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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Absolutely devastated and out of the blue.

61 replies

llwynogbach · 15/12/2013 16:21

Long story here so bear with me, My Dp and I got together last Jan, we clicked instantly and fast became an "official couple" Our relationship has at times been difficult due to loss of jobs, moving house etc etc and on top of this I suspect he has bipolar. Over the last month or so since we moved into the new house we re-entered the honeymoon period, we've just bee good together, he even went as far as to say last weekend that we were the best we've ever been. We've been excited about Christmas and our mini break to Krakow (this thurs) then yesterday I got a text saying that the car was a state, and it was lazy of me not to put the dog blanket on the seat properly and how was he supposed to take his friend out. Now I know I should have done the dog blanket but honestly I just didn't think. My response was that I was sorry and I would hoover the car later, however I wasn't going to grovel as although I've been using the car for the last week it hadn't been hoovered for bloody months. I then got a text saying we needed to talk.

The talk consisted of him telling me I had to leave in Jan, he had been frustrated with me not renting my old house out and how it was direspectful??? Now I've lived with him for 6 months and the only contribution I've made is the food shop, I've offered to pay half of everything until I'm blue in the face but it's always been turned down, so to throw it back in my face and say I was sponging off him and taking him for granted was unfair.

I feel that if he had been unhappy for so long he should have said
a) before we moved into this house.
b)way before christmas.

I'm now utterly devastated and quite shell shocked, and now faced with the prospect of trying to use all my savings to rent a house and buy a new car. The thing is that I know he is devastated too, he cried several times last night. I feel (and so do several others) that he feels he doesn't deserve me and so pushes me away so that he can't get hurt by me, I think he's sabotaging his own happiness.

Where do I go from here? I feel so lost!

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 16/12/2013 07:10

This relationship is less than a year old? (You meant last January it began?)

And he's already gaslighting you, by refusing your financial contributions to setting up (his) new him, then condemning you for it?

I was wondering if he sees you as a meal ticket - wants you to sell up old house, to pay for his. Bet there aren't both names on this property.

You are feeling confused because he is setting out to confuse you. It's a way of ensuring compliance.

paxtecum · 16/12/2013 07:22

OP: Listen to the Wise Women here.
Not one of them is telling you that all is well.

Leave him, get away from him.
Get a new life.
NOW.

If you do delay leaving, FGS do not get pregnant.

Best wishes to you.

tumbletumble · 16/12/2013 07:33

OP, I'm honestly not a LTB poster, but I have to agree with everyone else. He sounds like a real twat - don't waste this opportunity to get out now.

ColinButterfly · 16/12/2013 07:34

If this isn't a push-me/pull-me set up I will be shocked.

My ex used to do stuff like this to destabilise and bewilder me. Basically kicking the dog to make the dog grateful and compliant.

I guess he doesn't want contributions to the house because it reduces your rights etc but using at as a stick to beat you with.

ChallyCreaks · 16/12/2013 07:43

Why does he want you to hang around until January?

I'm sorry but I would be getting out as soon as possible. I hope you can move out before Christmas.

merrymouse · 16/12/2013 08:01

Re: sharing, I know it's not what you want, but many people of all ages house share during the working week and live somewhere else at weekends because they have had to move for their job. If you have another house you are in a much, much better position than most.

Really, relationships only get more complicated once you add in children and later on caring for elderly parents. Better to be flat sharing this Christmas than ending up in a hostel with a young child in two Christmas's time.

I think this is a case of 'looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, is a duck'.
The secret message of his behaviour is not 'you are too good for me'. Both the obvious and the underlying message are 'I am a bit of a twat'.

whatdoesittake48 · 16/12/2013 08:05

The reason he is upset is because you have genuinely let him down. he has extremely high expectations of you (and probably of himself too) and he is now very disappointed in you. To him this one incident is a deal breaker.

Clearly this is ridiculous, and abusive, but he doesn't feel he is being controlling or manipulative. he just thinks you should be perfect. This is why he feels so awful about it.

Even if you get over this situation, more issues will emerge and more often. it will go from "you always make my tea wrong" to "you are incredibly disrespectful because wake me when you get up in the morning". it will just become a daily onslaught and you will be running around trying to avoid him kicking off.#

Just be thankful it is over and get out.

winkywinkola · 16/12/2013 08:09

I would leave.

What a git.

You want a git? Then stay.

But he is definitely a git. Lucky you.

Original poster
llwynogbach · 16/12/2013 08:52

The having extremely high expectations of himself strikes a cord with me. I don't really know what to do, I know that I am looking at rooms for rent, and plan to move out, home is in w Sussex now as I moved down here to be near my sister and niece. I think I've probably learnt that whatever happens I need to keep my independence.

OP posts:
purplebaubles · 16/12/2013 08:57

Oh, god, sorry, but he sounds like a total arsehole!

At 30, you should be thinking, I haven't got time for this shit!

Get out now whilst you're still young!

p.s I was single at 36....then met DH..you have plenty of time. Life is too short to deal with idiots like this.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 16/12/2013 09:28

The only good thing about his crappy timing is that he didn't fume about this then let rip once you were on holiday in Poland. If you have noticed what you think are signs indicative of him having bi-polar disorder it could explain his rapid irritability and switch of mood but equally he could just be jerking your chain to tell you he's boss.

Either way it must have been a severe shock. Any chance you can stay at your sister's temporarily while you look forr alternative accommodation?

FunkyBoldRibena · 16/12/2013 09:29

The having extremely high expectations of himself strikes a cord with me

Yeah. right.

It was a fucking blanket.

However that was just a smidgen of what he's got up his sleeve for you, should you make the choice to stay.

Original poster
llwynogbach · 16/12/2013 09:34

Unfortunately no chance of staying at my sisters as she suffers from severe anxiety, me staying at hers would be horrific for her.

OP posts:
OddFodd · 16/12/2013 09:37

Who does the dog belong to?

Original poster
llwynogbach · 16/12/2013 09:47

Both of us really, we got her from a rescue together after his dog died.

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 16/12/2013 09:53

You are worrying me. Open your eyes! This is not about him having 'high standards' - it is about him 'keeping you in your place' and finally getting to the stage where his word is law & you are constantly treading on egg shells... slowly & gradually sapping the life out of you.

You have been with him less than a year - the longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave. I know you feel you don't want to 'start again' being single, finding someone else... it's shit. It is worse by a million miles to be with someone like him.

He's 'freaking out' not because he loves you and can't imagine his life without you in it, but because his 'control' isn't working, it isn't going to plan. Don't fall for it, or for tears

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 16/12/2013 09:56

... and if you simply refuse to listen to what everyone is saying, that's your choice, it's your life. We will always be here and wont say 'we told you so' if you post again, further down the line. Most of us have 'Been there, done that too' & didn't listen to the good advice we were given!

BUT if you don't heed any other advice, heed this...get yourself some double duty contraception - you DO NOT want to be bringing a child into it.

Be strong - you are worth so much more than this.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/12/2013 09:59

It's replacing his dog then, I'd leave it with him unless he really doesn't want her - or unless you are in a much better position to care for her.

You still haven't explained where the bipolar suspicion came from. It's not the same thing as being a moody sod. Actually I wonder whether this might resonate at all.

Original poster
llwynogbach · 16/12/2013 10:03

Getting pregnant is not an issue, I'm on nuvaring but have pretty severe gynalogical (sp) issues which mean that even if I did get pregnant which would be difficult that its highly unlikely that I would carry past the second trimester, definitely a minefield I don't want to walk into right now!

I know I'm worth more and I know I'm strong and I'll be ok, somehow though I sometimes forget all of that in this kind of situation.

OP posts:
TalkativeJim · 16/12/2013 10:05

The really odd thing is that he freaked out when I said I was looking at a room tomorrow evening and said I didn't have to/ shouldn't leave until the end of Jan.

Ahh OP, you didn't play by the script there you see. You weren't supposed to take it at face value and actually go looking to move out. You were supposed to be utterly devastated, BEG him to reconsider, say you'll do ANYTHING to be a better/tidier/more obedient partner... and start on the road to tying yourself up in knots and disappearing up your own backside trying to keep His Lordship happy.

I'd move on - it's odds on that this one is a thumbs down.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/12/2013 10:05

Oh and, why January? Surely if a couple are splitting up it's awkward and embarrassing to carry on sharing a house. The sooner you can move apart the better, I'd have thought. And yet he is very keen that you should work out your notice period, as it were. You're not even paying rent - there is no reason to stay other than... well actually, there is no reason to stay. Not if he genuinely means you should split up, anyway.

AgathaF · 16/12/2013 10:07

I really hope you are taking in all the good advice that has been offered on this thread.

From your first post, this struck me he even went as far as to say last weekend that we were the best we've ever been - he's marking you, grading your relationship.

He's a controlling idiot. I think you know it deep down, yet you're finding excuses - dog, house share, Christmas, his "civil conversation". It's all bullshit. It will get worse if you stay. Get out as soon as you can - house share in the short term if you need to, you can always find somewhere more permanent in a few weeks time.

sebsmummy1 · 16/12/2013 10:08

Errrr talkativeJim is dead right here. You were supposed to be devastated and tell him you were going to be a better more respectful girlfriend in the future, not stay calm and talk about when you will be moving out.

Tread very very carefully here, I don't like where this could be heading. Particularly since you think he may have a personality disorder.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/12/2013 10:10

"Oh and, why January?"

It depends on his motives. If he wants to control the OP and stay in a relationship he's giving her enough notice to buck her ideas up. If he genuinely wants to end the relationship, he'll probably think the notice period makes him seem reasonable i.e not sending her out into the night with nowhere to go.

llwynogbach · 16/12/2013 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.