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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex boyfriend still contacting me after 18 months

28 replies

Angelina7 · 17/12/2013 14:23

Hello,

I'd like to hear some opinions if possible or what you did if you have had a similar experience... My ex bf is still contacting me whichever way he can after 18 months of breaking up with him, I did break his heart admittedly, I was his first love & long term gf, we had bought a flat together the previous year & when I moved in with him I just wasn't happy as he was quite needy & needed cheering up a lot. Since then things have happened quickly, I met my current partner & we have a baby & are living together & very happy, however, my ex is still trying to contact me & it's terrible late at night if I get a text from him when I am with my partner as I have to hide it from him. Things with the ex ended horribly as he was so angry with me & became unhinged, harassing me, chucking all my belongings in carrier bags on the pavement outside my parents house in the early hours one winters night. I hoped before these horrible things happened we would remain friends as I felt our relationship had just turned into a friendship anyway but since then, with all that he has put me through & my current situation, it is impossible to try to get that friendship back, that would be weird and wrong. Sooooo ... What to do ... Carry on ignoring all his contacts & hiding it from my partner? Or block him frm my phone & email (if that's possible)? Or reply to him, or any other advise? Sorry this is long but it's really gone on too long now & causing me unnecessary worry when I have enough to do really without worrying if I'm being fair or doing the right thing.

Thank u & sorry!! Xx

OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 17/12/2013 14:26

Block him! Yes it's possible, you can do it yourself on your email, your phone provider should be able to do it on your phone.

After all this time and what happened you do not owe him anything!

LineRunner · 17/12/2013 14:28

You really do need to properly end this. Block and delete.

lottiegarbanzo · 17/12/2013 14:32

I don't see why you're keeping this secret from your partner - that suggests you think you have a secret to keep. Were you thinking of getting into discussion with the ex that would be inappropriate? No reason to be secretive if not, unless your DP has some weird jealousy issues, which would be a probem in itself.

Either just block, or send one message saying that you have nothing further to say to ex and won't be changing your mind about that.

HanselandGretel · 17/12/2013 14:34

What is the nature of the texts? are they pleading or angry etc?

Sounds like he was in a right state when you split up and is finding it hard to move on...depending on how he is at the moment, I would suggest if it's possible, to kindly but firmly tell him to move on and that a friendship isn't possible...end of, no false hope there and after that then ignore any more contact.

Abitannoyedatthis · 17/12/2013 14:35

Do not reply to him under any circumstances. If your phone company cannot block his number, change yours. Make sure he is blocked from your facebook, twitter etc and if you have mutual friends, consider what you post as he may be able to see stuff. Consider dropping mutual friends as they may be feeding information back. Delete any email without reading it. I think you can block senders on your email account.

What I did was to tell ex that any letters etc would be binned without reading. Eventually he stopped.

If he still tries to contact you see a solicitor or tell the police if you feel threatened.

KirstyJC · 17/12/2013 14:38

This sounds like stalking to me - you need to block him and tell your current partner too.

Depending on what he says in the texts I would also be seriously considering getting the police involved too. If you are finding this distressing then it suggests that they are not nice in tone and would therefore be illegal. Maybe if the police had a word with him, he might finally stop?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 17/12/2013 14:39

Like lottie, I wonder why you are keeping this secret from your current partner. Your ex's behaviour is not your responsibility, and if he is your partner he should want to support you through anything that is upsetting you.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 17/12/2013 14:41

(and yes, the only way to eventually get peace from needy people is to block and ignore COMPLETELY. I hope you are not answering any of his messages.)

43percentburnt · 17/12/2013 14:45

What are his texts saying? Are they threatening? If so it may be best logging them on 101. Ask them if they suggest you send one last message stating 'please do not contact me again'.

FolkGirl · 17/12/2013 16:31

Block; tell your partner; log them with the police.

bzoo · 17/12/2013 16:36

I feel your pain my ex of 16 months still contacting me. Yesterday it was I know where you live bi have done for a long time.

Today it was messaging me my home address to prove he knows. Had police involved months ago. They did nothing but have a word with him bits continued.

They won't do anything until he physically does something. ConfusedConfused

Joysmum · 17/12/2013 16:36

Glad the others raised this, why haven't you told your partner?

sapfu · 17/12/2013 16:45

Why do you have to hide this from your partner?

