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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

You were all right about H

27 replies

Unknownmember · 14/12/2013 05:46

I've posted so many times about H. All of you told me to leave him.

He had another Christmas party today. This was a Christmas award day. It started at 10. Last year when he went to this, he got so drunk, his boss was furious with him, they put him in a cab which he left and luckily a co worker saw. She stayed with him and called me to come and get him at 10pm when both kids(under 2) we're in bed. It was so embarrassing.

So after all his million of promises that he would go to the party/event he was invited to and then come straight home. No going out afterwards. That was his choice.

This party finished at 4pm. But apparently he 'needed' to go to the after party. Which is really him out with friends drinking more. He first said he would be home by 1am which I disagreed with. He then promised 10.30. He's now text me to say he's staying with friends.

With all our history, I'm fed up. I'm tired of broken promises. Of going around in circles. Of him not growing up and realizing he has responsibilities. That his drinking has ruined us. But his enjoyment always comes first.

I'm booking myself in a hotel for the night. I need space to think

He can go to our friends Christmas party without and explain where I am. He can look after the kids.

I have had it.

OP posts:
JellyMould · 14/12/2013 06:34

Oh love it sounds like you need a hug. Is it that once he starts drinking he won't stop?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/12/2013 06:43

I remember your earlier threads and it was always on the cards that he'd end up doing exactly as he pleased. Do make sure that you tell him exactly why you're going to a hotel etc. because he doesn't sound like a man that takes very much notice of what you say and certainly won't understand passive aggressive hints.

'Space to think' is great but I'd also suggest you book an appointment with a solicitor sooner rather than later. I think you need some solid information on how separation would work in practice if you're to progress from 'fed up' to making your life better going forward. And that's whether you choose to split up or stay together. Good luck

Original poster
Unknownmember · 14/12/2013 06:45

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1933798-Think-he-will-never-change

One of my previous posts

OP posts:
Original poster
Unknownmember · 14/12/2013 06:50

He doesn't listen to what I say. He's very good with his words and making himself sound sensible and me, well not so sensible and someone who overreacts.

Going away tomorrow when we have commitments is something I would never do. But I can't do this any more.

I'm sitting here crying and what my marriage has become. And feeling so alone. I have no one to talk to except post my thoughts here

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/12/2013 07:06

Do you have no family? Friends? No-one on the end of a phone that you could share this with?

BTW.... how you react is unlikely to be 'overreacting'. You're angry at his behaviour and the broken promises and that is quite legitimate. Women-haters often call angry women 'hysterical' or say they 'overreact'... it's a way of trivialising their anger. So don't refer to yourself in the same terms as a woman-hater. It's normal to be furious when you are ignored and treated with scorn.

Coconutty · 14/12/2013 07:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Unknownmember · 14/12/2013 07:15

My parents are on holiday and are dealing with their own problems. I couldn't tell my friends, I'm too embarrassed.

I guess saying it out loud to someone in RL, makes it more real. It shows people how weak I am, what a mug I am.

I dont understand how going out with friends is more important. How being able to say stop enough, I need to get home to my family is so hard

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/12/2013 07:21

You're neither weak, nor a mug. You're in that limbo land where you need emotional support but you're not confident enough to wash your dirty linen in public yet because making it real means it's definitely over.

You're embarrassed at his behaviour and, if he had an ounce of decency, so would he be embarrassed. But he isn't because he's selfish. Going out and getting horrendously drunk etc is his way of having a great time, no-one else matters, and anyone who says different is a killjoy, unreasonable, 'overreacting'. I know this... I used to be married to someone exactly the same. They don't change.

When my exH finally left (for an OW ironically because I never found the courage to reject him... ) almost everyone said the same thing. 'Never understood what you saw in that tosser in the first place'. They were all very supportive.

Do confide in someone and do get legal advice.

Lweji · 14/12/2013 08:26

Be glad you'll never be able to understand him because you're not like him.

You are a responsible and kind person.

You are angry now, but you are likely to calm down and start backing down on your resolve. I think in this case it's useful to act while you are angry and take decisive action.

perfectstorm · 14/12/2013 08:39

He's very good with his words and making himself sound sensible and me, well not so sensible and someone who overreacts.

Alcoholics tend to be. Denial makes for convincing gaslighting.

Have you been in touch with Al-Anon? They support the families and loved ones of problem drinkers.

I agree you need to see a solicitor - start finding out your options.

Flowers to you. Horrible situation.

Diagonally · 14/12/2013 08:42

Going out with friends / colleagues is more important because they enable his addiction to alcohol.

Coming home means stopping the drinking, and because he's an alcoholic, once he's got going on a binge, he can't stop.

It's nothing to do with preferring to be with them rather than you and the DC.

People come a long way down in his list of priorities. Alcohol, and where he can abuse it, is his only motivation.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2013 08:47

His primary relationship has been and remains with drink. Nothing else matters; his main thoughts are concentrated on where the next drink is going to come from.

