Need advice with dh's lifestyle (drinking, weed) and raising a family

[Orchidheart]

I'm so exhausted from raising our baby pretty much alone at the moment and need advice. We have a 4 month baby whom I am on maternity leave to look after for 9 months. My husband is in a physically demanding job with long hours. When he comes home he will drink and smoke weed from then until he falls asleep on the sofa. On days off he will lie in till midday. Then smoke (weed or cigs) and start drinking about 5ish or midday ona weekend. I don't know if he has a drink/drug problem as he is well and never takes a day off work. However because he is often asleep, tired in the day and drinking/ smoking at night I feel completely in charge of our baby and don't get a break.

He is a lovely man who I do love and he loves being a Dad but doesn't play or look after our child.

I have explain my situation to him but he thinks I'm totally overreacting and going a bit mad and emotional. ( I often cry and shake on the rare times I confront him).

As an example I told him about a the time our dc was 2 weeks old and I couldn't fall asleep as DH was holding him late in the evening. He fell asleep on the sofa and our son (all the time watched by me to see what would happen) Screamed for 5 mins before slowing slipping out of his arms. DH did not wake up.

Please give me advice.

Oh, he's really not getting it, is he?

I think that it's such an extreme situation and he clearly thinks there's nothing wrong that you'd have to offer an ultimatum - stop or leave.

The advice is to stop making excuses for him and realise that he's taking the piss. If he can choose to behave normally and responsibly for this physically demanding work he does, he can choose to do it at home. Instead he thinks Orchidheart will do all the donkey work and he can just lounge around like some pampered sheikh. Worse than that, if you challenge His Highness you get told you're off your head. That is about as far from a 'lovely man' as it's possible to get. He has zero respect for you and you need to start seeing him for the waste of time he really is.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why are you together at all now?. He is "a lovely man who loves being a dad" - well no on both counts actually. Is that your denial talking?. In the same sentence you write that he neither plays with or looks after your child!.

Your H's primary relationship is with drink and drugs; this man does not give a toss for you or your child for that matter. As long as his own needs are being met this is all that matters to him.

Who is more important to you ultimately; this drug addict that you call a husband or your child?.

You are carrying a sinking ship; time to leave and bow before he drags you and your child further down with him.

Is he smoking in the house your baby lives in?

Your post makes it sound like he is doing this indoors.

It sounds awful when I read my post back! He does do lovely things such as cooking for me will sometimes take Ds out in his buggy if I ask.

He does not smoke indoors.

I do not want to leave him as I love him.
I just want things to change.

Oh dear. You can't change someone. Certainly not someone who, when you ask them something as simple and natural as to participate in family life accuses you of overreacting. He won't change until he has an incentive and you're not providing any incentive.

Stick around tolerating the behaviour and hoping he'll just magically stop being lazy and selfish and all that will happen is that your low self-esteem disappears completely through the floor, and you wake up one day and realise you've just wasted 10 years of your life on a man that really wasn't worth it. Sorry.

"He does do lovely things such as cooking for me will sometimes take Ds out in his buggy if I ask."

Cooking for you isn't "lovely", it's just a normal thing to do when you share a home.

And as for it being "lovely" to take his own baby out for a walk IF ASKED, I feel kind of close to despair that you need to have it pointed out that most fathers of four month old babies regularly take them for walks, wash them, dress them, change them, look after them on their own.

This guy is pretty much PERMANENTLY off his head when he's not at work.

He's not safe to be left in charge of his own baby.

He's not really a father in any meaningful sense.

Doing some cooking for you and taking the buggy for you occasionally and when you ask is the barest of the barest of minimums that I would expect of someone that I lived with. It reads very badly and you are settling for very little here on the not at all sound basis that you "love" him. Where is his love and respect for you exactly?. What is there to love about this man?.

He loves drink and drugs more and is currently dragging you and by turn your child down with him.

How much more of this can you actually stomach now?. Where is your own tipping point?.

He will not change, you can only change how you react to him.

Do you really want to raise your child in such an awful sounding environment?. What do your family and friends think of him?.

