Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Weird new man behaviour...

61 replies

Datingagain · 14/12/2013 15:20

So, have spent most of this year single. I am fussy - and rarely meet anyone I like.

Have done lots of OD this year, met lots of pleasant people, but no-one I hit it off with.

Then, a month ago met someone through work - and bang - was like a bolt from the blue. Butterflies, fireworks - the lot.

Didn't see him for a couple of weeks, but thought about him a lot. He then got in touch, asked to meet up (spurious work grounds) and we got on great. Have been texting non-stop ever since. Went on date last Sat - was completely wonderful.

BUT...since then, he's backed off. Says he has some issues with his ex - and some other "things" he needs to sort out - but that he really, really likes me - and will be back for me.

Obviously told him to leave me be, whilst he sorts his shit out - and that I won't be hanging around waiting.

Only thing is, he has really got to me - I can't stop thinking about him. And am so, so pissed off, that when I finally meet someone I like, this happens.

He has been in touch again since, saying lovely things - but I just don't think I can trust him.

So is he a player - or should I give him the benefit of the doubt when (if) he comes back?

Feel like a teenager again...

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 15/12/2013 10:20

He just wants to have 2 women going on at once. That he cannot be honest early in the game is a massive warning sign. (He cannot be honest because if he told you the truth you'd be off.)

There's no point trying to find out what's going on, if he hasn't told you by now, he's not worth your time. And you're unlikely to find out over coffee.

It's a bummer that you had great chemistry, but for a relationship to work he needs to have a great character too, and he doesn't.

Anniegetyourgun · 15/12/2013 10:59

My sister glanced over my shoulder at

he really, really likes me - and will be back for me.

and went "Nooooooo!" with a side order of "keeping you tucked in the sock in case the other one doesn't work out". She didn't have to read the rest.

TalkativeJim · 15/12/2013 11:25

You think you should meet to find out more?

Why don't you NOT meet so that he can 'find out more' about you, ie that you aren't up for being played?

Seriously, if so far you've been fobbed off from ANY explanation other than 'it's complicated' then it's not complicated at all - he's in another relationship. So on the TINY off chance that he's not a player, and one to potentially see in your future - best signal to give now is total 'no dice'. And if he is a player - 99% chance of this I reckon!- then the answer is the same!

Cancel.

Cabrinha · 15/12/2013 11:36

Do you a man treating you like you have shit for brains?
"It's complicated" - um, how flipping patronising!
So - we all know it's not complicated at all.
But if it was... seriously - you want to date someone who thinks you're too stupid to understand?
No way.
You're being set up for "I love you, but I can't leave her, just yet".
Sorry :(

LadyMud · 15/12/2013 12:01

If anyone ever wondered how a seemingly"nice girl" becomes the OW, then just watch this thread develop . . .

Datingagain, you are displaying a mixture of arrogance and gullibility, which will get you into trouble - in your personal life, and maybe also at work.
Yes, the drama is intoxicating, of course it is. But it's just part of "being played".

garlicbaubles · 15/12/2013 12:37

Excellent points well made, LadyMud.

HelloBoys · 15/12/2013 13:07

IMO/ime for 2 people to be together happily the liking has to be moreorless equal on both sides. Well you can like someone more but more often or not when you're desperate, not been in a relationship etc men smell this like blood and can v easily take advantage. Trust me I've been there.

I can honestly say my latest relationship though its moving fast he tells me he loves me (I love him too) we are moreorless on same page and wanting it to play out the same way.

This man really does sound like he wants either the ex or worse an OW.

Think v carefully OP when you meet him and speak to him please.

beaglesaresweet · 15/12/2013 13:46

I wouldn't be condamning him as a player at all at this point. OP hasn't met him online, but unexpectedly through work. He may well have been goiung through something with his ex already before/at the same time as he met OP. It's not the same as deliberately looking for dates while still dealing with the ex. She may be the ex, not a GF (maybe ex wife or someone he shared a home with).
This happened out of the blue for both of them, and it's absolutely usual that people do not have to be 'slate clean' ready from minute one! Life IS complex. I can't see anything nad from hom so far, he hasn't slept with OP, and has been honest - he could have easily concealed all this while going on further dates and getting involved sexually. It shows that ge does respect her and it looks like this coffee date is to fill her in on the situation properly, if she wants to hear.
I'd go OP, but obviously no kissing etc, just try to listen and observe objectively, see whether he explains all. There aer no guarantees that this will work even once he sorts stuff out, so try not to fantasise, just be busy with your own life while he sorts things out, and then go slowly.

beaglesaresweet · 15/12/2013 13:49

what I meant by ex who he shared home with - they may be in hth process of splitting a home, or something financial.

FunkyBoldRibena · 15/12/2013 13:55

Yes we get that Beagle. The issue is the OP not being also able to get it because it's far too complicated for her pretty little head.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 15/12/2013 13:56

I'm getting splinters. I know what the sensible advice is (don't go and tell anyone who says 'I'll be back for you' not to bother thanks!!) but I hate not knowing things... so I'd go to see what he has to say, BUT I'd be making sure he realised it was a one off opportunity to tell me exactly what the situation is that's soooooooo complicated and that I would not be waiting around for him - I would be seeing other people.

garlicbaubles · 15/12/2013 13:58

Have you got a Mumsnet trained cynical friend who could go with you?

WhoNickedMyName · 15/12/2013 14:07

It's complicated and he'll be back for you. Oh please.

PLAYER ALERT.

You've already told him to leave you alone until he's sorted his "complicated" situation out, and he hasn't respected that, he's emailing you saying "lovely things" and now he's got you hooked again he wants to meet up.

