Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My best friend just turned up with the police...

82 replies

hellowonderful · 15/12/2013 02:07

My best friend just turned up escorted by the police smelling of blood, wine and bawling her eyes out. She said her boyfriend had kicked the shit out of her outside the flat this evening.

After lots of crying she told me he left her in town and she stayed with friends. He came back and told her not to come to his and when she got there he opened the door and kicked her in the stomach, pushed her head into a wall and dragged her across the ground while she was crying just to be let in. The neighbours saw and called the police and she ended up at my door at 12:45am.

Her boyfriend is a long term friend of mine and my DH so I called him. Apparently she hit him in town so he left and walked home. She was already there when he got there and started beating him up. She got into the flat and threw a fabric wardrobe at him and he snapped and started dragging her across the floor. When he got to the door the police were there who manhandled him as they were told it was a male on female domestic violence incident and she came back time.

Right now I've calmed her down and got her to sleep on the sofa. He is calmly spoken but I can tell he's seething my angry and doesn't want to know about her at all.

I'm just looking for advice on how to support really. I don't think I'll ever get the full story and I know my friend has a history of violence as does he but I thought it was very much dealt with and in the past. They're both our friends and while DH is sleeping I'm worrying here. DC's didn't get woken up by the wailing thank God.

Hmm
OP posts:
Original poster
hellowonderful · 15/12/2013 02:10

Just to add neither of them were arrested or wanted to press charges but the police have advised them not to see each other tonight. My friend tried to phone him and was begging to go back to his flat but I know if she does it would end up in trouble not just with the police so I've hidden the front door keys. Both have had a lot to drink as we had a few glasses of wine around 7 before they left at 8 from my house this evening and they went out from there.

My friend lives with her mum who is on night shifts right now but often stays with her boyfriend. They've known each other for ten years and have been together for four months.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 15/12/2013 02:14

She's your 'best friend'? It sounds like you despise her. You're a bit quick to take her partner's side and believe him rather than her, even though the police are treating her as the victim of an assault, rather than the instigator.
OK, if she has a long history of difficult or violent behaviour it's understandable that you have had enough, or if this is one of those ghastly relationships where the couple regularly get pissed and batter each other, and you know that he's going to be weeping on the doorstep with a bunch of roses tomorrow and that she will fall into his arms and they'll rush off home for make-up sex, and the whole cycle will repeat in a fortnight, then fair enough.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 15/12/2013 02:15

What a mess :(

Both quite different stories though - who are you inclined to believe?

I hope your friendship with them both survives if they split up - if that's what you want.

No advice - other than to try and get some sleep, it is going to be a long day!

SolidGoldBrass · 15/12/2013 02:16

Xpost. So, if you've known them both for 10 years, have they both been violent/pissed-up drama llamas in their previous relationships?

Lighthousekeeping · 15/12/2013 02:19

It says in the op that they both have history for this.

SqueakyCleanLibertine · 15/12/2013 02:21

Urgh what a nightmare, they both need to have a word with themselves don't they? How old are they?

Had this happened before? You being dragged into it I mean?

Original poster
hellowonderful · 15/12/2013 02:22

I'm not taking sides at all. I love her with all my heart and love her as a person so I hope I didn't come across as taking his side. I haven't seen him since early this evening but all I know is that my best friend is a mess with physical injuries and he seemed calm but very angry and tense when I spoke to him.

He grew up with a violent mother and won't stand for violent women so I have no doubt that he snapped and caused these injuries at all but I also know in previous relationships my best friend has been violent towards her partner and they have bed violent towards her. From her injuries there seemed to be no mention on his side of him causing them but they are very real and she was so very emotional about it all Hmm

I don't know what's going to happen in their relationship because I can see there is wrong on both sides but as to who started it or did the most I don't think I will ever know for sure. I just want to make sure I'm giving her the best support and not drip feeding details here.

OP posts:
Original poster
hellowonderful · 15/12/2013 02:23

They are both early twenties, childless.

OP posts:
Original poster
hellowonderful · 15/12/2013 02:26

Sorry. I keep coming back to read after I post! I've never been dragged in to an argument before. They've never been this violent toward each other as far as I'm aware. There are spats and giving each other space where they ask for advice but no police escorts or this kind of emotion. I'm not sure how to handle it really.

OP posts:
plentyofsoap · 15/12/2013 02:51

Given how drunk she is and given he had not been arrested I would see how much she remembers in a few hours. She would have injuries too. Difficult situation for you.

Original poster
hellowonderful · 15/12/2013 02:56

She's got scrapes all down her back from her shoulders to mid-back, a little blood in her hair (shaved at the back in a very Demi Moore in a Ghost hairstyle) and scrapes on her outer thigh near her bum. She was definitely dragged and hit on the head.

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 15/12/2013 03:10

Perhaps you and DH could spend tomorrow talking to both of them about the merits of splitting up and keeping the a fuck away from each other from now on.

Original poster
hellowonderful · 15/12/2013 03:15

I know that they're madly in love with each other and have been for many years (the circumstances were never right for them, it seemed). Sadly, I think this relationship is toxic and will only end with much worse consequences if this happens again and again.

