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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My best friend just turned up with the police...

82 replies

hellowonderful · 15/12/2013 02:07

My best friend just turned up escorted by the police smelling of blood, wine and bawling her eyes out. She said her boyfriend had kicked the shit out of her outside the flat this evening.

After lots of crying she told me he left her in town and she stayed with friends. He came back and told her not to come to his and when she got there he opened the door and kicked her in the stomach, pushed her head into a wall and dragged her across the ground while she was crying just to be let in. The neighbours saw and called the police and she ended up at my door at 12:45am.

Her boyfriend is a long term friend of mine and my DH so I called him. Apparently she hit him in town so he left and walked home. She was already there when he got there and started beating him up. She got into the flat and threw a fabric wardrobe at him and he snapped and started dragging her across the floor. When he got to the door the police were there who manhandled him as they were told it was a male on female domestic violence incident and she came back time.

Right now I've calmed her down and got her to sleep on the sofa. He is calmly spoken but I can tell he's seething my angry and doesn't want to know about her at all.

I'm just looking for advice on how to support really. I don't think I'll ever get the full story and I know my friend has a history of violence as does he but I thought it was very much dealt with and in the past. They're both our friends and while DH is sleeping I'm worrying here. DC's didn't get woken up by the wailing thank God.

OP posts:

moralimbecile · 15/12/2013 16:00

It's easy to get sucked in. Don't beat yourself up because you have tried to do the right thing and help a friend.

They don't want help, they want you to keep validating, enabling and ultimately giving them a stage on which to play out their toxic shit.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2013 16:02

"I don't mind helping her but I have two young DC's and a DH who wouldn't hesitate to end up in trouble if anyone started a scene here to protect them which we obviously don't want".

You think you're helping?. You are this lady's enabler and enabling helps no-one least of all her. It just gives you a false sense of control. What are you getting out of this exactly?. A need to try and rescue and save someone from their own self?. That never works out well for anyone.

"They'll come around tomorrow and I'll tell them both that while I'm happy to support them both I can't do that anymore"

Do not have them at all visit your house. Why invite trouble like this into your home at all?.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 15/12/2013 16:02

Why are you friends with them? They both sound awful. Stop seeing them.

You have two DCs. Why don't you think about them and the kind of thing they will be witnessing growing up? Do you want them to think it's normal and mummy and daddy condone that kind of behaviour?

moralimbecile · 15/12/2013 16:07

How dare they come and visit and expect your blessing? Wtf? Do they expect you to bake a cake? Afterbringing all this trouble to your home, your family?

Fuck right off!

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 15/12/2013 16:11

I think any man who beats up a woman is scum snd would not be my friend, even if she " started it".

I would break of friendship with him.

olathelawyer05 · 15/12/2013 16:49

"..I think any man who beats up a woman is scum snd would not be my friend, even if she " started it"...."

Yes, we know women are allowed to be violent and can expect no natural consequences...

Lighthousekeeping · 15/12/2013 16:49

Both of them. Do not entertain them tomorrow. You would be a fool to stay friends with them.

moralimbecile · 15/12/2013 17:01

If you allow them to visit you, you will end up being the 3rd person in their relationship, and they will become ever more reliant on your misguided support. Without you, their relationship may lose power and ebb away

Detach yourself from this performance.

Hogwash · 15/12/2013 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moralimbecile · 15/12/2013 17:11

The violence is very much alive and kicking. Literally.

Avoid.

Original poster

hellowonderful · 15/12/2013 17:18

They've never argued or bed violent toward each other in my home although I know they have argued together.

I don't want my children around it whatsoever. They've always bed a fantastic pair around me and my children both before and after they solidified their romantic involvement. I have never had a part in any of their arguments until last night and now I'm not sure how to play it. I definitely don't want this happening again and I have told them both in no uncertain terms that while I am both here for them as a friend I will not be there in that capacity for either of them.

OP posts:

Original poster

hellowonderful · 15/12/2013 17:23

I thought the violence was in the past because my male friend had a lot of counselling and professional help to aid him in processing the trauma of the past and hasn't had an incident for over six years with anyone, male or female.

