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Relationships

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Original poster

Weird new man behaviour...

61 replies

Datingagain · 14/12/2013 15:20

So, have spent most of this year single. I am fussy - and rarely meet anyone I like.

Have done lots of OD this year, met lots of pleasant people, but no-one I hit it off with.

Then, a month ago met someone through work - and bang - was like a bolt from the blue. Butterflies, fireworks - the lot.

Didn't see him for a couple of weeks, but thought about him a lot. He then got in touch, asked to meet up (spurious work grounds) and we got on great. Have been texting non-stop ever since. Went on date last Sat - was completely wonderful.

BUT...since then, he's backed off. Says he has some issues with his ex - and some other "things" he needs to sort out - but that he really, really likes me - and will be back for me.

Obviously told him to leave me be, whilst he sorts his shit out - and that I won't be hanging around waiting.

Only thing is, he has really got to me - I can't stop thinking about him. And am so, so pissed off, that when I finally meet someone I like, this happens.

He has been in touch again since, saying lovely things - but I just don't think I can trust him.

So is he a player - or should I give him the benefit of the doubt when (if) he comes back?

Feel like a teenager again...

OP posts:

LivingWellNow · 14/12/2013 15:30

Well done for sending a clear message about your self worth. Now keep to it.

He might be a player or he might have some unfinished business with his ex. Either way he's coming across as a bloke you might want to swerve.

Personally I'd back right off and see what he does - if he's properly interested in you he'll sort said shit out pronto. If not, well, at least you haven't had your fingers burned.

LivingWellNow · 14/12/2013 15:35

And I mean back RIGHT off. At most I'd tell him again "When you're properly free get in touch, but not before then, good luck" kind of thing.

LastOneDancing · 14/12/2013 15:43

Agree with living well. You're doing totally the right thing by saying 'fine, sort it out & we'll see how I feel when you're free'.

Totally frustrating but who needs the ghost of an ex lingering about? And neither do you need the drama of a player.

Trust your gut! Keep having fun!

MadeMan · 15/12/2013 00:46

Sounds like he's left you at the station and gone back for the baggage.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/12/2013 01:23

Maybe he does have stuff to sort out with his XP. Depending on how recently that relationship ended, she might be pregnant or something - or he might need to file for divorce now that he has met someone (you) that he really likes.
Or he might be a 'harem keeper' ie a man who can't let any of his XPs go, because what gets his bollocks throbbing is to have several women waiting by the phone, wringing their hands and competing to be The One He Loves Best. But, as everyone else has said, telling him that you only want to hear from him if and when he's sorted it all out and is free. And if he does come back and then starts dithering about again, bin him completely, because that will show that he's a player, or a useless wuss who just tells everyone what they want to hear.

beaglesaresweet · 15/12/2013 02:04

if you just had a date, I'd really give hin the benefit of the doubt. He probably does genuinely want to sort stuff to move on with you - that's better than dragging something on without you knowing, it's honest! On te other hand, if he slept with you on that date and THEN talked about slowing down = player.

MistressDeeCee · 15/12/2013 02:10

since then, he's backed off. Says he has some issues with his ex - and some other "things" he needs to sort out - but that he really, really likes me - and will be back for me

erm..no thanks. Id run a mile. I dont do baggage. Or hanging around whilst he decides (in his own sweet time) whether to go back to his ex, or start afresh with someone new. I wouldnt care less what 'things' he has to sort out. As to he will be back for you....he thinks a lot of himself doesnt he? That you will be waiting?

When a man tells you this kind of guff and feels you are ok with it, then he'll just dangle you. Then youve got the spectre of the ex in your relationship, not to mention him using his 'things he has to sort out' as excuse not to be around, and for you to not 'pressure' him.

Im not purposely sounding desultory here but these are huge red flags that shouldnt be there when starting a relationship. Quickest way to a headache for you. Why is he dating you before he's sorted out issues with his supposed ex anyway? Is he in a hurry? Sounds as if you really like him but you wont mourn for lack of him, as he is 'new', so the feelings will go. No..give him a wide berth, there are lots of nice men out there you will meet one, baggage free and ready to see if you and him can hit it off together.

Leavenheath · 15/12/2013 02:37

This sounds to me like the 'ex' isn't an ex at all and he was still in a relationship when you dated.

Have you made any enquiries about him, either with RL people you both know, or online?

Onesleeptillwembley · 15/12/2013 06:24

You'd be better off asking his wife or partner what he's really like.........

MistressDeeCee · 15/12/2013 06:35

^ Yep - exactly that. All saying, you get the chance; he's backed off already. That was quick in terms of starting out and getting to know you. May be a lucky escape for you OP, you need a good man who knows what he's about. I don't feel a man who can't see you because of another woman can offer you much

HelloBoys · 15/12/2013 07:03

It sounds like he has unfinished business/is in love with ex etc.

when I met current BF (approx 5-ish or more weeks depending how long you look at it/when it started) we are very into each other but he has a child from previous relationship and I had to make sure what was over was over etc.

he had pics of his most recent ex-GF on Twitter etc.

we had the big talk the other day about taking down profiles on dating sites, him removing the ex-GF Twitter pics and also why/how the relationship ended with mother of his child (she left him they got together too young, he's 10 years old than her).

but at least I know now what's what there but I haven't gone at it/after it in a mad jealous woman not that I am one, no sirree! way.