You simply cannot allow your children to grow up within such a dysfunctional atmosphere because you're already profoundly affected by his drinking and all that will just transfer to the children as well.

Are you still abroad or back in the UK now?. Space to think is all very well and good but I think you need to be a whole lot more decisive about planning your future life without him in it day to day. Seek legal advice and properly establish what your options are. Life with an alcoholic is never anything or is going to be anything other than a nightmare. Such problems too thrive on secrecy, you need to start speaking out to your friends.

Keep posting here too.

justtoomessy · 14/12/2013 08:50

If I was your friend I'd want to know and I'd want you to stay with me rather than a hotel. I'm sorry you are going through this but please call your friends as that is what friends are for. There is no need to be embarrassed its not you being the selfish, drunken prick!

iamjustlurking · 14/12/2013 09:06

I was married to an alcoholic I hated my life how I had become such a weak person as I didn't have the strength or belief I could cope without him. I stayed through the lies becoming more lonely and emotionally destroyed because I loved him.

Eventually things collapsed in a very dramatic style and I had to go with a 8,5 and 3 week old.

10 yrs on we doing ok he continued to damage the kids with his alcoholic abuse and now at 43 he's dead !! I still yearn for the man I loved so dearly but you have to take control go tonight gather your strength back you will be ok.

You can't continue letting him destroy you and your children. It's hard but you will be amazed how strong you really are.

jojoanna · 14/12/2013 09:12

My h is an alcoholic and is so hard to live with . You have my total sympathy. I have been married 35 years and it's too late for me to do anything now. Despite my threats over the years I have never actually left.
I used to be embarrassed about his behaviour. I felt it was my responsibility . Nowadays I just say oh he's drunk.
But if I had my time again I would LTB like a shot

Original poster
Unknownmember · 14/12/2013 12:30

Thank you everyone. He decided to come home at 2.30am. Why he changed his mind, I don't know.

He thought that meant I would be fine with him and started to try and hug me. When I moved away and said I was upset with him he got annoyed.

I'm still going away today. Coming back home doesn't change anything. But I know that will be his argument.

I will al anon, maybe it will help me so I won't feel so alone in this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unknownmember · 14/12/2013 16:43

He's woken up. And is now angry at me since I'm annoyed at him. He thinks that since he came home at 2.30 I should be ok with him. It shows how much he is changing. Am I being unreasonable with him?

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 14/12/2013 16:46

No. You are not.

Is he an alcoholic? Does he drink a lot all the time? Or is a once a year blow-out?

DollyTwat · 14/12/2013 17:01

I was married to an alcoholic too, it's miserable for you. Every social function you're either so worried about them getting really pissed, or they do t come with you because they're already hungover or out on the piss

For your own sanity you have to detach emotionally from him

He's not doing this to you or to upset you
He's doing it because he can't stop once he starts

The more you moan at him, the more you give him an excuse to do it again

So what I did was I changed my role in his life. I sat him down and told him that he'd lost his good friends, I might be the only one left and even I was going to walk away. I said I'd support him as a friend but not his wife

He went to AA and hasn't drunk as far as I know faience then. He is still an abusive, controlling fuckwit which to be honest, the drink covered up

I guess what I'm trying to say is stop taking this personally. It's not about you. He can't help it as he's an alcoholic. He needs to get help himself.

DollyTwat · 14/12/2013 17:03

Just to clarify, I'm not saying you moaning is causing him to drink, he will use it as an excuse in his own head

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/12/2013 17:08

He's on the defensive and you're asking if you're unreasonable? Hmm This is the cycle isn't it?

  1. You are promised a responsible approach to alcohol and events with alcohol.
  2. He gets pissed and does his own thing
  3. You are so angry you're almost out of the door
  4. He accuses you of being unreasonable so you start to doubt yourself and then back down
  5. See 1

As long as you stay stuck in this loop, nothing will change

DollyTwat · 14/12/2013 17:26

It is a cycle cognition

My mum could see it where I couldn't. She had it marked on a calendar and would be expecting it

DollyTwat · 14/12/2013 17:27

*cognito stupid phone!

Original poster
Unknownmember · 14/12/2013 18:25

Thank you. I can feel my resolve slipping. I stood my ground. I'm going tonight and hopefully it will make me think and what I want

OP posts:
DollyTwat · 15/12/2013 00:06

Op you have to untangle yourself from this and remove yourself and dc from his behavior.

I always had an alternative plan for weekends, especially bank holidays because I knew what was going to happen. He would manufacture a row. His drinking was FAR worse than I thought. I wonder why he'd always buy the rounds, realise that he was buying shorts at the bar, drank them before he came back

This is your life. You can't fix him. You have to treat him like the sick person he is. He's not doing this TO you.
Once you see that, you will feel better for you

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