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Original poster

What do you think?

61 replies

Plumbingtrouble · 10/12/2013 21:41

Think I probably know the answer, but here goes.

I met someone 5 months ago (I am married, but we are separating - not that that makes it ok. I had an affair)) and he made all the running. For the first 6 weeks nothing happened; he just called in for conversation and a beer, but then it became physical. He is 47 and never been married (commitment phobe I hear people shout).

Anyway, we met again last Tuesday and then he wanted to see me Thursday (couldn't), Friday (couldn't) and then we met on Saturday night. He constantly bigs me up. Tells me I am gorgeous, and even asks if I can take time out between Christmas and New Year to go away. He texted Sunday to see if I could meet again (couldn't).

Sunday I had a fair few texts, but yesterday and today, texts are less and just feel cold, if that makes sense. I spoke to him on the phone for half an hour and he still seems keen but a bit evasive. He is worried about making the wrong choice at his stage of life, but yet says I am perfect for him???!!

I just don't get it. It is making me feeling very insecure. And I really don't need it, but when I am with him we have such an amazing time. I am thinking I should just stop this with him(whatever it is we have) but that makes me feel so sad.

This is ridiculous really; I feel like a stupid teenager.

I think I am about to be flamed.

OP posts:
MistAllChuckingFrighty · 10/12/2013 21:45

Did you end your marriage to be with this man ?

LivingWellNow · 10/12/2013 21:45

Ah, the old 'You're perfect but…..' malarky.

All designed to make you try and do the pick me dance. Do you dance to that tune Plumbing?

Original poster
Plumbingtrouble · 10/12/2013 22:04

I have not left dh to be with this man, no. Me and dh's marriage has been rough for years and sexless for the last 4. BUT, this om has been the catalyst.

LWN, I don't know about the pick me dance. What's that? Seriously not being sarcastic.

It is ridiculous really, because I don't even feel I am free enough to embark on another full blown relationship, but yet feel like I have fallen for him :( Feel so fecking stupid.

OP posts:
LivingWellNow · 10/12/2013 22:24

He's mad keen, pays you compliments and then knocks you down. If you come back for more, you're dancing to his tune.

You're vulnerable. 5 months is no time to be getting into another relationship. Easy prey for someone with their own agenda.

mammadiggingdeep · 10/12/2013 22:39

If the relationship is causing you anxiety 5 months in and he doesn't want to make the wrong 'choice' (how awful for him to refer to a relationship with you like this) then I think you should be single. He's not good enough for you. Don't settle for this just because you had a rough 4 years with your ex.

Original poster
Plumbingtrouble · 11/12/2013 07:51

Thanks all. I texted last night and just asked what was happening, as he is confusing the hell out of me.

Not heard back but that was at 1.00 a.m when I was wide awake thinking about it all. :(

Feel knackered and emotional.

OP posts:
LivingWellNow · 11/12/2013 08:16

Time to step away from him then, OP.

FuckyNell · 11/12/2013 08:18

Run for the hills

something2say · 11/12/2013 08:20

Take a rest and have a cry. He may not walk with you into your new life, you may walk alone into it. So think about what you are doing and why, and where you are going, man or no man.

You'll be alright, this is just a blip x

Leavenheath · 11/12/2013 09:56

Maybe he was in it for the chase and now that you're leaving your husband he's got cold feet?

Or just as likely he met someone else to chase on one of those nights you couldn't make and by Sunday night, that started to look like it might come to fruition?

Either way, he sounds like a pain in the arse. I hope you were being truly objective when you jettisoned your marriage as you wouldn't be the first person to idealise a new piece of grass and claim the old turf was dead when with a bit of work it still had life in it.

Alternatively, if this was an exit affair that got you out of a bad marriage, it's a shame it took that to do it but as long as you don't think this bloke's the real deal, you'll live and learn. Because he patently isn't.

normalishdude · 11/12/2013 10:09

maybe he is wary (perhaps understandably) about being in a relationship with someone who has recently/not quite finished their last/current relationship and had an affair. In any case, texting is a crap method of communication and leads to all sorts of anxieties. I say use it sparingly when getting to know someone.

gaygirlwales · 11/12/2013 10:18

The first thought I had was he's going cold because you blew him off 3 times. Could be wrong

Leavenheath · 11/12/2013 10:19

If you're right normalishdude and he's had a sudden attack of conscience about having an affair with a married woman and that 'conscience' only kicked in after he'd had sex with her, then yes he might be the sort of bloke who has those weird double-standards about women that are okay to mess around with, but not have a relationship with.

Belated judginess always bemuses me in OM and OW.

So if that is the case, you are well-rid OP.

Blossomflowers · 11/12/2013 10:20

You say he has never been married but that does not mean he has not had long term relationship.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/12/2013 10:23

Ah... you've met Mr Booty Call!!! He loves women. But they are a service industry, not actual people. When he needs a roll in the hay, he'll shower you with text compliments and attention. .. otherwise, back to his bachelor cave. If you're after love avoid Mr Booty Call. If you just want to scratch a sexual itch occasionally, keep his number.

