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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My best friend just turned up with the police...

82 replies

hellowonderful · 15/12/2013 02:07

My best friend just turned up escorted by the police smelling of blood, wine and bawling her eyes out. She said her boyfriend had kicked the shit out of her outside the flat this evening.

After lots of crying she told me he left her in town and she stayed with friends. He came back and told her not to come to his and when she got there he opened the door and kicked her in the stomach, pushed her head into a wall and dragged her across the ground while she was crying just to be let in. The neighbours saw and called the police and she ended up at my door at 12:45am.

Her boyfriend is a long term friend of mine and my DH so I called him. Apparently she hit him in town so he left and walked home. She was already there when he got there and started beating him up. She got into the flat and threw a fabric wardrobe at him and he snapped and started dragging her across the floor. When he got to the door the police were there who manhandled him as they were told it was a male on female domestic violence incident and she came back time.

Right now I've calmed her down and got her to sleep on the sofa. He is calmly spoken but I can tell he's seething my angry and doesn't want to know about her at all.

I'm just looking for advice on how to support really. I don't think I'll ever get the full story and I know my friend has a history of violence as does he but I thought it was very much dealt with and in the past. They're both our friends and while DH is sleeping I'm worrying here. DC's didn't get woken up by the wailing thank God.

Hmm
OP posts:
Tapiocapearl · 15/12/2013 09:00

Do things generally happen when they are drunk? Do thy need to stop drinking permanently.

She seriously needs anger management/councelling and he probably needs the same if he is physical regularly.

Tapiocapearl · 15/12/2013 09:06

Actually on reflection Id want to know what she was doing to beat him up because it maybe that she has sustained significant injuries while he has no injuries to show. If be questioning if he reacted very heavy handed/extremely to a few light punches.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/12/2013 09:08

I agree with Attilla.

Dump them both. They are adults, if they want to get drunk and beat the shit out of eachother, let them. But not on your doorstep.

Consoling and talking is just normalizing and will enable them to continue, seeking refuge at yours.

Tell your friend firmly that this is fucked up, and you will have none of this nonsense on your doorstep, tell her to sort herself out, end the relationship and get some counselling.

Meerka · 15/12/2013 09:22

Think spottybra has a good point.

and yes, they both need to get their act together - but well away from each other.

Lazyjaney · 15/12/2013 09:23

I had 2 friends like this, couldn't live without each other/couldn't live with each other, and every so often it would erupt big time. Both their stories are probably equally true and false.

It's very wearying on their friends though, because you never knew where they were in their cycle, the blowups can be very upsetting to you, but they inevitably get together again so if you helped one the other was miffed etc etc.

I moved to another city for work so that solved it for me, but in general I think disengaging is best.

Lweji · 15/12/2013 09:36

Regardless of gender, if someone tells you to stay away and you don't, that's harassment. It's not escusamos in women or men.

If someone (partner or not) had entered my house without my consent (or even with consent) and was physically violent in it and wouln't leave, I would probably use as much force as necessay to keep them out.

We don't know he was not injured. And he wasn't arrested.

But I'd be telling her to press charges if indeed it happened as she said and to never contact him again. And I would not be taking her in again if she kept chasing him.
And be pointing her in the direction of anger management counselling and AA.

Lweji · 15/12/2013 09:37

It's not excusable... (automatic correction fail)

FalalalalalalaFiggy · 15/12/2013 09:44

Make it clear to them you want nothing to do with it and if it were me I'd be telling them to split up as they both sound as bad as each other. I doubt you'll ever get to bottom of what happened so neutral position must be best

weregoingtothezoo · 15/12/2013 11:05

Taking her in at night once is fine, is part of being a good friend. You did just right last night. But don't sign yourself up for doing it repeatedly. You need to make it clear that is not on offer. You don't want your children waking up to her more than this once - because however much you feed them a milder version they will know something is not right.

Lweji's post at 9:36 is spot on (and I quite like the segue into Spanish!) in my opinion.

olathelawyer05 · 15/12/2013 12:31

"...he left her in town and she stayed with friends. He came back and told her not to come to his and when she got there he opened the door and kicked her in the stomach, pushed her head into a wall and dragged her across the ground while she was crying just to be let in"

"...My friend tried to phone him and was begging to go back to his flat"

"...I held her while she was sobbing for him.... He's definitely not interested right now and has asked if I can ask DH to pick up the things she has left there tomorrow"

So, he walked away and asked her not to come to his. She decided to go anyway, and he just initiated a random violent assault when she got there, amounting it seems to GBH. She then finds 'sanctuary' at yours.... but wants to go back to him and is pining for him.... while he doesn't want to know...

