find him kissing her and then proceeded to have sex when she was the drunk east she had ever been.

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