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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband on dating sites.

59 replies

Whattodonow2 · 13/12/2013 10:35

Namechanged (there is another whattodonow but it's not them it's me, just that I'd better say that to avoid confusion with another poster).

Anyway, I have suspected dh is up to something for some time. I looked at his history on internet and found a site.

I joined this site- I've NO intention of doing anything else bar joining and did not give my details and I won't bore with details of my 'detective' work but- he was extremely easy to find.

He has been specific about what he likes: looking for no strings attached sex, what positions he likes and what he likes sexually.

I am fuming and upset at same time.

Don't know what the heck to do next.

OP posts:

mcmoonfucker · 13/12/2013 13:56

OP has already stated unusual behaviour.....wedding ring, extra mobile.
What do you think he's doing on a hook up site other than hooking up? Seriously?!?
Why should she even BEGIN to give him the benefit of the doubt?!?

The simplest explanation and all that

fiftyandfab · 13/12/2013 14:05

mcmoon, the wedding ring and extra mobile thing was not posted by the OP but another respondent.

OP how awful for you, I'd simply confront him with the evidence and gauge his reaction and demand all the (horrible) truth. Then take some thinking time to decide what you want to happen next.

mcmoonfucker · 13/12/2013 14:10

This confrontation thing....what are you expecting to happen?!?
You have all the evidence you need.
He's hooking up with other women. Best case is not physically hooking up..but that's bullshit anyway because the intent is there. Save your energy, you need it.

Apols on phone/ring thing. Makes no difference anyway, he's still a shit,

Jan45 · 13/12/2013 14:50

It does not mean he's been sleeping with other women, the OP has no proof of that.

Jan45 · 13/12/2013 14:51

Also having an intention is not the same as actually doing something. I'm in no way sticking up for the B but let's stick to the facts.

mcmoonfucker · 13/12/2013 15:00

What does it actually mean that he's on sites to meet women for sex then jan?

Jan45 · 13/12/2013 15:09

Nobody knows if he's had sex with anyone, just cos you join a site doesn't mean you are having sex with anyone. Lots of men (and women) go on various sites, some with full intention, some with little, some not at all.

Tom543 · 13/12/2013 15:13

hmm just an alternate possibility, from a male perspective.

I go out with a group of friends on a Wednesday evening; last year (or maybe earlier this year) one of my friends was telling us all about a site call adultfriendfinder, sounds like the sort of site the OP is referring to - we were joking about whose wife / GF / sister / work colleagues etc that may be on the site.

The next week the question was thrown out "go on then, who checked out that site?" - actually more of us than not had registered just to see if we knew anyone on it. Simple curiosity (although perhaps rather immature - though we are all in our 40's); I'd completely forgotten about it until I saw this thread - you had to fill in a few fields, answer a few questions & then upload a photo if we wanted to view who else was on the site.

As I was only wanting a quick look out of curiosity (i.e. not to use the site to message or meet anyone) , I didn't put a photo up, all my friends said they didn't either, and we all left it at that. However I suspect the bare record still exists and can be viewed in searches - is the OP sure that this isn't all her husband has done?

It could merely be something a bit stupid, rather than sinister (unless of course there is evidence of his interaction on the site).

I am completely sure about myself & 99.9% sure re my friends that we just wanted a look & had no sinister intentions whatsoever.

Also re the questions about sexual preferences etc, is it not possible that there were drop down fields where you had to select something or tick boxes where at least some had to be ticked - tbh that seems to ring a bell.....

Of course, the other explanation is that the OP's husband is up to no good......I'd try & find out if there are messages that have been sent or meets arranged before I jumped to conclusions.....

sebsmummy1 · 13/12/2013 15:14

Actually, and I am really not one for histrionics, this would be a total deal breaker for me. The end of the relationship. Over.

He would have to leave immediately and I wouldn't even want to hear an excuse. I would suggest he goes and gets himself done NSF while I go and get myself a solicitor.

sebsmummy1 · 13/12/2013 15:16

Tom that's a really bizarre story. How bored most you and your friends really be to go to the effort of filling out a profile for a fuck buddy site just to see who is on it??????

Sorry but that's fucking weird.

Vivacia · 13/12/2013 15:19

let's stick to the facts.

