Would you want to LTB?

[Nottynosey]

After a final argument about a sodding packet of biscuits, I told H I wanted him to leave on Sunday. I've had enough of his selfishness, moods and the way he treats me. This has been a slow burner for me, its been simmering since I got pregnant with DD (3).

He wants me to give it one more try. Says I must accept responsibility too. He thinks I have done this because of my interpretation of events and my version of the last three years is not based on facts and its about how I feel. He says we have had a stressful few years and his behaviour is not the reason our relationship is failing.

I accept we have had pressure, which any young family in a recession have, but this is not why I want out.

I know I don't have to justify yourself, but I feel like I do, to myself more than anything. So please tell me, would you LTB or give him another chance (he has already had a fair few)...

I will stick to the facts and undeniable events rather then feelings, but here is a mere snapshot

• When I was pregnant, he would roll his eyes whenever I mentioned a symptom or spoke about it, saying I was moaning and he wasn't going to give me attention

• On the night I went into labour, I was contracting on the floor and he had his head under pillow on the bed trying to sleep and told me to be quiet cos neighbours would hear.

• My friends who gave birth around the same time all got given gifts by their partners, he told me he wasn't going to buy me anything because nobody would buy him anything and its not fair because he can't give birth

• Never helped with nights and wouldn't even give me a lie in on my 30th birthday

• If DD was clingy with me, he would say I was doing it deliberately

• He rejected me sexually for 18 months because he preferred porn

• After we did have sex, I tried to talk about if things were different down there after childbirth as I was concerned and he refused to discuss it because it was gross.

• after another time he said the sex had been hard work and complained about something I had done during foreplay. I've not done it since.

• Didn't want to help when we moved house so booked in extra work. The day before the move, DD and I both got a stomach bug and he refused to help pack

• Would get home from work at 2am and wake me by putting TV on, typing with laptop on his knee and playing music in bed next to me and wouldn't stop so I'd have to go to spare room

• The night before we went on holiday, started an almighty row because I hadn't finished packing when he got in from work (I'd been working too)

• Would give me silent treatment whenever I went out (very rare)

• Very moody and often sits on the settee in silence after a bad day at work

• If I ever tried to talk about things would eye roll, call me a nag or just sit in silence. Or tell me I was being unfair by bringing something up, he said he was sorry and that is the end if it

• Ruins every night/day out we have with an illness or constant complaining

• Has lost all his friends and won't entertain the idea of any social life

• Sits and watches telly and calls some of the women fat pigs and other foul names, which I really hate

• When we went away with his family, DD didnt sleep for two nights, screamed a lot of the time. I wanted to go home a day early as we were exhausted but he refused to upset his mother

• When I told him I felt so low I had been given anti depressants by the doctor and was wondering whether to start taking them, he didn't ever mention it again

• Always trying to stop me eat/drink nice things. He can't cope with too much fun or indulgence. So on Sunday when he wouldn't let me open a packet of biscuits I snapped.

There's more, so much more.
Does it sound like the kind of thing you should be able to work through?

Oops pressed send. If he continues to blame you say I don't love you. End of.

How to enforce your lines. You have told him what you find unacceptable he has tried to invalidate those lines so now you remove yourself from the situation by ending the relationship. He's getting into further discussion is pointless, counselling as a couple is pointless because he will use it as an excuse to belittle your stance and opinions.
If you have to tell him anything just say, you choose to behave in x way, I choose to find that unacceptable, you choose to dismiss that so things are at a logical impasse.

Get him to contact you via email or text about financial and visitation arrangements so you always have proof as things may turn nasty. They may not but its as well to be prepared in any case. To avoid any more boundary blurring as he seems so fond of ignoring them visitation should take place away from your house. He picks her up at x time and drops her back at y time. Should that prove impossible either do hand overs in a public neutral place or use a 3rd person as an intermediary (you drop dd off to them and collect her and he does the same you you never meet). Should he still ignore boundaries enforce them by only accepting correspondence via solicitor.

He doesn't see he has done anything wrong so will defend his position to the hilt with whoever will listen, you don't have to find it acceptable and can remove yourself from the relationship.

i agree with Freemanbatch he sounds like an absolute bast and life is far to short, its nice to have a treat now and then, or heck even every night. if you want a biscuit, you should be able to have a bloody biscuit, here you go

Ugh. He sounds like an utterly draining, selfish, miserable companion. No, this isn't something you can work through.

Don't reduce your brain to a mush trying to understand, or reason with him. If the silly pronouncements listed at 17:31 are anything to go by, then sorry, but he is full of BS.

He is using faulty logic and false reasoning to try to manipulate you. Ignore him. You will be better off saving your strength for something worthy of your energies.

Life is going to get so much lighter and easier if you make the break.

How easy will it be to LTB on a practical level?

If it is doable I would do it.

I agree with pregnantpause. The fact that he is basically telling you your feelings don't matter would be enough for me. Let alone the other awful stuff you've listed.

But as others have said you don't have to justify yourself. He is making you justify yourself. If your mind is made up (and I hope it is because he isn't likely to change as he doesn't see that he has any responsibility to change) then perhaps it would be a good time to start disengaging. Have some stock phrases like 'my mind's made up'; 'I have already explained'; 'I no longer want to have this conversation'; 'can we keep discussions to DD' etc etc

He may up the ante/abuse but hopefully that will reassure you that you are making the right decision. You are going to have to start disengaging at some point otherwise he will drive you up the frigging wall.

But you see, HE IS RIGHT.......
In his world of course. And because you have never challenged him before to the point you have now, he is trying to re-establish the control he had over you. You are not allowed to express how you feel because you are calling his behaviour into question, therefore your feelings must be wrong.
No wonder you feel your brain is mush - you must be questioning how you feel and what you say, wondering if he is right after all.
OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT BLOODY WRONG.
Sorry to shout.

