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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband on dating sites.

59 replies

Whattodonow2 · 13/12/2013 10:35

Namechanged (there is another whattodonow but it's not them it's me, just that I'd better say that to avoid confusion with another poster).

Anyway, I have suspected dh is up to something for some time. I looked at his history on internet and found a site.

I joined this site- I've NO intention of doing anything else bar joining and did not give my details and I won't bore with details of my 'detective' work but- he was extremely easy to find.

He has been specific about what he likes: looking for no strings attached sex, what positions he likes and what he likes sexually.

I am fuming and upset at same time.

Don't know what the heck to do next.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodonow2 · 13/12/2013 10:41

I know it is him because of the description of himself, the area, and he hasn't even bothered to change his name or age.

OP posts:
Buzzardisnotina4birdroast · 13/12/2013 10:48

What do you want to do?

I would screen shot and give him one chance only to tell me the truth.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/12/2013 10:52

Agree with the PP. However, before you confront him, be clear in your own mind what you would like to happen next. That way, you're in control.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 13/12/2013 10:54

Confront. And if he tries to deny, minimize, or blame, then you have your answer.

Mumsyblouse · 13/12/2013 10:59

I wouldn't even bother confronting him or discussing it, to me it would be the ultimate betrayal (I could kind of understand falling for a colleague, hurt though I would be)- he's married to you and casting around the internet (where anyone could see him) for no strings sex with specific preferences!

That would be an utter deal-breaker for me because there isn't an explanation I would find acceptable. Plus if he's on this one site, he may have been on others, and may indeed have been having this type of sex already (given he sees no incompatibility with marriage). Get an STI test and show him the door, why wait to listen to his no doubt very ingenious but utterly untrue reason why he is asking strangers for sex.

JollySantersSelectionBox · 13/12/2013 11:02

If you've joined, under an assumed name why don't you contact him through the site? Or can you access his account and have a look to see if he is communicating with people or just on there oggling? If you know his email password you can send a password reminder to it.

Is he displaying any other behaviour that is out of character? Out in the evenings more, unexplainably late, glued to phone?

Do you have an active sex life with him? If so perhaps think about booking for an STI test.

So sorry. It's a horrible thing to find. Not only duplicitous but also a little bit seedy. It's very hard to have respect for a partner when they've acted like this.

Original poster
Whattodonow2 · 13/12/2013 11:16

Thanks for replying. What gets me is the ease of which I found him. He hasn't even had the decency to change his name or age. He likes doggy style, apparently. Bastard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodonow2 · 13/12/2013 11:17

I've thought of contacting him through the site, matching myself to his preferences, but not sure that I can be bothered. Anyway, from a practical point of view we both share same computer so he'd know it's me, anyway?

OP posts:
Offred · 13/12/2013 11:25

Total deal breaker for me. What's horrible discovery just before Christmas. Hmm

What do you want to do?

JollySantersSelectionBox · 13/12/2013 11:29

Print off his profile and keep a copy. Screen print it and email a copy to yourself.

Take a bit of time to think about what you want to do and how you want to move on from this. Is it a deal breaker?

You'll have to be strong during confrontation. He will squirm and lie his way to try and minimalize this. He will also blame and gaslight you.

It will be your fault for not having sex, or the right kind or sex, or the right amount of sex. Have your answers ready. You may be completely dissatisfied with him, but you aren't pasting yourself all over Adult Friend Finder sites. Grown up adults talk through their problems.

Good luck op.

Rosieliveson · 13/12/2013 11:40

Gosh, so sorry for you.

One way or another I'd want him to taste life without me. I think I'd either change the lock, leave an overnight bag on the step and pin the screen shot to the front of it. Or I'd pack up myself and go away for a few days and leave the screenshot on the counter so he knew why.

In my opinion, things like this need distance to sort out. Good luck with it Thanks

mintberry · 13/12/2013 11:45

I would just be transparent about it and let him know asap that you know. Mind games and more sniffing around would just complicate things further.

Whatever you decide to do, it's really important, IMO, that you make him realise the severity of the whole thing. If you don't leave him, at least maybe pack a bag and go and stay with someone for a few days.

Preciousbane · 13/12/2013 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyDilbert · 13/12/2013 12:01

I have been where you are - you will be reeling and in complete and utter shock from what he has done. I think whether he has met anyone is an irrelevance, just the looking and sending messages is bad enough - and yep, I read the messages my DP sent and they were utterly cringeworthy and awful.

I would put the bag on the doorstep if I were you - I could never forgive or forget what he did, and I am 2 years ahead of you. None of this is your fault, I agree with the comments about he will try to minimise and blame you - this is his fault, and his alone. Is a terrible discovery to make - so sorry. I didn't recognise the man I adored - it was like he changed overnight into a monster.