I'm so torn. I held her while she was sobbing for him. I know what I did was right to protect her from anything more happening tonight but I feel wrong because I know that feeling of just wanting to be close and make up. He's definitely not interested right now and has asked if I can ask DH to pick up the things she has left there tomorrow.

I want to see them both happy and my gut instinct is that tomorrow they'll both make up and things will be fine for a few weeks. I don't want either of them being hurt but when my best friend is sobbing into me with bleeding grazes I can't as a friend tell her it's a good idea to ever go back logically.

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 15/12/2013 03:21

If he didn't want to know I would support him in sticking to that tomorrow.

And suggest they both take time out from being in any relationship until they sort their shit out.

Original poster
hellowonderful · 15/12/2013 03:26

I will. She'll be devastated but I think she just needs people around her to be with her so she's not alone and thinking. She can stay with us as long as she wants as she won't want her mum to know and I may take her out tomorrow if she's up for it just to get out.

I can't imagine being in a situation like this. I'm still awake just watching her sleep like some weird stalker because I'm afraid she'll wake up and automatically head straight to his flat which is only a five minute walk away. I'm going to get some sleep as I have DC's in the morning but it's so difficult when I want to help but can't. It's not really my business.

OP posts:
ravenAK · 15/12/2013 03:34

It does rather seem that she came off worse.

It also sounds like her story is the more believable of the two: if he's claiming that he just dragged her across the floor inside the flat after she attacked him, then you wouldn't expect her to be bashed up & bleeding...

I'd put her to bed & have a proper chat with her in the morning.

I'd also not be contacting the boyfriend until the dust has settled; you'll only get drawn into the recriminations as to who said what/did what.If they split up there's no point going there, & if they fall into each other's arms, then if you're everybody's confidante you'll be expected to sort out their next row, & the next...

About all you can really do is provide a safe place for your mate to sleep tonight, & someone to talk it through with in the morning.

Lweji · 15/12/2013 04:36

It may be odd, but I am somewhat more inclined to believe him. Maybe not the full story, but a good chunk of it.

She is the one desperate to go to his and he went home and wants distance.
She didn't live there, why did she insist on going there and still did after all this?

I'd wait up until she's sober and try to work out what happened from her, as well as talk to friends who may have seen what happened.

In any case, it is a highly unhealthy relationship and I'd be advising her to stay well clear of him. And him of her.

Santaspelvicfloor · 15/12/2013 05:36

I don't think it matters who did what at this point because the end result is the same. The relationship should end.

The police are involved. There were witnesses. Let them sort it out.

I wouldn't continue a friendship with this man. Her injuries suggest he violently attacked her and that would be an utter deal breaker for me.

If he is also physically injured I'd be he same about her.

My main focus would be n making woman see that her relationship is wrong and she needs help (like Freedom Programme) to avoid being in this sort of situation again. That is not victim blaming. It's recognising that some people make the same choice in partner

paxtecum · 15/12/2013 06:17

They are toxic together.

They may be in love but they are toxic together.

I've seen someone in this sort of violent relationship.
It didn't improve.

He is in prison for 5 years for GBH after trying to strangle her.

He finished the relationship, she wanted to get back together, so moved 200yds from him and put loads of stuff on FB to make him jealous.

Lizzabadger · 15/12/2013 06:30

Honestly I'd stay well away from both of them and make some calmer more normal friends.

Meltingsnowman · 15/12/2013 08:04

It may be odd, but I am somewhat more inclined to believe him. Maybe not the full story, but a good chunk of it.
She is the one desperate to go to his and he went home and wants distance.
She didn't live there, why did she insist on going there and still did after all this?

Just because she is desperate to go to his and he wants distance, that means nothing at all. I've seen (through previous work) women beaten to a pulp that only wanted to get back to the male. The male would play it cool because he knew the woman was conditioned to come running.

At this point who to believe is irrelevant. Whether or not she attacked him (and obviously if she did, that's not on), he has admitted he dragged her across the room, which I think we can agree is wrong. She needs to stay away from him either way, no matter which version is the correct one.

lljkk · 15/12/2013 08:11

I wouldn't take sides, they both could have walked away from what little you know did happen, and there is No Way you have full story at this point. Even the courts would have a devil of a time sorting out what really happened.

They aren't good together and I would encourage both to stay apart.

Spottybra · 15/12/2013 08:13

I'm probably going to get slated but how much of a role did alcohol play in this? And her previous instances of violence?

They are both in the wrong and need a good talking to about their ability to handle alcohol if this is the result.

theladyrainy · 15/12/2013 08:19

The neighbours witnessed him being violent to her outside the home based on your OP. I'm not sure what a fabric wardrobe is, but how exactly did she beat him up as he has claimed? The details aren't clear in the OP.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2013 08:23

May I ask how old you are now?.

Why are you friends still with either of them?. I think you need some new friends as of now. I presume this lady gave the police your address because she had nowhere else to go.

Both of them saw violence within the home when they were growing up and you are now seeing two very damaged adults who both use violence against each other. You need to keep well away from this and not have such trouble visit your home.