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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex wants unsupervised contact.

54 replies

WhySoDifficult · 11/12/2013 21:36

Name changed, as I don't want to be recognised. I need some impartial advice. This may be rambling, but I don't know what my next steps are.

My ex has a history of lying, emotional abuse, alcoholism, drug abuse and a gambling addiction. He owes me thousands of pounds. We have a Ds together who is 1.5. He has not lived with us since he was born. Ex has put himself through drink and drug rehab and anger management counselling as he wanted us back and to be a family. I was strong enough that this has not happened. His temper hasn't changed and he still drinks, though not to the extent he used to.

Ex now wants to have unsupervised contact with Ds as he does not want to see me.

I am not comfortable with Ex being left with Ds unsupervised, he does not have any family or friends locally or trustworthy who would be able to assist with contact. My family will have nothing to do with him after everything he put me and Ds through. He has not spent any time alone with Ds since he was born, in fact, he has not spent any time without me being with Ds. He once threatened that he would take Ds away and that I would never see him again.

Where can I go from here? I have no trust in him, I can see no positive outcome in letting him spend time alone with Ds while he is so young.

OP posts:

Annoyedparent · 11/12/2013 21:42

Been in similar situation myself although my D is six. Does ex have parental responsibility? Mine thankfully doesn't. I personally wouldn't allow it. Your DS is still very young. I hoped beyond hope my ex had changed like he promised me but he hand and weeks ago he hurt our son in front of me. If your instinct tells you no then please don't allow it. You have your beautiful son's best

Annoyedparent · 11/12/2013 21:43

Interest s at heart. I have social services involved now because of my ex.

perfectstorm · 11/12/2013 21:53

If he treated you this way, how can he be trusted with a toddler alone? He isn't even suggesting any ways of moving this forward constructively in slow stages, either.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid, and was his abuse documented anywhere? If he's been through rehab and anger management then WA may be able to get you Legal Aid.

I'm afraid I think you should refuse to facilitate this and let him apply via the courts. He doesn't sound a safe or responsible person to leave in charge of a very, very young child, and if he wants a relationship with him it needs to be allowed to develop slowly and over time, in a child-centred way.

fifi669 · 11/12/2013 22:02

If you think your DC is in danger, refuse unsupervised contact and let the courts decide should he contest it.

Original poster

WhySoDifficult · 11/12/2013 22:03

Unfortunately he's on the birth certificate. The extent of his behaviour didn't become apparent until a couple of weeks after Ds was born. His abuse was not documented. I had a disastrous birth, Ds was premature, I was seriously ill, Ds and I were hospitalised. He managed to clear out my bank account, and gamble my flat deposit and savings leaving me and Ds homeless when we were released. I was in no frame of mind to deal with it properly at the time so moved back in with my parents for a few months.

Will WA deal with my situation or have advice for me? I am no longer with him. He is fine as long as he sees Ds, but I don't know how badly he will turn when he realises he won't get unsupervised access. I cannot put my baby into his care, I don't trust him, the thought makes me feel physically sick.

OP posts:

Annoyedparent · 11/12/2013 22:13

Please ring Womens Aid, they gave me the guidance to report ex to police , social worker has also interviewed us an noted the negative effect of ex' behaviour on DS. Don't allow anything you're unhappy with. Women's Aid can also point you in direction of local DV support groups. You sound like you've one remarkably well for yourself and D against all the odds. Well done. Don l him bring you down. What an awful thing to do with your money, made even worse by fact you were in hospital with premature baby .

perfectstorm · 11/12/2013 22:20

Your child is still at risk from him and his abuse still affects you, and you're scared of his reaction when you don't do what he wants. That's an abusive dynamic. Call, leave a message asking them to call you back, and see what advice they can offer?

You don't have to put the baby in his care. You just don't. Let him take legal action to try, seriously. It will buy you time at absolute worst and ensure contact is supervised as next best - and best of all, he may not even bother, as he certainly isn't entitled to legal aid and he doesn't exactly sound a committed father.

perfectstorm · 11/12/2013 22:22

Ex has put himself through drink and drug rehab and anger management counselling

If he really has, and those aren't convenient lies, then that should be on record. Again, and as the previous poster has said, you need to run all this via Women's Aid. You deserve help - you've been through enough from this bastard already.

