Ex wants unsupervised contact.

[WhySoDifficult]

Name changed, as I don't want to be recognised. I need some impartial advice. This may be rambling, but I don't know what my next steps are.

My ex has a history of lying, emotional abuse, alcoholism, drug abuse and a gambling addiction. He owes me thousands of pounds. We have a Ds together who is 1.5. He has not lived with us since he was born. Ex has put himself through drink and drug rehab and anger management counselling as he wanted us back and to be a family. I was strong enough that this has not happened. His temper hasn't changed and he still drinks, though not to the extent he used to.

Ex now wants to have unsupervised contact with Ds as he does not want to see me.

I am not comfortable with Ex being left with Ds unsupervised, he does not have any family or friends locally or trustworthy who would be able to assist with contact. My family will have nothing to do with him after everything he put me and Ds through. He has not spent any time alone with Ds since he was born, in fact, he has not spent any time without me being with Ds. He once threatened that he would take Ds away and that I would never see him again.

Where can I go from here? I have no trust in him, I can see no positive outcome in letting him spend time alone with Ds while he is so young.

Thanks for your support last night. He's woken this morning not remembering anything he's said or done. This used to be a regular occurrence, so I guess fallen back into old habits. As far as I'm aware it's just drink he's back on. It's all such a balancing act, I feel that Ds should know and spend time with his father, but not if it will effect him negatively, and definitely not unsupervised.

Can I just ask - given what you've described, why do you think DS should see and know his father? Genuine question. That father has been abusive on almost every front and ensured DS was homeless when a premature and very unwell baby. Surely Skype and letter contact would be better when he is so small? Your ex is not about to change, from all you've said - and as your son grows up, he will do so longing for his father to love him, when that father appears incapable of it. The damage that can do is potentially incalculable.

Almost all fathers/mothers are better than none. I'm afraid I think your ex sounds very much as if he may fall under the exception to that rule.

Cut this man out of your life, refuse all contact with him. Let him take you to court if he wants to see DS - he is unlikely to bother to do so.
Honestly, he is nothing but a drain on your resources. He won't be so obliging as to kill himself, but with a bit of luck he will manage to get run over - or rob the wrong person and get himself stabbed - and then you will be free of him. He's not worth wasting any time or effort on.
As your DS gets older, you can tell him that his father was one of those troubled people who can't look after themselves or anyone else, or some other suitable kind versiion of the truth. Best of luck.

I know it sounds so cliche, he loves Ds, and he is very good with him. He puts on a very good show, but I have no trust in him. I still feel that some things he did were my fault, or could have been prevented if I had paid attention or seen through his lies. I know rationally that it wouldn't have made a difference, he is who he is, but it is what I was told by him and others.

I know that I need to stop contact, I promised myself that Ds would not have a father like mine, as not having one would be better, but the fall out from pit will be huge.

OP - read back your last comment.

He doesn't love DS.
He is not good with him.
It is all show - you say that yourself.
It is not your fault.
You could not prevent it.
Your DS is better off with no father than the drunken waste of space that is the sperm donor.

He doesn't love DS at all, sorry, but he doesn't. Just look at what he's done to him - and look at how much pressure and stress and attention he demands from you. That impacts badly on his child, too.

Have you been in touch with Women's Aid yet? I think you could really, really benefit from the Freedom Programme, from what other women here have said. You're still locked into the mindset of seeing things from a "he has problems and it's down to me to fix them" perspective. You aren't, can't and won't, but he'll drain you very eagerly while you can be conned into believing that bullshit. He's playing you, I'm afraid, and abusing your kindness and the fact a normal person can't believe someone could claim to love and then do this shit. Basically he's abused you and your child long enough, surely? And the only person who can protect DS from more at his father's hands is you.

I thinik you've maybe been persuaded into the mindset that this man is some kind of tragic hero or flawed but beautiful precious creature. He's just a lazy selfish wanker. You and your child are much more important and valuable than he is.

He can't be 'very good with him' if he's never been on his own with him. There is far more to being a 'very good' parent than that. Plus making his son homeless is pretty hard to overcome as a black mark. This is all about making you do what he wants, not about love for his son at all. Don't give in. Tell him he's welcome to go the legal route if he wants and you will now communicate directly with his solicitors at all times, so he should not contact you again. And do call the police if he does, or shows up. You are not responsible for fixing him - you can't even do that, and it will damage you more if you try.

He can show his love for his son by sorting himself out and respecting the person who is providing all his ds' care and security atm.

Keep a diary of twatty behaviour

tell him no phone contact, get caller id, he can email you

If he harrasses you calmly tell him to leave or you will phone the police, and do it if you have to. Have the non emergency police station number written by your phone. They had a questionaire (has he ever controlled or stopped you accessing money etc) and will decide if it is classed as domestic abuse. My local Women's Aid had a similar questionnaire and were happy to give me counselling covering my relationships with other people, plans for future etc. They had playworker who played with ds while I talked to them by the way.

I haven't been in touch with WA yet, I still think they'd just laugh. I'm not stuck in a relationship with him, he has no actual control over me, just stupid emotional stuff that I should be strong enough to deal with by now.

SGB I think you have it spot on, he is a lazy selfish wanker.

I absolutely promise you, they wouldn't laugh. It's not funny, is it? And you say you aren't in a relationship with him... I think what you mean is you aren't sleeping with him anymore. If he calls you up when drunk and angry and you feel responsible for handling his state of mind, you're in some sort of a relationship. And that is what they can help you resolve.

