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Original poster

What do you think?

61 replies

Plumbingtrouble · 10/12/2013 21:41

Think I probably know the answer, but here goes.

I met someone 5 months ago (I am married, but we are separating - not that that makes it ok. I had an affair)) and he made all the running. For the first 6 weeks nothing happened; he just called in for conversation and a beer, but then it became physical. He is 47 and never been married (commitment phobe I hear people shout).

Anyway, we met again last Tuesday and then he wanted to see me Thursday (couldn't), Friday (couldn't) and then we met on Saturday night. He constantly bigs me up. Tells me I am gorgeous, and even asks if I can take time out between Christmas and New Year to go away. He texted Sunday to see if I could meet again (couldn't).

Sunday I had a fair few texts, but yesterday and today, texts are less and just feel cold, if that makes sense. I spoke to him on the phone for half an hour and he still seems keen but a bit evasive. He is worried about making the wrong choice at his stage of life, but yet says I am perfect for him???!!

I just don't get it. It is making me feeling very insecure. And I really don't need it, but when I am with him we have such an amazing time. I am thinking I should just stop this with him(whatever it is we have) but that makes me feel so sad.

This is ridiculous really; I feel like a stupid teenager.

I think I am about to be flamed.

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 14/12/2013 13:08

Well I'm sure getting your head in a spin about this man, who has complimented a long-term unhappy wife, has been much more interesting and exciting than thinking about how you are not happy in your marriage and need to either fix that or end it but it's not really led you to a good place.

If you are unhappy in your marriage and no longer want to be with your DH then you need to do all the things entailed in ending that marriage.

It doesn't matter what reasons this man gives you for ending it. He has ended it. We could theorise til the cows come home about why he behaved how he behaved but what good will that do? Maybe what you can take from your relationship with this man is that you can still be attractive and find another partner once you are in a better place to start another relationship.

Original poster
Plumbingtrouble · 14/12/2013 19:47

Thanks BB. DH and I have separated; we are still in the same house but separate bedrooms and he is looking for a new place.

I just need to know as I want closure on this. I am usually a good judge of character and I am just baffled.

I want to know why he approached me in the first place and what he had hoped for. I find it so odd that this time last week, we were out together having a wonderful evening and talking about going away together, and a few days later, it is all over. He has said it is very complicated and I want to understand what is v complicated exactly. Whatever has happened, I still have feelings for him which I cannot switch off overnight :(

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 14/12/2013 19:57

No, switching off feelings over night is something I've never been any good at either...

Preciousbane · 14/12/2013 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCrumpetQueen · 14/12/2013 20:03

He sounds like a head fuck. Sorry you're upset but it will pass. I would cut communication as it will help move on

Original poster
Plumbingtrouble · 14/12/2013 20:28

I know you are all right. I am just a stubborn cow!! I am also a bit of a control freak and need to get to the bottom of situations.

I am vulnerable Precious, you are right. I really don't need it. Without sounding full of myself, I am in pretty good nick for 43 and have some amazing friends and I need to focus on that.

I also need to ensure my precious daughters are well loved and that I am upbeat for their sakes.

Re cutting comms, I probably should.

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 15/12/2013 00:07

I can honestly understand why you want to see him face-to-face, but I doubt very much you'll get the honest truth. Two things are likely to happen I'd imagine; sex either 'for the road' or worse presented as 'hope for the future' and yet more hand-wringing over a longer period of time about how he's 'just not in the right place to give any commitment right now' and possibly some belated pretend guilt about the affair contributing to your marriage break-up.

Anything to present himself as a nice but tortured soul who doesn't want to mess you around.

My bet is still on him having at least one other iron in the fire which turned amber sometime in between your wonderful evening and his volte-face dumping speech, but he won't tell you that- ever. It could be someone new or it could be his previous married woman whose life is less 'messy' now.

Listen to what he has to say if you must, but please don't have sex with him or try to persuade him to change his mind. Keep your dignity and do accept that whatever he says, it's vanishingly unlikely to be the whole truth.

Regardless of why he's ended it, he has the right to do so and you have the responsibility to accept his wishes.

Original poster
Plumbingtrouble · 15/12/2013 09:47

Thanks Leavenheath. Very wise words and so so true.

Will keep you posted.

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 15/12/2013 10:31

Men who are in the process of falling for a woman don't dump her. He's lying about that to spare your feelings I'm afraid.
He's a headfuck, you are still enmeshed in the dynamics of your marriage. Stop this messiness, get your husband out, work on your self then after a while you will be ready to date. Not now.

Original poster
Plumbingtrouble · 15/12/2013 11:50

You're probably right. I do know that he has talked about moving to the South West for some time which is one of the reasons he has said he doesn't want to see me; "getting too close and then buggering off would be very sad"!!

