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Original poster

Those of you who've gone NC or had major issues with in-laws/parents...

64 replies

vinetime · 11/12/2013 13:58

...what do you do when said people send Christmas gifts to your children?

DH on very bad terms with his parents. Relationship always been strained for various reasons, and a recent family row has resulted in a total stand-off. They've behaved horrendously, and the upshot is they cannot be in our lives unless they acknowledge their behaviour and make some serious changes. I doubt very much this will happen. Poor DH has (I think) more hope that eventually their relationship can be restored. But he is also standing firm on the situation, and not intending to 'back down', as he has so many times in the past.

Anyway - this morning's post brings presents from them to our kids. Kids young enough to not really notice who does or doesn't give them gifts at Xmas, but old enough to remember/acknowledge their grandparents if you see what I mean. Kids haven't seen them for several months as a result of this latest row - and before then only about twice a year, as they live in a different country. So it's not like they're close to them.

Part of me thinks that we should just give them the presents - why should the kids lose out? - and be breezy about who they're from. Yet I can't help but feel very uncomfortable about this. DH parents are very manipulative, and I can't help but feel this is a way to try to re-enter our lives without acknowledging their deeply hurtful behaviour.

If we accept the gifts, and then get into thank you cards (my eldest DD knows how strict I usually am about this!), then it's contact, which we ultimately don't want in our lives until a lot of amends are made on their part...

What do other people do?

OP posts:
TheArmadillo · 11/12/2013 14:03

I don't give the kids the presents. I donate them to charity and don't let the kids know about them.

It causes too many problems and questions to give them to the children.

Also it is a way to force contact against your wishes.

They stopped after a few years for us.

Original poster
vinetime · 11/12/2013 14:12

Thanks The Armadillo.

I guess it feels tough as the situation is relatively recent. Well, in-laws awful behaviour isn't recent - but it's taken this long for DH to say 'unless you apologise for what has gone before, and change your attitude for the future, you can't be involved with our family.'

Sending presents seems like a way for them to get involved without doing that. As I say, they are quite manipulative.

However, it also feels like quite an aggressive statement from our side to give away the presents without acknowledgement. We have always tried to behave like the adults, if your see what I mean!

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 11/12/2013 14:14

You don't need to acknowledge the presents, and you certainly don't need to inform them of what you ultimately do with them.

It is their choice to send presents. You don't owe them anything as a result. It is your choice what you do with those presents.

ChestnutsRoastingOnAnOpenFireG · 11/12/2013 14:16

What does your DH think? They're his parents.

I think TheArmadillo's idea is sound.

Original poster
vinetime · 11/12/2013 14:20

I know. I just wish they hadn't sent them in the first place!

It's kind of insane that they can have a 'relationship' with children whose parents they currently aren't on speaking terms with.

OP posts:
Original poster
vinetime · 11/12/2013 14:27

Hmmm, chestnuts... I haven't actually told DH yet!! He's at work.

This is another reason I'm on here asking advice. I think DH's knee-jerk reaction will be - of course the kids should take the gifts, and of course we must say thank you. He's so very used to his parents causing problems that he's a bit 'conditioned' to accept whatever they do. He has been deeply, deeply hurt by their recent behaviour, but I can see how this might go if we accept the gifts...

OP posts:
ChestnutsRoastingOnAnOpenFireG · 11/12/2013 14:29

Then I would put them away in a 'safe place' and forget about them. Do you have a loft? You could remember them in February. Things are a lot less emotional when Christmas is over and done with.

Original poster
vinetime · 11/12/2013 14:34

Well, I'd love to 'forget' about them, but there's no way in a million years DH would believe I forgot!

Given it's clear the packages are from them (foreign post marks) and our relationship with them is so terrible it's not something I'd be absent minded about..

Packages that never arrived, on the other hand...Wink
Or is that utterly terrible?

OP posts:
OhYouMerryLittleKitten · 11/12/2013 14:39

I actually think you should give the presents to the children unless you feel that the children having contact with the grandparents is harmful. You need to seperate your and your dhs relationship with his parents than that between his parents and their grandchildren.

I reckon it's far worse when grandparents ignore the grandchildren too. Why hurt them too?

TeWiSavesTheDay · 11/12/2013 14:42

My parents gave us the presents. The gifts stopped after a while.

As an adult I tried to get back into contact (my parents never bad mouthed them to me although I knew there were issues) quickly realised they weren't people I wanted in my life and went NC for myself.

Original poster
vinetime · 11/12/2013 14:45

Thanks LittleKitten.

I don't believe that DH's parents would ever harm the kids. But they can't really expect to have much of a relationship with the children of people they HAVE harmed, and refuse to speak to?

OP posts:
Original poster
vinetime · 11/12/2013 14:48

Thanks TeWi.

Kids are young though. I can't see it working with year after year of presents.... and yet no relationship with me and DH. That would be confusing for the children, no?

OP posts:
Original poster
vinetime · 11/12/2013 14:52

Grrr. I really don't know what to do.

They've behaved so awfully, they really have (think narcissism to the max, emotional abuse, outright lies etc etc). Much of this is directed at me as well as DH. For me, it's not a problem to me to be NC with them. But I've seen the dynamic play out with DH and his parents for years now, and I'm worried if we accept the gifts, DH will thank them, they will think they can just carry on as before blah blah blah.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/12/2013 15:13

vinetime,

Any presents received should not be acknowledged at all by you but given to the local charity shop.