Good luck Grin

normalishdude · 11/12/2013 10:28

getting blown off and being wary for all sorts of reasons (rightly or wrongly) means he is after sex only. I see!

Original poster
Plumbingtrouble · 12/12/2013 12:48

Well, it seems it is all over. I feel absolutely emotionally drained and fecking stupid.

He is holding back, because he just doesn't know what he wants, and is thinking about moving away. He thinks it is not fair to keep seeing each other if he then decides to move away. I hope what he is saying is not a load of sh*t. I don't think it is. He says he is falling for me, and just needs space to get his head together and not go in the wrong direction.

Such a hard phone conversation last night.

At least I know where I stand. We are still communicating via text though, which may or may not be a good thing....

I feel broken.

Thanks everyone for your comments.

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 12/12/2013 14:56

I'm so sorry you feel broken. That's probably reflecting a whole range of emotions tied up with the general uncertainties in your life right now and not just because of this bloke.

I think you'll look back in a few months time though and recognise what he's saying for the bullshit it is. It sounds like the sort of thing anyone would say who doesn't want to a) hurt a person with the truth and b) have the other person think badly of them by revealing that truth.

I'm not saying he's necessarily a bad person for ending things this way, because I'm sure many of us (me included) have in the past tried to let people down gently and protect our own image in that person's eyes. But ultimately it's unfair and dishonest behaviour, especially if it allows hope to linger and permit beliefs that feelings exist when they really don't. In a way too, that sort of dishonest behaviour goes hand in hand with the sort of bloke who thinks it's okay to have an affair with a married woman. A decent bloke would have backed off and waited until your situation was resolved, but you say he did 'all the running' and was keen to have an affair. Think about what that says about him and try to see the link between that and what's happened now.

I'd quit the texting and go for a clean break. Put your energies into resolving the situation at home and maybe think of having some counselling on your own to sort out the complex range of emotions you're experiencing. Probably best to avoid dating until your head and heart are sorted.

bestsonever · 12/12/2013 16:01

One day you may be able to see the positive side of having met him, which is that you have been spurred on to do something about a stale loveless marriage. He has likely been the kick up the bum you needed and a reminder of what could be and what you are missing by staying in the doldrums for 4 years.
You will in future be glad that you met him for he has served a positive purpose. Onwards and upwards from here.
Don't believe for a minute that he is falling for you, that is probably a big BS line as he would be happy to continue and see how things pan out if that were the case rather than causing all this angst.

KatieScarlett2833 · 12/12/2013 16:06

I think he's met someone else and is keeping you on the back burner in case new woman realised what a toad he is and dumps him.
Don't be the fallback girl, it's not a good look.

Original poster
Plumbingtrouble · 13/12/2013 21:00

The plot thickens. It seems he has been involved with someone some time back who was separating from her husband and it all got messy. I think he has had his fingers burnt and is nervous.

Its just awful. I keep bloody crying.

He is still saying he loves me and that he feels sad but needs to get his head together. I am hoping we can chat again on the phone as he has said the story is too complicated to text.

God I need to pull myself together.

OP posts:
JoanRanger · 13/12/2013 21:53

Run, run! run free! Run far, far away from this one!

lookingfoxy · 13/12/2013 22:05

Op I feel for you, I too had an affair at the end of a shitty relationship. It gave me the courage to end my relationship which I believe I would still been in or have topped myself by now.
I fell hard and fast and it hurt, but it was the best thing I could have done, it made me see I deserved better and gave me the confidence and self esteem to end something very damaging.

Leavenheath · 13/12/2013 22:12

Oh really! He loves you after 5 months? How old is he - 47 or 14 FFS?

Look, if this bloke wanted to be with you, he would.

It's as simple as that.

He doesn't, but he thinks that telling you that you're his second affair with a married woman and he doesn't want the messiness of that again will make you think what a nice bloke he is.

I mean, come on! This is a bloke who makes a habit of preying on unhappy women and then when it looks like it could get 'messy' (AKA the woman bins her husband and wants some commitment) he bolts.

Don't be so desperate as to fall for these lies. His story is not 'complicated' at all.

He's just not that into you.

Original poster
Plumbingtrouble · 14/12/2013 12:55

Thanks all. I know you are all right. Foxy, yes, I have fallen hard and fast. I was flattered by the attention and the compliments and the way he made me feel. But I have to say, that if I look back, I have made a lot of the running- after he initially did.

The thing is, I still feel he is being genuine. Yes, I know shoot me now!!!

Anyway, I am in fact going to try and meet up with him and get him to explain himself, as I am now feeling quite angry and feel I deserve a proper explanation - warts and all. Talking on the phone is as bad as texting for this sort of thing; I want to see his squirm!

OP posts: