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Original poster

My DM and presents...

53 replies

Souper · 15/12/2013 15:20

Please help me to understand what is going on and what to do here.

If I ask my DM what she would like for Christmas or her birthday she says with a martyred sigh "Nothing." But if I actually did buy her nothing she would cry (not rant or shout or say anything at the time) and be really disappointed.

So every single year I rack my brains trying to think of something to get her. She is really difficult to buy for! She has literally no hobbies or interests. She doesn't do anything at all. She hasn't worked for about 30 years and all of her interests have gradually fallen by the wayside in the last ten years. She isn't interested in clothes or cosmetics, no television programs, doesn't watch films, doesn't garden. She does read thriller type detective novels but wouldn't use a Kindle.

The last few years I have bought her presents that she has tonelessly said "Thanks" for... Only for me to see them later in the box for the charity shop. These have been good quality items that I honestly thought she might like, that I have spent time thinking up and getting.

By the way, when she buys presents for me and DH she is very stroppy about it if I don't specify exactly what we would like - to the point of sending a link. I don't mind doing this, I feel that it is better as we are all adults that we get presents that we genuinely want. But a bit of help the other way would be appreciated, or at least try to look grateful for what I have ought her if she can't be bothered to think what she would like!

What can I do here? Anyone else having a similar problem?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/12/2013 16:13

Definitely :) I've also had gifts I've given, re-wrapped and given back to me. So gifts are now chosen on the basis of being either consumable (food, toiletries, pots of bulbs etc) or things I would quite like if they are ever re-cycled. So this year it's some lovely Jo Malone handwash and moisturiser.... which would look lovely in my bathroom so let's hope she hates them. Wink

RandomMess · 15/12/2013 16:19

Can you agree to have a no presents for adults anymore????

Saves a lot of stress!

ZeroSomeFestiveGameThingy · 15/12/2013 16:19

But what do you think is the problem?

Because I could send you links to 50 things that might be suitable - but it sounds as if you're saying your mother is incapable of enjoying giving and receiving.

Is she depressed or in poor health?

pippop1 · 15/12/2013 16:21

A voucher for a department store so she can choose her own gift? You could go with her and have a day out?

littleredsquirrel · 15/12/2013 16:26

I agree with others in that no presents for adults is the way to go. If you REALLY have to then just give her vouchers for John lewis or somewhere else where she'll have a big choice of what to spend them on.

cuttingpicassostoenails · 15/12/2013 18:48

Ooohhh...she's very good at keeping you wrongfooted isn't she?

RandomMess · 15/12/2013 19:01

My other suggestion would be that you go for a meal/day out somewhere together in lieu of gift giving. Thats is if there is something that you would all enjoy?

SatinSandals · 15/12/2013 19:34

I would take her out for the day. Wrap a box on the day and put in 'I promise to take you.......... in January'.

Original poster
Souper · 15/12/2013 20:25

Thanks for all the replies. I really wasn't expecting you guys to come up with a present idea for her - that would be a very tall order! I think I just want to discuss this and why it is upsetting me. Briefly why some of the suggestions wouldn't work:

I have never tried vouchers but I think she might cry at those too because I didn't care enough to choose a present. Also, she hardly ever goes shopping to a shopping centre or high street. I have posted about this in Style and Beauty too tonight. Despite not being short of money we would never shop for clothes and things in high street stores when I was growing up. She had a couple of factory seconds shops that she liked and also used to buy things at markets or in the supermarket. Nowadays she shops a lot in TK Maxx. I think she likes the perception of a bargain. (Actually that might be an idea... Do TK Maxx do vouchers?!). The idea of buying her John Lewis vouchers.... No way would she ever ever spend them on ANYTHING.

The other thing is that she is both a snob and an inverse snob at the same time. For example, she might compliment me on an item of clothing I am wearing. If I said "thanks, I got it from Primark" she would curl her lip. If I said "thanks, I got it from Harrods" she would curl her lip. Either scenario is completely possible, by the way - I shop very eclectically!

Having a no presents for adults agreement would be lovely and I would completely suggest this, except that we have a very small family and my DM and DF never ever buy presents for each other. If I didn't buy them something birthdays and Christmas would effectively not really occur for them. They will be coming to my house for Christmas and I feel like there needs to be a bit of adult present exchanging otherwise literally the only person opening things would be DS.

I suppose the other relevant part to this is that we don't live very close - about three hours' drive away so we see each other about once a month. She has not driven on motorways for many years and actually stopped driving altogether about 18 months ago when DF retired and is around to chauffeur her around. So she comes to my house very rarely.

I do have an excellent present idea up my sleeve for when DS is a bit older - I thought we could all go together to see a show in London. I do think that will genuinely be a good present but he is a bit young yet.