In regards to my best friend, that was a sweeping statement. The violence is very much alive but not always present to my knowledge.

OP posts:

MonkeysInTheFog · 15/12/2013 17:25

"....not sure how to play it". Ah. I see. So it IS a lovely big drama for you to have a starring part in.

Fair enough. Enjoy.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 15/12/2013 17:28

I don't want my children around it whatsoever. They've always bed a fantastic pair around me and my children both before and after they solidified their romantic involvement.

Solidified their romantic involvement? By beating the crap out of each other?

I have told them both in no uncertain terms that while I am both here for them as a friend I will not be there in that capacity for either of them.

That sentence doesn't even make sense.

You sound deluded. I agree with Monkey. I feel sorry for your poor kids.

Original poster

hellowonderful · 15/12/2013 17:36

Of course it isn't. I've explained that while we are happy to stay friends we don't want any kind of involvement in arguments or drama that are between the two of them so we won't be playing mediator or giving one or the other a place to stay if this happens again. I'm happy to be a shoulder to cry on but not like this. This is silly, I'm being take advantage of and it's detrimental to my family.

They are both adults. They have made their choice to stay together even if I don't think it's the right choice and they know that me and DH won't be around to help or pick up the pieces if it does all go wrong again as we are of the opinion that this relationship shouldn't continue at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

hellowonderful · 15/12/2013 17:41

I'm definitely not the kind of person to love being in the centre of drama of my own making, let alone someone else's. I just wanted to find a way where we could all stay friends as my friendship with her is extremely important to me without the risk of this happening around me. It would be fantastic if everyone got along and nothing like this ever happened again but I know that it probably will and I'm trying to make sure myself, DH and children are removed from any kind of negativity they have with themselves.

I don't think it's a case of my poor children or that I'm deluded. I know full well it will happen again and I want no more to do with their relationship troubles.

OP posts:

PacifistDingDong · 15/12/2013 17:44

I think what you have to accept is that you cannot truly help them.
Only they can attempt to change their respective behaviours.

I'd tread v carefully.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2013 17:47

"I just wanted to find a way where we could all stay friends as my friendship with her is extremely important to me"

Why is this particular friendship so important to you?. What needs of yours does she meet?.

This scenario you describe above will not happen as long as they are together at all.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/12/2013 17:54

"I just wanted to find a way where we could all stay friends as my friendship with her is extremely important to me"

Why?

Is she your sister?

Original poster

hellowonderful · 15/12/2013 17:54

She's been my closest friend for many years. She's very supportive, is a fantastic shoulder to cry on and seems to truly understand me. We have common interests, we learn from each other as we're kind of in the same field, we have a lot of fun together and she's supported me through many bad periods in my life and is generally like family. Even DH comments on how we're more like sisters than friends and I'm very close to her mum too. It's heartbreaking to see this route again as it's like the last terrible relationship that she finally saw sends and broke free of last year. This time we all thought it would be different as our male friend is such a genuine person - or so we have thought for years.

We all get a lot from our relationships together and this has really blurred those lines for DH and I as we've seen a very dark side and know that to keep ourselves out of it we cannot intrude other than to advise the relationship doesn't go on and that they both need help.

OP posts:

MonkeysInTheFog · 15/12/2013 17:54

But that's the point.

Normal people don't WANT to stay friends with people who have a history of violence towards others. They certainly don't want their children near such people.

Whereas you're keen to stay friends with this dreadful pair for some ridiculous reason.

Original poster

hellowonderful · 15/12/2013 17:56

I'm happy to accept that. If this were another friend I would agree with you and I do still but my head is telling me to ditch and run while my heart is saying she needs help and she's always been there for me no matter the situation.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 15/12/2013 17:57

This is one area of her life you cant help.

springythatlldofornow · 15/12/2013 18:01

Blimey, crap advice. You're the most sensible on the thread OP - you know exactly what to do but you were looking for advice and support last night in a very shocking situation. I'm sorry you didn't get it, it must have been awful and very upsetting last night.

Some people are fucked up peeps, get over it.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/12/2013 18:04

Yes, springy, you are too late, what a shame. Everything would have been different if only you had come to tell us then that we are all wrong and give crap advice.

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