Presents from toxic people like his parents are used as a way of further manipulating you all; its another way of having power and control over you. These are not actually given without any conditions being attached to them.

If they are too toxic for you to deal with then they are too toxic for your children to have any form of contact with. You as parents need to protect them from such malign influences because they are not above using your children to get back at you both.

Such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. You need to let go of the fantasy that they will make amends properly with you both because they simply will not. No contact is precisely that; no acknowledgement of anything you happen to receive from them.

randomAXEofkindness · 11/12/2013 15:22

I'm nc with my mum, she's a toxic alcoholic, I can't let her around the dc's. She sent a message through the family that she wants to give them something this christmas. I said that was fine. I'll give them whatever it is and explain to them that it's off their nanna. When they're a bit older I'll explain that they don't see her because of her problems etc. I'm sad about the situation, but I'm not resentful of her and I can't see the harm - she'll feel good that she's giving them something, they'll know that she did think of them sometimes. Hopefully I'll be able to get across that her problems aren't theirs.

On the other hand I refuse any gifts off my db and sil. They haven't got any mh/abuse problems whatsoever. There's nothing at all stopping us having a decent relationship with them - I usually think they're great - but sil decided that she was going to cut us out of all their family occasions when she became friends with another family member who doesn't want to see me (whole other story!). Our dc's were allowed to go round there 'on the side', but weren't allowed to go to their cousins birthday's etc, because "it could cause trouble"! If I didn't have kids I probably would have accepted it, but I've got a history of being a doormat (probably why they thought they could get away with it) and I certainly am not going to teach my dc's to accept people treating them that way. So I refuse the gifts on principle on their behalf. I don't want them thinking that they can treat them like crap and then carry on as normal, it's insidiously undermining. I keep thinking they'll come to their senses... I'm glad I didn't hold my breath on that one.

So, I think that it depends. On what? I'm not exactly sure Hmm Grin - lost my train of though a bit while I was ranting... sorry op!

lemmingcurd · 11/12/2013 16:07

OP I am in exact same position with a member of my family, agree with all previous posters who said it's manipulative behaviour. I didn't give the DCs the presents that arrived from this person for their birthdays and won't be giving them the Xmas ones either, unless I get an apology, which I won't be getting. They don't deserve any more headspace IMO

Original poster
vinetime · 11/12/2013 16:52

Thanks guys.

Lemmingcurd, am sorry to hear your in a similar position, and I totally agree with you attila.

Problem is, though, these are DH's parents, rather than mine. If it were me I'd have no problem giving the gifts away - no contact means no contact, after all.

I couldn't agree with you more, random, when you say that you don't want your children to learn that they can treat people like crap and carry on as normal. This is exactly what the in-laws have done to DH for years, and DH is unfortunately finding it very hard. He DOES see how toxic his parents behaviour has been, but I am 99 percent sure that what will happen with these gifts is that DH will feel that the kids should accept the presents, and then they get thanked by us, and DH and in-laws see this baby steps towards their fucked-up 'normality', and in six months they are back in our lives having never apologised, still pulling the same old crap.

I'm not willing for them to continue to bring such negativity into our lives, and down the line will fight it if I feel DH is wavering.

But as far as the presents go - surely all I can do is let DH know how uncomfortable it makes me? It probably has to be his call ultimately, right?

OP posts:
PTFO · 11/12/2013 16:52

Mmmm reading with interest as we are in the same boat OP. Though my dh feels that to protect ourselves from being 'in the wrong' he gives cards and presents to DS but does check them first as they have form for writing notes/cards to ds about missing him (they never see him never interested hence part of fallout) wanting to take him to special places etc- how is that possible when they wont even talk to us?!

My family say we should send them back....ive left it up to dh. But as someone mentioned if they are too toxic for us then surely too toxic for ds....good point that!

Original poster
vinetime · 11/12/2013 16:53

Sorry - 'you're in a similar position' of course...

OP posts:
TeWiSavesTheDay · 11/12/2013 16:54

We were young too. Tbf, my parents weren't completely no contact but like yours they were abroad so contact was extremely minimal. (every other year we might have a meal together while we visited other, nicer relatives) I don't think there was any thank you notes etc for the unwanted gifts. They were just given to us, no comments. They stopped before we hit teens - sending presents abroad to people you don't like is very expensive!

In all honesty I would check what the gift is, as long as it's fairly innocent, I'd pass it on. Give your kids a chance to make their own decisions about who has been reasonable in 20 years time.

PTFO · 11/12/2013 16:54

well if it was your parents wouldent you want the final say on it? I know I would.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 11/12/2013 16:55

I think you're right that it has to be DHs call as well.

OhYouMerryLittleKitten · 11/12/2013 16:56

I do think it is really important to realise that your relationship with your parents is not the same as your children's relationship with their grandparents.

Holdthepage · 11/12/2013 17:00

I would give the presents. The presents are to the DC not to you & your DH. Or return them if you feel strongly enough but don't give them away.

Original poster
vinetime · 11/12/2013 17:02

TeWi - the no contact at all is fairly recent, under an ultimatum given by myself and DH - 'apologise and try to change in the future, or this doesn't work', basically.

I'm worried what message accepting the presents at this point will bring.

OP posts: