Absolutely devastated and out of the blue.

[llwynogbach]

Long story here so bear with me, My Dp and I got together last Jan, we clicked instantly and fast became an "official couple" Our relationship has at times been difficult due to loss of jobs, moving house etc etc and on top of this I suspect he has bipolar. Over the last month or so since we moved into the new house we re-entered the honeymoon period, we've just bee good together, he even went as far as to say last weekend that we were the best we've ever been. We've been excited about Christmas and our mini break to Krakow (this thurs) then yesterday I got a text saying that the car was a state, and it was lazy of me not to put the dog blanket on the seat properly and how was he supposed to take his friend out. Now I know I should have done the dog blanket but honestly I just didn't think. My response was that I was sorry and I would hoover the car later, however I wasn't going to grovel as although I've been using the car for the last week it hadn't been hoovered for bloody months. I then got a text saying we needed to talk.

The talk consisted of him telling me I had to leave in Jan, he had been frustrated with me not renting my old house out and how it was direspectful??? Now I've lived with him for 6 months and the only contribution I've made is the food shop, I've offered to pay half of everything until I'm blue in the face but it's always been turned down, so to throw it back in my face and say I was sponging off him and taking him for granted was unfair.

I feel that if he had been unhappy for so long he should have said
a) before we moved into this house.
b)way before christmas.

I'm now utterly devastated and quite shell shocked, and now faced with the prospect of trying to use all my savings to rent a house and buy a new car. The thing is that I know he is devastated too, he cried several times last night. I feel (and so do several others) that he feels he doesn't deserve me and so pushes me away so that he can't get hurt by me, I think he's sabotaging his own happiness.

Where do I go from here? I feel so lost!

Lucky you!
He's shown himself to be a total no go.

Sorry about the shock, and that you feel that you're not where you think you want to be at 30, but look at it this way, you could be this way five years from now!

Gather all the goodness you gave to this relationship, you ability to love, your thoughtfulness, your generosity, and take that with you!

He's manipulating you telling you when and how you're to leave- he's not the boss of you!

You do what you want and ignore this wizard of oz. he only wants you to stay till january for an easy Christmas shag - serving out your notice is a brilliant way of putting it anniegetyourgun, like he's the boss and you're his employee.

Leave him and his issues behind.
Pack up and leave when it suits you, not to his timetable, or desires/ mind fuck schedule.

Good luck to you OP.

I know loads of people with MH issues, depression and bipolar, and NONE of them are cruel and unkind.

He's playing a poor me game.
Don't waste your short life on this guy.

That would make sense, Cog, except for The really odd thing is that he freaked out when I said I was looking at a room tomorrow evening and said I didn't have to/ shouldn't leave until the end of Jan. Not saying calmly there's no rush, don't worry, as a decent man should; but actively discouraging her from going sooner, in what sounds like a panicky tone. Like he is invested in her not going sooner.

Good point about the Christmas shag, Venus, hadn't thought of that!

Oh yes Annie... I definitely plump for the former given the anxiety about her clearing out quicker than his plan. Just trying to see other angles.

It's like he's testing you to see how far he can push you and still retain control. Why January? Why not now? Is this a tightening the noose thing - pushing you to contribute so that you either rent or sell your house? That would effectively tie the house up so that you cannot just walk out with a place to live, thus making you more reliant on him. The extra money would just be a perk. Something to think about.

I'm sorry to hear he has issues. However they are his to sort out, possibly with the help of his mother. You aren't his nurse maid, you are not there to change him, and a relationship shouldn't be built upon a pity party.

I'd have been tempted to call his friend infront of him and apologise profusely for not putting the dog blanket on properly and causing so much distress. I bet he wouldn't even have noticed, would be wondering what you were on about, and would've made your BF look bloody ridiculous.

The January deadline is purposefully set. He would no doubt have another talk with you before then to say that perhaps he can overlook what happened (if you change) and maybe try again for three months or so. Because you are bound to f*ck up in that time, and he can pick it all up again. But in the meanwhile you can enjoy the stress of living on borrowed time for good behaviour.

What are you doing about your Krakow trip, op? Can you take a friend?

I really hear what you are saying about not wanting to live in a house share at 30, it is completely reasonable to want to be settled, but ask yourself what the long term plan is.

In 5 years you will be 35- do you want to be 35 and still be being manipulated and messed around by this bloke, or do you want to be 35 and settled in a long term relationship with someone you can count on- the latter means getting away now from all this game playing.

Mental health issues and having a brain injury does not lead to symptoms of 'behaving like a twat'. in my book, manipulating someone and trying to assert power and control, and getting someone 'second guessing' is not due to a blow on the head. if he wants to, he could go and get advice and help with this, but my guess is that he won't.

I normally wince when I read the phrase "sabotaging his own happiness" because it suggests the author still has sympathy for the individual in question and is prepared to jump through any number of hoops to make things better at whatever cost to their own emotional security and well-being.

I do think your first duty is to yourself, so still stand by my earlier post - reading your subsequent posts, could a brain injury he sustained years' ago cause his behaviour that made you wonder about his MH?

I am not a medical expert so don't know if a TBI (traumatic brain injury) would enable him to form an attachment and see it run for 3 years then all of a sudden provoke a swift about-turn and almost immediately a show of grief and distress.

Worry about him sabotaging your happiness. His happiness is his own responsibility.