Those of you who've gone NC or had major issues with in-laws/parents...

[vinetime]

...what do you do when said people send Christmas gifts to your children?

DH on very bad terms with his parents. Relationship always been strained for various reasons, and a recent family row has resulted in a total stand-off. They've behaved horrendously, and the upshot is they cannot be in our lives unless they acknowledge their behaviour and make some serious changes. I doubt very much this will happen. Poor DH has (I think) more hope that eventually their relationship can be restored. But he is also standing firm on the situation, and not intending to 'back down', as he has so many times in the past.

Anyway - this morning's post brings presents from them to our kids. Kids young enough to not really notice who does or doesn't give them gifts at Xmas, but old enough to remember/acknowledge their grandparents if you see what I mean. Kids haven't seen them for several months as a result of this latest row - and before then only about twice a year, as they live in a different country. So it's not like they're close to them.

Part of me thinks that we should just give them the presents - why should the kids lose out? - and be breezy about who they're from. Yet I can't help but feel very uncomfortable about this. DH parents are very manipulative, and I can't help but feel this is a way to try to re-enter our lives without acknowledging their deeply hurtful behaviour.

If we accept the gifts, and then get into thank you cards (my eldest DD knows how strict I usually am about this!), then it's contact, which we ultimately don't want in our lives until a lot of amends are made on their part...

What do other people do?

vinetime, I've got the narc/toxic family and I just tell DH to "deal" with presents and letters that arrive. I'm still not strong enough even after 3 years. He would never dispose of anything without tellling me about it first. Can you have a chat with your DH and then take control for him? It sound's like he needs you to. It's a hard time of year for us victims/scapegoats and I know that it's when I really rely on DH's strength.

Attilla, thank you so much for the hoovering info. That's a term I've not heard before. I am being "hoovered" in so many directions especially at the moment

Vinetime, How do I deal with it?

well we have been nc for nearly three years. Like your mil mine is also a narc and I too thought fil was brow beaten but he is her enabler that became so very clear. It was shocking the lengths he went to. Again like you unless they can apologise and sort themselves out we wont have anything to do with them. They didn't bother with us once ds was born and I was recently told by a counsellor that this could be because mil is not the centre of attention and she has no interest in ds and she is only interested in herself. (but she is happy to brag to people about what a wonderful gm she is and flaunt pics)

so ds has never known them really, he knows they exist but that's about it.

so after going nc, twice a year we get presents, xmas and ds bday. I expect them, I forewarn dh to expect them, they are no shock very predictable. It irritates that even though we have fallen out with them my ds would never notice because nothing has changed for him. Our ds in non the wiser about the issues and dh wants to do what would be seen to be the correct thing, he does not wished to be blamed for anything so as to maintain the upper hand so as not to give them ammunition.

at the end of the day its my dh call, I can only advise and be there for him. that's how I would want if it were the other way around. but then ive had three years 'off' from them!

Some very good advice here, thanks.

I find it very hard to see DH in this position. He's done well in that, for the first time in his life, he's told his parents in absolute terms what is and is not acceptable.

However, he's also very hurt by the situation. Right now he's standing firm in the 'apologise or else..' But I can foresee presents and then getting in touch to say thanks (which is inevitable I think) as a slippery slope, and in two months he'll be saying 'let's all move on and have them in our lives again'.

His parents are obsessed with playing happy families, however I cannot operate like that.

Ptfo - our situations sound so alike!

Obviously this is all more recent for us, but I expect you went NC for very similar reasons...

At christmas time and birthday time I simply don't accept any parcels at the door from the postman, I don't accept it and sign for it unless I am 100% sure it's not from them. Then I presume they find out somehow it wasn't delivered. I don't even let it in the house.

Monkey nuts - good call! But a bit harder in practice for us...

I find it interesting that someone has mentioned that they don't wish to be accused of standing in the way of a relationship- I understand the comment but then as someone else mentioned if they are too toxic for you why would you put your kids in that situation. However passing on a gift is very different from meeting up/talking. just thinking out loud on that.

THIS year MIL added a xmas card to DH (soley to him at his place of work as Im seen as the bad guy) which was intended to make him feel guilty and soften him up and it worked a treat, I had to remind him of some of what they have said/done and just how unacceptable it was and how they wont see that or apologise. inlaws are more bothered about how it makes them look bad so blame me. Which only makes dh angry because its a loads of BS, but they do love to play the victim. However dh has said how much happier we are without them in our lifes. I think that says a lot don't you?

It says a lot. My DH says the same thing. When his parents aren't involved with us our lives seem so much easier!

Frustrating though, how easily toxic parents can almost hook their kids back in - as your in-laws did over the card. In a way this is what I'm worried about, that DH will see the presents and say 'what lovely gifts, that is kind, maybe they aren't that bad...' Etc etc

And my mil sends letters to my DH at his office too, so that I, evil witch that I am, won't know about it (or so she thinks!)

Why are people so awful?!!

"Frustrating though, how easily toxic parents can almost hook their kids back in - as your in-laws did over the card. In a way this is what I'm worried about, that DH will see the presents and say 'what lovely gifts, that is kind, maybe they aren't that bad...' Etc etc"

That is precisely why I put up the earlier link about hoovering. The only way forward in such situations is to not acknowledge anything in terms of communications from such damaged and toxic people.

Yup, everything they post they send to his office-done to wind me up. The IL's then got dh grandmother to write to dh at his office 'to have a quiet word' it was the most manipulative thing I have ever read, very cleverly written. Of course dh brings them home to show me and we chat about it and it gets filed away. We don't acknowledge the nasty stuff. Don't engage I read somewhere. Thing is dh will be moving office soon....shame we cant move house too!