Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H told me he wants to leave me

61 replies

Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 14:55

Apparently he hates me and has been thinking this a while.
We have 2 kids, DS is1 and DD is 3...I am a SAHM.

Jesus, what the hell is going to happen to me and the kids..I have no family in this country, I'm not from here. I have no job, no money, no house, nothing. Jesus.

he can't mean it surely.
I know it's been hard since DS was born because he doesn't ever sleep and I'm either tired or sick all the time but I though he understood.

he's gone to sleep now. sleep.

Oh god.

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 12/12/2013 15:32

The language you're using just confirms you are in deep shock. Your GP can help with that, because shock does cause physical symptoms which can be alleviated with medical help.

Tell us about the build-up to this if it would help. Think about his behaviour over the past few months and any changes you've noticed, either in behaviour or circumstances i.e. how he is with his phone, any new jobs or hobbies, changes in attitudes or behaviour towards you.

Original poster
Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 15:32

But I love him...I don't want him to leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 15:34

He hasn't changed...been the same as ever with phone etc.
I really don't think he has another woman, he is always either at work or at home or out with the kids.
He has been critical of a few things,,,housework, sex not happening because i'm so exhausted,
Last week he seemed angry that I was sick again.
I don't know.
I love him, he is my husband.

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 12/12/2013 15:34

Bank some emergency money in a separate account asap.

Original poster
Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 15:34

My baby is 14 months today, so sad.

OP posts:
SandyDilbert · 12/12/2013 15:35

you can't make him stay though and you can't make him love you. Pack his bags and get him out is my advice - you need to find the strength from somewhere. Tell a friend, doctor - someone who can give you real life support. You need to in some tiny way take control of this awful situation. He is detached already, prob been planning this for months. Sorry, but the odds are he has someone else.

find your anger and harness it and protect yourself.

TalkativeJim · 12/12/2013 15:35

You are married.

You have money - the family money.

You have a house - the marital home.

If you divorce, you - the childrens' carer - will get the bigger slice.

Tell him you and the children won't be going anywhere. See a solicitor and tell your DH if he wants out - pack himself a bag.

Original poster
Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 15:36

I have no money, he pays my card off each month and I pay the rent etc off my account.
I have nothing, everything is joint.

OP posts:
Original poster
Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 15:37

But I need him. I need him to love me.
I am so alone.
I have failed again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 15:37

My poor children.

OP posts:
SandyDilbert · 12/12/2013 15:37

and once he has gone you can apply for income support/child tax credit, housing and council tax benefit plus he will have to pay you child support. You can get money and you will not starve.

Original poster
Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 15:37

We rent, I will not be able to pay the rent.

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 12/12/2013 15:40

What does 'the same as ever with phone' mean? Is it password protected and if so do you know the code? Can you see his bills?

I've seen years worth of threads from women who say 'he doesn't have the time because he only goes to work' only for it to emerge that the OW was a work colleague and they were synchronising time off or leaving early, or that there was an online friendship involved or lies about going to a regular hobby.

SandyDilbert · 12/12/2013 15:40

you will qualify for housing benefit I am sure.

Original poster
Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 15:42

He works on his own, in his own business, no colleagues.
I use his phone regularly to msg my parents abroad or to use the internet etc...no change there.
No hobby.
I read his facebook with him etc...seriously I can't believe there is someone else.
I think he just can't hack the fact that I am not the same person I was 3 yers ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 15:43

I'm tired, I'm ill often and I depend on him now...rather than being independent with hobbies and a job of my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 15:44

I know he has been finding it hard too but I never thougt he would leave us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 15:45

We even went through a horrid health scare in the summer and were so happy to come over the other side.

OP posts:
Original poster
Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 15:45

I can't lose him.

OP posts:
bestsonever · 12/12/2013 15:49

Exactly, you are married so everything is joint so do you see that more than half of what he has is yours.
Also, what are you on and off sick with, are you under medical treatment for it as that is not normal and if it can be sorted out will help some

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/12/2013 15:49

He said he 'hates' you. He hasn't said he can't cope or he's tired or he wants a bit more romance. None of those things. He's actually used the word 'hate' and that's a pretty strong statement. Of course you can't switch off your love and I know you're very worried how you'll cope alone but it is a really bad idea to be around someone who openly admits to hatred.

Original poster
Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 15:50

My immune system is very low due to lack of sleep over the last year...constant cycle of mouth ulcers, conjunctivitis, colds, stomach bugs...fatigue and weakness.
The cure is rest...and I can't get any rest.

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 12/12/2013 15:55

Could your parents or relatives send you some money to book some flights home so that you can take the children for a break back home? Would your family help look after the children so that you could recuperate and recover?

As you've got no property to divide and the children aren't yet at school and you have some freedom to go away when you want to, would this help?

You really shouldn't stay with a man who says he hates you and if you've got no-one to talk to here who have only your interests at heart, you need to get to a place where you do have people to talk to.

Original poster
Florabeebaby · 12/12/2013 16:16

I just have to get through today somehow. cant stop crying let alone think practical

OP posts:
Vivacia · 13/12/2013 09:59

How are you this morning Flora? What happened over night?

Swipe left for the next trending thread