What is the nature of the texts - are they pining for you, threatening, friendly, demanding, what?

FutureDreamer · 17/12/2013 17:01

Why on earth are you not telling your partner? Have you told ex you don't want him to contact you? Be blunt and then block him

Cabrinha · 17/12/2013 17:11

I would text him once that any further contact will go unopened AND lead to you speaking to the police.
One warning, and mean it.
Then block, ignore, keep records.

Also worried that you can't tell your partner. Are you scared of how he will react?

Lweji · 17/12/2013 17:51

Block if you can.
If he persists, tell him to stop or you'll report him to the police.

If the contact affects you, you could obtain an injunction. As he is a former partner, it is classed as domestic abuse.

bzoo · 17/12/2013 18:02

Well, I contacted the police earlier. Because next door knocked on the door to giver a parcel that came whilst was at work. I was terrified it would be my ex after declaring he knew my address.

They are coming over this evening.

I realised I will not be terrified in my own home by and ex of 16 months ago. How dare he!

Hissy · 17/12/2013 18:05

You need to tell your DP, and you need to get advice from the police. I think they have teams that deal with stalking.

bzoo · 17/12/2013 18:08

Please do tell your fella. It's not something you should feel you have to hide. X

lottiegarbanzo · 17/12/2013 18:42

He could be stalking and seeking to harrass or intimidate but he could just really want an opportunity to explain himself and be heard. Surely which one might be apparent from his messages?

You don't owe him a hearing though, so your response can be the same either way. I just think if he wants to be heard or even to be friends, a one line brush off would be helpful to state your position. Otherwise he may feel it's worth persisting until 'the time is right'.

Obvously if he continues after that it tips into stalkerish behaviour anyway.

Meerka · 17/12/2013 19:29

Follow cabrinha's advice.

one text to tell him not to contact you any more.

If he continues, keep a record, get him blocked and if you feel it necessary just ring the non-emergency number with the police.

Do tell your partner what you're doing and why.

Cabrinha · 17/12/2013 19:35

Well that's great that you're getting advice from the police - well done for standing up to him!
You didn't say why you haven't told your partner though. I don't want to be nosy - just I guess I'm not the only one worried that you're scared to, and like you say - you shouldn't have to be scared!

Original poster
Angelina7 · 18/12/2013 01:02

Wow, just been catching up on all that advice... The messages from the ex have a different tone nearly every time, some say they miss talking to me, some say things like you'll never Guess where I am? & some have a go at me for not staying friends or for what happened etc ... All basically trying to get my attention & I ignore them all since I emailed him a final goodbye type message months ago when he found out (I don't know how) that I now have a baby, and he sent a goodbye message back but & stopped messaging for a bit but it seems to b getting more frequent again, not even ignoring seems to discourage him!
I don't tell my partner because i see it as my problem, not his, my family knows but they knew the ex obviously so I find it's gd to have their advice, but I just always tried to keep it to a minimum with my partner, it would be weird if I started bringing it up now & I don't really feel the need to with him, unless I felt unsafe like he was following me & then of course I would but I don't feel unsafe I just feel a bit fed up with always wondering what to do about these messages, forgetting about them and then randomly getting another one etc.
I think I will take a lot of your advice & just block him, I blocked him a year ago from Facebook but will do it to the mobile & email too and at the same time so I don't get any grief about blocking him from him! I always thought he would bring the messaging to an end himself which would be gd for him & gd for me (to know he's finally moved on) but that hasn't happened so I'm going to have to take control of the situation I guess. Xx

OP posts:
Charcoalbriquettes · 18/12/2013 01:09

I think you would feel a lot less got at by him if you were frank with your current partner. You are sharing your lives... But this is a worry that you are not sharing with him. The longer you don't tell him for the harder it will be.

Original poster
Angelina7 · 18/12/2013 01:11

bzoo, it's good to hear someone else has a similar situation (though of course I wish neither of us were in this situation!) you would think the ex's would be able to pick themselves up & move on by now, but neither of ours seem to want to. Sounds like your in more of a stalking situation than I am which must be so scary, I know the police don't appear to do anything but do keep reporting everything he does so their is record of it just in case you do have to call them on him one day, And stay safe, always let friends/family know what's going on too so people are looking out for u. I hope it all fades into history soon x

OP posts:
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