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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H told me he wants to leave me

61 replies

Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 14:55

Apparently he hates me and has been thinking this a while.
We have 2 kids, DS is1 and DD is 3...I am a SAHM.

Jesus, what the hell is going to happen to me and the kids..I have no family in this country, I'm not from here. I have no job, no money, no house, nothing. Jesus.

he can't mean it surely.
I know it's been hard since DS was born because he doesn't ever sleep and I'm either tired or sick all the time but I though he understood.

he's gone to sleep now. sleep.

Oh god.

OP posts:
Original poster
Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 14:57

Crying and the kids are with me.

Had a horrible morning and now this. No no no

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MissScatterbrain · 12/12/2013 14:59

So sorry Sad

Please don't think you are to blame. He probably has someone else.

You need to get advice and this link will help. You are entitled to financial help and you will get it - he is legally obliged to support his DC.

Original poster
Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 15:01

I can't be in this situation though. I can't.
he can't leave us. I will not survive.
I'm borderline depressed as it is and physical health is failing me.

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Original poster
Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 15:02

have to go now. kids need me. be back later

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Longdistance · 12/12/2013 15:02

What country are you in?

Will you be able to leave?

MissScatterbrain · 12/12/2013 15:03

Go and see your doctor to get help. You need to contact family (phone?) and friends for their support.

You must survive - you have the DC to think of.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/12/2013 15:05

Sorry you're in this situation. You sound incredibly shocked. I'm appalled at a man that drops a bombshell like that and then casually goes to sleep. If he had any decency he'd have left and I suggest your next move is to make him do just that while you work out what to do next. Do you have any friends you could talk to or be with? If your family are overseas, can you call them?

You're going to need legal and financial advice at some stage but, for now, get him out of the house, be with people that care about you and give yourself chance to get your strength back.

LEMisafucker · 12/12/2013 15:07

What a callous bastard he is :( Well, you need some practical legal advice, i am sure there are plenty of ladies who can help here. Can you move back home? Do you have family who you could go to?

Diagonally · 12/12/2013 15:08

Are you in the UK? There are lots of MNers who are on their own with DC (me included) who can offer you practical advice, maybe some local to you as well. Dont despair.

Original poster
Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 15:10

I'm in the UK.
He said he doesn't love me anymore.

But I do.

How is DD going to live without her beloved father, she adores him.
How can he do this.
I can't tell amyone, then it will be real.

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Original poster
Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 15:11

He will not go.
He said 'you will see when I'm gone'
Just like that, so easy.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/12/2013 15:12

If you have a history of depression, please talk to your doctor as well as getting other support. It's just speculation on my part but don't be surprised if you discover that living with him has been a trigger for your depression. I know it's been a terrible shock but you not only will survive this, you may even discover you are in better shape.

Original poster
Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 15:12

My friends are all his friends too, I can't tell anyone.

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Original poster
Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 15:12

I've tried so hard to keep on top of everything but I just have been finding it so hard.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/12/2013 15:15

His attitude appears to be that he thinks he's calling the shots. This is now a power-struggle and you have to assert yourself. I know it's difficult but you have to find the strength to tell him to piss off..... now, not when it suits him.

Your DD will, like a lot of other children, have to experience a two-centre family from now on. And I know you don't want to talk to others but, when you do, you'll get a lot of support. His behaviour is appalling and shameful but it's his shame, not yours.

Timetoask · 12/12/2013 15:15

I am so sorry Flora. Your husband is being a very week person. It is very hard for couples with small children, toddlers are very demanding and tiring, your husband needs to be stronger and realise that sometimes these feelings are just a phase.
Can you go to marriage counselling? Are your family far away?

Timetoask · 12/12/2013 15:15

sorry, should have been "weak" person.

Vivacia · 12/12/2013 15:16

Can you secure your finances? And anything else you'd be worried about him taking?

He's got a head start and you'll be in shock, but we can help you take back control.

lemmingcurd · 12/12/2013 15:19

so sorry to hear of yr situation. Of course you can tell friends. Reach out to people, if they are friends they will help. If they don't then they are not friends. Keep talking on MN if nothing else. You will work it through one step atva time

Leavenheath · 12/12/2013 15:23

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, love.

Your partner has said he hates you and wants to leave and given that this is just about the cruellest way to communicate a change of feelings and a desire to end a relationship, chances are there is an OW.

You're in so much shock that I wouldn't expect you to be able to be rational about this situation, but we can be. When a relationship hits trouble without outside interference, the usual way of resolving the situation is to discuss unhappiness and to try everything to save the relationship, especially when children are involved.

Whereas when someone else is involved and a person wants to leave for her straightaway, there is no desire to have relationship discussions or look for solutions. The objective is to get out of the relationship in the quickest way possible, burning all chances of reconciliation or resolution.

Protect your legal rights first and foremost and accept that he wants out of the relationship and that you can no longer live with someone who says he hates you. Cog's right too- I should think that your depression's causes are at least partially attributable to living with a cruel man.

Original poster
Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 15:25

Seriously I can't tell anyone.

I can't deal with this right now, how is this even possible.

Last night we were talking about a holiday next year and now this.

I'm so tired.

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happytalk13 · 12/12/2013 15:26

How long have you been here in this country? Is there anyone who is just your friend? You need to talk to someone.

He's being a twat as as Cogit says this is now a power struggle - he is interested in games to control you...so you need to take control right now.

First bill of order - solicitor - find out your rights. If he has been abusing you in any way (and financial abuse is I believe now considered domestic abuse in the UK) make sure you mention that to the solicitor - you may be able to get legal aid when there is evidence of domestic abuse.

Do not leave the house. He needs to leave. Do not promise him anything. Do not hand over your bank cards if you have any.

Make an appointment with women's aid - they have information and links to resources that could be invaluable to you.

Sorry you are going through this.

Original poster
Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 15:29

panicking now.
this is not happening.

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happytalk13 · 12/12/2013 15:29

Oh, and above all...this isn't your fault. Don't let him guilt you into thinking it is so he can wheedle you around to his way of thinking - it is not your fault. Be prepared to say the word no and say it again and again.

Original poster
Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 15:31

I need to take DS to the hospital tomorrow...oh god.

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