I am not thinking rationally at all am I??

I am feeling pretty angry now as he has really fucked me about. He approached me FFS and has led me a merry dance. I want to know what his expectations were when he met me, and how things can change in the blink of an eye like that.

OP posts:
meditrina · 15/12/2013 12:06

You want to be a partner in a relationship, not a therapist.

It's hard, but what I think you need to do is send him away , telling him he knows where you are once he has dealt with his baggage and is available for a normal relationship. Then go NC.

If he's genuine, he'll see this as a wake up call, which might lead him to reassess his life and priorities. But if he's just messing around, it's dealt with.

Get on to your friends. Do stuff with them that pleases you. Be open to a completely new man idc. And don't sell yourself short by waiting for someone who is telling you he's not available in the normal sense.

Original poster
Plumbingtrouble · 15/12/2013 12:33

Thank you all.

He has texted some boring shit about his car playing up!!

You are right. I need to move on from this as hard as that is. I need to take off my rose tinted specs and see it for what it really is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Plumbingtrouble · 15/12/2013 14:34

Well, I have put on my feisty hat and asked that we meet up to talk as I want closure.

He has agreed but says he will not change his mind, and that he doesn't want me to be sad as it will bring him down and make him unhappy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck me, he is a selfish twat!

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 15/12/2013 15:11

Oh yes! Fuck him off immediately

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/12/2013 15:50

Oh Plumbing. :(

You're not going to get anymore closure than you've already had. It's loud and clear. You just want to know the why's and wherefore's - and you still won't - he's going to lie to you.

He doesn't want to see you, do you understand that? You've painted him into a corner and he's made an excuse about his car. A man that wanted to see you would catch a bus, get a taxi, walk, fly, whatever... just to get to you. What's his motivation? To see a woman he doesn't want to see to have to explain himself and making him think up some pacifying stories.

You're saying the right words but you don't really believe them, do you?

Make no mistake, your daughters will pick up on your behavour and your mood. Would you want them to think that it's ok for them to be treated this way? You seem obsessed by this man and they've had enough upheaval regarding your separation. If you won't put YOU first for their sake, put THEM first for their sake and stop making fruitless demands of this man.

Leavenheath · 15/12/2013 23:00

That's not a feisty hat. It's a Desperado hat.

Don't do this to yourself, woman!

Exit stage left and accept it's over.

In 2 months time you'll probably be able to see what we've all been saying. Don't let that moment be any more cringeworthy than it's already going to be.

Lazyjaney · 15/12/2013 23:31

I suspect he was up for a casual affair, but now OP is leaving her DH and was no doubt envisioning a future with him in the leading role, he's got cold feet.

Phalenopsis · 15/12/2013 23:40

OP, I did the same thing as you're doing now when I was younger. I couldn't let it go when I really needed to. He doesn't want you. He will lie to you and hope you fuck off. If after the meeting you still persist in asking for answers, he is going to hate you. Leave it alone now. Delete his number, block it, do whatever you need to do to keep him out of your life and move on. You'll wonder is a few months time what all the fuss was about. Honestly.

Lavenderhoney · 16/12/2013 04:50

Don't go op, why waste your time listening to some bloke telling you you aren't good enough for him when you could be out with a friend and maybe meeting someone who is genuinely a nice man?

He's not the only fish in the sea, throw him back in.

Original poster
Plumbingtrouble · 16/12/2013 07:50

I did go and meet him and we had a really good chat. I know most on here think otherwise, but I honestly feel he is being genuine.

I don't feel sad any more either. What will be will be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Plumbingtrouble · 16/12/2013 10:03

I lied, I feel very sad!! It has opened up the wounds again.

It is just such a ridiculous situation. Right person, wrong time.

I cannot stop crying again :( I am a fucking idiot.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 16/12/2013 10:19

No, it's the other way round. You are someone who's coming out of a long-term relationship, it might have been a rubbish one but it still leaves a big gaping man-shaped hole in your life which you may not even have been aware you were desperate to fill, and he came along at the right time to fit in that gap. He is not the right person.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/12/2013 11:05

Plumbing You're NOT an idiot and he's not the right person for you but you will find somebody to make a relationship with.

For now, {{{hugs}}} I'm so sorry. :(

Original poster
Plumbingtrouble · 16/12/2013 12:37

Thank you so much for your support. It is greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Lavenderhoney · 16/12/2013 17:10

You're not an idiot! Just looking for a nice relationship and got mixed up with a man who doesn't.

I got over one chap who I thought was lovely, and he fed me the same lines- I told myself " ah,well, you're very nice, but its not his fault he doesn't want you, at least you know, and I too have dropped men who thought I was lovely and I didn't feel the same way"

Its a but Pollyanna, but it does help. Get busy, op, make some plans.

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