One night stand

[bedhead2008]

Had my first one night stand on Friday with a colleague. I had never really spoken to him before Friday, although I had noticed him (he is very, very good looking!!).

I am now incredibly embarrassed as I was very drunk and the sex was, well, awkward! I woke up in the early hours and left, he was asleep.

As I knew I would have to see him in work, I sent him a friendly email apologising for my behaviour and checking it wouldn't be awkward on Monday. He was friendly, said I should have stayed and he would have taken me home, told me not to be silly that it wouldn't be awkward.

Well it has been very awkward. He can't even look at me. I know he is single. I don't know what to do now? I now feel like I like him, but I'm not sure if this is normal after a one night stand? I feel so shit about the awkwardness as I'd hoped we could be friendly/I could gage if things could go further.

How should I handle this? What should I do? He is changing departments soon and I will not be seeing as much of him after next week.

[bedhead2008]

TwoMinutes I keep trying to tell myself that but part of me believes most men would take any opportunity.

[MadBusLady]

Just to clarify here, OP, I'm not getting at you, you went to a party and got drunk, this is absolutely fine. If he was sober enough to make a move on you, he was sober enough to assess your state, and it doesn't sound to me like he assessed it correctly.

[bedhead2008]

Yes I was abhorrently drunk. And if I didn't find him so attractive, I suppose I would be upset if that makes sense? If it was someone else, I would be angry. But because I fancy him, I'm not. I don't knwo if that makes sense.

[bedhead2008]

His texts to my friend were coherent, they made sense. As opposed to mine sent that night which weren't even decode-able. Although I'm not sure that's a fair measure.

[Casmama]

Yes it does make sense.
However, he has behaved badly. You didn't really know him before this, you have one night of his behaviour a few text messages and the fact he is now ignoring you to go on.
I'm not sure why you want to pursue this and wonder if in part it is to help erase the memories and replace them with better ones.

What do your friends think of this?

[bedhead2008]

They are angry, they are the ones giving him looks. He seems like such a lovely guy in all other aspects though, I may well have been the one to initiate what happened I can't remember!

[Casmama]

How could you have initiated it when you were asleep though?
From what you have said you didn't really know him so how can you assume he is lovely?

[MadBusLady]

It does make sense. It's just a bit of a grey area, it seems to me. So if I were you I'd hold off from any approach until you're totally sure you're ok with what happened.

Well, you're clearly not ok with bits of it, you clearly felt exposed and awkward. Don't necessarily assume this is all about your own body issues, or whatever.

A good ONS (since you say you've not had one before) might be a bit nerve-wracking but it's also supposed to be exciting and nice! Otherwise there doesn't seem to be much point.

[bedhead2008]

I woke up to him kissing me, I might have initiated it after that?
Because of the job he's in and from what I have seen on his facebook/the conversations I had with him before the other night, although brief. But I could be completely wrong, I don't know him really.

[Casmama]

Good post MBL - I agree with everything you said. Give yourself some time bedhead.

[beaglesaresweet]

they did kiss before OP got drunk though! it's not like he just decided to take her to his room just because she was drunk. He was also drunk.
OP, just ask him for a coffee and chat. I hope your friends know that you fancy him.

[pegwin]

Ok. having had very drunken sex with a colleague after a work thing ....he was single, i was single, we were mates, seemed like a brilliant idea at the time. I wanted to give it another go, less drunk.

So we met up over a drink. i brought it up. he kb'd me the grounds it would be inappropriate because we work together.
And do you know ...it wasn't the worst thing that ever happened. i felt better for having got it off my chest rather than leaving it hanging as an unanswered question. it was less awkward and i got over it (then he later changed his mind but it was too late. Que serra..we are still mates)

So, i say just talk to.him. then at least you can stop wondering..the worst that can happens is you will be where you are now...not going out with him...and it might work.out.

(not sure about the kissing you while paraletic though but I have had Ons in a shocking state and ur was definitely my idea)

[Casmama]

I realise that beagles but willingly kissing someone when sober does not imply consent to sex when shitfaced later

[beaglesaresweet]

Casmama, yes, but then we need to ask Op, did she want/plan sex with him when kissing (while still sober). I think also she needs this chat with him even to find out whether she initiated it, apart from following him to the hotel - which was an initiative too, and friend remembers this. Bear in mind he doesn't know her well, so he could have thought that she's following him deliberately, and that her level of drunkedness was normal to her?