Zero she is not in the best health but she would deny it if you asked her. For example she hides her medication and thinks nobody knows she takes it. She is deeply distrustful of doctors and only sees one basically kicking and screaming when she is at death's door. I think there is a very good chance that she is depressed but what on earth could I do to help? She would categorically deny it, will not take advice, would certainly not seek help from a HCP or try to help herself.

OP posts:
SatinSandals · 15/12/2013 20:28

How about a smart afternoon tea out?

RandomMess · 15/12/2013 20:29

Urgh tbh she sounds manipulative? It doesn't matter how much thought and care you take it won't be good enough.

How about a "voucher" for a family trip to a local petting farm/zoo? I think TKMaxx may do vouchers...

Small plant as a physical gift?

DRivingHOLMESforChristmas · 15/12/2013 20:34

A hamper of nice food?

plantsitter · 15/12/2013 20:35

This isn't going to fix her manipulative ways (which is really the problem), but what about a book subscription? You could specify thriller-type detective novels.

If she likes it, get the same thing again. Every year. But she won't... will she?

ExitPursuedByAChristmasGrinch · 15/12/2013 20:35

Could you not take her to a show just the two of you?

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 15/12/2013 20:36

She sounds very passive aggressive. I would stop overthinking the gift. Face it, it will never ever be the right one, ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. Grin

When you get your head round that it actually gets really simple. Get her anyone of the lovely suggestions above and do not give it another thought.

Badvocatyuletide · 15/12/2013 20:36

Was just going to suggest a Food hamper!

RandomMess · 15/12/2013 20:36

TBH if she asks you for specifics and wants a link, ask her for the same? Perhaps that is what she wants - for you to buy her what she wants!

RandomMess · 15/12/2013 20:37

I was about to post what Lumpy said. Accept it' won't be good enough, buy her something and not give it another thought.

Original poster
Souper · 15/12/2013 20:47

Guys you are not going to believe this, I swear it is like I am inventing this as I go along in response to your suggestions. A food hamper would be met with derision because she basically hardly eats. Her BMI is probably around 17... or even less maybe.

She does like white wine and I thought about getting her a crate of lovely wine but because of the inverse snobbery I don't think she would drink it. If we go out for a lunch or something she won't allow me to get her a glass of anything other than the cheapest wine.

I know that this is just a symptom of other issues and I am filling up reading your assessment of her being manipulative. I think she is but it is only recently that I am starting to see this. I don't understand what is going on with her but I would love to! I have been reading some other threads in relationships to try to see if she falls into a pattern but perhaps I am too close to the situation to see it. For example, she doesn't seem to be a narcissist personality type as far as I understand it. Then maybe I could read some books to help me to deal with the situation.

For what it is worth, this sort of thing has only really started since I have been an adult and left home. I think we had a pretty good relationship during my childhood, although in fairness I was really not challenging! I always did very well in school, never had a boyfriend until I was 18, and spent all my free time doing well in a hobby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Souper · 15/12/2013 20:48

Random when I ask her what she wants and to send a link she sighs and says she doesn't want anything.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/12/2013 20:52

Let her play the martyr and call her on it?

or let there be a no presents for adult thing, lastly a photo of ds... because to be ungrateful for that????

Cabrinha · 15/12/2013 21:16

What's she like the rest of the time? I can't really work out whether you have a good relationship or not. It sounds like you do / or did. I'm tending towards depressed or just aimless rather than manipulative.
You make it sound like her life is very dull.
I'd be upfront and say you've no idea what to get, and would she like to come to a show with you? Possibly spending time with you is worth more to her than any gift.
If she's awkward about that - a flat no, martyred, snobbish etc - then tell her you've no idea so how about you go for lunch after Xmas and hit TXMaxx? If she says no, go with your case of wine idea but tell yourself in advance that you won't be getting her up by the response.

If she's generally been a good mum, I'd try to talk to her. Tell her she sounds so flat about presents and seems to get no joy from them - and you're worried.

If she's the martyr type, it won't change her but you can then move to doing a case of wine every year know

Cabrinha · 15/12/2013 21:16

knowing you've done what you can.

lightningstrikes · 15/12/2013 21:17

Hmm, she does sound manipulative and probably depressed. She may not realise she is being a bit of a cow though. I think I'd take the no-nonsense approach and call her on it and put it in her court. Something along 'I find it really hard to buy for you. I need you to give me some ideas and 'nothing' is not an option.' If she still says nothing, state again it is not an option and if she doesn't tell you what she wants you will be giving her wine / food hamper / book of the month club. Then you do that and don't feel bad as you did give her a choice and you have confirmation that she is just being difficult, so you no longer need to worry about it.

FWIW I'm getting my mother a 'bike seat for ladies' as she requested and a CD I know she'll like.

SantasSisterdoesallthepresents · 15/12/2013 21:20

What about an experience, rather than a gift? A show, concert, trip out to a restaurant? That way, she can see you and, even if she doesn't like it, you might get to do something you want to do.

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