Either he's a master manipulator with Jedi powers, or her story - in which she is undoubtedly the victim - is frankly full of sh*t.

Losing the physical fight with a physically stronger opponent (as he probably was) doesn't make her the victim of the story. He's probably right to want rid of her, and I suspect they'd do better away from each other.

Original poster
hellowonderful · 15/12/2013 13:55

I'm in my mid-twenties and yes, i do think alcohol is a major contributing factor. Usually they're not like this at all even when they're drinking so it was a shock to me when she turned up here.

According to her texts they've made up. I've expressed my concerns but they're adults and can make their own choices.

OP posts:
moralimbecile · 15/12/2013 14:23

Don't let her drag you into this again. She has made her choice, a poor one, and this is not your responsibility. If she comes to your door again, call the police, let them deal with it. There is a lot of drama here, and you must not let this impact on you.

Remember that in the end this will always upset you more than her. Been there, know the script well. She has no consideration or respect for your feelings.

moralimbecile · 15/12/2013 14:26

If you discreetly ring the police if she does this again, you can bet your bottom dollar she won't pull a stunt like this again. No need for you to be involved in this.

It is drastic, but you will find no better way of setting a strict boundary for this behaviour.

Don't get roped in.

Original poster
hellowonderful · 15/12/2013 14:55

I don't mind helping her but I have two young DC's and a DH who wouldn't hesitate to end up in trouble if anyone started a scene here to protect them which we obviously don't want.

They'll come around tomorrow and I'll tell them both that while I'm happy to support them both I can't do that anymore Hmm

OP posts:
Lighthousekeeping · 15/12/2013 15:12

They'll come around acting like nothing has happened?

I would tell them both to f right off to be honest. I wouldn't even entertain either of them.

moralimbecile · 15/12/2013 15:20

It's just so bloody selfish. Would you do that? To someone with young children? Would she do this for you? I doubt it.

They are both toxic. Just start to distance yourself, find new friends, and most importantly stop being available as a shoulder to cry on, or more accurately, an emotional punchbag.

It's not on is it? Do you want your dc to think this is normal?

Yes, tell her you can't be there. If she can't accept that graciously then that will tell you a lot.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 15/12/2013 15:20

I would be keeping my distance if I were you. They sound bad news.

Imagine them having a dc? Awful.

moralimbecile · 15/12/2013 15:21

Him too. Fuck that. Tell them when they're both there too, so you can't be misquoted.

moralimbecile · 15/12/2013 15:23

Can you imagine if your husband got into bother with the police due to this? It's so toxic, and it just spreads out and affects everyone

Ditch.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 15/12/2013 15:26

They both sound immature and that the like the drama. He told her to leave him alone and she didn't, why not?

The obviously can't handle drink and being together.

PacifistDingDong · 15/12/2013 15:27

They both sound... troubled.
They are both problem drinkers - maybe not physically addicted to alcohol, but drinking disinhibits them enough that they display damaging behaviour.

I think you are a good friend for having given her shelter last night, but you should watch that you don't get drawn into their dysfunctional relationship. I would be worried if a friend turned up drunk and wailing at my door step and my children were in the house and would not wish a repeat performance.
She needs to have a long hard look at herself and so does he.

Alcohol disinhibits, it does not make you a different person from who you normally are. They both have previous form for violence.

I'd keep my distance tbh.

MonkeysInTheFog · 15/12/2013 15:31

They both sound awful. If any of my friends turned out to be like that I'd be dumping them quick smart.

They've both got form for being violent you say? How vulgar. Why would you want to associate with such people?

moralimbecile · 15/12/2013 15:33

You could write an email to them both to say you want no further involvement in their drama.

Boundaries.

MonkeysInTheFog · 15/12/2013 15:33

Just re-read and you say this is your BEST friend?!

Doesn't say much for the others, does it?!

QuintessentialShadows · 15/12/2013 15:55

Why are they coming around tomorrow? To prolong their drama? Draw you in further?

You need to put a stop to this. Or, do YOU enjoy having part in this drama?