Would you want to LTB?

[Nottynosey]

After a final argument about a sodding packet of biscuits, I told H I wanted him to leave on Sunday. I've had enough of his selfishness, moods and the way he treats me. This has been a slow burner for me, its been simmering since I got pregnant with DD (3).

He wants me to give it one more try. Says I must accept responsibility too. He thinks I have done this because of my interpretation of events and my version of the last three years is not based on facts and its about how I feel. He says we have had a stressful few years and his behaviour is not the reason our relationship is failing.

I accept we have had pressure, which any young family in a recession have, but this is not why I want out.

I know I don't have to justify yourself, but I feel like I do, to myself more than anything. So please tell me, would you LTB or give him another chance (he has already had a fair few)...

I will stick to the facts and undeniable events rather then feelings, but here is a mere snapshot

• When I was pregnant, he would roll his eyes whenever I mentioned a symptom or spoke about it, saying I was moaning and he wasn't going to give me attention

• On the night I went into labour, I was contracting on the floor and he had his head under pillow on the bed trying to sleep and told me to be quiet cos neighbours would hear.

• My friends who gave birth around the same time all got given gifts by their partners, he told me he wasn't going to buy me anything because nobody would buy him anything and its not fair because he can't give birth

• Never helped with nights and wouldn't even give me a lie in on my 30th birthday

• If DD was clingy with me, he would say I was doing it deliberately

• He rejected me sexually for 18 months because he preferred porn

• After we did have sex, I tried to talk about if things were different down there after childbirth as I was concerned and he refused to discuss it because it was gross.

• after another time he said the sex had been hard work and complained about something I had done during foreplay. I've not done it since.

• Didn't want to help when we moved house so booked in extra work. The day before the move, DD and I both got a stomach bug and he refused to help pack

• Would get home from work at 2am and wake me by putting TV on, typing with laptop on his knee and playing music in bed next to me and wouldn't stop so I'd have to go to spare room

• The night before we went on holiday, started an almighty row because I hadn't finished packing when he got in from work (I'd been working too)

• Would give me silent treatment whenever I went out (very rare)

• Very moody and often sits on the settee in silence after a bad day at work

• If I ever tried to talk about things would eye roll, call me a nag or just sit in silence. Or tell me I was being unfair by bringing something up, he said he was sorry and that is the end if it

• Ruins every night/day out we have with an illness or constant complaining

• Has lost all his friends and won't entertain the idea of any social life

• Sits and watches telly and calls some of the women fat pigs and other foul names, which I really hate

• When we went away with his family, DD didnt sleep for two nights, screamed a lot of the time. I wanted to go home a day early as we were exhausted but he refused to upset his mother

• When I told him I felt so low I had been given anti depressants by the doctor and was wondering whether to start taking them, he didn't ever mention it again

• Always trying to stop me eat/drink nice things. He can't cope with too much fun or indulgence. So on Sunday when he wouldn't let me open a packet of biscuits I snapped.

There's more, so much more.
Does it sound like the kind of thing you should be able to work through?

Thanks walter x

Sits and watches telly and calls some of the women fat pigs and other foul names, which I really hate

Everything you have said is horrible... but this just says it all really. Women are "less than" and you have a daughter. It's a no brainer.

Never let your daughter see you two in a relationship again.

The counsellor really won't say anything negative on one visit.

They will get both sides to speak and ask the other side how they feel about the statements made. They usually ensure that person has the uninterrupted space to do this. sometimes what you don't say shouts a thousand times louder than what he does say.

He will come off a lot worse having to explain the behaviour behind your list to another grown adult.

He will then declare that the counsellor is crap also.

Been there, done that.

So if it pacifies him for a few weeks while he is providing for his family and living somewhere else then I would do it. You don't have to give any intention that you want to save the marriage. Counselling can also be used as a way of getting to the end of the marriage too. You can state this in January when you feel stronger.

Legal advice is of the essence op. Why are you talking of moving out. He can't start blocking off savings and cash from you either, unless you have a prenup?

It's your choice of course but the general rule of thumb is not to engage in any counselling sessions with an abuser.

He sounds just like my DH.

I wish I'd got out when DD was 3, I kept trying to make it work but I can't because I can't fix him. I think you've made the right choice - good luck with getting out and letting the fog in your head clear.

You will be entitled to at least half of the savings. If you cannot access them at least find proof of the amount, (bank statement, online banking?) and take a copy.

Morning, How you doing?

It's been a bit of a weird morning, he insisted on driving over to take DD to nursery. Suddenly that is an essential piece of parenting he cannot miss out on.

