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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Absolutely devastated and out of the blue.

61 replies

llwynogbach · 15/12/2013 16:21

Long story here so bear with me, My Dp and I got together last Jan, we clicked instantly and fast became an "official couple" Our relationship has at times been difficult due to loss of jobs, moving house etc etc and on top of this I suspect he has bipolar. Over the last month or so since we moved into the new house we re-entered the honeymoon period, we've just bee good together, he even went as far as to say last weekend that we were the best we've ever been. We've been excited about Christmas and our mini break to Krakow (this thurs) then yesterday I got a text saying that the car was a state, and it was lazy of me not to put the dog blanket on the seat properly and how was he supposed to take his friend out. Now I know I should have done the dog blanket but honestly I just didn't think. My response was that I was sorry and I would hoover the car later, however I wasn't going to grovel as although I've been using the car for the last week it hadn't been hoovered for bloody months. I then got a text saying we needed to talk.

The talk consisted of him telling me I had to leave in Jan, he had been frustrated with me not renting my old house out and how it was direspectful??? Now I've lived with him for 6 months and the only contribution I've made is the food shop, I've offered to pay half of everything until I'm blue in the face but it's always been turned down, so to throw it back in my face and say I was sponging off him and taking him for granted was unfair.

I feel that if he had been unhappy for so long he should have said
a) before we moved into this house.
b)way before christmas.

I'm now utterly devastated and quite shell shocked, and now faced with the prospect of trying to use all my savings to rent a house and buy a new car. The thing is that I know he is devastated too, he cried several times last night. I feel (and so do several others) that he feels he doesn't deserve me and so pushes me away so that he can't get hurt by me, I think he's sabotaging his own happiness.

Where do I go from here? I feel so lost!

OP posts:
aaaaaaa · 15/12/2013 16:25

Can you move into your old house, if you haven't rented it out?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/12/2013 16:26

I'm sorry you've had such a nasty surprise but where you go from here is 100% self-preservation. Don't be swayed by the fact that he's crying and don't try to psychoanalyse his motives. He's behaving very cruelly and there is simply no point sticking around for more punishment. Do you have friends or family that you could move in with temporarily? January is a horribly long way off.

Original poster
llwynogbach · 15/12/2013 16:28

My old house is in North Wales, and I'm currently in West Sussex, no one to stay with full time, I can do the odd night here and there but that's it really.

OP posts:
Original poster
llwynogbach · 15/12/2013 16:29

I am looking at rooms to rent in the local area. I HATE the idea of housemates again though....I'm nearly 30, I feel too old for that! Definitely not where I thought I'd be at 30 :(

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/12/2013 16:35

Hmm... who's his 'friend'? I don't know of any male mates that wouldn't be happy to just jump in the car. Even a towel as an impromptu seat cover for the most fastidious?

So sorry OP. Perhaps agree to move but ask for a few weeks so that you can find somewhere without pressure. I don't know if that would work for you but it seems unnecessarily harsh to just throw you out.

Twinklestein · 15/12/2013 16:38

I guess the bottom line is that this relationship (and this man) weren't as stable as you thought. I understand it's a horrible shock, but it's better to find out now, than further down the line.

Cabrinha · 15/12/2013 16:45

Have you left a job to be with him then? If it's not been long, can you call and see if you can go back? I know people who have, where there replacement isn't working out.
I wouldn't bother trying to analyse him - that way madness lies, and worse, excusing him!
You've already had ups and downs in the first year.
Cut your losses, call him the wanker he is, and leave him to it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/12/2013 16:46

BTW... when you say you clicked as a couple straight away, was he very overboard with the 'I love yous' and wanting to move in together?

underthebluemoon · 15/12/2013 16:47

Living in a relationship where one person turns hot and cold is not good or healthy. Better that you come to terms with the reality of this as a long term relationship now. Put yourself first.

Original poster
llwynogbach · 15/12/2013 16:51

No he wasn't OTT at all, I think we just felt comfortable straight away. i moved from Wales 3 years ago, my house was rented out for the first 1.5 yrs but now it needs renovating...I know I know 1.5 years. In my defense its very hard to organise stuff from 300+ miles away.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 15/12/2013 17:10

Well, it's neither here nor there now how long you've had to renovate, or hard it is to organise. You can't be that short of cash if you can afford to leave it empty, so I'd call this a lucky escape that you know it's not working within a year, and get that house share sorted. If you don't like sharing, can you sell up in Wales?