He loves being a father? How the fuck does he know that, since he isn't a father in any meaningful way whatsoever?
Has his life changed at all since his child was born, besides occasionally taking a baby for a walk in the buggy. I bet that's just when he is asleep/quiet. I bet as soon as the baby starts getting a bit rowdy he brings him straight back to you and lights a spliff.
I really feel sorry for you that your standards are so low. Is this the best you think you deserve? A man who doesn't engage with you and your child at all? He cooks for you? So what, I bet you cook a lot more for him. He'd have to do a lot more cooking if you saw sense and told him to fuck off.
Lie in until midday. Jesus. Not since we have had kids has my DH slept in that late. Unless he had a big party night before and it was by prior agreement. Even then midday would be pushing it.
Why do you love him?

Orchid your OP makes me feel very sad - you are putting up with an awful lot and you don't seem to realise that this is not normal. I'm afraid it does sound like he has a drink and drug problem - plenty of people can balance substance dependency with working for many years without being caught out. Yes he is working full time but so are you - I have experienced both full time work and maternity leave and both are as tiring as the other, I hate to read about men who come home from work and act as though nothing further should be expected of them. Having a baby is a tough and tiring time in life and should be shared and equal - my DH for example would work full time then come home and immediately take our DC for a while to give me a break, for example by doing bath and bedtime. He also shared responsibility for things like making up bottles and night feeds. At the weekends all tasks, domestic or baby related were shared. I know I am very lucky to have such a supportive DH but I also think that this should be the norm.

The statement you made about how he loves being a dad but doesn't play with or take care of your baby is contradictory. It does sound like you love him so I think you need to talk to him calmly and rationally and let him know what is ok. For example being off your face while baby is up (e.g 7-7 ) is not ok. Maybe come up with a list of tasks that he can take responsibility for.
Good luck - I hope things change for you.

But OP what if it doesn't change? You've talked to him before and he just brushes it off as you "overreacting". That gives a clear message to me, that he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong and hence he WON'T change.

Fast forward a year, that four month old is going to be into everything, you'll be back at work, trying to do everything in the house while he slobs around and does nothing, you'll be dealing with broken nights still, probably, while you can't trust him to look after the child even for an hour or so because he's too stoned to notice whether he's going off and getting into danger.

Fast forward five years, your child asks Daddy to help with his homework and he can't. Ten years, your child is having anti-drugs and alcohol lessons at school and is fucking terrified that his dad is going to not wake up one morning. That's not a nice fear to live with, especially if you're too scared to talk to anybody about it because everybody around you is normalising his drug use.

Fast foward fifteen years and you'll have two of them slumped in an alcohol and weed fuelled sleep on your couch having eaten you out of house and home, and that's if you're lucky and only have one child.

This is not livable with long term. It's only just copable with right now because your baby is still at the stage where if you put them down, you come back and they are still there. It's not going to fly when they get into everything and then when they start asking questions and noticing things. He probably does have time to stop before then, but will he? I don't think so, he's already given you the message loud and clear that he thinks what he's doing is perfectly fine.

Oh, he's really not getting it, is he?

I think he gets it completely. He takes little to no responsibility for his child, he lives like a bachelor and is completely taking the piss. And if OP plucks up the courage to try to improve things he puts it all on her and tells her she is, "over-reacting, emotional and going mad".

OP you are not over-reacting and your feelings are not emotional or crazy. You are absolutely within your rights to expect a full time father to your child. The things you describe being grateful for make me feel so, so sad for you.

He sure doesn't sound lovely.
He sounds selfish, entitled and lazy. Oh and an addict.

It's easier on your own.

Bet he expects sex on tap as well as all the housework and childcare being provided without any 'hassle'

You can't change him. This is him.

"I just want things to change."

The simplest and most reliable way to change things is to change yourself i.e reject the behaviour completely and refuse to accept it. More complicated and far less reliable is to provide some consequences to the behaviour severe enough to force the other person to consider change. In both cases, however, you have to be assertive, confident & prepared to have the courage of your convictions. Means entertaining the idea that the relationship might end. That's a long way from where you are now.

Oh my darling. You need to take a step back and really see this situation for what it is. :(

He does not love being a father. He is wasting time whilst he could be interacting with his son or helping you to care for your son. Laying in til midday?? Drinking from 5?? (I assume this is before baby is down for the night?). When do you lay in? When do you get relaxation time?

How do you feel about your son aged 4/7/14/20 seek g his dad laze til midday? Smoke weed? Drink at 5 pm?

If you have honestly laid it all out and he hasn't responded by changing then you need to do this by yourself. Raise your child alone (you are anyway) with good role models, examples and in safety.

I'm so sorry. Time to be strong for your child.