WA will patently not laugh at you. The only person laughing at you here is your ex.

Why do you persist with the somewhat quaint and naive notion that he is somehow good with your DS?. Is the truth of the matter too painful for you to contemplate?.

You are still co-dependent on this man.

You're still being played by this man even though he is no longer in your life day to day. He does not have to be with you to control you and emotional manipulation such as he is dishing out is very powerful. You are still being punished by him for leaving him. Such men only care about their own self, no-one else matters.

BTW if he is sending abusive text messages he is breaking the law here.

Never give this person unsupervised contact; the man can barely keep himself together as it is. Why would you put your son in potential harm's way?.

You also come across as codependent i.e putting his needs and wants well ahead of yours. No it is not down to you to fix him and it never has. But you learnt co-dependency from somewhere probably in your own childhood.

I would also suggest you start reading "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie as well as speaking to Womens Aid today.

He is good (pays him attention, enjoys playing with etc) with Ds as I have not given him the chance not to be. Contact has always been short periods of time. He's not had any unsupervised contact as I do not trust him.

You're all right, I know you are, and I can see that I'm being one of those annoying people that just won't listen to the advice I've been given. I need to cut all contact, I need to stop thinking he's my responsibility purely because he's Ds's father, I just need to strength to actually do it all.

I will look into getting a copy of the book and I will try and phone WA today.

How did you get on?

It's been a hectic weekend. It took a lot to actually just type in and try to phone the number, unfortunately I forgot there must be credit on a mobile to make a freephone call as it's not included in standard contract minutes. I don't have a house phone, so I'm going to my parents tomorrow while they are out.

It's stupid, it's just a phone call, but it is, to me, taking a big step forward in admitting that he still has a form of hold on me. I will do it tomorrow. I'm sorry for dragging this out. I keep re reading your comments, they make sense and are the kind of thoughts I block out so that I can pretend that things will just work out and that he'll either magically turn normal or disappear.

Don't think of it as cutting him out of your son's life try to think of it as helping him getting clean and sober. He claims to have been thru rehab yet is still using (alcohol counts as still using) . Let him know there will be no more contact with DS or you until he is clean and sober.
Are there any al anon groups local to you, that might be helpful for you.

It is hard, taking that step. Ask them about the Freedom Programme, when you make the call. It's apparently brilliant - helps women see the brainwashing that abusive relationships inflict, in terms of taking responsibility for the actions/wellbeing of the abuser.

You aren't to blame for any of it - what he did, how hard it is to move away from. But there's help to do that, and I think your DS badly needs you to access it. Hang on in there.

where is he seeing ds at the momeent?
are you supervising?

look if you saying it has to be supervised makes him try to kill himself - well elt him as you wil then have proof of his instability...jsut make sure you call police to report it. he isnt going to really kill himself is he?

call WA. they brilliant on the phone

Do bear in mind that even if this man were to pull himself together sufficiently to go to court for access, he wouldn't necessarily get it. You would be able to insist on drugs/alcohol testing before he is allowed to see DS and drag the process out. At present you need a paper trail; a diary of his bad behaviour and any other evidence (eg abusive texts or emails, or police involvement if he has been aggressive or refused to leave your house.)
He's not a good father. He's not capable of being one. It's OK to cut him out of your lives as much as possible, certainly to refuse any contact between him and you other than email.

I called today. I have been signposted to organisations that I can get legal advice from, and have been told to check the website for the freedom program thingy. It was a very basic conversation. I will call another organisation tomorrow to see if I can get further.

I currently supervise the contact, he's not allowed to my property, it's a clause in my rental agreement, so we meet in public places.

This has all kicked off this time because he wants us to get back together, and when I told him AGAIN that I would not put myself in that position again, he decided he wants to see Ds without me as he couldn't possibly see me if I do not want to be with him.

As others have said, given the history and his threatening suicide it's evidence that he shouldn't see DS. Bluntly, has it never crossed your mind that if he ever were to try to kill himself because you wouldn't take him back, he might intend to take DS with him? Thankfully that is incredibly, incredibly rare, but an angry, controlling alcoholic who has already demonstrated that DS' needs mean nothing to him is perhaps a higher risk than most, too. And it's a very effective way of punishing a woman who won't fall into line, isn't it.

I think you need to speak to social services about your concerns, to be honest. As has been said, you need a paper trail.

Tell this man to fuck right off and that he can sue if he wants access to your DS.Then make sure you have all your evidence etc in place, maybe even consider a non-molestation order to keep him right away from the two of you. He doesn't matter. DS will be better off with minimal contact with a selfish, unpredictable alcoholic: it's much better to have no father than have a shit one.

Is he asking for unsupervised contact because he is considering taking your child to 'persuade' you to allow him back into a relationship with you?

TBH, and with due respect because you seem like a really nice person, but WTF are you even asking this question?

He is alcoholic, gambling, depressive, in denial, and threatens self harm when he can't get what he wants, and takes up your time to 'talk him down', and threatens that he will take your child. And then he claims amnesia. Oh yes, he sounds perfect to care for a child during unsupervised contact.

Keep seeing him if you want to, but don't let him have unsupervised contact with your child. You cannot cure or change him. In many respects you'd be better letting him apply for access through the courts.

You have no financial dependence on him, you're not married, you have a supportive family and you get by without him. Cut him out. He's not even fit for supervised contact. No one who threatens to take your child so that you will never see them again is EVER to be trusted.