Need advice with dh's lifestyle (drinking, weed) and raising a family

[Orchidheart]

I'm so exhausted from raising our baby pretty much alone at the moment and need advice. We have a 4 month baby whom I am on maternity leave to look after for 9 months. My husband is in a physically demanding job with long hours. When he comes home he will drink and smoke weed from then until he falls asleep on the sofa. On days off he will lie in till midday. Then smoke (weed or cigs) and start drinking about 5ish or midday ona weekend. I don't know if he has a drink/drug problem as he is well and never takes a day off work. However because he is often asleep, tired in the day and drinking/ smoking at night I feel completely in charge of our baby and don't get a break.

He is a lovely man who I do love and he loves being a Dad but doesn't play or look after our child.

I have explain my situation to him but he thinks I'm totally overreacting and going a bit mad and emotional. ( I often cry and shake on the rare times I confront him).

As an example I told him about a the time our dc was 2 weeks old and I couldn't fall asleep as DH was holding him late in the evening. He fell asleep on the sofa and our son (all the time watched by me to see what would happen) Screamed for 5 mins before slowing slipping out of his arms. DH did not wake up.

Please give me advice.

This is awful. He's not a good father and he's not a good partner. He's a selfish addict who is not at all a good role model for your child. He won't change unless he wants to, and right now he clearly doesn't want to! It's so sad that he can see you struggling and just dismisses your feelings and needs because he doesn't care about you, basically.

Orchidheart my friend was in a similar situation, her bf was spending all their money on weed (growing it in the house too) and never helped out with the baby. They split up when she was 3 and he now lives in Romania and see's his kid twice a year.

Do you think if you spilt he might change it might kick him into gear?

Why do you love him?

You have come desensitised to this behaviour- we are all shocked and you were surprised at put reactions. Fast forward 20 years, your son will grow up thinking this is totally the way family life is supposed to be. That would be a tragedy :(

It's the frog in the pan situation isn't it?

"Am I really that blinkered?"

Yes.

I dont see what he does that makes you "love him". There is nothing there to love! His behaviour is pretty crap, and non-loving.

Dont you worry how all the weed is going to be affecting his brain?

A friend of mine was in your shoes a couple of years ago. Her husbands weed habit never bothered her, until they had a child.... And then he could no longer cope with his job, so was sacked. Now he sits around on his arse with headphones on listening to music and smoking weed all day. My friend gets no help with their child, she works full time, while her husband sleeps, drinks, smokes, plays on the Xbox and smokes weeds.

Another friend of mine was nearly committed last summer, he suddenly became psychotic, and wanted to knife the pregnant friend of his step daughter, he said "the devil was in her stomach". He is better now, but his mental health worker says (his wife told me) that it is connected to years of smoking weed.

Have a look at these links and see if it is harmless ....
www.nhs.uk/Livewell/mentalhealth/Pages/Cannabispsychoticbreakdown.aspx
www.rcpsych.ac.uk/healthadvice/problemsdisorders/cannabis.aspx

Also, another thing to think about, with your husbands tolerance to drugs, he wont see anything wrong in your children smoking weed.
But, teens these days rarely stop at weed, they do legal high which they can easily obtain in clubs or petrol stations, or cocaine given to them at parties, or DMT which is an intense psychedelic drug.
If your children grow up in a home where drugs is ok, will it mean they have a lower threshold for trying other drugs? Drugs that can kill them instantly?

My friends daughter is currently a shadow of herself as her friend died from ecstasy at the beginning of the week.

I'm not shocked by his behaviour.

Having said that, he needs to change if he wants a happy family life. Let's not pretend tho' that people don't drink too much or smoke weed or whatever it is they use as their crutch! He's taking it to a much higher level though, perhaps this could be the catalyst for him changing for the better.

It was seeing other people talk about their husbands, after we had a baby especially, I always knew he wasn't very mature but I had assumed he would grow up when the baby arrived... nope. If anything, he got worse :( It was a combination of hearing about lovely thoughtful things people's DH's had done and thinking "But mine would never do that...", comparing him to exes - even though said exes were exes for a reason, just stupid things. There was a recurring memory that used to play of my ex before him, when he had turned around and accidentally hit me with his elbow, and immediately said "Oh sorry!!" and gave me a big hug. Again, my partner at the time would never have reacted in this way.