Original poster

Datingagain · 15/12/2013 08:10

Thanks for your answers.

I know you're all right, this is just annoying me - and I'm annoyed at myself at how much this guy has got under my skin, after such a short amount of time.

beagle - no, I didn't sleep with him - thankfully, otherwise I'd be feeling even worse about this. Kissed though. A lot.

Leaven - haven't managed to find out anything, not a single thing, about him online - which is ringing a few bells as well, tbh.

solid - you make me laugh! But yes, what you say about his harem could very well ring true...

I am however, supposed to be meeting him for coffee this afternoon, to have a chat (as friends) so that things won't be weird when we next see each other professionally.

Not really sure how to play that - other than to keep it business-like and breezy, and stick to what I've already (repeatedly) said.

Only (other) thing I don't get, is that I have said to him, all I need is the truth. I have asked if he is back with ex - or whatever it is - just be honest. I have given him plenty of opportunities to walk - with no fuss. But he keeps repeating "it's complicated" "but once this is sorted, I so, so want to be with you."

Just can't figure him out. And I have had some years of experience in dealing with dithering, dickhead men. I ought to be able to spot them a mile off by now...

OP posts:

Junebugjr · 15/12/2013 08:26

I think meeting him for a coffee is going to give him a big sign about how you are prepared to dangle waiting for him. And goes against what you've said to him about not bothering until he's free. If he's a player he'll see this as a green light.
Stick to your guns, no contact other than at work until he sorts his shit out, and even then see how YOU feel, if you even want to start dating him, after all this drama crap at the beginning.

Branleuse · 15/12/2013 08:31

its not his ex, its his gf.

He may or may not be trying to break it off with her now somehow, but its not a good sign that he would just because youve turned his head

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 15/12/2013 08:35

I wouldn't meet for a coffee in such spurious grounds.

Text him and say alls well and when you next see him professionally it will be fine.

If he insists then you've got your answer- player type.

Original poster

Datingagain · 15/12/2013 08:44

I know, I know. I probably shouldn't meet him. But I just want to see him once more - and try and figure this out.

He may spin me some more BS, or may have something useful to say - either way, I just want to know.

Do you really think meeting him will give him that sign Jane? I thought if we just met as friends, it wouldn't be like that...

Or am I being stupid? I really do like him...

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 15/12/2013 08:51

Cancel the meeting, and do exactly what has been said. 'If you have unfinished business then spend the time sorting out said business. I'm not interested in being dangled by a string. I'm not looking for a puppet master, but thanks for the offer'.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2013 08:59

"I know, I know. I probably shouldn't meet him. But I just want to see him once more - and try and figure this out.

He may spin me some more BS, or may have something useful to say - either way, I just want to know"

Why do you want to know, you need to examine closely your own reasons for that. You probably on some level blame yourself. He's already told you what the score is and nothing else has changed. Why not look for someone without half a ton of baggage or such complications.

Would urge you to cancel the meeting before you set yourself up again to receive more pain. And no, despise years of experience you can still be taken in; you may well have gone for the same type all the time. To this end I would also suggest you start reading "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood as that could help you as well.

something2say · 15/12/2013 08:59

I'd find out what the baggage is.

He may be a really decent man, knowing it would be wrong to engage your feelings if its too early.

Then again he might be a fuck wit. You'll have to find that out.

Go along, listen, and take it from there. But be prepared to have no contact for a while if what he's under dictates that.

Good luck!

Mintyfrog · 15/12/2013 09:04

You're already falling into the pattern - he's got you dangling already that's why you're dithering over meeting him.
He's a player. Sorry.
Run for the hills !

rainbowfeet · 15/12/2013 09:14

I feel your pain op.. But yes red flag there... I'd look at it as if I really liked someone it wouldn't matter what else was going on in my life I'd make sure I didn't let that person go!!.. & in fact spending time with them would help me forget any other stresses!

I have been single on & off for nearly 6 years. & can conclude that... Most men on the dating scene are utter shits... The ones who like you & are very keen are the ones you don't like that much. & the ones that make you have butterflies don't like you!!! Sod's law & just horrible!!.. I am resigned to a life of singledom

LovesBaublingTheTreeAgain · 15/12/2013 09:15

I would cancel tbh but if you really must go tell him when you arrive you've double booked and can only stay for 10 minutes and then leave.

You are not going to figure this out and have to accept that you wont ever get the whole story.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 15/12/2013 09:16

C'mon! You are not meeting as "friends"

Really, if he is a good man in a tricky situation, he will leave you be and then come back when he's properly ready.

Nishky · 15/12/2013 09:21

Another vote for cancelling the meeting here

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 15/12/2013 09:25

he really, really likes me - and will be back for me.

If anyone said that to me, they could get to fuck. He is playing power games. Don't meet him for coffee.

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