[rpitchfo]

I saw this coming a mile off...( I'll leave it at that )

[Vivacia]

part of me believes most men would take any opportunity.

In my experience most men don't.

[Vivacia]

What was the point in that post rpitch?

[jojoanna]

I thought you should just say hi make small talk but I think the boundaries are a bit blurred now. Most men would not have Sex with a very drunken woman.
He now feels bad because all your friends are giving him dirty looks.
Maybe you should say how/why did we have sex when I was so drunk ??

[Norland]

Maybe you should find out if any of your mates fancy him? If they all - as well as you, as you've pointed out may times - have the hots for him and he's picked you, those looks may be because they're pissed off at him for not choosing them over you. Do any of your mates, that's the ones giving him the looks, fancy him?

If I could precis my understanding:

• You knew a man at work, who you found attractive.
• At an 'office party' you and this man kissed, you were both fully compos.
• You then proceeded to get very drunk
• Fortunately you were not too drunk to walk and were able to follow him
• He then informed one of your friends you were with him
• You went to his hotel room
• In your drunken stupor, your memory is full of holes
• You recall awakening to him kissing you
• You then went on to engage, willingly, in coitus

These are the facts, as written by you, on a public message board and how I would imagine a solicitor laying them out in a court of law, if you follow the route some seem to be suggesting on this thread.

If I now summarise what I'm guessing you'd like:

• You fancy a man at work and ended up in bed with him?
• You still fancy said man and would rather like a repeat and perhaps other things, such as drinks/dinner/theatre/cinema/holidays?
• You're not quite sure how to go about engaging with said man to enter into a more meaningful relationship, due to the unfortunate ending of the last encounter?
• You have sought advice on how to engage with said man, by asking a bunch of strangers on an internet forum, how you should approach this?

I suppose you could read all the replies on this thread, then write a private message to those you think are helpful, asking the authors' of their personal circumstances/experiences and how they came to the conclusion to advise you in the way they have.

My advice; ask him out for that tea or coffee, as soon as possible, you may have a vey nice Christmas and do somewhat better in the gift department than you'd expected this year.

[JingleMyBells]

I had an (ex) boyfriend who left in the middle of the night following sex and that was a huge blow. We finished soon after. imagine what a ONS would feel like? Certainly try asking him for a drink but as you arw aware it could be awkward if he says no. Good luck.

[Vivacia]

I suppose you could read all the replies on this thread, then write a private message to those you think are helpful, asking the authors' of their personal circumstances/experiences and how they came to the conclusion to advise you in the way they have.

What are getting at Norland? Do you feel posters have a hidden agenda? I hope that doesn't sound confrontational, I'm not sure what your post means.

[Norland]

Not a hidden agenda; we all make decisions based on our own, personal life experiences. Everybody judges (and we're likely all guilty of claiming not to judge at some time or other)

As such, if somebody had experience of such a thing happening to them, as described in the original post, then that would influence the advice that person proffered.

Therefore, I've tried to clarify my own advice, based on what I think the OP is looking for as an end result. I think the OP would like the end result to be a more meaningful relationship the last two paragraphs seem to imply as such I now feel like I like him, but I'm not sure if this is normal after a one night stand? I feel so shit about the awkwardness as I'd hoped we could be friendly/I could gage if things could go further
How should I handle this? What should I do? He is changing departments soon and I will not be seeing as much of him after next week to me reads:

'I like him, wish I'd not left him lying there, somebody tell me how to get this back on a normal footing...'

As such, my advice based on the tea/coffee '...would like to chat about the other night...' is based on that interpretation. Some of the other posts in this thread, suggest others have intrepreted the OP's wishes differently to me.

[beaglesaresweet]

God, Norland, are you a lawyer? quite a few of us already advised that she suggests coffee and clarifies to him that she's embarassed about being drunk, not the rest of it (as he prob understood)! That will also make these friends to back off with their dirty looks, if they know you've settled things with him.

[Vivacia]

Thanks for taking the time to reply Norland. I think it was probably a helpful contribution for the OP. I think it just read that you were saying other people's reading of the situation was wrong rather than different.

[MadBusLady]

Well, I've never been raped, subjected to anything sexually non-consensual or had anyone take advantage, norland, if that's what you mean. I still know about those topics and will introduce them where I think they're relevant.