What you have described reads to me that your P is a lazy, self obsessed, selfish, inconsiderate, unreasonable, argumentative, moody, uncommunicative, complaining, ignorant, anti-social, misogynistic, hypercondriac control freak. And yes he is choosing to treat you this badly and choosing to be this much of a difficult arse.

I can't imagine what anyone would want to live with him. I'd say he's a pig, but that is really unfair to pigs.

You won't get anywhere arguing with him - he won't change and he won't accept what you are saying.

You don't need to convince him of anything. You just need to make your decision and not be brown beaten by him into changing your mind.

Life for you and your DD will be so much easier and more pleasant without all his crap - believe me. Go for it & best of luck.

Oh yes, indeed I would LTB, my first port of call would be solicitors. Good luck OP

This is most definitely abusive and yes I would ltb. How to draw the lines? Decide what they are and think OK thats crossed. End of. Then what am I going to do now they are crossed- Solicitor and even WA for advice.
Its hard but your mind will unmush quite quickly when you start trusting it. I used tohave to ask 3 or four people which clothes I should wear, what colours I liked and even what food to order. Now I can do all those things by trusting that my opinions are good. You will get there again as well and its great

feelings are subjective

if i feel dh has acted inappropriatley, i will tell him how i feel, he could then reply that it was not his intention to hurt my feelings

however his intention isn't the issue, the issue is how it made me feel, someone who loves me, will remember that and not repeat it

and likewise

I do feel like he is telling me I am not listening and I am refusing to accept responsibility purely because I am not agreeing to try again.

This evening he was trying to persuade me to go and visit his parents. I don't want to. His mum and dad think I have booted him out because we've been arguing for a few months. They don't know the truth and understandably think very little of me at the moment. He says, they don't know my "version of the truth". He kept pushing me to go and see them. When I said stop pushing me and I wouldn't because i didnt want to, he said he wasn't pushing me, but he was annoyed because what I want is wrong!! Says it all really doesn't it?

Practically, money will be a bit of a worry but not insurmountable. He has already said he will not let me have any of the savings as they are his. I have been a STAHM until I got a job recently. I can't move until the new year though so will just have to put up with this for the time being.

I know what I want, Ive said what I want countless times. I've said it's over, he says its not.

I know I should stop engaging but it's relentless

You can use whatever words you like about what constitutes a respectful relationship with your dd

But it is what she is witnessing every day that will have the most profound effect on her own future choices

If you can't leave him for yourself, do it for her, so she doesn't have to watch you being treated like a piece of shit and go on to let it happen to herself

He's annoyed, because what you want is wrong! You're right, it does say it all, Notty.

It sounds exhausting to have to deal with.

"Does it sound like the kind of thing you should be able to work through?"

No.

"I know he's not exactly abusive"

I'd disagree, actually. Just the waking you up at hell o'clock in the morning is abusive.
All the gaslighting and blaming you is abusive.

OP, is your only definition of "abusive" along the lines of getting smacked about every friday night ? Think again.

"He says I have chosen to feel that way about the things he has done"

Well, yes. You can choose to feel whatever you want about the things he has done. As he has chosen to do them.
It is your choice to lose all love and respect for him.
You could have chosen to put up with it.

It's your choice what to feel about it and what you will do about it. As a self respecting person, you have chosen correctly. Assume it's your choice and stick to them.

Fucking hell, OP. I thought LTB at number one on your list and it just got worse from there. It sounds hideous. Agree that you should see a solicitor, you should surely be entitled to a share of the savings. Can you start squirreling an exit fund away?

I know he's not exactly abusive

Oh, but he is. He IS.

And even if these were just "your feelings" (what does that even mean?) they are valid. You're allowed to be happy.

And he's a wanker.

OP seriously I could have written this a year ago. My STBEXH matched almost all of your list, I cried when I read it as I'd shut it away since I got him to finally leave. It is emotional abuse!!! Your DC luckily is young, and you can why you both out of this horrid situation, believe me, it only gets worse, good luck op, we are right behind you :)

Get not why?!

I have read about emotional abuse and thought it nearly fits but not quite. Fine line between arsehole and abusive arsehole I suppose.

He never calls me names or gets physical, rarely even shouts. I'm more likely to lose my temper then he is. That's one thing he loves to do, tells me to stop shouting and calm down when I swear I'm not even shouting!

Infuriating, honestly

I've told him I don't want to talk about things anymore and I just really want space. He apologises but then comes back saying its eating him up and he needs to say one more thing.

I need to refuse to let him in, but actually I am relying on him financially until the new year so feel I can't do that

Yeah I read it back after I wrote it and cried too. It's the stuff when I was pregnant and in labour that gets me going. It's the time when you most need somebody to love you I think.

When we got to the labour ward, he was the most attentive man there. But then DD and I spent the first few nights on the couch as he wanted the bed as he had to work. I don't know why I didn't kick off then, but I didn't

He's always so nice to me infront of our families. A few weeks ago, when his mum was there, he asked me out of the blue if I wanted him to get up with DD tomorrow so I could have a lie in. I nearly choked

That's typical of an abusive man. Possibly narcissist.
He'll play up the good husband and father in front of other people, but he will kick you down when you are at your most vulnerable (pregnant and with a newborn baby).

Yes of course he's nice in front of people.

So when you think "maybe that's just his way" or "maybe he doesn't realise" or "he honestly doesn't see anything wrong with it" remind yourself that, hang on, he can switch it off in front of people so he knows exactly what he's fucking doing!