He's now been here ever since; washing, using the computer, going to the shop and coming back with a nice lunch for both of us. He went for a run because he has decided he needs a hobby.

No cross words or requests to talk. I haven't said much, just done my cleaning and settled down to work as I am working from home today. I ate the lunch.

It's really weird to tell you the truth.

I am thinking this has definitely crossed these boundaries and lines I am supposed to be enforcing. Its not making me change my mind. I have thought maybe just do what I need to do to get me through these next four weeks?

Thanks for asking

Oh and to be clear, he hasn't moved back in. No way!
He has to leave for work at 3pm. I'm assuming he wants to hang around until then.

He really is a creepy, controlling bastard.

If you won't stop letting him into the house, you need to make yourself scarce the next time (and there WILL be a next time) he pulls this shit.

It's not that I wont but I don't feel like I can!

He knows I don't want him here but what I want doesn't matter. I have told him what days he can see DD and after today I will go to my mums on those days.

Or... you change the locks and do handovers at the door.

It's a rental and the agreement is in his name, plus I need his financial support for the next few weeks. I have enough for food etc but I really need him to pay the rent next week.

I know this sounds really calculating.

I probably need to just go to my mums. I know she won't like that though. DD is a really bad sleeper and makes a lot of noise. My DMs husband is not at all child friendly.

Ill speak to her

I suppose if the agreement is in his name, he has to pay it anyway though

He is going to move back in when I leave as far as I know. So he cant fall behind on the rent. Although he hasn't actually made concrete plans yet probably because he doesn't believe I will actually go

Whether he pays or not it's not relevant. You can't be evicted just like that within a week.
But if it's in his name, I'd be getting out asap, yes.

Oh, and calculate away. :) It's only fair.

I'd love to move out before Christmas but I don't get paid until next month, I've found a place and applied for it but can't pay the deposit until second week in jan.

Just spoke to my mum and I can tell she really doesn't want us to go there. She said if it gets desperate we can. Her place is so small so I do understand but the last thing I want to do is feel like an imposition.

I'm just going to have to sit tight

Yes sit tight.

Yes wait until you can pay your deposit.

But...

That doesn't mean you have to spend the day with him!

If he wants to take dd to nursery - meet him at the front door with dd packed up.

If he wants to have a nice lunch, he can have it elsewhere.

If he wants to come in "I'm just off out, sorry".

This is part of his manipulation tactics. He's trying to reel you back in.

And I'm sure you can fit a deadbolt or a chain.

Yeah you're right!

Although in my defence I was working upstairs and he was downstairs. He plonked my lunch on my desk!

But yes, next time I'll go out. Although I imagine when he figures out that's what I'm doing he'll turn up all the time and I'll never be able to get anything done at home cos ill be sat in cafes!

Never mind...not long now...!

You know what, I think I am going to stay away from men forever!!

That's an ideas lweji

I could say its cos I feel unsafe

Yes do that. Fit a deadbolt for security.

Then when he knocks in for dd open the door on the chain, say (ever so politely) I'll just get her for you, then leave him waiting outside and say your goodbyes to dd outside the flat.

Also, I think you should give yourself plenty of time alone and rebuild your confidence and self esteem but forever is a very long time!

If you meet someone down the road, great. If not, also great because it's better than being with an abuser!

But there are some decent ones out there!

Tell him that he can think what he fucking likes, because its OVER.

I actually think those things you have said ARE a form of abuse. Hes worn you down, and now hes gaslighting you, pretending that the way you have perceived it, isnt true. Hes trying to make you question your own mind.

Hes completely unreasonable, and if you went to a solicitor, those things would be MORE than reasonable grounds for a divorce.

Youve had enough. And about bloody time. Dont let him ruin any more of your life.

Thanks. I feel quite low tonight. I've been thinking about DD. she's so beautiful and cute and funny and I just feel like he's cast a shadow over a pretty much all of the firsts with her and I have let him.

Oh well. Will stop feeling sorry for myself honestly. Good to write it down

You're allowed to feel sorry and sad about things, Notty. It's ok, and only to be expected.
Thinking of you

I too gulped at your list, brought back sore memories a lot of it.

I recognise how everything is your fault, you're not trying hard enough, the assault of 'niceness' to make you feel like shit.

One bit of advice, when he says you are paranoid, belittles your attempts to finish it, it's all your fault, you need everything your way, he's trying so hard etc etc...just reply 'I agree with everything you say. We clearly bring out the worst in each other which is why we must split. I was born free to make choices and I'm making this one. End of.'

I was like a stuck record but eventually he saw I was serious