Abbykins1 · 13/12/2013 12:08

Jolly santa has given me the thread of an idea.First off,it may just be fantasy that he has no intention of carry through.
So you need a (sting).Start an online relationship,as soon as you think the time is right,arrange a hook up,arrange to meet him outside a pub or club or somewhere and make sure it's in a position where you can see but not be seen.
If he turns up!

Well you decide the course of action!!!!!!!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/12/2013 12:13

Why should the OP stoop to playing games and operating 'stings'? His pants are down, his hand is in the cookie jar, gentlemen of the jury he's bang out of order. The only tricky part is whether the OP wants to carry on with the relationship, knowing what she knows.

JollySantersSelectionBox · 13/12/2013 12:20

I wasn't suggesting setting up a honey trap. Just to try and see if the account is actively being used.

I set up a Match.com account once because of a thread on here. It was the only way to read the profile the MNer was referring to. you have to go through setting a profile to register.

OP came back and confirmed that he was live that's enough!

ParsleyTheLioness · 13/12/2013 12:26

This happened to me OP. I thought about joining the site, but there were about two profiles he could have been, and I didn't have the energy for the subterfuge involved, and the possible innocent party who was the other profile etc. Eventually XH admitted it. When I look back, I think it had been going on for a long time, and there were other clues...the wedding ring left off whilst 'doing a job in the shed' the extra mobiles 'I can take a cheap one on holiday' etc. This for me was the final straw, after years of EA, some DV and he started gas-lighting teenage DD as well.
Two years down the line I am happier without him, and have a new partner. Can't say I miss all his nonsense.

MissScatterbrain · 13/12/2013 12:26

Definitely no games.

Print off profile etc as evidence.

Pack his man crap in bin bags and leave for him to collect.

Get tested for STIs.

Jan45 · 13/12/2013 12:41

Don't lower yourself to his level playing hide and seek. Show him the evidence and then see what he has to say for himself, either way he's going to have to go, whether you take him back or not is ultimately your choice and shouldn't be done until you've had plenty time to decide if you want to still be with him.

It's actually becoming very common these days, there must be loads of women who have no idea their men are doing this kind of thing, I may get slated but men imo seem to be far more insecure than women and are happy to fuck up a good relationship over an ego boost.

Andy1964 · 13/12/2013 12:42

Just confront him with the evidence you have. Like others have said he will try to wriggle out of it.

When caught in the headlights like rabbits us men tend to clam up so you will find answers like
"i don't know why I did it"
"I can't remember"

You then have three choices;
Stick around and get to the bottom of it. He could be honest with you and you can work with these issues

Stick around and not get to the bottom of it. He could give you answers that have no credibility, you don't belive him, how he explains things don't make sense.

Leave, you can't live with him for doing this.

Given time us men will either a) fess up and be honest or b) Lie to get ourselves out of it.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 13/12/2013 12:46

Are you even considering not making him fuck off elsewhere for good?

Leavenheath · 13/12/2013 12:57

I don't think all men behave the same way, but agree that when people are guilty and pushed into a corner, many will lie to buy themselves some time. What tends to separate the wheat from the chaff at that point is what happens next. Some people will tell the truth and others will use the extra time to tell more elaborate lies.

I've seen many threads on this in my years on MN and the responses when busted seem to fall into the same few astonishingly uncreative categories.

They are:

I was just curious to see what's out there.
My mate set up the profile as a joke.
Someone's hacked into our computer but no I won't phone the police or take the PC for a forensic check.
Yes I created the profile and I've been chatting to a few people but I would never have met one of them (this usually when there have been 'chats' discovered).
I heard that someone we know was on the site and I joined to see if it was true.

What are your circumstances?

I wouldn't put yourself through the indignity of turning agent provocateur. Be prepared for one of the above lies when confronted, plus lots of tears and deflecting claims of 'depression' or somesuch bollocks.

Although I have never experienced anything like this in RL, my years on MN have taught me one thing.

The only reason attached men join dating sites is to meet women for sexual relationships.

mcmoonfucker · 13/12/2013 13:03

Sorry you have made this discovery.
It is clear he has already been out sleeping with other people- the language he is using absolutely is that of someone VERY used to the way the sites work.
He's specific and to the point. A profile that has probably evolved over time and through experience.
So be in ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT....he is sleeping with other women. Regularly.
Do not accept any crap from him about "just curious"..."I've never met anyone".
No one ever has such a specific profile unless they know what they are doing.

Now go wish him a Merry Christmas with a big fuck off forever.

JollySantersSelectionBox · 13/12/2013 13:22

Mcmoon be fair, there is absolutely no proof at this moment that he has been actively sleeping with someone.

These sites have a profile structure - they specifically provide a list of positions and sexual scenarios, partner type boxes for you to click I.e threesomes, oral etc

The op will have to decide herself whether she believes her DH has slept with someone by piecing together the time he joined the website, and any strange behaviour in the duration following.

Or she can hack into his profile and check for any communication for final proof.

Or she can decide that this is the line in the sand and he has stepped right over it, and she doesn't want to listen to it anymore.