This is already not a man who respects you or your wishes.

Tell him you don't need to meet, you will remain entirely professional at work and he's not to get in touch again unless he's free and single and "uncomplicated".

stayanotherday · 15/12/2013 20:24

Hope you didn't meet him. What a mess.

Bluestocking · 15/12/2013 21:33

Any interaction set up with the caveat "as friends" always makes me laugh - hollowly. "Friends" don't do any of the things that end up happening under the "as friends" banner. It's always, always a disaster.
OP, what did you decide to do? I do hope you gave the "as friends" coffee with Mr It's Complicated a great big miss.

Original poster
Datingagain · 15/12/2013 23:53

Well, wise women of Mumsnet - thanks for you advice earlier (apart from you, Ladymud - for your insinuation that I was on the verge of becoming an OW. Hmm 38 years and still haven't managed that (despite plenty of opportunities) because my moral compass is dandy. My cocklodger radar, not so much so, but I ain't going to be anyone's OW.

Anyway, update:

So I ignored most advice, and we did indeed meet for coffee. And I'm glad we did. I understand why a lot of people advised against it - but I just wanted to see him, draw a line under this and then move on.

I like to think (despite fuck ups in the past) that I am a pretty good judge of character - and I just didn't get what was going on...

So, we met for coffee - and had a good chat.

He was very up front, and open - I told him that it was cards on the table time - and he respected that. Turns out, he IS (as he had said) single and not in a relationship - but boringly, is still in love with his Ex.

Apparently, the relationship was going nowhere, but having met me - and really liked me - he couldn't work out why he wasn't ready to actually start dating properly. He took a bit of time to think about it, and figured out, that it's because he still loves her.

He is very sad about it - but said it wouldn't be respectful of me (or him) to keep seeing me, whilst he still felt this way.

Could of course all be BS, but I don't think so. So we had a nice chat, I wished him luck, and we said goodbye.

Now I am clearly quite gutted, as I really, really quite liked him. But at least now I know. And can now move on.

It sucks, it's bad timing and I'm feeling sad etc etc. But at least this is a man who I don't have to write off as a cocklodger - he's been honest (albeit he took a few days to get there) but it gives me some hope.

Yes, of course, he should have sorted his shit out before going on a date with me. But sometimes you just don't know if you're really over someone until you do meet someone else. And, as someone pointed out upthread, we met through work - he wasn't OD, it wasn't as if he was actively looking, whilst still not being over his ex.

So - conclusion - despite the many shit relationships I have had, maybe sometimes it is better to pursue the truth - and not just write off weird behaviour as (the bloke) being a wanker. Maybe some of them really are just struggling with a lot of the same shit that we are.

I possibly wouldn't be feeling as generous if I hadn't just drunk about 5 G and Ts, but hey. At least I know where I stand now. And that is wasn't me - it was him.

Thanks again for all the advice Xx

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 16/12/2013 00:10

So will his 'ex' be taking him back then?

MerryFuckingChristmas · 16/12/2013 00:20

he is the dating equivalent of those people that look round your house when you are selling but who haven't sold their own. Complete time wasters.

garlicbaubles · 16/12/2013 00:20

I like your update. It sounds as though he was being emotionally honest - after a flaky start - and that you respected one another enough to be able to have the conversation. This means you are both decent people :)

Disappointing for you, Datingagain, but actually a constructive experience. I hope your hangover's not too bad in the morning! Sleep well.

Original poster
Datingagain · 16/12/2013 00:22

Absolutely no idea Leaven - and it's none of my business anymore.

He has told me he's still involved (albeit just emotionally) with someone else = I have walked away.

For what it's worth, it doesn't sound like she wants him back anyway, but like I said, it's not my problem anymore.

What's your point?

OP posts:
Original poster
Datingagain · 16/12/2013 00:25

Merry - agreed. It's very fucking frustrating. However, I'm not going to slag him off. We went on one date - he was clearly spooked by something. Didn't want to - or wasn't able to articulate it straight away, but at the first face to face opportunity he did. It's annoying - and not terribly edifying - but not a hanging offence surely?

OP posts:
Original poster
Datingagain · 16/12/2013 00:26

Thanks garlic. Suspect head is going to hurt in the morning. But I feel better for knowing, rather than just trying to work something out that I wasn't able to...

OP posts:
MerryFuckingChristmas · 16/12/2013 00:28

Well, those people that traipse through my house for no fucking reason whatsoever except to entertain themselves I suppose don't deserve to get hanged

But my time is precious...isn't yours ?

Leavenheath · 16/12/2013 00:30

My point is I think this is bullshit.

My guess is that he does still love this woman, but the relationship hadn't ended at all. I also think it's likely she found out about you, gave him an ultimatum or his marching orders and he backed out of a relationship with you, to show her good intent.

But he's managed to make himself sound like a 'good guy' while setting you up nicely if things don't work out with her after all (or she refuses to take him back/comes to her senses) so be very circumspect if after a short interval, he gets back in touch and says 'Good news. I'm over her now!'

Original poster
Datingagain · 16/12/2013 00:41

Yeah, OK Leaven and Merry. Point(s) taken. You may well be right. Sorry, didn't mean to sound bolshy.

I've just had too much gin. And, tbh, don't know what the fuck to think. I always try to see the best in people, but you may be right. Sounds plausible.

I'm really pleased I've walked away - and we won't be in touch again.

But this bloke has really got to me. (Probably sign of a classic player). I'm just sad that on the rare occasion I meet someone I really do like, it has to be so fucking complicated (i.e. non starter in this instance)

OP posts: