Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

One night stand

105 replies

bedhead2008 · 17/12/2013 20:44

Had my first one night stand on Friday with a colleague. I had never really spoken to him before Friday, although I had noticed him (he is very, very good looking!!).

I am now incredibly embarrassed as I was very drunk and the sex was, well, awkward! I woke up in the early hours and left, he was asleep.

As I knew I would have to see him in work, I sent him a friendly email apologising for my behaviour and checking it wouldn't be awkward on Monday. He was friendly, said I should have stayed and he would have taken me home, told me not to be silly that it wouldn't be awkward.

Well it has been very awkward. He can't even look at me. I know he is single. I don't know what to do now? I now feel like I like him, but I'm not sure if this is normal after a one night stand? I feel so shit about the awkwardness as I'd hoped we could be friendly/I could gage if things could go further.

How should I handle this? What should I do? He is changing departments soon and I will not be seeing as much of him after next week.

OP posts:
Original poster
bedhead2008 · 17/12/2013 21:18

I was apologising for my drunkenness!

OP posts:
SlightlyJaded · 17/12/2013 21:18

My assesment of that would be that you are on the cusp and you still have choices.

I used to be the QUEEN of 'oh god sorry, I didn't mean it, how embarrassing' when I actually I did mean it, but was so scared of rejection that I had to get in their first. I am now happily married but I do regret some of the missed opportunities that probably would have been had I not been so quick to shoot myself in the foot.

The messages seem friendly/open/approachable and I think the longer you leave it, the harder it will be to go 'back there', so I would strike whilst there is still some momentum/frisson along the lines of "shall we go for a drink and start over"?

He can only say no! And I don't think he will.

Good luck!

Original poster
bedhead2008 · 17/12/2013 21:20

Eeek, if I didn't work with him I would do it happily, it's the fact that I will have to face him and potentially work closely with him in the future that is stopping me!

OP posts:
Norland · 17/12/2013 21:21

What with leaving him in the middle of the night, then your exes from 1-year and 2-years ago (who presumably crossed over, based on your posts in August and November) do you think you have commitment fears?

If you did that to me, I'd assume one of the following:

  • you though I was crap in bed
  • you'd-sobered-up-and-didn't-fancy-me-after-all during the night
  • had commitment issues
-were an indecisive person

If I knew from work colleagues you made a habit of picking up/hanging around with exes, I'd probably go for the last two items above.

If the man has a sense of humour, you could try something along the lines of '....well, sorry I had to rush off but those early morning appointments (to collect child/walk dog/kiss milkman) just have to be kept; think you could do a better job sober?...' said with a smile...but only if you know he'd find this funny.

You could try the guilt one '...so, am I a notch in the company knocking-ladder?...'

The easiest one, based on your saying you're non too confident of asking him, would be to simply say to him, 'any chance I can buy you a coffe outside of work and have a chat about what happened?..'

If he's a decent sort, he should say yes to any of the above but the last one should be nigh on impossible for any man to refuse. I would respond positivelyto any of the above but your colleague's mileage might vary. And if you do, better have a good reason for him waking up alone, all ready to trot out.

cantthinkofagoodone · 17/12/2013 21:22

From the convo I reckon you're on for a drink

Original poster
bedhead2008 · 17/12/2013 21:37

I like the sound of saying "aany chance I can buy you a coffe outside of work and have a chat about what happened?..".

I felt the conversation was pretty one sided, he asked no questions so it was quite closed!

OP posts:
Original poster
bedhead2008 · 17/12/2013 21:45

Norland - that was the same ex. But colleague knows nothing about my relationship status!

OP posts:
Norland · 17/12/2013 21:51

The same ex? You said in one thread it was a 6-month relationship, your other thread said it was a 12-month relationship?

EirikurNoromaour · 17/12/2013 22:02

Don't invite him for coffee to chat about what happened! Excruciating. Just ask him for coffee!