Wishing, that isn't lucky, that is normal. Just because a lot of men are fucking useless and don't pull their weight, doesn't mean that men who do pull their weight are rare or special. I used to put up with so much shit from DS' dad because I thought that's what men were like and I was lucky if he did anything nice once in a while. It's really not the case - men who pull their weight aren't special or rare, it's just that you need to read the early warning signs!

Being in love with him is not a good reason to stay, when he is being a poor partner and father.

Being able to turn up for work doesn't mean he's not got a problem with drink/weed.

He should be doing a decent share of domestic work and childcare during his time off.

Even if he smokes outside all the time, chemicals from the weed on his skin are bad for the baby.

He's not lovely.

He's not a Dad.

What he is is a lazy addict.

As everyone else has said, he certainly won't change - he has things the way he likes them. Sadly, that includes not interacting with his child or being his Daddy in any meaningful way. You do see that, don't you? Really think about that - he's HAPPY the way things are. HAPPY to not have much to do with his baby or take care of him. That isn't a Dad. He doesn't want to be a Dad.

And then there's the way he treats you. Telling you you're mad when you go to him in tears for support? Oh he knows what he's doing, love. Knows there's a huge load of work that comes along with having a baby, running and house, shopping cooking cleaning etc. - knows full well he's doing none of it, absolutely FUCK ALL in fact - and is trying his hardest to emotionally bully you into carrying on doing it like some kind of slave so that he can carry on drinking, smoking, lying in bed and ignoring his son.
Lovely man? Really?

The only real change any of us are in charge of are changes in OURSELVES. He can only be this way because you support it - by being there, by letting him be there being fed and washed for and not telling him to get up and help out.

But I think you're on a hiding to nothing, I really do. I would be looking to move on.

I suspect his job is the reason he's over indulging and he's uses alcohol and dope as a way of relaxing, fine if you only have yourself to think about and that's what you want to do, not fine at all when you have a partner who doesn't agree or like and now a baby to take care of - he's probably became dependant on both and can't think how to stop now.

If you truly love him then have a really long frank conversation, go out together, get someone to take care of baby and tell him either he makes an effort to change his ways or you will have to consider separating - if after that, he's still not interested in changing his behaviour then you have your answer, you either put up or give yourself and your baby a chance to live a happier lifestyle.

Thanks for all your responses. I'm really shocked by them. I was expecting something along the lines of 'oh my DH is the same....' Am I really that blinkered? I don't feel that things are rock bottom but this is the only relationship I've been in (we've been together 10 yrs). I still feel I am way off leaving him but I realise something has to change.

mamma thanks for such a heartfelt post. bertie how did you realise your relationship was not normal with your ex*'.

"Thanks for all your responses. I'm really shocked by them. I was expecting something along the lines of 'oh my DH is the same....' Am I really that blinkered? I don't feel that things are rock bottom but this is the only relationship I've been in (we've been together 10 yrs). I still feel I am way off leaving him but I realise something has to change"

Did you honestly expect to receive a different type of response?. And yes you are really that blinkered and I mean that most kindly. I do not honestly think you realise how much of a dysfunctional situation you are in because you've become both inured and conditioned to it happening around you. How old are you btw, early to mid 20s for instance?.

What did you learn exactly about relationships when you were growing up?.

You cannot enforce change within him, his primary relationship is not with you anyway but with drink and drugs. Is this really the sort of father figure you want for your child?. What are you yourself teaching your child about relationships here?.

Your ridiculous husband's lifestyle is not compatible with family life. He is an awful role model for a child and you would be better off on your own.

attila I'm 30 and had a stable, happy up-bringing although my Dad tends to drink too much. They divorced in my late teens.

I realise I'm coming across as a naive doormat in this post and I've even name changed as I often post in the feminism section.

Oh god,why why why do women put up with this shit?!This is what you DS will grow up thinking is normal.It's not normal its drug abuse.He is not a good dad if he doesn't give a shit and believe me,he doesn't give a shit.What he should be doing is getting up on a saturday morning sorting baby out and giving you a break for the day.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh op but is this what you want for your life?! By the way it takes someone a lot of guts and effort to stop smoking weed if they are dependant on it,do you think he has it in him?

I'm shocked that you thought anyone would reply that they had a similar DH... Do you have a father, brother, male friends/relatives, DPs of female friends? Do any of them act in the same lazy selfish way towards their families?