Then I was on mumsnet, as well, and started to see through other people's posts that my relationship wasn't very healthy, but I think the biggest thing for me was when my cousin came to stay about 3 months before we split up, saw through him immediately and was really shocked by the way he treated me. More mumsnet, I came across a thread where the man described could have been mine almost exactly, and then I knew that there was no more kidding myself. I tried to apply for some university places and then gave up when they told me I'd need to wait a year. My sister came over the next day and noticed I was "acting weird", my mum turned up the day after that and said "Your sister said you were saying XYZ yesterday, what's wrong?" And I just started crying and didn't stop :(

I left four years ago and am immensely happier for it. I'm about to get married to a lovely, kind, patient man who takes 50% responsibility for DS although he is his stepfather and although I haven't done any housework for about 3 days I messaged him saying "I'm really sorry, I'll try to do some of the dishes when I've got DS to sleep, I have a massive headache" he said "Don't worry, I'll do them when I get home."

He drinks occasionally and even has the odd spliff but NEVER around DS, not even when he's sleeping, and probably about once a year or something like that. Drinking is more regular, but he doesn't very often get drunk, and I mean "drunk" as in slightly slurred speech, over friendly, not collapsing or pissing himself. That's normal, adult behaviour.

I'm not shocked either. I come across a lot of these rather pleasant but ultimately useless drug users in the course of my occupation. In actual fact, he sounds like a rather banal and predictable pothead who is going to go through life never taking any responsibility for the fact he is a fucking waste of space

If this is what you envisaged for your own life, crack right on. He won't suddenly step up, btw. Why would he ?

OP I've been in your position, ExP was very much the same, though we didn't have a child together. It was the prospect of having a child with him, and the position I would be putting myself in, that was part of the reason I left him.

We had been together 13 years, it was for me, like you, the first real relationship I had had. Many years of the relationship were, I have to admit, spent going out, partying, having a good time. It was only after I grew up a bit, took a much more "take it or leave it" attitude (actually I just left it!), that I realised he was unable to leave it and his whole existence centered round his need to have enough drink to hand, and to consume it in large quantity every day. He had a good job, went to work every day, and said it was his way of "relaxing", switching off after work. The fact was he would start drinking the minute he got in, until he passed out on the sofa, or staggered to bed. At the weekend, midday was the starting point, but sometimes from breakfast, sometimes he was still going from the night before. He was in complete denial that he had a problem. There was not a single day where he didn't drink to excess.

He was emotionally abusive, I later came to realise, very controlling. His behavior in public was often embarrassing, he was aggressive about other people but under his breath to me, possessive, jealous, difficult. Because I had been with him "forever" I couldn't imagine not being with him, for a good while I didn't even realise that I didn't want to be with him. I was in denial... Eventually things came to a head, and we broke up. I realised the next day that this happened while he was extremely drunk (you know sometimes it was hard to spot how drunk, so accomplished a drinker he was), and he used his being drunk as an excuse for saying he wanted us to give it another go as he hadn't been able to put into words how he felt. It felt for me like Groundhog Day!

Eventually I did leave, and god was it the right thing to do, I am infinitely happier now in a balanced, fair, supportive, loving and passionate relationship, with an emotionally independent person. We have one DD, and her arrival has been joyous.

This is long, I'm sorry - but I know all too well how you feel, my experience and the change I made is something close to my heart, it was life-changing. It's easy for people to say "just leave", but after such a long time together, with a baby, it may seem impossible - it may not even seem like what you want. Only you can decide what you what for your life, for your baby's future, and make it happen when your strong enough. Unfortunately, in my experience, people don't change.

A friend once said to me, while I was still with ExP, "does it feel like you're at a football game, and everyone's playing, but you're watching from the edges?". That summed it up perfectly - now I'm actually playing.

Not disputing above but I have friends who smoke pot and have done for years and hold down very high salaried, high demanding jobs, smoking pot doesn't automatically mean you're a waste of space and can't take responsibility for your life - some will be like this but some will not.

Agree Jan but this is about a man who's habit/addiction is having a negative affect on his family life.It's a problem when you get stoned around your kids.Its not pleasant been around someone who's trying to stop smoking weed when they are dependant on it,they turn into unreasonable arseholes who are in complete denial about their problem.

'Thanks for all your responses. I'm really shocked by them. I was expecting something along the lines of 'oh my DH is the same....'

Well, ok. My dh was the same. He loved 'being a father', still does. The idea of it, at least. Not enough to actually engage with the practicalities in any meaningful way, though. Not enough to stop smoking, drinking, taking drugs, going out all night and sleeping in until god knows when. I left him.

'He loves being a dad but doesn't play with or look after our child.' Do you really not see the massive contradiction in that sentence?