Original poster

WhySoDifficult · 11/12/2013 22:23

Thank you Annoyed that means a lot. I've not spoken to anyone about any of this. I will have a look at the WA website and see if they might be able to point me in the right direction. It is silly, but it feels like a relief to write down even just a little of what I've been through. I hope your situation gets better for you and your Dc.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhySoDifficult · 11/12/2013 22:27

Perfectstorm thank you as well. I think I have minimised so much for myself so that I can just get on with life normally, that to have people take it seriously puts it in perspective.

OP posts:

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 11/12/2013 22:30

Remember, contact is about the benefit of the child, your DS wont benefit from contact with a man who has many issues and is not equipped to look after an infant properly.

Suggest a contact centre if you considering contact with your DS, but that is all you are allowing for now.

Annoyedparent · 11/12/2013 22:32

Thanks why so. You too. There's a forum on WA that I've just joined. My ex had come off drug s,showed me positive letters from his supported living about how he'd turned his lif around. He is still not anywhere near ready to be a father to DS, he is still selfish. Definitely refuse contact I you don't feel comfortable. It will cost him £1000s through courts if he does want to fight it.

Original poster

WhySoDifficult · 11/12/2013 22:46

I have looked at contact centres tonight, they seem to need referrals through either courts, SS and CAFCASS, or self referral and charge a small fortune.

I started this tonight as he's had a drink and is demanding contact. He's swinging from being aggressive on the phone, to being depressive. He still has a hold over me as I worry a about his mental health and wellbeing. How, after everything, do I still care?

OP posts:

Lweji · 11/12/2013 22:50

First of all, cut phone contact. Is he calling or texting?

Abusive texts and a torrent of texts should be reported to the police.

Lweji · 11/12/2013 22:51

And you care because you are a nice person.
Nice people care about each other. It's very difficult to let go of that frame of mind, sadly, but you will have to. He's on his own and he's not your responsibility.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 11/12/2013 22:57

You still care because you actually have empathy and compassion and have the ability to worry about others and not just yourself, thats why you care.

Original poster

WhySoDifficult · 11/12/2013 23:01

Thank you for replying, I think tonight I might be starting to crack. He's drunk, on the phone, swearing at people in the street and asking me what he can do to get another chance. I just don't know how to handle it any more. If I don't answer the phone he might turn up here, at least if I talk to him I am usually able to talk him into going home without causing damage to anyone or anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhySoDifficult · 11/12/2013 23:02

That sounds really stupid, but it's like I'm his voice of reason. I have spent so many years talking him out of fits if anger that it is just normal to me.

OP posts:

Annoyedparent · 11/12/2013 23:02

Totally understand where you're coming from. I'm mad with ex for hurting DS and everything he's done over the years but I still care about him and worry every single day that he's OK. I doubt he gives me and DS a second thought. In fact the he hurt DS I told him it was over he went straight onto Facebook declaring his love for another ex of his and has now gone back to her. Its normal to still care from what I've read on WA forum. All my friends and family here think I'm mad for caring about him.

Lweji · 11/12/2013 23:03

Text him to stop calling or you'll call the police. Lock yourself in and if he shows up, ring the police.
That alone should give you enough evidence to push for supervised contact.

It's a pain to ride it, but it's not worse than putting up with abusive drunk phone calls.

I've been there.

Lweji · 11/12/2013 23:06

Oh, yes, I spent 30 min on the phone talking him out of killing himself. Apparently he had a knife to his throat at some point. Thankfully I had my "voice of reason" sister with me who eventually told me it was his problem. I'd have had to hang up anyway, as the phone battery was dying.

You really do not have to put up with this. Let the police or whoever be the voice of reason.

Original poster

WhySoDifficult · 11/12/2013 23:20

I know what you are saying is right. I have said the same to a friend in similar circumstances, but I have that thought stuck saying what if he does something stupid this time.

OP posts:

mintberry · 11/12/2013 23:20

Oh no, OP.

Not really qualified to give advice, but I would be refusing contact if I were faced with that situation, your ex doesn't sound trustworthy with a baby.

Lweji · 11/12/2013 23:23

I doubt he will and if you are really worried call emergency services or his parents.
You really are not responsible for him.

And the less you give him, the less reason he has to pester you.
It's amazing what a lack of response can do. Really. He may raise up his game for a while, but if you persist on not replying he will lose interest.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 12/12/2013 09:21

He wont harm himself, hes saying that to get your attention.

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