This. I don't think getting excited about possibilities is supporting the OP.

Jan45 · 13/12/2013 15:21

I don't think it's weird Tom, I have lots of friends who are in relationships who have admitted to something similar, usually when drunk!

I also have friends who this has happened to who all said it would be a deal breaker, funnily enough they are all still together. I think the OP needs to at least hear what he has to say about it.

Vivacia · 13/12/2013 15:21

"we were joking about whose wife / GF / sister / work colleagues etc that may be on the site."

Do you see anything wrong with that Tom?

Jan45 · 13/12/2013 15:21

Vivacia: I have no idea what you mean, by facts I mean what is written here?

sebsmummy1 · 13/12/2013 15:24

Its very convenient to say it was done whilst drunk or for a laugh.

If I found out my partner was on these sites advertising himself for NSF (and I would be bloody surprised as he can hardly keep up with me!!) I would go bat-shit crazy.

Tom543 · 13/12/2013 15:31

sebsmummy - might be weird from your viewpoint, is it weird from a mans though? About 5 of us did it, a couple apparently on the night in the pub on their smartphones - only takes a minute. We're a group who've known each other for years; you know what blokes are like when they get together and have had a few beers - mickey taking always happening; it would have been funny if someone's ex-gf, for example, was on there...

As I said above, a bit immature perhaps, but nothing sinister...

Tom543 · 13/12/2013 15:39

Vivacia - no I don't and neither did my friends.

BTW we are all what I think you would class as decent guys, hard working, trustworthy, mostly married family men with children etc (just a bit daft when on a beer sometimes)

Anyway I'll step out as I don't want to divert from the OP's thread; I just wanted to give her personally an alternate possibility to consider before acting...

Vivacia · 13/12/2013 15:50

Jan I was agreeing with you. I think, with respect, that Mcmoonfucker's strong responses might not be helpful.

Tom I think it's wrong because this joking objectifies women. You didn't use somebody's "dad" within your jokes, did you?
BTW we are all what I think you would class as decent guys, hard working, trustworthy, mostly married family men with children etc Quite, even Nice Guys can be misogynistic.

Bubblegoose · 13/12/2013 15:54

Tom - You joined a dating site so you could speculate on/titter at women you know's sex lives?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 13/12/2013 16:13

Jan see, from my point of view, the known facts are already enough: he created a profile on a site for no-strings sex. That, on its own, is a deeply shit action, and a deal-breaker, regardless of whether any actual sex occurred.

It is not the action of a considerate, respectful, or faithful man. No genitalia need to have touched for it to be an inconsiderate, disrespectful, or unfaithful action.

Up to OP to decide for herself where she draws the line.

Jan45 · 13/12/2013 16:18

Yes setting up a profile could be a deal breaker for some, not for all.

I agree with you but he won't be the first man to be caught and the OP won't be the first woman to stick with him.

If things have been shit for a while in the relationship then this sort of thing can happen, not saying it's right but with all these bloody sites, it's really not difficult to set up a profile but it doesn't actually mean every single person who does that is out having sex with strangers. Clearly it's a massive red flag for the OP to find out what has gone so wrong in their relationship, what she does about it is entirely up to her.

oscarwilde · 13/12/2013 16:19

OP - that is a horrible shock. Do you have children together?

He shouldn't know it is from the same computer unless he searches the history. Your IP address won't be available to him. You will need to clear all caches though.

Do people put this sort of thing on Match.com or are there sites for people interested in just hooking up? I have a close friend who thinks her DH is doing this sort of thing [comes to the UK regularly for work] but I can't google this sort of thing or my DH will think I am up to no good.

mammadiggingdeep · 13/12/2013 16:22

Deal breaker unless he 1) admits and 2) tells you how he'll fix this.

Even then I think the damage is done. How can you be intimate again? Every time he wants to do something he put on the site as a preference you'll feel sick!!!!

CaptainHindsight · 13/12/2013 16:29

Tom "BTW we are all what I think you would class as decent guys, hard working, trustworthy, mostly married family men with children etc (just a bit daft when on a beer sometimes)"

No, you're not.

SandyDilbert · 13/12/2013 17:04

oscarwilde - yes there are websites which are just for folk looking for sex, clearly state they are married/in relationship, but want some no strings fun. Is sickening reading.

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