Cabrinha · 15/12/2013 17:13

And re using your savings to buy car / pay rent... It's not your fault you didn't pay half the rent, but surely you have those savings cos you've just been buying food only? So whilst you have fair complaint about him being a cock in the split, I'd just write the cost off, as he's also the reason you've had low outgoings.
Horrible shock though, I'm sorry you're going through it. But do think you've dodged a bullet.

Phalenopsis · 15/12/2013 22:07

It was lazy of me not to put the dog blanket on the seat properly and how was he supposed to take his friend out. Now I know I should have done the dog blanket

He's a nutter and you're well rid. Don't bother trying to pyschoanalyse him. Find yourself somewhere to rent asap and end all contact with him.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 15/12/2013 22:15

I'm sorry that you are upset. It's hard when it comes out of the blue and you thought it was good. I do understand! But please don't try to 'fix' this - the man is telling you who he is listen.

Run while you can.

Do you like your job?
Do you like living in WS?

Is it time for a whole new adventure?

FunkyBoldRibena · 15/12/2013 22:24

It was a fucking blanket. You are better off out of this one.

winkywinkola · 15/12/2013 22:58

He gave you a row about a blanket on a car seat? He's seeing someone else and is looking for a row with you.

Scoot and fast with your dignity intact. He's not a good person and certainly not good enough for you.

ButterflySandwich · 15/12/2013 23:08

So sorry you're going through this OP. What made you think your DP is bipolar? Do you think this behaviour is related?

melanie58 · 16/12/2013 00:25

My controlling ex used to rant about things being 'disrespectful'. I was once 15 minutes late picking him up (for a very good reason) and he went on and on about my disrespecting him. I always thought it an odd complaint and I noticed it in your thread. I think it reveals that he has a sense of entitlement and expectation that you are going to be subservient to him (eg arranging the dog blanket perfectly). What you have suspected as being bipolar tendencies might be yet another bloody mumsnet example of a controlling man. Far from pushing you away because he feels he doesn't deserve you, he may have a huge sense of superiority and entitlement. Don't pine over him yet - think back over the odd things he's said and done since January, which you found excuses for at the time, and let yourself take stock. With hindsight, do the red flags wave at you?

melanie58 · 16/12/2013 00:29

Actually that was just a wordy way of agreeing with what Phalenopsis says: 'he's a nutter'.

JollySantersSelectionBox · 16/12/2013 00:38

It's a form of control.

Taking you to the limit of upset. It's all very black and white in his world. Even though it is "killing" him to sacrifice his happiness over his strong moral code.

He wants you to beg to stay, it puts the power of manipulation in his control.

I would have had warning lights about him refusing to let you pay for things in such a long period. Especially if you'd said it made you feel better to pay. But you wouldn't be in his favour if you paid, it would be an equal relationship.

Call his bluff, and next time discuss a financial plan before moving in with a new partner.

Original poster
llwynogbach · 16/12/2013 02:50

wellwwe had a semi civil conversation earlier and in some respects I can see where he's coming from (not about the dog blanket obviously) I can see how he's got frustrated. I'm not excusing his behaviour for a moment. After talking last night I wasn't upset anymore just thoughtful which was a relief. The really odd thing is that he freaked out when I said I was looking at a room tomorrow evening and said I didn't have to/ shouldn't leave until the end of Jan. I've given up trying to reason, he knows what I think and I'll leave it at that.

OP posts:
LittleRedDinosaur · 16/12/2013 02:58

Read nothing into the tears. I remember my abusive ex sobbing like nothing I've ever seen when I eventually left him. He had his new girlfriend in a hotel down the road. Not saying that this is what is happening here but you need to focus entirely on moving forwards.

BlousyMumsyTwat · 16/12/2013 05:31
  1. His self-analysis doesn't make him less of a twat, it makes him a brooding twat.
  1. Do not hand over 6 months money in an attempt to say "sorry" and "save" your relationship. People don't PAY to be in relationships - and anyway, you need that money to pay for a move back to wales.
Vivacia · 16/12/2013 06:12

You're going to stay with him, aren't you? And when January comes, and there's a way for you to stay with him, you'll meet his conditions in order to do so?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/12/2013 07:04

So he was the Big Man telling you to leave but now he's extending the deadline because you've called his bluff. I think he was expecting you to sob, plead and beg him to reconsider if you sharpened your act up and, because you haven't, it's thrown him. I really don't like the sound of this man - that word 'disrespectful' grated with me as well as a PP - and would urge you to get yourself away as soon as possible.

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