Your dh is not a lovely man. I mean, I'm sure he's a nice enough bloke in his way but everything's going his way, isn't it? He's not having to lift a finger. His life has barely changed, except that now he gets to feel proud of himself because he's A Dad. As others have said, cooking you a meal and occasionally (I bet it is bloody occasional, isn't it?) taking the baby out in the buggy is the absolute barest of bare minimums you should be expecting.

I know you're not ready to leave. But this is not normal, functional or right. You know that because you posted. Don't deny your own insight. Don't kid yourself. This is highly unlikely to get better.

My ds spent this summer visiting his dad in rehab, btw.

Jan, you have read the OP haven't you ?

The donation of sperm does not a father make.

Ok- shocked the wrong word. Saddened, in disbelief at anyone throwing away family time...not shocked that people do this, it's all too common on these threads.

Some great advice in here as always op. please read this thread a few times and then give yourself time and Soave to think about all of this. You deserve better and somehow you'll have to get it
X

OP, I'm going to be truthful here. When I used to indulge in weed, I used to gauge my intake as to how it affected my "output" in real life as I know, despite what some high minded weed smokers say, it is still a narcotic.
Your partner appears to reason that since he works hard (outside the home) he is entitled to wind down into oblivion IN the home, to the point of not participating in family life. I wonder if he is depressed?
In the meantime, you need to know that it is nothing for a normal father to cook and take the baby out in the buggy. He isn't doing you a favour. He should want to bond with his child.
I know that you love your partner, but is he close to what you imagined he would be? Could you rely on him if you became ill?
I always used to say that if I couldn't do without weed, or needed it every time "real" life got hectic, I am an addict. You have to accept that your partner appears to be putting the drink and drug before his family. You can do better (believe this damn near middle aged woman, please) than having a man frame around the house, taking up your emotions, but giving little of emotional value in return. That you have to work yourself up to confront him about an overt behaviour pattern, tells you that something is wrong. He is past the stage of "enjoying" weed and drink. He needs it. Can you manage a baby AND a grown man who is in denial about his place in his family life? This could go on for a very long time.

He sounds horrible OP, really horrible. Furthermore he is endangering your DS and clearly couldn't give two hoots about you.

You really do deserve better, your post is so upsetting.

Please take no notice of posts like Jan45's - he is an utter waste of space and is going to drag you down with him if you're not careful.

If you challenged him on his drinking, smoking and started demanding he do his fair share, asked for equal leisure time, how would he react?

Suspect he wouldn't be "lovely".

My DH works long hours, likes beer and the odd spliff. He has even been severely depressed. At no point did he check out of family life like this, or not do his fair share. And at no point have I ever felt that I couldn't leave our child with him. You are being short changed OP. Your life does not have to be like this.

Even if he is a 'functioning' pot smoker who is holding down a job, and may not even appear particularly stoned, the point is that he is CHOOSING to prioritise pot over his own child and the woman he loves.
It's up to you if you are prepared to come second to pot, but is that what you are prepared to accept for your child?

What value do you place on yourself and what value do you place on your precious baby?

For a habitual user, withdrawal can be quite unpleasant, and even when they convince themselves they can restrict their usage to 'special occasions', a few days use will mean they have to withdraw again. The pot will either be like another person in your family who he prefers to spend time with, or you end up living with daddy jekell and daddy Hyde.

Every relationship will have issues, but you should be able to talk about them to seek a resolution. If he is not prepared to, that is significant in itself.
What are his priorities? Does he feel he is more entitled to rest and relaxation than you?

My xh was similar, he enjoys his alcohol (functioning). We had two babies, I tried to stop him drinking at home, so he stopped coming home after work. The situation then made him feel depressed. But I was blinkered and convinced he was a good partner and dad, until I pretty much had a nervous breakdown - bringing up children completely on my own, financial stress, dealing with his drinking/not coming home/'depression', moving frequently, no emotional or physical support. I just didn't see it until I had a lot of eye opening therapy that I was in a codependent bubble and was absolutely blind to what was happening. Nearly 2 years later, he is still all those things, but I am in control of my life, I am happy, my children are thriving, I am learning who I am and what makes me tick. It is not easy, but it is so much easier leaving with nothing that living with a man who loves alcohol more than his own children. It is not loving or normal about a father who does not spend his time with his children and wife. And it does not get better because you want it to.

Was his behaviour like this before you had your child? If so, did you see it as a problem then? Were you expecting him to change when the baby came? I'm amazed you thought it would be a good idea to have a child with him!

Where have you gone, op ?