Norland · 17/12/2013 22:08

Don't just ask him for coffee. You'll both expect to talk about what happened but you left; he'll be waiting for you to start. You're too embarassed to ask, so you'll end up drinking and talking about work. Be clear when you ask him and give him an opening to talk when you're having the coffee

MadBusLady · 17/12/2013 22:12

I agree with Eirikur Xmas Grin

Original poster
bedhead2008 · 17/12/2013 22:14

Norland, I haven't gone back to the threads so aren't sure which ones they are but it was 6 months 'officially' but we were sleeping together for 12.

Ok so we are agreed that by that thread of messages I should be in with a chance?!

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 17/12/2013 22:24

Well, I'm not saying anything of the sort. He has definitely built himself an exit. But there is always a chance that he's done that because you've so comprehensively made it look like you regret the whole thing. So if you want to see if there's a chance, I reckon you've got no option but to be honest and take it on the chin if it goes wrong...

MadBusLady · 17/12/2013 22:26

I do think he sounds like a nice bloke though, and will be considerate whatever.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 17/12/2013 22:26

Go for it. :)

Casmama · 17/12/2013 22:34

Do t mean to be a killjoy but you messaging and him saying he was planning to so it wouldn't be awkward sounds like both of you are wanting to put it behind you. He is also not looking you in the eye.

I'm sorry but I don't think he is interested. I would take it very gently if you are keen to with just a bit of small talk to suss whether he is interested before asking him for coffee or anything else.

Original poster
bedhead2008 · 17/12/2013 22:39

I read it as he was going to message to make sure I had gotten home ok?

This is so confusing!

OP posts:
Casmama · 17/12/2013 22:48

Look it's only my opinion and others clearly disagree with me but you say he is very very good looking.
IME very good looking men tend to have lots of experience with women and they tend to be pretty good at getting what they want. Therefore I would assume that if he wanted a repetition he would be pursuing you.

He seems to be not only not pursuing you but actually avoiding eye contact. I don't say this to make you feel bad because you have no reason too but I don't see a future in this.

Casmama · 17/12/2013 22:50

When you say the conversation was pretty one-sided and he asked no questions - which conversation was this?

FluffyJumper · 17/12/2013 22:51

I really get the impression that you think he's out of your league. If that's the case then you probably won't be comfortable going out with him anyway.

I have been out with someone who was loads more attractive than me, and it only worked because I somehow felt stunning when I was with him, and in no doubt that he fancied me like mad.

I think his replies to you sound very friendly and perfectly judged, so at least you haven't accidentally got off with a prat! It can happen when you're in that state.

I would just try and keep it friendly - 'would you like to go for a coffee' might sound a bit contrived if you're still cringing inside and lack confidence generally.

If it feels natural in general conversation to ask him out then do it, but don't over analyse every conversation and try to shoehorn it in.

Original poster
bedhead2008 · 17/12/2013 23:00

The conversation I posted on previous page.

I have pretty low self-esteem tbh and friends (who are brutally honest!) tell me he is not out of my league. No I'm pleased he's not a prat, he seems lovely. We work in the caring profession and I know he is very compassionate.

OP posts:
Casmama · 17/12/2013 23:12

Sorry I see what you mean. He is friendly in his replies but doesn't seem to be trying to lead the conversation anywhere which could indicate that he just sees it as a ONS.

I agree he doesn't sound like a prat at all but he doesn't seem to be trying to maintain friendly terms which shouldn't be that difficult- a smile and a hello rather than avoiding eye contact.

If I was you I would start with the smile and hello and judge from there whether he is showing interest or politely distant

FluffyJumper · 17/12/2013 23:16

Yes, just focus on smiling and saying hello.

Original poster
bedhead2008 · 17/12/2013 23:16

Ok, I will try that tomorrow. It sounds ridiculous but even smiling at him terrifies me atm. I am kicking myself for running off at 5am! Really truly kicking myself. I could have ended things before they even begun!

OP posts:
ALittleStranger · 17/12/2013 23:17

For future reference, it is incredibly rude to leave before the other person has woken up. That has never happened to me, or anyone I know in fact, and I would be mortified if it did. Combined with you seeming to apologise for even having sex and over-emphasising your drunkenness, I think you've given a pretty stong steer that you regard it as a mistake.